

Self-esteem is one of those words that we hear a ton, right? Tell me something. Whenever you do, what immediately comes to your own mind? While there are literally thousands of self-help books, blogs and articles on the topic, I think the easiest breakdown would be that self-esteem is about how you determine your own worth. The reason why this matters so much is because knowing what your worth is determines the choices that you'll make—and that can ultimately determine your destiny.
While, for a lot of my 40s, my self-esteem has been in a pretty good place, my 20s and 30s were a roller coaster ride because I didn't value myself as much as I should have. Some of it was due to generational curses. Some was due to having some really toxic people in my life. Some was due to simply not knowing how. However, now that I get just how special I am and how there are certain things that only I can contribute to this world, everything about how I choose to live my life is very different. A lot of it has to do with the following 10 tips that I'm about to share.
If this is the year that you are determined to boost your self-esteem, raise your own worth and then add tax, these steps can help to make that desire a true reality. Trust me. I am living proof.
1. Affirm Yourself on the Daily
I'm someone who firmly believes that if you want to understand a "tree", you need to spend some time evaluating its "roots". That's why I wrote articles for the site like "What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?" and "How To Recover If You Had To 'Raise Your Parents' As A Child". Unfortunately, a lot of us did not get the affirming that we so desperately needed from our parents/loved ones/teachers/mentors while growing up or we received mixed messages from them (I can't tell you how many times I was told not to wear certain lip shades as a teen because my full lips would make it be "too much"; talk about a backhanded compliment, chile). And so, since the people we looked up to totally sucked at making some of us feel good about ourselves—at every stage of our childhood and adolescence—many of us grew up thinking negatively about ourselves as well. And that does nothing good for one's self-esteem.
You can't do anything about the past. What you can do is be intentional about lifting yourself up in the here and now. One way to do that is to write down 10-15 things that you genuinely like about yourself and post them somewhere that you can see them. Then make sure to state those things out loud, each and every day (add onto the list as more things come to mind too). Sound crazy? It's not. What's crazy is spending your life looking down on yourself when there is only one you, when you are a true gift to this planet and when tomorrow is not promised. Feel me?
2. Put Your Needs BEFORE Your Wants
While on the surface, this might seem like a crazy point, if you spend enough time in toxic patterns to the point where you want to break them, this will actually start to make perfect sense. Wisdom and maturity tend to teach us that everything we want isn't good for us. Example? There are quite a few men on my sex list who were fine and pretty good in bed who about destroyed my sense of self-worth and almost took my uterus out (long story).
I had to learn the hard way that a sign that you truly love and value yourself is you aren't so impulsive that you will go after something that you want without pondering if your mind, body, and spirit can all agree that you need that person, place thing or idea in your life. Because the reality is, a lot of what we want is designed to appease us while the very things that we need can truly fulfill us. Placing needs before wants are how the big girls live. You're grown, right? Choose wisely.
3. Stop Putting So Much on Your Plate
I don't know what makes so many of us believe that if we overextend ourselves, it's a good thing. Well actually, I do have one theory. I think some of us feel that if we put a ton on our plate, it will somehow prove our worth when really, all it does is wear us TF out, cause us to do things halfway, and oftentimes, it makes us resentful of those who don't appreciate the fact that we put ourselves in this position in the first place.
More times than not, when we have too much going on, that is totally on us because, there is such a thing as the word "no" (check out "The Art Of Saying 'No' To Things You Don't Want To Do"). There's not a ton of time and space to get into why so many of us struggle with this two-letter word that is a boundary and a lifesaver; however, one of my theories is when we were toddlers, a lot of us said that word incessantly. Because we ran it into the ground, our parents reprimanded us and so it went into our psyche that saying "no" is a bad thing when it really is nothing more than a limit.
If you want to do things right and well while maintaining your own peace of mind, you need to get into the habit of doing less so that you can do everything in excellence. Besides, here are no million-dollar checks being passed out to those who damn near kill themselves trying to accomplish as much as possible on any given day. For the sake of your health and well-being, pace yourself. It's a true act of self-care.
4. Forgive Yourself
You know what I find to be interesting. The folks who are typically the most critical of others also never give their own selves a break. Also, the ones who don't believe in forgiving other people are oftentimes the ones who never forgive themselves either. Lawd, if there are two things that many of us were taught an extremely poor definition of, it's what it means to love and to forgive. And because we don't really understand either, we choose to weaponize them both.
As far as forgiveness goes, I promise you that it's not about cosigning on the abuse, hurt or pain that someone has caused you. If I were to simplify forgiveness, it's about giving a wound the time and space that it needs to heal, so that you don't keep "picking at it" and infecting it all of the time. Because the reality is, a lot of people who believe that it's OK to dwell in a space of unforgivingness are actually the ones who either keep reliving what was done to them or they end up taking it out on other people—people who have absolutely nothing to do with what happened to them.
A wise person once said, "Remember, when you forgive you heal and when you let go, you grow." If you want to heal, forgive anyone who did something that hurt you. Including yourself. Watch how far this gets you in your self-development and in the relationships you have with others, moving forward.
5. Leave Toxicity TOTALLY Alone
There are some words that are tossed around so much that I don't think we really get how serious they are at this point. One of them is "toxic". For the record, people are human and humans make mistakes. So just because someone disappoints you or doesn't always live up to your expectations, that doesn't automatically or necessarily make them a toxic human being. Toxic is harmful. Toxic is damaging. Toxic is poison.
If you look up the definition of poison, one of the things that it states is it's something that will ultimately impair your overall health and well-being. When you're on a quest to love yourself in a truly productive way, you can't keep yourself around people, places, things and ideas that will hinder you from being mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, professionally, relationally or spiritually not so good. I don't care if it's a family member, a friend, a church, a job, a city, a relationship—life is too short and you are too precious to keep choosing what is keeping you from thriving. Let. It. Go.
6. Take More Risks
While it might seem odd to recommend that you take risks in order to build your self-esteem, here's why I think that it's such a good idea. Risks build confidence because, at the end of the day, what you are saying is that you trust yourself enough to do something that you've never done before or to try something that might seem a little out of the box.
In fact, I'd venture to say that many people who struggle with their self-worth do so because they doubt their capabilities more than they should. They don't think they're good enough to apply for a certain job. They don't think they're attractive enough to ask a certain someone out on a date. They don't think they are daring enough to take a trip to a place that they've never been before. Oh, but when they do it and realize (more times than not) that they made a bigger deal in their head than they ever should have, it helps them to walk away with a, "I really am bomb, ain't I?" mentality.
When you take a risk, only two things can happen—you can succeed or not. Either way, it's good for your self-esteem because the ultimate takeaway is you bet on yourself. That makes you courageous and the bolder you get, the stronger your self-esteem will become in the long run.
7. Partake in More Indulgence
This past January 9, I celebrated 14 years of abstinence. When my crew asked me what I did to celebrate, my answer was simple—I pampered myself. The day before my anniversary, I got a mani/pedi. The day of, I found a place to get my eyebrows arched (because for some reason, a threader does them too thin; I don't like that). I also copped some beautiful long-as-hell feather earrings. I ordered some oxtails (I dig me some oxtails). Then I chilled. It was wonderful.
I'm a giver. I'm really glad that God made me that way too. However, there used to be a time when I was giving to any and everyone but myself. No longer is that the case, though. I finally get that I deserve to indulge myself in things that make me feel beautiful and celebrated, just as much as anyone else does. And you know what? So. Do. You. If you want others to cherish and adore you, you've got to set the example. One way to do that is to pamper yourself. What's your plan for that this year?
