

We all know how the song goes. As we move, full speed ahead into Thanksgiving and then Christmas, it's considered to be "the most wonderful time of the year" for so many. Still, if we're gonna get really real about it all, preparing for the holiday season can be one of the most stressful times of the year too; especially when it comes to married folks who are trying to proactively care for their relationship, maintain their daily lifestyle and figure out how they are gonna pull each special day off with as little drama as possible.
So, whether this is your first year as husband and wife or your 20th, I thought I would share some tips that I offer up to some of my clients whenever they find themselves looking for ways to navigate through the holiday season, so that there can literally be peace on earth (at least in your house) well through New Year's Day. That said, if there are seven things that you and yours definitely need right about now, these would be it.
1. A Budget
It's not a secret that I don't observe holidays, so that might play a role in what I'm about to say yet lawd, y'all — if there are two instances where I don't get the method in the madness behind going way over budget, it's when it comes to weddings and the holiday season. Spending hundreds or thousands more than you can afford and/or going over your credit card limit for literally just a few minutes of "oohing" and "ahhing" — is it worth it come a month later and you to figure out which bills to dodge?
I recently read that 86 percent of millennials overspent last holiday season and damn, that was during the peak of our pandemic. Meanwhile, a leading cause of divorce continues to be financial stress. Marriage can be challenging enough without choosing to do things that will only cultivate more strain. So, if you and yours don't already have a budget for this holiday season, don't you think now would be as good a time as any to put one together? Amen.
Doing things like coming up with a mutually agreed-upon limit, listing expenses beforehand, deciding to only use cash (meaning no credit cards), taking advantage of online Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales, and not waiting until the last minute (we tend to be more reckless with our spending whenever we are rushing) are just a few ways that you can pull this particular "relational benefit" off.
2. “Honesty Hour”
If one of you doesn't like each other's parents. If one of you doesn't want to do the whole "holiday scene" this year. If one of you is sick of asking for a particular item as a present, only for your spouse to do whatever they want to do anyway, this would be the time to bring it up — lovingly and gingerly, of course, but up nonetheless. While some people seem to think that internalizing real feelings is the way to go in order to "keep the peace," really all it ends up doing is delaying the time for when someone ends up snapping…BIG TIME.
One of the best things about marriage is you signed up to join your life with someone who you can be your complete and total self with — this includes when it comes to sharing your very real feelings, whether it's easy to hear or not. Besides, fake grinning through Thanksgiving or passively aggressively taking out your frustration on your partner during Christmas because you never said what you were thinking or worried about beforehand is unfair to them and your relationship. A part of what comes with love is honesty. As it relates to whatever is potentially or currently stressing you out, state your case. Also, determine to be a safe place to do the same in return. It's only right.
3. United Boundaries
A united front. Have mercy, can we get couples to have this more often? This is actually a part of the reason why I said that you and yours need to be completely honest with each other; it's because, that way, you can both share your feelings and concerns and then come up with what boundaries need to be set so that you both can feel good — or at least better — about what could cause one or both of you to be anxious or upset otherwise. If you can't stand your mother-in-law, you and your husband need to decide how long she can stay. If he doesn't want to go to every holiday work event, you and your husband need to talk about which one(s) is the most important to you. If there are new traditions that the both of you have created, ones that your family members don't care for, you need to stand firm together so that you're not gaslit or manipulated into backing down when it comes to people trying to tell you what to do in your own house.
Sometimes, the cause of aftermath contention between married couples, following the holidays, is one or both individuals feeling like the other didn't totally have their back. Chile listen, if there is one time, especially when firm boundaries need to be set and honored by both spouses, it's during the holidays. And it's so much harder to feel disrespected or overlooked when your partner stands firm with you. Make sure that you both are on the same page, OK? Excellent.
4. Time Off of the (Holiday) Grid
Let me tell it, one of the things that adds so much pressure to people during this time of the year is you've basically got 4-6 weeks to cram in so much of what you typically don't give much credence to until that window of time arrives. Then, all you're thinking about is spending money, cleaning the house, and getting your mind right for having company. And the more incessant focus that you put into something, the more anxious it can cause you to become. That's why it's always a good idea to create a weekly checklist of things that need to be taken care of in preparation for each holiday.
Also, make sure to schedule in some time when you and your spouse are doing anything and everything but talking about or paying for holiday-related stuff. Whenever I'm talking to engaged couples, I tell them the same thing about weddings. Special occasions should always be seen as a part of your world…never all of it.
5. Steal Away Moments
Something that I oftentimes recommend to couples who have kids is, if they are hosting family members in their home, they need to take advantage of that and either go on a date one night or even book a hotel room so that they can get some (I'm pretty sure) much-needed quality time in.
Listen, whether you adore or can't stand some of your (or his) relatives, I'm pretty sure a common ground that everyone has is love for your children. You can get a break from all parties involved by having them watch the kids so that you and yours can hang on, veg out or sex it all the way up.
6. Your Own Traditions
I know some married people who spend Christmas alone at home and then travel to see family the day after. I know some married people who don't observe Thanksgiving at all (because I agree with them that it is pretty Columbus Day 2.0 if you catch my drift) and instead hang out with family members on Black Friday. I know some married people who don't do the gift thing and give to those in need instead.
The bottom line here is, one of the many cool things about being married and having your own home is, you can have the biggest turkey or not one at all. You can have the biggest Christmas tree or not one at all. You can act like you are Christmas-on-crack or not observe at all. You can do gift exchanges on Christmas Day, Christmas Eve, or heck, New Year's Eve or New Year's Day if you want, or nix gift-giving altogether. And you know what? The more you settle into the fact that you have the power to do the holidays however you want and that the only way you can really be "peer pressured" into following other people's traditions is if you allow that to happen, the more you can actually get excited around this time of year because so much of how you approach it is totally within your control.
7. Flexibility
Actor Jane Krakowski once said, "You can have a plan, but you have to be flexible. Every day is unpredictable, and you just have to go with the flow." Every day is unpredictable. Whew, can you just imagine how many marriages could be saved if folks stopped being so stuck on how they wish things would go and instead learned to adapt to how things are going?
If there's a common key to the success and longevity of serious relationships, it's the ability to compromise and you can't do that if you aren't a flexible person. Sure, making plans is fine. All I'm saying is, touch base with your spouse from time to time, just to make sure that both of you have resigned to control what you can control and then to kind of chill out and go with the flow beyond that.
Because no matter what, the holiday season is gonna happen and it's going to come and go, just like every other year. Being willing to adapt to shifts and changes can make the time so much easier — on you personally and on your relationship. Happy Holidays, y'all.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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You’ve Got Several Sex Hormones. These Tips Will Help Make Them (& Your Sex Life) Stronger.
It’s been said that since, shoot, forever, that the brain is the biggest sex organ that we have — and to a large extent, I would agree. That’s why, whenever I tackle sex issues on this platform, it’s more as it relates to emotional connectedness, effective communication, and clearly articulating one’s needs.
That’s not to say that articles like this one aren’t, in some ways, equally as necessary too because sometimes — sometimes, there is absolutely nothing “wrong” with your relationship and still, when you think about having sex with your partner…you’re just not as “into the idea” as you usually are.
And what that could mean is there is something going on physically instead of mentally or emotionally. For example, it could be an indication that one or more of your sex hormones are a bit “off” and you need to get them back where they need to be.
That’s the purpose and goal of today’s offering. We’re going to explore how five hormones in your system play a direct role in you having a satisfying sex life, then we’re going to touch on some signs that yours may be low and what you can do about them, at home (although if these don’t work, please see your doctor), if that is indeed the case.
Ready to physically feel like having (more) sex? Awesome.
1. Estrogen
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Although estrogen is found in both men and women, there is a lot more of it in women. And since drops in estrogen can lead to things like a lower sex drive as well as experiencing challenges when it comes to having orgasms, it’s important to do as much as you can to keep your estrogen levels where they need to be at all times.
So, what aresome key indications that your estrogen levels are low? If you have super dry skin; your vagina is dry; you’re storing up more belly fat; your periods are irregular; you’re tired a lot; your sleep patterns are erratic, and/or your libido is low.
And what can you do to get your estrogen levels back on track?
Eat foods that are considered to be phytoestrogens. Phytoestrogens are considered to be plant-based sources of estrogen that could help to get your levels up. Those foods include flaxseeds, peaches, berries, sesame seeds, and cruciferous vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, and collards).
Take Vitamin B-Complex. The reason why it’s important to have vitamin B consistently in your system is because it plays a significant role in how your body creates estrogen. So, if you’re not currently taking a B-complex vitamin, this is as good of a time as any.
Look into Black Cohosh. If you’re someone who likes to take supplements, do some research on black cohosh. It has a pretty good reputation when it comes to elevating estrogen levels.
Drink some black tea. Are you a tea lover? If so, it can’t hurt to sip on some black tea. Although research is still ongoing, there are findings that state that some of the properties in black tea will help to elevate estrogen levels.
Live in moderation. Now this might be your “something new” for the day. Were you aware of the fact that estrogen levels actually increase in body fat? In fact,being underweightis what can decrease your estrogen. While we’re here, exercising too much can jack up your estrogen levels as well. Moral to the story with this one: stay at a healthy weight and don’t overdo it on the workout tip. When it comes to keeping your estrogen levels where they need to be, balance is key.
2. Testosterone
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Testosterone is a hormone that stimulates sexual desire in both menand women, although there is significantly more of it in men.The reason why women need it in their system is not only does it increase their libido, but it also helps to give them energy, to stay in a good mood, and it can also help to make conceiving easier.
How can you know that your testosterone levels could use a boost? If you have an irregular cycle, you’re having trouble conceiving a child; you’re low on energy; your hair is thinning; you’re losing muscle tone; you have trouble sleeping, and/or you have no real interest in sex.
If you happen to notice any of these signs, what can you do to get your testosterone levels up?
Exercise. One way to increase your testosterone levels is to exercise; however, as a woman, the key is to do things like resistance training and High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT). Both of those have the reputation for raising testosterone levels; in women, especially.
Consume more zinc. Although it’s been said for years that zinc deficiencies are directly tied to erectile dysfunction in men, there are also studies that say that many women who are postmenopausal are also low in zinc. In both cases, zinc is needed because it helps to keep hormones in balance. So, if you sense that you may be low in testosterone, perhaps take a zinc supplement or eat foods that are high in zinc, like beef, lamb, pumpkin seeds, whole grains, and eggs.
Drink less alcohol. Even though alcohol can make you feel horny for a moment, the reality is if you drink too much of it, it can actually cause your testosterone levels to tank. Bottom line with this one, pace yourself with your cocktails — especially if you already know that your testosterone levels aren’t where they should be.
Go outside. Did you know that there is a correlation between vitamin D deficiencies and pregnancy issues like preeclampsia and a baby’s low birth weight? There are also studies that indicate that when a woman is receiving a daily dose of vitamin D, her testosterone levels tend to remain strong. That said, one way to get vitamin D into your system is to take a supplement or to eat foods that are rich in them. Another is to consume foods that contain vitamin D, like salmon, tuna, and mushrooms. Still another is to spend more time outside. Definitely one of the best ways to get some “D” into you is to be in the presence of the sun. In fact, as an extra bonus, the ultraviolet radiation that comes from the sun can boost the libido of both men and women. The more you know.
Watch your stress. Two things that aren’t the best of friends are testosterone and cortisol (the hormone that creates your natural stress response). This is so much the case that when your cortisol levels are high, that can hinder your system from producing all of the testosterone that it needs. So, you know what that means, right? CHILL. OUT.
3. Progesterone
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Progesterone is what helps to keep your libido regulated. Since it also plays a pivotal role in a woman’s menstrual cycle and how her hormones respond throughout the month, women who are in the latter stages of perimenopause or who are postmenopausal should also keep their progesterone levels up in order to maintain a consistent sex life.
Signs that you need more progesterone? Trouble sleeping. Irregular cycles. Bloating. Erratic moods. Headaches.
Things that can help bring some relief to these issues?
Meditate. From what I’veread and (briefly) researched, cortisol has the ability to block your progesterone receptors, which means that it can decrease them if you are too stressed out. And that is why one way that you can boost your progesterone levels is to meditate.Since meditation can reduce anxiety, lower stress, and help you to sleep better, I’m sure you get how it can work to get your progesterone levels where they need to be.
Take Vitamin C. If you are low in vitamin C, it could impact your progesterone levels in a negative way. That’s becausevitamin C is a nutrient that actually stimulates the production of progesterone. So, if you want to get more of it into your system, take a vitamin C supplement, drink some orange juice, and/or eatvitamin C-enriched foods like cantaloupe, parsley, strawberries, papaya, and chili peppers.
Implement chasteberry tea. An herbal tea that I personally think every woman should have in her possession ischasteberry tea. Not only does it do things like reduce inflammation, bring relief to PMS symptoms, and help to improve infertility, it also helps to balance out your hormones and, yes, increase progesterone levels.
Hang out with friends. When it comes to raising progesterone levels, something that I found to be fascinating is that there are studies that say that when women hang out with each other, that can give their progesterone levels a boost. The methodology is that it reduces stress and anxiety and makes people feel more comfortable, to the point where it helps to balance out that particular hormone. Pretty cool, right?
Get on a sleep schedule. Not getting a consistent amount (preferably 6-8 hours) of rest can definitelythrow your hormones off, including your progesterone levels. That’s a big part of the reason why I once wrote “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand.” Check it out when you get a chance.
4. Oxytocin
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Oxytocin has the reputation for being called the “love hormone.” That’s because it’s a hormone (and neuropeptide, which is a protein-like molecule) that “activates” during physical activities like kissing, cuddling, andsex.
And what are some telling signs that you are low on this particular hormone?You may feel a bit depressed;you may feel more anxious; you may notice that you don’t want to communicate and/or be affectionate with others; you may have less of an interest in sex, and/or it may be harder for you to orgasm.
Are there also things that you can do to increase your oxytocin levels on your own? Yep.
Get into some music. If you’re not in the mood for sex but you want to be, treat yourself to a long shower — and then sing in it. Believe it or not, some studies say thatsinging for 30 minutes can increase your oxytocin because it helps you to feel connected and relaxed (so can listening to music).
Hug someone. There is data all over the place that says that oxytocin is stimulated through the power of touch. That’s a part of the reason why it’s known as the “cuddle hormone.” So, just like you can get an oxytocin boost by kissing or cuddling with your partner, hugging a friend can also take your oxytocin levels up a few notches as well.
Get a massage. Sooo…when’s the last time you got a massage (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”)? Take this as a sign that today would be a great day to book an appointment. As far as your oxytocin levels go, it’s another way that touch can come into effect while reducing stress and inflammation. And don’t get me started on where your oxytocin levels will go if your partner starts rubbing on some of your pressure points. Feel me?
Spend quality time with your bae. Speaking of partners, there are studies that also say that oxytocin levels are high when new relationships start. A part of the reason why is that there is so much intentional quality time that’s being spent, which is also good for your oxytocin levels. So, if it’s been a minute since the two of you have been on a date, plan one. Check out “10 Cheap Date Ideas For Couples On A Budget,” “15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language,” “10 Romantic Dates You Can Go On (In Your Own Home)” and “Dinner & A Movie Is So…“Meh.” Here Are Some Creative Takes On V-Day Dates.” for some inspiration.
Have sex. As far as physical intimacy goes, it doesn’t get any closer than sex — and here’s the thing: the more orgasms you have, the more oxytocin your body is able to produce. So, if you want more oxytocin and you’re not having (more) sex (and orgasms), that’s actually working against you… especially as far as this particular hormone goes.
5. Dopamine
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Dopamine is a hormone and a neurotransmitter that plays a role in sexual desire and pleasure.For men, it can help them to achieve and maintain an erection;for women, it can help them to orgasm (more easily).
Some indications that you may need more dopamine in your system are if you find yourself lacking drive and motivation, you struggle with concentrating, you’re moody, sleep is a struggle for you, and/or you don’t find things that you used to enjoy being very fun (including sex).
Luckily, there are things that you can even do to level out your dopamine:
Consume more protein. There is an amino acid called tyrosine that helps your body to process dopamine. That’s why it’s a good idea to make sure that protein is a part of your diet. Although you can get it from meat, there are other foods that are packed with protein as well. “Vegetarian Or Vegan? Check Out These High Protein Foods.” has a few ideas for you to consider.
Eat less saturated fat. Speaking of your diet, it’s also wise to eat less saturated fat. That’s because there are studies that say that too much of that kind of fat in your system can mess with how your brain processes dopamine. For the record, saturated fats include dairy, fried foods, and coconut oil.
Maintain a healthy gut. It has been stated that more than 50 percent of the dopamine that’s in your body is synthesized in your gut. This means that you need to be hypervigilant in making sure that your gut remains as healthy as possible. Check out “80% Of Your Immunity Is In Your Gut. Take Care Of It Like This.” for tips on how to do just that.
Take a probiotic. Speaking of maintaining a healthy gut, it’s going to be so much easier for you to do it if you take a probiotic. Plus, probiotics are known for producing the kind of “good bacteria” that makes it easy for your gut to release dopamine.
Try some oregano oil. A supplement that is full of antioxidants and may possibly boost dopamine in your body is oregano oil. Since it also helps to keep your gut healthy — hey, why not give it a shot?
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As you can see, there are so many factors that go into having a happy, healthy, and fulfilling sex life. Now that you know more about what to do for your sex-related hormones, hopefully, you can get more of what you’re looking for in your sexual experiences.
Amen? I’m saying, sis.
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