An acquaintance and I went for lunch the other day. We did the usual banter and bullshit, and then the convo became a vent session where she shared that she felt she should be further along in her journey. While discussing her pain points, my journey was mentioned as a subtle comparison. Comparison isn't the thief of joy -- it kills the thing.
I did my best to encourage her, share a few resources and remind her that everything isn't as it seems. Building my personal brand has been a long time coming, but I can't be expected to post every missed shot, and all of the failures that led to this moment. When you're looking at the tip of the iceberg, you really have no idea how much of it you don't see.
If we choose to envy our sisters instead of seeing their own successes as inspiration, we all lose.
I identified with my IG friend's current state of mind all too well, before I had the epiphanies that introduced me to purpose. She was in a space of giving too much time and attention to people that didn't believe in her and questioned her abilities. I empathized with her because I know that our feeds, the comments and the smoke and mirrors can blind us to the greatness that lies within, but between you and me - she's really freaking dope. Chances are, you are too.
Here are 3 reasons you feel envy where you should feel inspired:
1. You haven’t discovered your own purpose.
Getty Images
It can be difficult to hear your bestie gush over her new promotion at work when you've been floating between meaningless desk jobs for the past 12 months. You hear the little voice in your head telling you that you should be happy for her, but the words never come out that way. You purposely scroll past her New Job posts on social media because showing her love would mean that you're only getting further from your own purpose...no? If that sounds a little crazy to you - it should.
Learning to be happy for others in their season of winning can do the complete opposite. The energy you exude while embodying those negative feelings will never attract happiness. Instead of being miserable in a corner, you could see the seed of opportunity and ask her how she got there. As friends are supposed to support each other, she may let you know of an opening you could take advantage of, etc.
Spend time with yourself (an energy cleanse of sorts) and allow yourself to find what it is you truly love. Being upset with others because you haven't tapped into your potential is not the answer. Your purpose isn't always tied to your profession. Your happy could be found teaching art therapy classes at an old folks' home. Whatever it is, your sister's purpose has nothing to do with yours but your attitude towards it may be postponing you finding your own.
2. You have too many people in your ear convincing you that winning is a myth.
Getty Images
Let's be honest -- you wanted to have a career as a beauty influencer too. Someone along the way got in your ear and convinced you that it was all a lie. Someone you valued shit on your dreams and you accepted their limited perception as truth.
Just because it didn't happen for you doesn't mean it's impossible. Just because it hasn't happened for you YET doesn't mean that it's impossible. When I changed my environments to get close to the winning team, I realized just how small I was actually living. I was able to see that it really was possible to turn one's annual salary into a month's income. I was able to see that one really could travel the world and get paid to do it just by being themselves (amongst other things).
I learned to spend less time with the people that convince me my dreams are too big lest I adopt their paradigms. I've brainwashed myself to believe that winning is the only option. We think/act and operate on the level of our perspective. Be mindful of the perspectives you adopt.
3. You aren’t busy enough with your own life.
Getty Images
This new Screen Time feature on the iPhone put into perspective how much time I spent on my phone per day on average. Sadly, I must admit to spending five hours on the device itself daily, and half of that is social media. I'm a content creator so I have a legitimate excuse but that's almost 20 hours a week of keeping up with the Joneses. I'm a mommy, have a full-time hairstyling business, am a part-time writer/ghostwriter and STILL somehow find the time to mind other people's business via the gram.
What prevents me from getting caught up in the whirlwind of social media is being present in the activities I enjoy outside of scrolling. When I am with my hair clients, we talk about their new jobs, pregnancies, boyfriend drama, etc. And my phone stays in my hair drawer until I'm done and ready to take pics. When I'm mommy-ing, I get my son in the kitchen for a little entertainment. When I'm writing, my phone is on Airplane mode with an instrumental playlist in the background.
You need to live a life so full that you no longer have the capacity to play the comparison game.
I don't live a reality TV-worthy life but shit, it's mine and I love it. And because I love it, deeply, I can meet another on her best life journey with a genuine, "Yassss, girl yasssss."
Can we make celebrating our sisters even when we're in the trenches our new hashtag goals?
Featured image by Getty Images
- These Are The 8 Friends You Need To Be Happy In Life - Barking ... ›
- How To Change Your Attitude When You Can't Change Your Situation ›
- How To Deal With Friends Who Aren't Happy For You ›
- Make the Friends Happy. Don't Have a Wedding Party. - The New ... ›
- How To Let Go Of The Friends Who Aren't Actually Happy For You ›
- How to Be Happy for Your Friends When You're Jealous ›
- How to Handle an Unsupportive Friend ›
- When Your Friend's Happy News Fills You with Envy Instead of Joy ›
- When You Can't Be Happy For a Friend | Psychology Today ›
RELATED
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
Hopefully, that will already take some of the pressure off so that you can enjoy some of your favorite dishes with a bit of ease. At the same time, though, if you want to make sure that you walk into 2025 with as little “extra” as possible, here are some proven holiday eating tips that will help you do it.
How To Enjoy Holiday Meals Without Guilt
1. Enjoy the “Fun Stuff” Earlier in the Day
GiphyC’mon. Let’s not sit here and act like “the fun stuff” isn’t made of mostly carbs because carbs consist of things like starches, dairy, and fruit. And, while we’re here, let’s also not lie to ourselves and pretend that we’re gonna deny ourselves some of the richest dishes and desserts that the holiday season has to offer.
The key to holiday indulgence without guilt is to consume them earlier in the day. That’s when you tend to be more active, your metabolism is higher, and you are better able to digest your food properly. That said, no one told you that you have to go without a slice of sweet potato (or pumpkin) pie — just don’t have three slices at midnight, is all.
2. Sniff Some Mint
GiphyIf self-control is something that you know that you struggle with, here’s a hack that can take some of the stress and pressure off. According to science, if you sniff a bit of essential oil, such as peppermint or spearmint, it can actually help to suppress your appetite naturally. And since mint essential oil can also help with any potential digestion issues that you may have while sitting at your mother's, aunt's, or grandma’s table, that’s even more of a reason to keep some in tow.
3. Have a Glass of Water for One Glass of…Whatever Else
GiphyI once read an article that said that the most fattening drinks of all time include eggnog, hot chocolate, and mulled wine. Well, hell, just bring us down when it comes to all of the delicious holiday-themed drinks, why don’t you? SMDH. Not to mention that pretty much all alcoholic drinks can pack on the calories, too. A trick? Drink a glass of water for every glass of whatever else you plan on throwing back.
It will help to fill your stomach up (so that you don’t overdo it as far as drinks are concerned), make the digestion process easier, keep you hydrated (because alcohol can lead to dehydration), and make it easier for you to sleep once you’re ready to turn in for the evening.
4. Eat Something Healthy Before You Go (Elsewhere)
GiphyIf you already know that you’re going to be eating some food that’s not the healthiest at someone else’s house, try and have a healthy snack before you head out. For one thing, if you’re not starving when you walk through someone else’s door, you won’t just eat everything in sight. Plus, if you consume foods like nuts, seeds, eggs, chickpeas, or even a cup of coffee or some tea, they will help boost your metabolism so that you’ll be able to burn calories quicker and easier later on.
5. Portion Control, Please
GiphyYou really don’t have to deny yourself the foods that bring you joy around this time of year. The key is to implement some form of portion control. You can do this by putting your food onto smaller plates (or eating out of a bowl), using your hands to measure your portions, and not eating “junk food snacks” from a bag or box. For instance, if you’re eating caramel popcorn straight out of a bag, it’s so much easier to consume the entire bag while watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade or A Christmas Story. Instead, put some into a small bowl, so that you can still have some without going overboard.
6. Focus on Protein-Rich Meals
GiphyA part of the reason why many people who regularly exercise consume things like protein shakes is because it’s been proven that protein helps to do things like satisfy your appetite, lower your body fat, and help you to feel full for a longer period of time. So, as you’re trying to figure out what to indulge in the most, don’t feel bad about having a turkey leg or some potato casserole. Foods high in protein tend to work for you more than they do “against” you.
7. Consume Fibrous Snacks
GiphyAside from the fact that fiber is able to do things like lower your type 2 diabetes and cancer risk and help you eliminate waste more fully and consistently, it’s also beneficial when it comes to controlling your weight and keeping your gut in tip-top shape. And when it comes to what we’re talking about today, fiber can also help you to feel full for a longer period of time, so that you don’t eat more than you want to or should.
So, if you are taking a break from eating before heading towards the dessert table, snack on some popcorn, an apple, a banana, or even some hummus or guacamole with some kale chips. All of these foods are full of fiber, tasty, and will help you to keep your sweet (and carbs) tooth under control.
8. Don’t Take a Break from Exercising
GiphyListen, just because you may be taking a few days off around the holidays, that doesn’t mean that you should go on a vacation as far as your workout routine goes. Indeed, if you want to either lose weight or keep from gaining back the weight that you’ve already lost, many experts say that you need to devote 300 minutes a week to exercise.
And since your body doesn’t know when Thanksgiving and Christmas fall on the calendar, well…stay on that treadmill, stair climber, or whatever is your workout of choice. Oh, and if you’re traveling, at least try to do some lunges and squats or take a walk around the neighborhood after dinner.
9. Avoid Stressing Yourself Out
GiphyAlthough most people say that their stress level increases during the holiday season, around 41 percent claim that it’s higher during this time of the year than any other. When it comes to weight gain, this isn’t something to ignore because stress has the ability to throw your hormone levels off which can lead to high blood sugar levels that can cause you to eat more and pack on more pounds. You know what this means, right? Whatever — or whoever — tends to stress you out around this time of the year? SET. SOME. BOUNDARIES. Your waistline depends on it.
10. Get a Good Night’s Rest
GiphyHoliday parties. Road trips. Staying up all night to wrap presents. Talking to (or arguing with) relatives for hours on end. All of these things, understandably, can lead to a lack of sleep. Just keep in mind that when you are sleep-deprived, you throw your hormones off, increase your appetite, tempt you to eat more, and make it easier for your body to store up abdominal fat. So, at least try to get 5-6 hours in during the holidays. Your metabolism — and health overall — will be so glad that you did. Happy holiday eating, everyone! Literally.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by da-kuk/Getty Images