
7 Worrisome Things In Relationships...That You Really Shouldn't Worry About

Something that I grew up around were worry warts. It wasn't until I grew up and was able to create my own energy oasis that I realized how toxic that space actually was because worrying really does tend to create issues/problems that don't exist. I mean, just think about what the word means—"to torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret". What about that sounds healthy, beneficial or productive? Exactly.
As a marriage life coach, I oftentimes see people literally manifest their own drama in their relationships because they worry about things that, at the end of the day, they really shouldn't worry about—either because it's not that big of a deal or they couldn't really change it if it happened anyway. That's what I want to touch on today. If you want to keep your relationship in a good space, long-term, start by not tormenting yourself—and ultimately your partner—by choosing to have fear, anxiety and/or doubt about things that…really aren't worth it at the end of the day.
1. Titles
Titles are an interesting topic. When it comes to romantic relationships specifically, on one hand, they can help to bring about clarity. On another, if you're too consumed with them, they can create a lot of unnecessary drama. As someone who has said, many times, that I am too damn old for a boyfriend (check out "Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again"), a title isn't that big of a deal to me. What I need to know is that we're on the same page (check out "The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have"), that the page isn't a secret to those who know us, and I'm all good. Besides, titles typically only come up when folks are being introduced to other people, right? It's like the title is needed in order to validate the relationship and, trust me, if you're being treated well and right, you will automatically feel confident—both in and out of the presence of folks.
The only real caveat to this is when a man refuses to put a title on your relational dynamic when it's something that you actually long for. I know a married couple like this. While the wife claims that she and her husband were a couple for many years prior to jumping the broom, her man is adamant that nothing "official" ever transpired before they said, "I do". Hmph. That low-key sounds like, "If I say you were my girlfriend and you find out all of the dirt that I did, I can't excuse my way out of it by saying we were never a couple in the first place." SMDH.
Still, people like that tend to be the exception and not the rule when it comes to this particular point. Besides, a title means nothing if the actions aren't backing up the words. For instance, I know another guy who, when he's asked if he has a girlfriend, he sometimes says, "She might think I'm her boyfriend but I don't have a girlfriend." This ninja. So yeah, why spend a lot of time worrying about if there's a title to your situation or not? Because it has to matter as much to the person who you're in a relationship with as it does to you, anyway. Instead, focus on if your needs are being met. If they are, chill. And what if the "need" is to have a title? If so, ask yourself why. Then discuss it with your partner. You might realize that you wanted one only because it's so-called what everyone else is doing and not really because it's that big of a deal to you. Or, you might discover that you and he want different things and it's time to do some shifting because of it. Either way, you win.
2. Social Media
If any of you have been watching the current season ofReady to Love, you know that there's a two-time divorced guy on there by the name of David who said that he believes that long-term couples should give each other full password access. While I do think that a marital dynamic is different than two folks who are dating, this is still something that I've never personally desired in any kind of relationship. I mean, for what? When I think of other situations where passwords are shared, it's automatically parents and children that come to mind and it's usually because either a parent doesn't fully trust their child's online actions or they don't think that they're mature enough to handle social media without their guidance.
Adults aren't children, so what's all of the grown folks monitoring about? And if someone isn't your actual spouse, I really don't get why you should have that kind of access.
Being in an intimate relationship doesn't mean that someone has to give up their individuality or privacy. Besides, if you can't trust your partner when it comes to how they interact with people on Instagram (or they can't trust you), why are the two of you together to begin with?
Some folks cause worry to make mountains out of molehills when there shouldn't be one. That said, just because some attractive woman likes your man's page or he's friends with folks you don't know online, that doesn't mean that you need to hop into his DMs or "check" anybody. Geeze. Things grow when they have space (more on that in a sec). Not when they are being suffocated. Your partner doesn't need you monitoring them. If you disagree, the issue is probably way bigger than social media. Real talk.
3. Your Partner’s Opposite Sex Friendships
Do I think that men and women can be "just friends"? 1000 percent. I've got a few male friends—single and married—to prove it. When two people are truly platonic (check out "The Word 'Platonic' Is Sacred. Literally."), there really is nothing to worry about because a "spiritual love-based relationship" oftentimes takes on a very different kind of energy. Like me? I adore all of my male friends and they each bring something very special into my life. Yet lawd, the thought of anything sexual or romantic transpiring with any of them basically makes me want to throw up in my mouth. I'm not exaggerating. That's why I'm so over the myth that just because someone has a penis and you've got a vagina, there is an automatic temptation there—even if it's dormant—between two people. Who said?
Case in point. I just went out with a very close male friend of mine not too long ago. He is adorable and hella photogenic. And yet, we can talk about him and all of the women who want him 'til the cows come home because I can't even get my mind around us being anything more than what we are. He listens to me. I listen to him. We provide each other with a perspective that our same-sex friends are unable to provide and that's about the extent of our connection. That's all that it ever will be.
Unfortunately, some people get into relationships and think that a part of their job is to get their partner to "clean house" when it comes to their opposite sex friendships when what they're actually doing is putting an expiration date on their relationship (at least 8 times out of 10). Listen, unless "she's" hella disrespectful (check out "What If Your Guy Friend's Girlfriend Isn't Feelin' You?"), she seems to be trying to influence you man to distance himself from you or she's putting strain on him to the point where he can't take care of the other priorities in his life (none of these instances sound very "platonic" to me, by the way), who cares if he's got female friends in his life? If they were gonna be together…they would've been together. Don't create problems that don't exist, just because you've heard too many times that men and women can't be "just friends". That is absolutely not the truth.
4. Not Seeing Everything Eye to Eye
I personally think that one of the biggest mistakes people make in relationships is expecting their partner to become their clone. Shoot, worse than that, they put themselves in the position to become the "clone trainer" when no one (especially their partner) asked them to do so.
You know, a part of what comes with being emotionally intelligent in a relationship is understanding that people who are different than you are can help you to evolve in ways that folks who are similar never could. So, if you're out here worrying that you and your partner won't work out because you're not in agreement about everything under the sun, what is it that grandma used to say? You're just borrowing trouble.
How can you know if the differences are potentially problematic? That's a fair question. If you don't share similar values. If you don't have the same long-term goal(s) for the relationship. If you communicate in a toxic way. If you don't respect one another's religious and political points of view. If you don't complement one another. If any of this is going on, you shouldn't shrug it off. However, everything else? You're far better off being open-minded when it comes to why the two of you have different approaches to matters than assuming that you're doomed, just because y'all are not Bobbsey Twins. A lot of marriages end, unfortunately, because one or both spouses don't get this very point. Your partner isn't supposed to be just like you—again, they are to complement you. Oftentimes, differences are what do that because they challenge you to grow. RELAX.
5. Being on Other People’s Timetable
A couple of years back, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, "Experts Say You Should Date This Long Before Getting Married". If you're rushing and you want the bottom line answer, many relationship experts say that it shouldn't take longer than two years for two marriage-minded people (check out "One Overlooked Yet Obvious Indicator That A Man Is Husband Material") to date and at least get engaged. For the most part, I agree with that (by the way, it's also not the wisest thing to stay engaged for more than two years; engagement really should mean that you are in a period where you are planning your wedding not sitting around forever with a ring on your finger). What I will also say is this is a generalized conclusion—and each couple is different.
If you and yours live in two different cities, states or countries. If you and yours are trying to get your finances together (lawd, PLEASE get your finances together). If the both of you know that you love each other and still would like to take out some time to do some self-work (via therapy, etc.) in order to heal some issues before taking things to the next level. If there are certain things that you know would be easier for you to accomplish as a single person before getting married. If you've got kids and you want to make sure that things will "blend well"—don't let what relationship experts, your mama or your married girlfriends think deter you from what your gut instincts say is best.
It really is sad, how much a lot of us worry about things that we're really not all that worried about; it's just that people and their opinions come in and try to plant seeds of fear, confusion or doubt. So long as you and your guy are clear about your relationship short- and long-term goals and you're both working to meet them, give the clock a bit of a rest. Haste makes waste. That's not just a random saying. There is a ton of truth to it. Just ask a lot of the divorced people that you know.
6. The Need for Space
I honestly don't know anyone who doesn't want their own space from time to time. I take that back—yes, I do. Needy people. Controlling people. Insecure people. Folks with a low-key love addiction. Yet one thing that all of those individuals have in common is they typically look for their relationship to fill voids that they need to work on as individuals. So, if you're someone who knows that you kinda suffocate your partner, I say this in love when I say, "heal thyself".
While I get that sometimes there can be challenges in this area because, for instance, your primary love language may be physical touch when your partner's isn't or you enjoy spending as much time as possible with the ones you care about while your partner is cool with you only seeing each other a couple of times a week, tops, it's not fair to assume that someone who wants space is someone who doesn't care about you, isn't being on the up-and-up when it comes to what the two of you have agreed to do and not do out of each other's presence or that he can't be trusted on some levels. Right as I'm typing this, I can think of a woman who is constantly finding ways to not be out of her husband's presence. I mean physical presence, online presence—you name it. And you know what? It's taking a major toll on the relationship because while she's calling it "love", he's calling it "annoying AF" and "hella insecure".
I believe that we've all heard the saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Deeper than that, being a couple doesn't mean that someone doesn't want their own "me" time.
Encouraging your partner to have time alone. Being cool with them spending time with friends when you're not around. Not feeling like all of your free time needs to be spent together—you'd be surprised how much that can make him feel like you are secure in the relationship. And that kind of confidence is sexy as hell.
7. That It Won’t Work Out
I've got a friend who, right at this very moment, is going through the grieving process of a break-up. Something that's a bit fascinating about the situation is he basically saw red flags in the dynamic and blatantly ignored them. And so, although he knew that there was an expiration date to the relationship, he kept putting off the inevitable which led to him becoming more attached, which caused the break-up to ultimately become more painful. Still, in the midst of it all, he's seeing some personal growth and lessons that he may not have learned any other way.
My point? I don't know many people who go into relationships with a plan to end them (some folks are narcissists, users or commitment-phobes which is why I couldn't say that I don't know any). So yes, if/when the relationship comes to an end, it can be really difficult. Sometimes, even devastating. I've been there. Believe that. Yet when it comes to myself and the folks I know who've shared their relationship and break-up stories with me, only maybe 10-15 percent have a lot of regrets. The reason why is because they see that some things naturally run their course after a season, that sometimes breaking up is a pruning process that helps us to grow and/or that if they hadn't ended that relationship, they wouldn't be with the person they're with—someone who is far better for them—now.
Besides, sitting around worrying that a relationship could end could play itself out to be a form of self-sabotage because you end up bringing so much fear, negativity, confusion, testing (you know, testing someone to see how loyal or committed they are; that gets old) and/or drama to the situation that it ends up running its course—even if it wasn't supposed to.
So, STOP WORRYING. As long as you bring your best self to the relationship, that's all you can do. Let the universe handle what you can't control. If you remain in this head and heart space, you'll realize that there really isn't all that much to worry about anyway. What will be, will be—and ultimately, it will be for your better good. If not immediately…eventually. Amen.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak