

Self-esteem is one of those words that we hear a ton, right? Tell me something. Whenever you do, what immediately comes to your own mind? While there are literally thousands of self-help books, blogs and articles on the topic, I think the easiest breakdown would be that self-esteem is about how you determine your own worth. The reason why this matters so much is because knowing what your worth is determines the choices that you'll make—and that can ultimately determine your destiny.
While, for a lot of my 40s, my self-esteem has been in a pretty good place, my 20s and 30s were a roller coaster ride because I didn't value myself as much as I should have. Some of it was due to generational curses. Some was due to having some really toxic people in my life. Some was due to simply not knowing how. However, now that I get just how special I am and how there are certain things that only I can contribute to this world, everything about how I choose to live my life is very different. A lot of it has to do with the following 10 tips that I'm about to share.
If this is the year that you are determined to boost your self-esteem, raise your own worth and then add tax, these steps can help to make that desire a true reality. Trust me. I am living proof.
1. Affirm Yourself on the Daily
I'm someone who firmly believes that if you want to understand a "tree", you need to spend some time evaluating its "roots". That's why I wrote articles for the site like "What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?" and "How To Recover If You Had To 'Raise Your Parents' As A Child". Unfortunately, a lot of us did not get the affirming that we so desperately needed from our parents/loved ones/teachers/mentors while growing up or we received mixed messages from them (I can't tell you how many times I was told not to wear certain lip shades as a teen because my full lips would make it be "too much"; talk about a backhanded compliment, chile). And so, since the people we looked up to totally sucked at making some of us feel good about ourselves—at every stage of our childhood and adolescence—many of us grew up thinking negatively about ourselves as well. And that does nothing good for one's self-esteem.
You can't do anything about the past. What you can do is be intentional about lifting yourself up in the here and now. One way to do that is to write down 10-15 things that you genuinely like about yourself and post them somewhere that you can see them. Then make sure to state those things out loud, each and every day (add onto the list as more things come to mind too). Sound crazy? It's not. What's crazy is spending your life looking down on yourself when there is only one you, when you are a true gift to this planet and when tomorrow is not promised. Feel me?
2. Put Your Needs BEFORE Your Wants
While on the surface, this might seem like a crazy point, if you spend enough time in toxic patterns to the point where you want to break them, this will actually start to make perfect sense. Wisdom and maturity tend to teach us that everything we want isn't good for us. Example? There are quite a few men on my sex list who were fine and pretty good in bed who about destroyed my sense of self-worth and almost took my uterus out (long story).
I had to learn the hard way that a sign that you truly love and value yourself is you aren't so impulsive that you will go after something that you want without pondering if your mind, body, and spirit can all agree that you need that person, place thing or idea in your life. Because the reality is, a lot of what we want is designed to appease us while the very things that we need can truly fulfill us. Placing needs before wants are how the big girls live. You're grown, right? Choose wisely.
3. Stop Putting So Much on Your Plate
I don't know what makes so many of us believe that if we overextend ourselves, it's a good thing. Well actually, I do have one theory. I think some of us feel that if we put a ton on our plate, it will somehow prove our worth when really, all it does is wear us TF out, cause us to do things halfway, and oftentimes, it makes us resentful of those who don't appreciate the fact that we put ourselves in this position in the first place.
More times than not, when we have too much going on, that is totally on us because, there is such a thing as the word "no" (check out "The Art Of Saying 'No' To Things You Don't Want To Do"). There's not a ton of time and space to get into why so many of us struggle with this two-letter word that is a boundary and a lifesaver; however, one of my theories is when we were toddlers, a lot of us said that word incessantly. Because we ran it into the ground, our parents reprimanded us and so it went into our psyche that saying "no" is a bad thing when it really is nothing more than a limit.
If you want to do things right and well while maintaining your own peace of mind, you need to get into the habit of doing less so that you can do everything in excellence. Besides, here are no million-dollar checks being passed out to those who damn near kill themselves trying to accomplish as much as possible on any given day. For the sake of your health and well-being, pace yourself. It's a true act of self-care.
4. Forgive Yourself
You know what I find to be interesting. The folks who are typically the most critical of others also never give their own selves a break. Also, the ones who don't believe in forgiving other people are oftentimes the ones who never forgive themselves either. Lawd, if there are two things that many of us were taught an extremely poor definition of, it's what it means to love and to forgive. And because we don't really understand either, we choose to weaponize them both.
As far as forgiveness goes, I promise you that it's not about cosigning on the abuse, hurt or pain that someone has caused you. If I were to simplify forgiveness, it's about giving a wound the time and space that it needs to heal, so that you don't keep "picking at it" and infecting it all of the time. Because the reality is, a lot of people who believe that it's OK to dwell in a space of unforgivingness are actually the ones who either keep reliving what was done to them or they end up taking it out on other people—people who have absolutely nothing to do with what happened to them.
A wise person once said, "Remember, when you forgive you heal and when you let go, you grow." If you want to heal, forgive anyone who did something that hurt you. Including yourself. Watch how far this gets you in your self-development and in the relationships you have with others, moving forward.
5. Leave Toxicity TOTALLY Alone
There are some words that are tossed around so much that I don't think we really get how serious they are at this point. One of them is "toxic". For the record, people are human and humans make mistakes. So just because someone disappoints you or doesn't always live up to your expectations, that doesn't automatically or necessarily make them a toxic human being. Toxic is harmful. Toxic is damaging. Toxic is poison.
If you look up the definition of poison, one of the things that it states is it's something that will ultimately impair your overall health and well-being. When you're on a quest to love yourself in a truly productive way, you can't keep yourself around people, places, things and ideas that will hinder you from being mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, professionally, relationally or spiritually not so good. I don't care if it's a family member, a friend, a church, a job, a city, a relationship—life is too short and you are too precious to keep choosing what is keeping you from thriving. Let. It. Go.
6. Take More Risks
While it might seem odd to recommend that you take risks in order to build your self-esteem, here's why I think that it's such a good idea. Risks build confidence because, at the end of the day, what you are saying is that you trust yourself enough to do something that you've never done before or to try something that might seem a little out of the box.
In fact, I'd venture to say that many people who struggle with their self-worth do so because they doubt their capabilities more than they should. They don't think they're good enough to apply for a certain job. They don't think they're attractive enough to ask a certain someone out on a date. They don't think they are daring enough to take a trip to a place that they've never been before. Oh, but when they do it and realize (more times than not) that they made a bigger deal in their head than they ever should have, it helps them to walk away with a, "I really am bomb, ain't I?" mentality.
When you take a risk, only two things can happen—you can succeed or not. Either way, it's good for your self-esteem because the ultimate takeaway is you bet on yourself. That makes you courageous and the bolder you get, the stronger your self-esteem will become in the long run.
7. Partake in More Indulgence
This past January 9, I celebrated 14 years of abstinence. When my crew asked me what I did to celebrate, my answer was simple—I pampered myself. The day before my anniversary, I got a mani/pedi. The day of, I found a place to get my eyebrows arched (because for some reason, a threader does them too thin; I don't like that). I also copped some beautiful long-as-hell feather earrings. I ordered some oxtails (I dig me some oxtails). Then I chilled. It was wonderful.
I'm a giver. I'm really glad that God made me that way too. However, there used to be a time when I was giving to any and everyone but myself. No longer is that the case, though. I finally get that I deserve to indulge myself in things that make me feel beautiful and celebrated, just as much as anyone else does. And you know what? So. Do. You. If you want others to cherish and adore you, you've got to set the example. One way to do that is to pamper yourself. What's your plan for that this year?
8. Value Your Time
There's a quote by an author named H. Jackson Brown, Jr. that, minus the fact that there are no Black people in it (side-eye), I really like. It says, "Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein." If you substitute this with names like Oprah and Beyoncé, it really is crazy that we all have 24 hours and yet, some of us are either stagnant or in some sort of perpetual life cul-du-sac because we live ho-hum lives or we choose to do things that are a colossal waste of our time (check out "These Bad Habits Are Totally Wasting Your Time").
I don't care if it's a relationship, a job, a habit or anything else—take some time out to reflect on the fact that these past 10 years alone went by pretty fast and time only seems to be moving more swiftly the older that we become. With all of that said, a huge sign of not esteeming your worth is to let any person, place, thing or idea waste your time. I've shared what waste means before. It means "to consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return". Did you peep that "without adequate return" part? If you're out here spending hours on social media or watching television, that can be a waste of time, sho 'nuf. At the same time, if you're constantly putting in more than you're getting back whether it's a person, place, thing or even an idea, that is also wasting your time. You're better than that. Stop it. Not later. Now please.
