Money Talks is an xoNecole series where we talk candidly to real women about how they spend money, their relationship with money, and how they get it.
As we are out here getting to these coins, I want to ask you all something really quick. If you could write down the first idea that pops into your head, how much is it worth to you? And I am not talking about how much money you THINK people would pay for your idea. But how much money do you honestly believe your idea is worth right now? I ask this because a lot of times, as creatives, when we are coming up with ideas, we struggle with being confident in knowing how valuable they are. Now, no idea is too big or too small. But, with so many possibilities in the world with how you make a statement, it can get a little cloudy with believing that your idea can stand out among the rest.
I believe the trick is to not focus on how much faith you have in other people to buy in, but to focus on having faith in yourself. Do you believe in yourself? Do you believe your idea is valuable because you are valuable? You should always be confident in your capabilities first to really push forward your ideas/dreams. Your ideas are an extension of you, so they will always be pretty expensive. It doesn't matter how you came up with the idea or if you feel it has been done before. When you take a chance on your idea and stay determined to see it through, you are taking a chance on yourself. Every time.
This mindset is something I learned from six-figure entrepreneur Afenya Montgomery. Last year in 2020, I was able to attend an event at a coworking space where I connected with other women who were pursuing different businesses in different industries. It was so amazing listening to all their stories, especially the host, Afenya Montgomery. When we met, I knew we would stay in touch instantly. Now one year later, Afenya reminded me of how important investing in yourself is when it comes to entrepreneurship.
"I'm the kind of investor where I invest in myself and my ideas to watch them grow and flourish. I had this idea and I had to see it through. Nobody wants to look back years later and think, 'I should have done this or that.' I felt like if I was going to bet on anything, I was going to bet on myself. Always remember, when you are putting real money behind an idea, don't be in the talking stage or dating the idea. You have to be married to it."
Courtesy of Afenya Montgomery
Afenya Montgomery, born and raised on the south side of Chicago, started her professional career in the nursing field. Afenya was able to obtain her Master of Nursing degree and an MBA with a focus in executive leadership. In the year of 2017, Afenya felt that it was time for her to pivot. During that time, she started meeting up with her friends at local coffee shops and noticed that there was a lack of resources for people of color in entrepreneurship. That is all it took for Afenya to come up with an idea to help change that problem. Afenya mentions, "The idea began to form that it would be great to create a network of people that could act as accountability partners, potential business collaborators and resources for each other. Our first event was a panel discussion in June 2017 titled, 'Leveraging Your Network to Create Impact,' and we haven't looked back since."
Afenya is now the founder of The iCAN Collective. The iCAN Collective was founded on the pillars of Innovation, Collaboration, Accountability and Network. The iCAN Collective strives to give women a space to build a foundation of collaboration, authentic connections, and support as they blaze new trails on the path of entrepreneurship or in their careers. This company is a collaborative coworking space for women of color entrepreneurs, creatives, and game-changers, where it offers memberships, exclusive events, networking opportunities, and brand packages. Afenya wants to be a resource for creative entrepreneurs and celebrate them for going after their dreams.
When you chase your dreams and execute them no matter what, nobody can tell you nothing.
In this installment of "Money Talks", xoNecole spoke with Afenya Montgomery about how trusting your gut, being strategic, and building your business at your own pace are the keys to creating financial freedom.
xoNecole: How much money do you make in a year? A month?
Afenya: I usually make mid-six figures with my company in a year. My revenue breaks down to making around $15-20K a month.
What do you define as “wealth” vs “success”?
Success for me means you are setting goals for yourself and getting them accomplished. You create these milestones for yourself and they can be small or big. Either way, you are getting them done. As far as wealth, wealth to me is being able to have certain things you want in your life, but more importantly, leaving something behind for your children and building that legacy.
What’s the lowest you’ve ever felt when it comes to your finances?
The lowest point for me was back before I was in nursing school. It was during the Great Recession and I got laid off. At the time, I was a newlywed, I had just bought a house, and I was about to have a baby. So that was when I started to look at money differently. I realized you can't only depend on a job. You need other ways in order to sustain money. I didn't think about entrepreneurship at that time honestly, so what I did was, I started a blog about my journey. Then, I looked at what I was passionate about, what careers aligned with that, and thought about how I can have more control over my money.
How important is investing to you?
