

Relationships can be complicated, this is for certain! But, they get even more complicated when we keep trying to go with the flow of societal norms rather than doing what feels good to both ourselves and our partner(s). Yes, this is easier said than done and it also requires us to acknowledge limiting beliefs that we may hold about ourselves and our relationships. Fortunately, more and more people push the boundaries and norms in order to create a relationship that is tailored to the couple in it rather than greater society. We hear of more couples opening their relationships to polyamory (not to be confused with polygamy) and actively choosing not to have children and so much more.
Personally the more I know, the more inspired I become to live my truth and extend that truth into my relationship. Living and loving outside the lines really forces us to unpack what we once knew to be true in an effort to unearth what actually holds true for ourselves. For our relationships. But maybe you’re someone who doesn’t know the ways in which your relationship might look different, you simply know something is missing. For those of you feeling that way, here’s a list that hopefully serves as a catalyst – 5 things to normalize in your romantic relationship.
I encourage you to take meat and leave the bones – meaning take what works and leave what doesn't agree with you. However, whatever you do, don’t write it off without giving it some thought.
1.Prioritizing Partnership Over Marriage
I am paraphrasing but I once read something that said: we must learn to love people for as long as we have them or for as long as it feels good for both of us. Though this may sound finite and morbid, I’ve also come to understand that we must stop forcing relationships. Marriage, like death, can be very final and the vows don’t allow much space for a change of mind. Modern marriage is led by affairs of the heart, in my opinion. Thus it doesn't speak to those who choose to be around people for as long as it feels good rather than sticking it out through thick and thin, which has come to be interpreted as sticking around through some bullshit in relationships.
I want us to realize that relationships can be recognized in so many formats and the importance of doing what works for you. Depending on circumstances, marriage may feel necessary but there are also many people who opt out of marriage and those relationships also deserve to be acknowledged and respected in their own right.
2.Keeping Friends on a Need to Know Basis
You’ve likely heard this since you were younger, but I’m going to say it again: do not tell your friends all the dirty details of your relationship. Dirty good or dirty bad! It’s far less about not trusting your friends, and more so to do with trusting your partner and maintaining both privacy and intimacy. Additionally, we’ve all had to learn the hard way how to recover from diarrhea of the mouth in our relationship. You run and tell your friend everything in a fit of drama, only to work things out with your partner – now your friends are side-eying him while you’ve got heart eyes.
If you do choose to talk to your friends about your relationships, try not to seek them out for validation regarding the way your relationship operates. For instance, if you’re in an open relationship it’s likely that many of your friends won’t be in agreement with that. However, if you’re aware that this is an enjoyable aspect of your relationship, don’t allow them to make you feel shameful for deciding to try something out of the heteronormative…norm (?).
3.Being Together While Living Separately
Though it’s generally important to take space and have a life outside of your partner – people still get ostracized and judged for making space in living arrangements. For many reasons, many couples have either stopped cohabitating altogether or in some relationships even sleep in separate rooms. Those reasons might have to do with differences in household cleanliness, sleeping habits/hours, or even attachment styles. Personally, the sharing of a bed makes separate rooms super appealing because I have a difficult time sleeping with someone else in my space. And, I’m certain sleep isn’t the type of thing you’re meant to be sacrificing in relationships.
Don’t be afraid to speak up about what it is you feel you need or try new things that could actually enhance your relationship. Admittedly, this living arrangement requires you to be intentional about initiating sex – particularly maintaining separate places of residence, but that’s a bonus if you ask me. Keeps things fresh!
4.Loving From an Authentic Place Instead of Ego
Not all relationships are meant to go the distance. Some relationships are here with a quick turnaround time and lifelong lessons. With that said, it’s important that we normalize letting go once the season has come to an end. I truly believe we all know when it’s time to let go of a relationship but we’re so ego-driven that we try to hold on. It’s ego, rather than love because love alone would allow us to realize that authentic love for both ourselves and our person means letting go and making space for something that is far more compatible than what is currently present.
5.Talking About Sex Outside of the Bedroom
Make it a habit to talk to your partner about sex! Not in the dirty talk way, but in a way that allows you to communicate what you like and don't like during sex, as well as what you did and didn’t like with past partners. What would you like to try in the future? What would you absolutely not like to try? What are some things that are necessary in order for you to feel turned on? Too many people go on to marry or commit to a relationship thinking that sexual compatibility isn’t important, when in reality it can cause quite the jolt in relationships when one partner comes out of the blue and shares they’ve been cheating because all of their needs haven’t been met – needs that had never been expressed, usually due to fear and shame.
Creating a safe space to discuss these things is a must and having deeper discussions around the type of sex you want to have needs to be normalized in relationships.
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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More Than A Meal: How Bryant & Daniella Found Love In The Kitchen
How We Metis a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
They say the best relationships start off as friendships, and Bryant aka Chef Baul, and Daniella Williams are living proof of that. The couple met on the job and from there, their relationship organically blossomed into something much more.
Now married for almost three years, the couple has grown their family and businesses, opening a brunch restaurant, Betty Sue’s, in Atlanta.
From the day they met, food has always played a role in their relationship, and working together in the food industry is what we call a full circle moment. Learn more about Bryant and Daniella’s story of finding love with one another.
How they met.
Bryant: We met at a mutual clients’ house. She was doing the lady hair, and I was cooking for the lady. The client sent her downstairs to record me while I was cooking to, I guess, see what I was cooking, and I caught her recording, but we didn't talk. I caught her recording, we laughed it off, and she went about her day.
So I guess that was the first thing that made us interact with each other. A few months down the line, I think she posted something [on social media]. I hopped in her DM and responded to it, and then we decided to just meet up and hang out. I looked at her as an entrepreneur. I'm an entrepreneur. She don’t need nothing. I don’t need nothing. It's good to hang with people who don't need nothing from you.
When we linked up, our chemistry was just so soft and just so nice. She is a great person, but after meeting up with her [for the] first time, she went back to Miami. She came back [to Atlanta], and we just kicked it off that next weekend, and ever since then, we've been locked in.
Daniella: That same client had flew me back in so I knew I had to come up here for work. But I told him that we'll meet up and [go] on a date and see each other again. When that happened, everything else was history. It just happened organically. It wasn’t forced or anything.
Bryant and Daniella Williams
Courtesy
First impressions.
Bryant: I knew for a fact for her to come downstairs and try to record me, I knew that she was brave, and that said a lot about her, because I barely even talk when I'm cooking for my clients. So you have to talk to somebody for them to feel comfortable to play with you, or do certain things. I feel like the client sent her downstairs because she knew that she's an outspoken, bubbly type of person who don't mind laughing it off if she gets caught doing it.
When she came back to Atlanta, she booked me to cook for her family. So while I was cooking for her in the kitchen, the whole time she was in there talking to me. It was like a date in the kitchen, and I cooked her food. Once the food was laid out, I just left. We had a great conversation when I was cooking for her, and also when she came downstairs and tried to record me.
Daniella: I was impressed how he was multitasking because I was asking him deep, interesting questions, and he was cooking the food, and he was still answering my questions. But I was in a relationship at that time, so I wasn't really in tune. It was no emotions. But when I came back and flew in to work, we met with each other.
He came and picked me up from the hotel and we drove around Atlanta, sightseeing. We went to the African club. So when he came downstairs, I was like okay, you not gonna hug me, you not gonna say nothing? He was shocked and we stayed together for like eight or nine hours, and he took me back to the hotel. I think he picked me up around nine at night. He took me back to the hotel around seven in the morning. Then he walked me to my hotel door. He gave me a hug and he gave me a kiss and said, 'I love you.' And I was like, what?
We stayed together for like eight or nine hours, and he took me back to the hotel. I think he picked me up around nine at night. He took me back to the hotel around seven in the morning. Then he walked me to my hotel door. He gave me a hug and he gave me a kiss and said, 'I love you.' And I was like, what?
The one.
Daniella: When we first linked up, he took me around Atlanta. He was soft and gentle. He was a gentleman. He opened the door for me and I never had nobody open the door. He opened the door every single time I was going in and getting out the car, and when we went to that restaurant. I was like, [there’s] something about him, and he was just nice, calm and patient. So I knew he was a little different from what I'm used to.
Bryant: [I knew she was the one by] how she cared so much. She didn't really know me like that. She knew of me, but she cared so much about me. When we first met, she would lay on me and just relax. For someone who just wants to relax on you, that says a lot about them towards you. It wasn't like I had to prove myself and she didn’t have to prove herself with me either. It wasn't nothing like that. We were willing to take whatever came with it. But it just was really a break. It was like the best me meeting a woman because I didn't try.
Any other woman, I might be trying to dress up, take her to this place, I did not try at all. I picked her up and I actually thought that she wasn't gonna go on the date with me because of her status and my status. I'm such a laid back homey dude and she's from Miami. I thought she would be on the City Girls, you gotta do this, do that. But she wasn't. She was the total opposite. She was a homebody, chill, like me.
Bryant and Daniella Williams
Courtesy
Marriage advice for couples.
Bryant: Work together. Communication, put your mind together.
Daniella: And keep your family out your business.
Bryant: Keep it private please. Y'all work it out first. When y'all make sure it's solidified, then you tell them, or let them find out on their own. Privacy is the most valuable thing.
Daniella: And date each other because people get married and they stop doing the things that they did to get you, or stop doing the things that they did while they were in a relationship with you, before y'all got married. No, do the same thing. For me, I get bored easy, and I think he knows that. So just keep it spicy. Keep it interesting.
Bryant: We like spontaneous stuff like last-minute trips, trying different foods, going out the country just off a spur of a moment. You gotta make it fun. Don't just make it all business. And I think one person out of the relationship needs to take the initiative to make sure their partner is relaxing and at peace. A lot of people carry functional depression to where they’re functional, like we're doing this right now, but they can be going through something.
I don't think it's male or female. I think whichever one, the other partner should notice it and work with their partner to get through whatever they get through, like, for postpartum depression and stuff. That's something that most men don't even really know exist, but that's something when she had our daughter, I had an anti-postpartum depression plan put in place for her. She didn't know about it, but I knew I was gonna be extra sweet to her.
She won't have to think about doing nothing with the little baby. My little girl was watching the football game with me, when she was a few weeks old, because I was giving her that peace, so she can just relax, because her body has been through so much. So you got to be considerate of your mate's mental state and their mental well-being, because when it's gone, it's gone and it takes a lot to get it back, so I think that's important.
When she had our daughter, I had an anti-postpartum depression plan put in place for her. She didn't know about it, but I knew I was gonna be extra sweet to her. She won't have to think about doing nothing with the little baby. My little girl was watching the football game with me, when she was a few weeks old, because I was giving her that peace, so she can just relax, because her body has been through so much.
If you see something not right with your spouse, help them get help. It's okay for them to talk to a therapist by themselves, or it's okay for them to talk to somebody, but don't just sit there and let them go into this decline and self-destruction. I think that's the most important, because sometimes she be overwhelmed, and I have to be that person to hold her up. And then sometimes I'm overwhelmed. To her, baby, I don't want to do this no more. She's like, you gonna do this. We gonna do this. And she reminds me who I am. I remind her who she is, and we come back feeling more motivated.
Daniella: I think business owners should date business owners because they understand your hustle, your hunger. They understand when you can have a day where you make $0 and you have a day when you make $1,000. But I feel like if you dating someone who is in corporate America, and you a business owner, there's going to be a lot of friction, a lot of tension, and I just feel like I want to date someone that has the same drive as me.
Because I don't want to feel like I'm trying to build a bear, build a man, and I have to pull you and drag you, or just being with somebody who got they self together. For instance, my last relationship. I won't say I was the breadwinner, but I was kind of established, and I felt like I was sleeping with the enemy. I was growing fast and I wasn't stagnant. I was trying to get to the next level. He started to be jealous of me and I feel like a lot of women deal with men trying to be jealous of them. Men also have ego issues where they don't really want their woman making a certain amount of money or making more money than them.
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