9. LOVE YOUR BODY AS IT IS
I seriously doubt that if we didn't see as much of other people's bodies as we do, that we'd struggle with our own body image so much. Comparing ourselves to others is so ridiculously counterproductive. Besides, I've shared before that one of the most romantic things that I've ever heard a husband say about his wife is what he physically loved about her is "when God made her, he had me in mind". I know the couple personally and the wife is no traditional Coca-Cola bottle. It doesn't matter to him. She's got what he likes. How beautiful is that?
All of us have our own personal opinions about things like cosmetic surgery. No time to get into all of that. What is important is making sure that you don't hate your body simply because it's not like so-and-so. Who cares?
You've got the same Creator that everyone else has and just think about how you would feel if something you made told you that you totally jacked it all up just because it doesn't look like something else that you designed? A healthy body image is not only healthy to have but super sexy too. Make it a point to celebrate your individuality. Watch how much higher your self-esteem gets once you do.
10. Rest
When it comes to the topic of resting, one of my favorite quotes is, "If you get tired, learn to rest, not quit." (A street artist by the name of Banksy is credited with saying it.) It might be a bit of an "ouch" to hear, but a part of the reason why a lot of us don't accomplish all that we desire to isn't that we're not capable; it's because we overlook bare essentials like eating right and resting well. Listen, getting 6-8 hours of sleep at night is not a luxury; if you want to fully function on all cylinders, it is an absolute necessity.
While we're here, it should also go on record that rest isn't just about catching some zzz's. Rest also includes knowing what you need to do in order to refresh yourself. Something that can help you to figure out what type of rest your mind, body, and/or soul requires is to check out the article, "You're Tired AF. But What Kind Of Rest Do You Need?". By honoring that you need to love yourself enough to sleep soundly and rest internally, you are well on your way to proving that you're worth a million bucks and that nothing or no one should treat you as any less than that. The cool thing is you'll be alert enough to pinpoint the jokers who try and make you feel otherwise. Get some rest, sis. Your self-esteem depends on it—it really is a wonderful act of self-love.
These are just 10 things but they are 10 powerful ones. I'm telling you, once you know how precious you are, it's damn near impossible for anyone or anything to shake you. The year has just begun. Go into it with high self-esteem. The world will be your oyster if you do!
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Your April 2025 Horoscopes Are All About Softening Into Love & Speaking Your Truth
April is a month to slow down and to fully grasp what has been. The month starts in fiery Aries Season, but we are also in the thick of Retrograde Season as we begin the month as well. Thankfully, Mercury finally goes direct on April 7, after being retrograde mid-March, and communication matters are clearing up. This is a month of mental clarity, a fresh start, and not being afraid to dream a little bigger.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, and this Full Moon brings relationship and financial matters full circle. This is the time to let go of what doesn’t make you feel balanced or in harmony and to create space for more peace to enter your life. Venus goes direct in Pisces on the same day, after being retrograde since March 1, and love is healing. With Venus now direct, there are more opportunities for commitment and longevity in love, and there is overall a greater feeling of romance, receptivity, and compassion in the air now.
Mercury enters Aries from April 16 until May 10, and what you were trying to see through or understand better while Mercury was retrograde here last month, you are experiencing a breakthrough now. Mercury in Aries is insightful and courageous, and people are more likely to speak their minds and initiate conversation with this energy. Mars then enters Leo from April 18 until June 17, reminding us that sometimes it’s okay to be a little more selfish and to focus on what you need right now. Mars in Leo brings forth confidence, creativity, and passion, and brings an exciting energy to charge of your life and advocate for yourself.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, bringing some earth sign energy into the mix, grounding and nurturing what you are creating in your life right now. On April 27, we have a New Moon in Taurus, and this is an abundant and fruitful New Moon. This is one of the best New Moons of the year for you to set your intentions for your financial world and a time for seeing new opportunities for abundance. On the last day of the month, Venus moves into Aries until June 6th, and love requires a little more passion, independence, and excitement during this time.
Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
ARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CANCER
This month is all about balancing your time and energy wisely, Cancer. You are being reminded not to overwork or overwhelm yourself in April, and to focus on doing the things that are within your control right now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of the month so you are feeling really passionate about the things you are developing in your life right now, but it’s all about finding the right balance between your personal goals and your needs in your relationships as well.
The Full Moon in Libra on April 12 will be a time to devote your energy to self-care, close loved ones, and overall getting some time to decompress. You are ready to let go of the things that don’t make you feel safe or nurtured and are receiving an emotional renewal right now. The New Moon in Taurus at the end of the month is a time to focus on your intentions on your community, friendships, and aspirations in life, and to pay attention to where you can create more abundance here.
LEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
On April 18, Mars enters your sign until June 17, and this is huge for you. You began the year with Mars retrograde in your sign, so you are getting the opportunity now, to rewrite some of the things that weren’t working for you at the beginning of the year. You are overcoming previous obstacles, and experiencing a breakthrough in your life this month. Before April ends, there is a New Moon in Taurus, highlighting your career, reputation, and professional life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for what goals you want to come to fruition for you now.
VIRGO
This month is all about building new foundations in your life, Virgo. You are feeling more supported and in tune with your own inner needs and interests, and it’s bringing you closer to people and systems that resonate. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct this month on April 7 after being retrograde for the past few weeks; bringing more clarity, understanding, and compassion to your partnerships in life. You are focused on love this month and are working together with others to make your dreams come true.
Mid-month, Mars moves into your 12th house of closure and endings, and there is a journey of healing that you experience until June 17. You are motivated to understand yourself better and are looking at the past more right now in order to do so. This is a month of recovering and healing from what has been, for new foundations to be built upon. The New Moon on April 27 is a beautiful way to end the month, as you are getting glimpses of a new, abundant, adventure that is ahead of you.
LIBRA
This is a big month of closure for you, Libra. The Sun is in your 7th house of love for most of April, and your heart is in the right place. With Venus, your ruling planet, going direct on April 12 after being retrograde since March 1, you are finally able to take a breath. You are not experiencing as many obstacles when it comes to communication matters and you are feeling like you have the tools you need to move forward right now.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
SCORPIO
April is a month of success, progress, and dreams coming to fruition, Scorpio. You are focused on your health, your priorities, and creating space for the new beginnings that you are creating in your life right now. The Full Moon mid-month is a big closure moment for you, and you are owning the fact that you have healed and you are no longer the same person you were in the past. This is a month of stepping into your power and feeling supported in doing so.
Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SAGITTARIUS
April is a new beginning for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on putting the action and effort behind your goals, and you are being proactive within the opportunities that you are looking for right now. With a Full Moon in your 11th house of aspirations mid-month, you are letting go of the way you thought things would play out for you and are owning a more abundant version of things.
On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus, which will be highlighting your health and what your body needs more of right now. This is a New Moon to set your intentions for your everyday life and to create a new, beneficial routine that will make things easier for you at the end of the day. Before the month ends, Venus enters your 9th house of adventure, and you are leaving the month with your sights set high. Travel plans are likely, and this is a good time to create some new plans for yourself.
CAPRICORN
April is about putting one step in front of the other with patience and dedication and trusting the decisions you are making for yourself right now, Capricorn. The Sun is in your 4th house for most of the month, and you are yearning for your safe spaces, comfort foods, and loyal people. Giving yourself more time to decompress, take care of yourself, and ground your energy is essential this month.
Mars enters your 8th house of transformation mid-month and will be fueling your need for some change, excitement, and emotional rejuvenation over the next month and a half. You are entering an impactful moment of the year for you, and you are motivated toward change right now. The New Moon at the end of the month is in a fellow earth sign, highlighting the romantic new beginnings you are entering now. Overall, this month is a process, and you are opening new doors while finding gratitude in what is here for you now.
AQUARIUS
April is about giving yourself time to process, accept, and gain a new perspective, Aquarius. You are being guided towards friendship, connection, and community, and are understanding what may be creating the discord in your life that has been distancing you from that. The Full Moon this month is happening in Libra on April 12, and you are ready to let go of feeling like you have to do it all at once or all alone. This month is a reminder to take your time with all the experiences you want to have, trusting that they will come to fruition for you.
Mars enters your house of love and partnership on April 18, and you enter a passionate and steamy time. Romance is in the air for you as you move through the month, and you are spending more of your time with those who you want to move forward with. Venus also moves into a relationship area of your chart before April ends, and you are surrounded by love and community. Overall, this month is showing you that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the heavy stuff alone either.
PISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
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Hmph. I know there has got to be at least three times a week when our grandparents will hear about something that folks present as being revolutionary that causes them to just roll their eyes, shrug their shoulders, and continue to go on with whatever they were doing. Listen, call it old-fashioned thinking if you want to but if you want to avoid a lot of unnecessary regret in this life, hang out with your elders (and actually listen to what they are saying) sometimes — they’ve already been where you are and, since when it comes to them, you can’t say the same, you just might get a few gems (in fact, I can almost guarantee it).
Take sobergasms, for instance. Oh, I’m willing to bet that a senior in your life has mentioned them, just in another way, before. If you’ve never heard of the term, it’s actually a pretty good one because it means just what you think it does: SOBER ORGASMS. And just to make sure that we all are on the same page, it’s sex — that hopefully includes orgasms — that involves very little to no alcohol.
I thought that it was important to address this term for a couple of different reasons. One is for the reason that is mentioned in the origin story of sobergasms that I will address in just a sec. Another is because…people who are in long-term committed relationships? I think it’s pretty safe to say that, unless they both have some sort of substance abuse situation going on, most of them have sex some, if not most of the time, without alcohol (and certainly without drunkenness) being involved. Those who engage in casual/recreational sex, though? Well, I’ve got some stats included in this piece that will show you how much alcohol and copulation go hand in hand in a lot of those instances.
And although some studies say that casual sex (i.e., hook-up culture) isn’t quite as rampant as it was, even just a few years ago, at the same time, let’s not act like it isn’t still happening. Hell, every time we hop on social media, we see evidence (and sometimes fallout) of that. Plus, while many people are out here declaring that they don’t want or need marriage anymore (chile) — do you hear them saying that they feel the same way about sex?Yeah…exactly.
With all of this being said, let’s take a moment to look into what sobergasms are really all about and why, if you are sexually active and are not in anything serious, you should strongly consider having (more of) them.
The Origin Story of Sobergasms Is…
Aight, so here’s the backstory of sobergasms. Last year, right around the holiday season, the sexual wellness brand Lovehoney decided to partner up with an alcohol-free drink company (CleanCo) to create a mocktail (I will share the recipe in just a sec) — you know, a cocktail that doesn’t have any alcohol in it. They did it because their UK (where they are based) research revealed that people tend to drink almost 40 percent more during the holidays (in the US, Americans reportedly drink twice as much as they usually do around that time).
If you add to that the fact that Lovehoney conducted their own study which cited that 64 percent of participants have admitted to having sex while being intoxicated and yet only 20 percent said that they actually enjoyed it.
And that was the main motivation for why Lovehoney came up with sobergasms: it’s a way to encourage people to be more intentional about going without drinking (so much) so that they can engage in the kind of sex that they will actually find to be pleasurable; especially since their findings also discovered that only 29 percent of men and 11 percent of women have consistent orgasms when they are drunk compared to 45 percent of men and 15 percent of women who do when they are sober.
As I thought about all of this, I decided to go on my own fact-finding mission about alcohol and its relationship to sex. It helped me to come up with even more reasons to cosign on sobergasms — and I’m hoping that it will do the same thing for you.
Before I share 10 interesting stats, first, the recipe for the mocktail that Lovehoney and CleanCo came up with:
Sobergasm Clean Drink
25ml fresh lime juice
50ml CleanCo Clean T
1 tbsp fresh orange juice
1 tbsp hot honey
Sea salt, chili flakes, and lime for garnish
You can click here for thorough instructions on how to make it. Over on this side of the pond, we’re pretty big on mocktails ourselves and so, if you'd like to test out some other recipes, check out “10 Spring/Summer Cocktails (& Mocktails) That Your Vagina Will Truly Enjoy” and “Sexy Sips: 8 Fall-Themed Mocktails That Are Aphrodisiacs Too.”
And while you’re pondering which mocktail you would actually like to try first, let’s get into some other reasons why oftentimes “less is best” when it comes to mixing sexual activity with alcohol consumption.
10 Stats to Keep in Mind When It Comes to Mixing Sex with Alcohol
When it comes to how many people partake in alcoholic beverages, Gallup cites that 65 percent of Americans who are over the age of 21 claim to do so. Out of those, the average amount of drinks that they consume on a weekly basis is around four. The preferred drink of choice? Wine (31-35 percent) with liquor being a close second (30 percent). Now factor all of this into your mind as you read the following information about alcohol and its relationship to sex:
1. One study revealed that almost 30 percent of participants were less safe when it came to their sexual decisions due to them having alcohol in their system.
2. About half of the sexual assaults that happen on college campuses involve alcohol whether it’s the perpetrator, the victim, or both.
3. Among college-aged women, when they are having sex while in a relationship, alcohol is involved 20 percent of the time. When it’s casual sex? Alcohol is involved 53 percent of the time (heavy drinking happened a whopping 36 percent of the time).
4. 42 percent of college students binge drink and 400,000 of them have sex without using a condom while consuming alcohol.
5.One study revealed that almost 72 percent of college students regretted their sexual decisions at least once. Out of the ones surveyed, almost 32 percent said that alcohol was involved when they did.
6.Of people aged 18-25, more individuals regretted having sex while having alcohol in their system than they did when it came to weed or ecstasy.
7. Women tend to participate in “non-traditional” sexual acts and masturbate more when they are intoxicated than when they are sober.
8. Although a small amount of alcohol in a woman’s system can arouse them sexually, high amounts will decrease it and can even make it harder for them to become naturally lubricated.
9. Alcohol increases the probability of having more sex partners for women.
10. Alcohol can make it more challenging for women to climax.
When you take all of this in, although I certainly appreciate how Lovehoney has brought to our attention that too much alcohol can make sex less physically pleasurable, as you can see, it can also make coitus more risky, potentially more dangerous and it can cause us to make some pretty unwise decisions, if we’re not careful as well.
And so honestly, this additional intel should further solidify why you should be uber cautious and super careful if you are going to bring alcohol into the picture when it comes to having sex with another person — again, especially if it’s recreational sex. Because even though intercourse, on average, lasts between 3-7 minutes (Google is right there), that small window of time can result in a lifetime of consequences that you may not wish to experience.
Besides, it’s not like sober sex doesn’t have its own benefits…
5 Benefits of Having Sex While You’re Completely Sober
You know what’s interesting about the word “sober”? It doesn’t just mean that you aren’t drunk; it also means that you are “rational,” “self-controlled” and “level-headed” — and yes, when you are about to have sex with someone who you aren’t in a serious, long-term or exclusive sexual relationship with, it’s best that you are all of these things. Because while alcohol can initially make you feel like sexual activity will be more fun, sober sex has the following five proven things to offer.
1. You can better trust your decisions. Recently, I watched a video of four women who taped and posted themselves driving drunk. Moments later, all of them were ejected from the vehicle that they were in and only one survived (and she is in critical condition). Imagine if they could go back in time and go without having alcohol in their system before getting in that vehicle. SMDH.
When it comes to today’s topic, no matter what pop culture tries to tell you, any act that can potentially result in you conceiving or contracting something that doesn’t have a cure is serious as all get out. That’s why, especially when it comes to casual sex, you want to make sure that you go into the act as level-headed as possible — and you can only really do that if/when you are sober.
2. You can clearly articulate your needs and expectations. We’ve all seen a movie (or personally know someone) where a woman got tipsy and wanted to do certain sexual things; however, as alcohol began to affect her system even more, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go further or not. When you’re sober, it’s so much easier to articulate what you want/don’t want and what your expectations are. T
hat said, there are so many people who have sex-related regrets and a big part of the reason is because alcohol totally clouded their judgment and sometimes altered their thoughts and words. Definitely something to (always) keep in mind when it comes to consuming alcohol in the presence of others.
3. You’re more present. I also want to make sure that I touch on some of the things that prompted Lovehoney to come up with sobergasms in the first place. As far as the purely pleasurable side of sex goes, ask anyone who has a satisfying situation in their bedroom and I’m willing to bet that one thing that they will advise is to not overthink the experience and to remain in the moment.
When you’re intoxicated, your mind tends to be all over the place. When you’re sober-minded, it’s easier to remain focused.
4. Sex definitely tends to be more pleasurable. I’ve already shared with you that you are wetter and it’s easier for you to climax when you don’t have a lot of alcohol in your system. A part of the reason is that, since your brain is your biggest sex organ, it’s important to keep in mind that alcohol has a way of negatively affecting the communication pathways of your brain; when that happens, it can cause your moods to become erratic and you tend to become less coordinated too.
Not well-lubricated. Not climaxing. In a bad mood. Do those that sound like the keys to an awesome sexual experience? Right…absolutely not.
5. There is a lot less regret. Once you have sex with someone, you can’t take it back. That’s why it’s so important that you go into the act feeling like this is something that you really want to do (the person and the acts included); you significantly decrease the chances of you having this type of certainty when you’re not sober. And sexual regret can sometimes be one of the hardest things to get past.
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Sobergasms. Although there seem to be new terms that come up daily, one that I can definitely get behind is that. Because it encourages everyone to be sober-minded and sexually responsible in order to ultimately have a more fulfilling sexual experience.
And I will certainly raise a mocktail to that.
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