I have always been interested in investing and how I can save money better. Even before my company, I would open money marketing accounts and make sure I was smart about utilizing what I had for the things I needed at the time. When it comes to investing, I think it is really important to know which type of investments are right for you. Because let's be real, it is not easy investing thousands of dollars or 500 dollars into something that you want([laughs). I'm the kind of investor where I invest in myself and my ideas to watch them grow and flourish. But it is important to have a diverse portfolio and that you are married to this investment/idea.
When it comes to structuring your business, what are your streams of revenue and how did you go about establishing them?
Prior to having a physical space, The iCAN Collective was about creating workshops and networking events/opportunities for women of color interested in entrepreneurship. I found myself having these events in different spaces and figured why not create a space that was permanent. From there, I wanted to provide different things that a lot of spaces do not offer. So with this space, we provide membership, a coworking atmosphere, host events or intimate gatherings, and we offer brand packages. It's important to have something that is unique and stands out from the rest.
What are some unhealthy habits about money or some unhealthy mindsets about money that you had to let go of to truly prosper?
The first thing I had to change was this mindset about money as if it will never come. My brother would tell me these affirmations stating, "Money is always free-flowing. I am abundant. Money will come my way, etc." Affirming to myself that money is always around me shifted my scarcity mindset. I think a lot of us think about money with this mindset and we cannot continue thinking, 'If I spend this amount or I go after this goal, I will never have money again.'
"Affirming to myself that money is always around me shifted my scarcity mindset. I think a lot of us think about money with this mindset and we cannot continue thinking, 'If I spend this amount or I go after this goal, I will never have money again.'"
Courtesy of Afenya Montgomery
What keeps you motivated?
If you are passionate about something, then build the strategy behind what you want to do. I have heard people say that when it comes to business, do not go after your passion. But why passion is important to me is because that is honestly what keeps me going. If I don't have any interest or drive to be in that space, then I can't innovate in that space. Entrepreneurship is not one of those things where you're going to get a check just for showing up. You have to be really good at what you do and also have passion for it to see it flourish.
What is the most important lesson you’ve learned through being a businessowner?
It is important to be flexible and roll with the punches when you're an entrepreneur. But more importantly, my main lesson has been trusting your gut and trusting God. If God gave you an idea/mission, it is already protected by Him. I always tell people that I never wanted to be an entrepreneur. It was more of a God-given assignment and I have faith in what I am creating to be aligned with my purpose.
What was it like learning to expand your business from one city to multiple cities?
We are looking to expand The iCAN Collective to New York, which is funny because I actually wanted to move to New York when I was 18 years old (laughs). I am so in love with the vibe of New York and I also have family who live there. What I learned about creating a space in a new city is to always poll your people. It is really important to build relationships with the people in the community. I try to look at it through the lens of what I can I bring to this space to support the community the best way I can? I ask myself, what is the main need and what can I provide?
Was it easy to become a well-respected businesswoman in your respective industry or did it take time?
In the beginning, I was letting people know 'ya'll better put some respect on my name' (laughs). The thing about Chicago is that we are known to be a little cliquish. So it is not that I didn't know people in the industry, they just didn't know me. I won't lie, navigating through the industry was hard. I would go to a bunch of events, hand out my business cards, and network, network, network. But as time goes on, you realize that it is not about everyone knowing who you are, it is about the right people knowing who you are. You want to know the people who can speak your name in rooms that matter.
"As time goes on, you realize that it is not about everyone knowing who you are, it is about the right people knowing who you are. You want to know the people who can speak your name in rooms that matter."
Courtesy of Afenya Montgomery
What’s the best advice that you’ve received about finance during your first year of entrepreneurship?
The best advice I think that helped me during my first year is to build slowly. There is this misconception where you see people starting their businesses and everything is happening so fast, so you feel you have to catch up in a sense. But you really have to look at your strategy for your business, intentionally, in order to scale. Another really good piece of advice I received is that, a lot of people talk about an individual having multiple streams of income. But I don't think we talk enough about businesses having multiple streams of income. I have learned that it really helps to diversify what you provide in your business. If you are trying to be a million-dollar business, make sure that every move you make feeds that desire.
To learn more about Afenya, you can follow her on instagram @afenyabsn. You can also check out her business website here.
Featured image courtesy of Afenya Montgomery
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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