8. Value Your Time
There's a quote by an author named H. Jackson Brown, Jr. that, minus the fact that there are no Black people in it (side-eye), I really like. It says, "Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein." If you substitute this with names like Oprah and Beyoncé, it really is crazy that we all have 24 hours and yet, some of us are either stagnant or in some sort of perpetual life cul-du-sac because we live ho-hum lives or we choose to do things that are a colossal waste of our time (check out "These Bad Habits Are Totally Wasting Your Time").
I don't care if it's a relationship, a job, a habit or anything else—take some time out to reflect on the fact that these past 10 years alone went by pretty fast and time only seems to be moving more swiftly the older that we become. With all of that said, a huge sign of not esteeming your worth is to let any person, place, thing or idea waste your time. I've shared what waste means before. It means "to consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return". Did you peep that "without adequate return" part? If you're out here spending hours on social media or watching television, that can be a waste of time, sho 'nuf. At the same time, if you're constantly putting in more than you're getting back whether it's a person, place, thing or even an idea, that is also wasting your time. You're better than that. Stop it. Not later. Now please.
9. LOVE YOUR BODY AS IT IS
I seriously doubt that if we didn't see as much of other people's bodies as we do, that we'd struggle with our own body image so much. Comparing ourselves to others is so ridiculously counterproductive. Besides, I've shared before that one of the most romantic things that I've ever heard a husband say about his wife is what he physically loved about her is "when God made her, he had me in mind". I know the couple personally and the wife is no traditional Coca-Cola bottle. It doesn't matter to him. She's got what he likes. How beautiful is that?
All of us have our own personal opinions about things like cosmetic surgery. No time to get into all of that. What is important is making sure that you don't hate your body simply because it's not like so-and-so. Who cares?
You've got the same Creator that everyone else has and just think about how you would feel if something you made told you that you totally jacked it all up just because it doesn't look like something else that you designed? A healthy body image is not only healthy to have but super sexy too. Make it a point to celebrate your individuality. Watch how much higher your self-esteem gets once you do.
10. Rest
When it comes to the topic of resting, one of my favorite quotes is, "If you get tired, learn to rest, not quit." (A street artist by the name of Banksy is credited with saying it.) It might be a bit of an "ouch" to hear, but a part of the reason why a lot of us don't accomplish all that we desire to isn't that we're not capable; it's because we overlook bare essentials like eating right and resting well. Listen, getting 6-8 hours of sleep at night is not a luxury; if you want to fully function on all cylinders, it is an absolute necessity.
While we're here, it should also go on record that rest isn't just about catching some zzz's. Rest also includes knowing what you need to do in order to refresh yourself. Something that can help you to figure out what type of rest your mind, body, and/or soul requires is to check out the article, "You're Tired AF. But What Kind Of Rest Do You Need?". By honoring that you need to love yourself enough to sleep soundly and rest internally, you are well on your way to proving that you're worth a million bucks and that nothing or no one should treat you as any less than that. The cool thing is you'll be alert enough to pinpoint the jokers who try and make you feel otherwise. Get some rest, sis. Your self-esteem depends on it—it really is a wonderful act of self-love.
These are just 10 things but they are 10 powerful ones. I'm telling you, once you know how precious you are, it's damn near impossible for anyone or anything to shake you. The year has just begun. Go into it with high self-esteem. The world will be your oyster if you do!
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
We All Mess Up Sometimes. But Can You Trust A Friend's Apology?
Although what I mostly deal with when it comes to the clients that I have is romantic relationships, there are definitely times when other topics come up. For instance, recently, someone was talking to me about some drama that they were going through with a friend of theirs. Emotionally, they felt like they were in a bit of a bind because while, on one hand, they had been friends with this individual for over 15 years at this point, on the other, there were certain things that they had done, more than once, that were starting to take its toll.
When I asked my client if they had clearly articulated their feelings, concerns, and boundaries to that individual, they admitted that they hadn’t.
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
Sometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
One day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
Now that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
If you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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