As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer.
This is Tasha McClarrin's story, as told to Charmin Michelle.
My son walked up to me and stood there.
"What's wrong, baby?" I asked.
"Can I have a hug?" he replied. I was confused. A hug? Of course! This was my child, my love, my sanity during this difficult time.
Why is he even asking?
As I reached out to give him the best hug I had in me, he continued, "You haven't given me a hug in a month..." I remember the look on his face when he said those words. It was like a dagger.
And that was my breaking point.
Leading up to that moment, I had been depressed for months. I didn't eat and couldn't sleep. I couldn't move. I was having frequent mental and emotional breakdowns. I was in the early stages of filing for divorce.
Guys, divorce is...complicated. It's a loss, a death. Extreme sadness becomes a factor, regardless of the relief of divorcing. And there was a time when I didn't know if my relationship with my boys would ever return to what it was before, as heartbreaking as it is to say.
But my boys were patient with me. I apologized to them for losing my way. I told them I would change this situation if they could give me time and understanding. My sons both believed in me, stood beside me, and didn't give up on me from that moment on.
I come from a very small town called Waynesville, North Carolina. And however small you're thinking, think even smaller than that (we would have to petition cable companies to get basic channels, which my small-town people will understand). I met my ex-husband through a neighbor one day, and I loved the potential I saw in him. He was a charmer; a smooth talker. We fell in love.
As time went on, we eventually wed and had two of the most amazing sons you could imagine.
But our toxicity levels began to rise right around the time I was pregnant with my youngest. My ex made me feel as if I wasn't good enough, primarily in reference to my looks and weight. He would say certain things and his behavior began to change. I knew we had problems then, but I would try to ignore them. It's what us ladies do far too often.
He didn't mean it.
Maybe he's having a bad day.
From there, the cheating and lying began, which then led to all of his own insecurities showing up. We would fight, and I would be accused of the very things he was doing. I began to isolate myself and question if I was beautiful or if I was worthy. There were some things about me I truly didn't like. I was adamant about letting others know the bad about myself. It wasn't healthy at all, which I knew, but I was stuck.
But then, my baby asked me for that hug. It was time for a divorce—for me, and for my sons.
Filing for divorce ignited a new direction in me. The first year, I planned and set goals. Ultimately, I just wanted to recover after feeling so much was lost—time, energy, precious moments. It took me forcefully seeking out new focus and lots of pep talks.
Go Tasha. You've got this.
You're unstoppable.
Life is amazing, and you are extremely blessed, girl.
Thankfully, life after divorce allows you to be more focused because there's more clarity. You've removed your aura from negative spaces and a false sense of happiness. I've taken myself on dates. I've bought myself nice things. I've taken amazing trips with my boys. And most importantly, I've rediscovered self-love. While, I'm still navigating through dating because so much has changed since I was last in the game, I've found that self-love is my best weapon. The more I love myself and surround myself with love, the easier it will be for someone to find me to love.
Today, I am almost a two-year divorcee and even now, I'm continuing to heal. I believe traumatic environments can take time to recover from, and that's OK. I've learned about true self-care and that we have to do it every day. I plan for peace by protecting it.
I remember seeing my ex-husband with his mistress when we were going over our divorce paperwork, and I was so unfazed. That's when I knew I'd found peace.
Ladies, I'm saying all this to say, divorce is not a bad thing. Sure, it's not always pretty and it may not go how you envisioned it. Sometimes, like in my case, unfortunately, your kids may be the ones to show you that it's time for you to choose happiness again, and that's OK. It's OK to not fight for something that isn't working anymore. It's OK to accept defeat.
If you're considering divorce, write down the pros and cons. Center your takeaways on your own accountability and accept your fault in the matter. Find out if forgiveness is a place or an empty space in your marriage. In my particular situation, my ex-husband had no accountability, so we could never live in a forgivable place. Marriage is a union between two people who are accountable and know how to live with forgiveness. There was nothing left for us.
So, listen to yourself. And if you aren't being loud enough, your kids just might tell you instead.
Tasha plans to launch a collection of short stories and personal testimonials in the near future. To keep up with Tasha's story, or get more information about her essay collection, follow her on @tashaleshay on Facebook and @mstashaleshay on Instagram.
If you have a story you'd like to share, but aren't sure about how to put it into words, contact us at submissions@xonecole.com with the subject "As Told To" for your story to be featured.
Featured image courtesy of Tasha McClarrin.
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak