I don't know about you, but for me, this year was heavy.
It was my first year as a single mother of two daughters, and the first year I had to accept and define myself outside of being a wife or in a relationship. The burdens I've had to carry – the anxiety of not knowing if I was going to be able to pay all the bills sometimes, the shame of wondering if I was being a good example for my daughters, and the depression that hangs along with it all, weighed on me to the point of exhaustion. But here I am at the end of the year – I made it. You made it. Through our darkest days, we got through – sometimes day by day, other times minute by minute. And that is something to be celebrated. Some people may say it isn't, because it's part of the process; however, I can personally say that I am celebrating my experience of succeeding at getting through this year and I hope you are doing the same.
That being said, in the new year, I don't want to just survive. I don't want to just get through the year. I want to power through it.
I want to begin to live life, and specifically the one I've dreamt about during the darkest nights I went through. I believe that I can be a better woman and mother when I can show my daughters the example of a woman who is either fulfilled, or at least on the road to fulfillment. In that spirit, I want to share with you some things that I am taking into the new year and some things I'm leaving behind.
Take: Selfishness as the new self-care.
We live in a world where women who sacrifice and suffer should be celebrated while women who chase their dreams are selfish or foolish. Ultimately, though, self-love and self-care is realizing that even if it IS selfish, sometimes it is ok to be that. I've heard women talk about being selfish when it comes to their men, not wanting to share their attention with anyone else; however, when is the last time we were selfish with ourselves? When is the last time we prioritized ourselves? If you aren't nourishing your soul, your self, your core, then you are not operating authentically – in layman's terms, you're not keeping it real. What's real is that we have to be there for ourselves before we can put on the cape and be a shero for anyone else. So be selfish. Take time for you first before you give it to anyone else.
Leave: The need for a warm body in your bed and external love to survive.
There are so many women, including myself, who have thought that their definition of completeness is wrapped up in having a partner, or a warm body in your bed. Don't get me wrong, it's definitely a nice thing to have; however, it is not the end all be all in life. This type of thought breeds codependency, which makes your happiness dependent upon somebody other than you. Like Warsan Shire wrote, "You can't make a home out of a human being."
You have to be your own home. Learn to love your solitude. Learn to wrap yourself up in the comfort of your own self – in doing so, if a worthy partner (not a convenient one) comes along, then you are complete and ready to be complemented – not completed – by them.
Take: Your dreams and make at least one a reality.
As heavy as this year was for me, it opened up the opportunity for me to write again and, for the first time, be published. That has given me the confidence to acknowledge other dreams I have – a book, a blog, a podcast, etc. I'm leaning towards the podcast, just because it gives me the opportunity to reach more people on topics that are meaningful to me. But I want to implore to you – your dreams matter. Your space in this world matters. Your wants, dreams, and desires MATTER. If nobody has told you that, let me be the first. No matter what your dreams consist of, they are there for a reason. Indulge them. Allow yourself to dream about the possibilities that would come along with you living your dreams and not continuing to defer them for the sake of things that do not fulfill you.
Leave: The haters, doubters, and detractors.
You have the right to love your life. And you have the right to define what loving your life means to you. There will be people in your life who will try to redefine that for you – do not allow them. There are some people who want the best for you and are cautiously optimistic of the dreams you have. But there are also those who are naturally pessimistic and want to keep you down so they don't feel left behind. Don't allow that. They cannot live your life for you. As morbid as it sounds, when you die, you will only be with yourself. So that being said, if you don't take of yourself, what will you be left with at the end of the journey? If you take the path that others have outlined for you, you will come to the end of your journey and realize, this is what I have? This is the life I lived? Don't reach the end of your road with those regrets, love. Leave those dissenting voices back and let your voice be the one that resounds in your ears as you press forward with the life you know in your heart you should be living.
At the end of the day, allow yourself to indulge and invest in YOU before anyone else.
When you do that, you will be on the road to your spiritual recovery and rejuvenation and one day will be able to say that you lived the life you wanted to live, by your own terms, and you will have no regrets. Isn't that, ultimately, the goal? What other people think about you is not your business. What you think about you, is.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
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Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
As we coast through the final months of 2024, the ’90s revival shows no sign of slowing down. 21st-century social media platforms such as Instagram, TikTok, and Pinterest have made it easier than ever to replicate elements of our favorite ’90s bombshells. Reliving the stylistic contributions of Black women during the era of dramatic eyes, neutral lips, and voluminous, bouncy blowouts has been instrumental in the latest "clean girl aesthetic" trend.
Along with hair and makeup influences, ’90s style icons have also made their way back to high fashion runways with the resurgence of supermodels such as Naomi Campbell and Tyra Banks, while designer brands such as Gap and Calvin Klein have featured nostalgic campaign references. Follow along as we break down elements of the quintessential ’90s bombshell and how to implement the timeless elements into your everyday looks.
The Elements of Being '90s Fine: Makeup
‘90s supermodel glam will never go out of style.
From Naomi's statement lip to Iman’s fresh, flawless skin and Tyra Banks’ striking statement eye, decades later, ‘90s glam continues to make its way onto mood boards and TikTok feeds as inspiration. The allure of less is more finally made its way through the mainstream after the heavy blush and neon color craze of the ‘80s.
Tyra Banks in 1999
Steve Azzara/Corbis via Getty Images
Makeup evolved into fresh, lightweight skin, with more subtle but impactful lined lips, thin brows, frosted colors, and a wearable playfulness that makeup prior to this time didn’t have,” celebrity makeup artist Taylour Chanel told Vogue of the era. Black makeup artists such as Sam Fine and Pat McGrath were the artists leading the memorable makeup trends that graced countless designer runways, campaigns, and makeup covers.
British top model Naomi Campbell in the '90s.
Mick Hutson/Redferns
Balancing bold and natural, there was an emphasis on defining features such as sculpted cheeks, and neutral lined lips, along with enhancing eye shapes while adding a touch of drama with shimmery frosted eyeshadows and dark-hued or neutral lips.
The Elements of Being '90s Fine: Hair
Throughout the ‘90s there were a variety of hairstyles that dominated the decade, but much like fashion, hair trends eventually ease their way back into mainstream culture. Many are on the rise yet again because they're fun, chic, low maintenance, and some are even staples for protecting your natural hair.
‘90s R&B divas such as Brandy’s signature micro braids, Sade’s sleek ponytail, and Lauryn Hill embracing her beautiful locs are examples of timeless beauty that have endured throughout the years.
Portrait of R&B singer Lauryn Hill in 1998.
Anthony Barboza/Getty Images
While there were many beautiful hairstyles in the ‘90s, the iconic pixie cut was a stand-out signature style that was equal parts tough and sexy. Famously worn by Nia Long, Halle Berry, and Toni Braxton, these women made short hair the thing to have in the ‘90s.
Toni Braxton in 1994
Vinnie Zuffante/Getty Images
As of late, blowouts with voluminous curls complimented with a dramatic side part have been one of the most influential hairstyles making their way back to our For You Pages. Songstress Aaliyah, along with iconic Black actresses such as Angela Bassett, Lynn Whitfield, Robin Givens, and Tisha Campbell, have been famous for the body and fullness of their hair.
The Elements of Being '90s Fine: Nails
Before nail art became adopted into mainstream culture, Black women pioneered the long nail trend, which continues in the modern day. Long abstract nails were seen on Olympic gold medalist Flo Jo in the ‘80s and soon adopted by hip-hop legends such as Lil Kim and Foxy Brown and R&B divas Mary J. Blige and SWV's lead vocalist Coko as they paved the way for decorated square-shaped curved nails in bold, colorful shades, adding jewels and gems for extra flair.
Mary J. Blige backstage at the Fox Billboard Awards in 1994.
Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic, Inc
Today, you don’t even need a salon to achieve this look. With the ease of press-on nails and the invention of Gel-X, this ‘90s nail trend can be achieved through a variety of methods.
While abstract art was thriving in ‘90s culture, there was also the conservative It girl who preferred sheer nude polishes with a subtle shine finish, Ferrari red monotone sets, and the classic French manicure tips.
The Elements of Being '90s Fine: The Fashion
Black media and entertainment television played a vital role in showcasing the diverse fashion trends of the ’90s, bringing unique styles into the mainstream and setting the tone for cultural expression. Iconic Black films and television shows introduced us to characters whose style we still admire, capturing the essence of the era through vibrant and memorable fashion moments. Music artists were equally influential, creating some of the decade’s most iconic style statements.
Together, these cinematic and musical representations of ’90s culture cemented a lasting legacy in fashion, embodying creativity, identity, and self-expression that remains relevant today.
In 2024, '90s fashion trends are re-emerging with a focus on classic silhouettes and minimalist aesthetics, offering a breath of fresh air to modern wardrobes. Inspired by iconic entertainers like Janet Jackson, whose edgy style influenced streetwear, and Halle Berry, whose elegance and poise redefined red carpets, the aesthetic remained effortlessly sexy for both day and night.
Halle Berry attending the MTV Movie Awards in 1993.
Vinnie Zuffante/Getty Images
Key pieces like low-rise jeans, crop tops, chokers, and slip dresses define laid-back yet stylish looks reminiscent of Aaliyah's iconic tomboy-chic vibe and Naomi Campbell's runway glamour. Tailored suits, sheer tights, and playful skirts also took center stage, capturing the chic, feminine flair of '90s fashion with a conservative yet bold aesthetic.
Janet Jackson at the album release party for 'The Velvet Rope' in 1997.
SGranitz/WireImage
While the unforgettable sitcoms, movies, and red-carpet moments of the decade continue to influence today’s high-fashion aesthetics, this revival captures the era’s signature ease and allure, reimagined for a new generation.
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