Not too long ago, someone was venting to me about how it gets on their nerves when a relatively thin person goes on and on about how "fat" they are. When they asked me if I thought it was a tactic used to bait compliments, I simply said, "You know, some folks are survivors of eating disorders, so you've gotta be careful with your responses."
I'm introing this article this way because, like our relationship with people, oftentimes our relationship with food can be layered and quite complex. Our upbringing plays a role. The media plays a role. Our body image plays a role. Our mental and emotional health play a role. What our systems may be lacking at any given time plays a role. And unless we process all of this from a healthy and balanced perspective, it can be really easy to bring some level of guilt or regret into the dynamic whenever we sit down to have a meal.
Let's get free from the ties that bond today, OK? While a topic as complex as this can only be broached on a semi-surface level in one article, I really do hope that the following eight "hacks" can make your own experiences with foods less about shame and more about joy — because you deserve for them to be.
1. Accept That We All Have a Relationship with Food
Like I just said, we all have a relationship with food. And, like virtually all relationships, sometimes there are going to be good days. Other times, not so much. So, just how can you know if you and food are in a great spot? It's really about approaching food from a levelheaded and practical perspective. You don't rely on food to make you feel good (more on that in a sec). You don't find yourself being extreme (either eating tons of what isn't good for you or depriving yourself of certain things that make you happy). You also don't allow yourself to make food define your worth or value. You also are forgiving when it comes to you and food. What I mean by that is, if you go on a diet and break it, it doesn't totally devastate you or, if you're trying vegetarianism or veganismand you have meat sometimes, you don't feel riddled with shame. In short, you know that even when it comes to food, grace has to be extended.
Wanna know another sign of having a good relationship with food? You don't isolate your feelings. You don't lie to yourself and say that you're the only one who has good days and bad days. You also know that it's OK to share with those who care about you the thoughts that you may be having about food.
No relationship is easy all of the time. Yet what we need in our lives, we find a way to work through. We definitely need food and so, a good relationship provides space to figure out how to see food from a healthy perspective while also offering up self-compassion on the not-so-good-days — knowing that there will be some.
2. Ponder If You’re an Emotional Eater. Or Not.
There's someone I know who, over the years, has caused me to see emotional eating in a bit of a different light. It's because she is very open about the fact that the state of her marriage can cause her to put on or lose 25 pounds (literally), depending on how things are going. Matter of fact, whenever I see her on the heavier side, she will casually say, "Girl, you know I'm an emotional eater and he stresses me out."
What she should do about her marriage is another topic for another time. For now, let's hit on some pretty telling signs of an emotional eater. Someone who comforts themselves through food is typically an emotional eater. Someone who eats more when they are stressed out or anxious is typically an emotional eater. Someone who eats, even when they are full, because it helps them to deal or distracts them from dealing with a particular matter at hand is typically an emotional eater. Someone who almost sees food as a friend is typically an emotional eater. Someone who uses profoundly intense words to express their relationship with food (words like love, tempted, obsessed, guilt, drawn to it) is typically an emotional eater.
The problem with all of this is, once you start leaning over into this way of thinking and feeling, you tend to become more attached to food than you should be. Instead of it being a necessary substance for your survival, you rely on it as a coping mechanism. And when you become this food dependent, there's a chance that feelings of guilt or regret will occur.
The thing about this particular point is it's not really something that you can "get a hold on" all by yourself (which is why the person I was talking about remains on a constant "weight loop"). So, if you happen to see yourself here, schedule an appointment with a reputable therapist/counselor and also a nutritionist. They can help you to see food from a more productive perspective, so that you can enjoy it more than rely on it.
3. Let Up on Yourself, the Week Before Your Period
If you and food are pretty good other than a week or so before your period, girl, let that ish go. There is a legitimately scientific reason for why you may want stacks of pancakes every morning and a plate of fries every night. It's because your estrogen and progesterone levels are all over the place. Not only that but when you eat starches and sugars, it can give you a serotonin surge which can actually make you feel happy, at least for a little while, when you are PMS'ing. So, while this is no excuse to totally go ham, what I am saying is if you've got cravings around your period, there is no reason to feel guilty about that. If there's one thing that is pretty universal with women when it comes to food, this would be it.
4. Give Yourself “Cheat Days”
Whenever folks talk about developing better eating habits and then they say something like "I'm never gonna eat such-and-such again," unless it's something that is super bad for them (soda immediately comes to mind), I'm kinda like, "why?" Life is too short to not have a scoop of your favorite ice cream, a slice of your favorite pizza or whatever else brings you joy from time to time. That said, there's no reason to totally deprive yourself. The answer is to give yourself a cheat day — you know, a day in the week when you actually give yourself permission to indulge in some of your faves without feeling any guilt about it. If you come at certain foods from this perspective, there will be no reason for shame or regret because you will still feel like you are in control of things. You set (for instance) Saturday aside, by design, so that you can sit back and eat what you want without having to second guess it later.
5. Don’t Always “Reward Yourself” with Food
I honestly can't remember how many times I've written an article for this platform and not referenced enjoying some ice cream in it (like this one, for example). That's how much I like the stuff. That's why, I would absolutely be a total hypocrite if I said that it's 100 percent wrong to reward yourself with food sometimes. However, in the context of this particular piece, I think the wiser focus would be to "treat yourself" from time to time with food rather than all out reward yourself.
Here's why.
If every time you set a goal and reach it or make a commitment (even to yourself) and keep it and you eat as a way to pat yourself on the back, it can cause you to create some pretty unhealthy eating habits. Because after all, how many of us are out here rewarding ourselves with a salad, right? Plus, approaching things this way can program your mind to think that food is the pinnacle prize for "good behavior".
While something sweet or delectable can be cool sometimes, strive to be more intentional about rewarding yourself in other ways. Go on a trip. Purchase those pumps you've been eyeing. Have an at-home pampering day. Spend a night in a swanky hotel room. Do absolutely nothing one weekend. Again, food is great. Delicious too. Still, when it comes to rewarding yourself, put forth the effort to think outside of the box. There are a ton of other ways to celebrate yourself. Ways that won't possibly make you feel bad after you do them.
6. Cook More Often
Maybe you feel guilty because you are constantly spending money by going out to eat or sitting through drive-thrus. The best way to remedy this is to cook at home more often. As someone who cooks, at least five days a week, I'm here to tell you that once you get into the swing of it, it's hard to not get totally hooked. After all, cooking is proven to be healthier, far more cost-effective, it saves time, can help you to lose weight (because you can control the portions) and, if you do it with loved ones, it's a fun way to spend quality time too.
There have been times when I've ordered a salmon Caesar salad to be delivered to my house and guess what? Afterwards (sometimes even during), I felt guilty for doing so. Why? Because the delivery fees were high as hell (plus, I like to tip well) and, sometimes, it wasn't prepared to my liking either. So, in the back of my mind, all I could think is, "I should've just made this myself." Not to say that eating out is bad or wrong. I'm just saying that if you tend to experience what I just said, there's a high probability that cooking at home can instantly remedy that. Try it. It just might surprise you.
7. Remember That Being Healthy Is the Top Priority
Please hear me, loud and clear on this point. There are some thin people with clogged arteries. There are some not-so-thin people who are in great physical condition. That's why I'm not big on talking about size so much as the word "healthy". You know, on the topic of guilt, I once read that two of the problems that arise from it is it can cause you to constantly punish yourself and prevent you from fully embracing and enjoying your life. You don't need to give food that much power. So, if the reason why you struggle with guilt and regret is because you think you should look like someone on an IG profile or magazine blog, please let yourself off of the hook. For one thing, filters, Photoshop and cosmetic surgery run in abundance in these streets and besides — we all need to eat in order to be healthy more than anything else.
If you need some help understanding what that requires, this is another dynamic where a nutritionist can be of great service. If you'd like to know how to begin your search, a Black, female, registered dietician nutritionist by the name of Marisa Moore published an article on her site entitled "Black Nutritionists You Need to Know" earlier this year. I'm thinking it can at least point you into the right direction.
8. Keep Everything in Balance
An author by the name of Joshua Osenga once said, "Balance is a feeling derived from being whole and complete; it's a sense of harmony." I totally agree and you know what? When it comes to achieving balance as it relates to your relationship with food, it's also really important to ponder if things are a little out of balance when it comes to other areas of your life. Because oftentimes, what we do physically is an extension of things that are going on (or not transpiring) mentally, emotionally, relationally, financially or even spiritually. This means if those areas are straight, we oftentimes see food from a more holistic perspective.
So, before you beat yourself up for the way you've been eating lately, do some journaling about how you've been feeling or what you've been experiencing overall. If things seem chaotic, confusing or overwhelming, tend to those areas specifically. I'd be really surprised if that doesn't alter your eating patterns, so that balance can be restored.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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You know, sometimes, when I go back and look at some of the articles that I’ve penned for the platform before, I truly can’t believe how fast time flies. Take the piece, “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?” — now, how in the world did it turn five this year? I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around it. And although the piece does address some key points — like the fact that there is somewhat of a difference between being spiritual and being religious (although more people should read James 1:27 in order to understand how the Bible defines religion to be…it just might surprise them) — I want to explore a deeper angle of our spirituality, along with what we should require of it.
Today, let’s look at spirituality from the perspective of “the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things,” “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…” (Murray and Zentner) and, perhaps, more than anything else, “the relationship between ourselves and something larger."
You know, it’s a woman by the name of Dr. Maya Spencer who once said, “Spirituality means knowing that our lives have significance in a context beyond a mundane everyday existence at the level of biological needs that drive selfishness and aggression. It means knowing that we are a significant part of a purposeful unfolding of Life in our universe.” Indeed.
And while keeping that in mind, if this is a time of your life when you would like to “clean or cleanse your spirituality” by doing things like removing negative energy, getting rid of old or counterproductive patterns and/or by stepping into an elevated space as far as your human spirit and soul are concerned, you might be pleasantly surprised by how easy and even fun that can be for you to do.
To effectively clean/cleanse your spirit, start by asking — and answering — the following five spirituality-focused questions:
What Inspires You?
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Remember how, in the intro, I shared that one definition of spirituality is “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…”? That is actually where I am pulling a lot of these questions from because, the reality is that focusing on things that inspire you, intentionally pondering your purpose, and also by encouraging yourself to become an overall better human being — these things definitely tie into your spiritual side whether you are “traditionally religious” or not.
And so, when it comes to cleansing your spirituality in this season, a great question to start off with is what actually inspires you? And listen, believe it or not, inspire is a pretty layered word. I say that because, while one definition is “to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.),” another is “to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence,” while synonyms of the word include excite, affect, cause, motivate, provoke, and instill. This means that if you truly want to say or do things from a place of inspiration, you need to produce things from a divine or supernatural space (interesting, right?).
The reason why it’s so important to “spring clean” in this department is, oftentimes you can be motivated or provoked by things that aren’t really all that good, healthy and/or beneficial for you (social media fast, anyone?) — things that take your mind off of what’s divine — sacred, godly and extremely good. As a result, you find yourself producing out of a mind and heart space that is compromised when it comes to your core standards, values, and even goals.
So yes, in the effort to cleanse your spirituality, begin by really reflecting on what you claim inspires you — then revisit what the word actually means…just to be sure that you are being honest with yourself about whether something or one is truly inspiring you…or not.
What Amplifies Your Purpose?
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Purpose is always something that is going to be a pretty big deal to me. That’s why I’ve written articles for the platform like “What Does It Mean To Have 'Purposeful Relationships'?,” “Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose,” “The Conversation You Need To Have With Yourself Before The New Year Begins,” “How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'” and “5 Signs You Are Living Your True Purpose.” It’s because really, if you’re not focused, most of all, on the reason why you exist in the first place, nothing else is going to be fully, truly, and authentically fulfilling for you.
So, when it comes to this part of your spirituality, first take some time to make sure that you know what your purpose is. If you have no clue and you’re ready to find out, as a wise person once said, wisdom comes in the questions, even more than the answers, and Rockwood Leadership Institute has a whopping 132 questions that you can ask yourself in order to get to the root of what your purpose is here. On the flip side, if you do know and you’re just not feeling completely satisfied in what you are currently doing as it relates to executing your purpose, it sounds to me like you are going through a bit of a “purpose growth spurt,” and yes, there is such a thing.
For instance, I am very clear on what my purpose in life is — I am here to teach what I study and research about when it comes to the topics of covenant marriage, sex, and the biblical Sabbath. All are covenant principles that have been unbelievably compromised in a thousand different ways. However, as I evolve, transform, and mature, my understanding of what I know does as well, and that “upgrades” how I approach and share my purpose with others. You see, purpose is never supposed to be stagnant…it is ever-shifting as far as how you accomplish things within it.
And that’s why, spiritually, it’s so important that you make sure that you are AMPLIFYING YOUR PURPOSE. To amplify is “to make larger, greater, or stronger; enlarge; extend.” If you are not putting forth the effort to do just this, there is some spiritual cleansing that must be done because, if there is one thing about a person’s purpose, it’s the fact that it’s HUGE which means that there will always be plenty to do within it until their time on this earth ends.
What Makes You Love Better…and More?
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I believe I’ve mentioned before that a show that I loathe with every fiber of my being (and there really is so much to choose from these days — SMDH) is TV One’s For My Man. Not only is it a program that discourages full-level accountability, but it irks me to no end every time that it says that a woman did some heinous crime in the name of love. According to Scripture, GOD IS LOVE (I John 4:8&16). Not only that, but the Love Chapter in Scripture has a very healthy, sane, and mature take on how we should love and require love in return (I’m going to share two translations of I Corinthians 13:4-8 for expanded context):
“Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always ‘me first,’ doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies.” (I Corinthians 13 — Message)
“Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].” (I Corinthians 13 — AMPC)
Now, think about what you see displayed on television when it comes to relationships. Based on these verses, is it love? Is it really? Ponder all of the relationship content that’s on social media. Does it sound like this kind of love? Does it really? The times when you’ve done things that you know were purely rooted in selfishness, impatience, and/or refusing to do for others what you would want them to do for you — how can any of that be loving? If you do believe in God and you also believe that you were made in his image (Genesis 1:26-28), this means that a part of your own spiritual DNA is love. This also means that if you know that your love has been tainted by material or physical things (which, by definition, is the opposite of spirituality), it’s time to make some real adjustments.
That said, take some time, think about the people and things that you profess to love, and ask yourself if it’s really love or is it lust or entitlement or immaturity. Then ask yourself what you can do to love those individuals and items better.
Remember, since you are made from Love, it’s important that you love like you are.
How Effective Are You When It Comes to Compassion?
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Personally, I think that whenever someone does something reckless and then follows up with the Bible says not to judge, I find it to be a supreme level of gaslighting. The context of that verse is saying that in the way that you judge, you will be judged and that you should make sure that you are right in the area that you are judging before you judge someone else (Matthew 7:1-5); however, be clear that judgment is a form of accountability which is why there are also verses like “Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment” (John 7:24 — NKJV) that exist — not to mention the fact that discernment literally means “keen judgment” and the Good Book supremely promotes that: “Strike a scoffer, and the simple will become wary; rebuke one who has understanding, and hewill discern knowledge.” (Proverbs 19:25 — NKJV)
And that’s why, any time the topic of “don’t judge” comes up, I am known for saying something along the lines of, “PUH-LEEZE. If I say ‘You’re cute,’ I just judged you. Humans don’t have a problem with judgment; they don’t like criticism or accountability.” And gee, is that unfortunate because it’s hard to grow without both of those things. However, the key that comes with being on the giving end of criticism or holding someone accountable is applying a quote by author Anne McCaffrey: “Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
This world has a lot of…stuff going on, stuff that needs to be addressed and stuff that needs compassion applied while it is. By definition, compassion is about having concern for others, especially if what you see them going through, they have either told you or you can discern is tied to some level of internal suffering. And that’s why, in the spirit of spiritual cleansing, something else to ask is if you are holding others and even yourself accountable while operating from a place of genuine care and concern or is your ego just wanting to elevate itself or prove that it’s right?
You know, we’re living in a time when, more and more, people are frowning on humility which is unfortunate because a definite quality that comes with being a compassionate person is absolutely that — “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4 — NKJV)
It really is almost impossible to be profoundly spiritual without being a compassionate person. Is this an area that needs some “cleaning up”? If so, there is no time like the present.
What Encourages You to Be Wiser and Full of More Truth?
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Musician Jimi Hendrix once said, “Knowledge speaks, wisdom listens.” Aristotle once said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” Confucius once said, “By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is the noblest; second, by imitation, which is the easiest; and third, by experience, which is the bitterest." Thomas Jefferson once said, “The wisest men know their weakness.” Author Gift Gugu Mona once said, “A woman of peace is a wise woman who understands that peace is more powerful than trying to prove a point.”
And what does it mean to be wise?
People who can regulate their emotions are wise. People who actually learn from their experiences (and the experiences of others, so that they don’t have to experience everything) are wise. People who know how to tame their ego are wise. People who are flexible/adaptable, non-materialistic, are self-aware, can be relied upon for great perspectives and insights, and are teachable are wise. The self-disciplined are wise. The patient are wise. The non-entitled are wise. Those who prioritize well are wise.
Those who do not live above their means (across the board), they are also wise. And there is no way that you can be wise without being willing to be completely honest, yes truthful with yourself about where you could stand to gain more wisdom and what must be done — and sometimes sacrificed — in order to get it.
And so, as I close this piece out, when it comes to spring cleaning your spirituality, ask yourself who and what encourages and enables you to become a wiser individual — AND who and what hinders that from transpiring. Then be honest with yourself about what is challenging you for the better and what, frankly, is only dumbing you down. Indeed, in order to live out the full potential of your spirituality, wisdom must come into play. However, it’s important to keep in mind that, for wisdom to truly flourish, it is a conscious choice — a daily decision.
And it will never come so long as you are making up excuses, justifying poor behavior (check out “Accountability Time: Let's Stop Calling It A 'Mistake' When It Was A 'Choice'”) or lying to yourself about what needs to be done. Taking those approaches to life is literally the opposite of being wise.
A French priest by the name of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin once said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” I can only imagine how much the quality of our lives would improve if we took that in on a very serious level.
The good news is you can choose to do it — right here and right now.
See yourself as a spiritual being.
Clean/cleanse whatever hinders that reality.
And watch how you begin to soar, supernaturally, by design, because of it, sis.
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