Many of us have heard the refrain “If he wanted to, he would” in response to relationship troubles with seemingly withholding men. It’s a phrase that says, “he’s just not into you.” But what if there’s a little more to the story? Though it’s certainly still a sign to move on, it does point to a missed conversation about the treatment of women.
"He does neglectful or bad things to you because he doesn't like you" ignores everything we've learned about abuse, control, trauma, and intimate partner violence. People's level of interest is not directly correlative to the treatment of their partners. It's actually a reflection of their inner state. In a world where misogyny exists, the increasingly poor treatment of women is not a coincidence or evidence of desire.
It is an expression of belief about how you engage the feminine. In the context of misogyny, how others engage women is often about power.
"If he wanted to, he would."
This is certainly true, but who is speaking to the broader culture and trend of neglectful men? What happens when men never seem to “want to” as a means of normalized engagement?
Are there benefits to men for not “wanting to,” such as creating a dating culture where they have to do less work?
Did it ever occur to you that, in many cases, he may actually be grooming you for cycles of abuse using “pick-up tactics” and/or it is his own fear that keeps his heart small? That many men are taught to continuously deliver low so that the bare minimum feels very big? That cold selfishness is taught to men in capitalist society as a means of survival and identity? That the denial of your own heart's desire is on purpose? That it's not about want, but fear and control? That many men are only taught to relate to women by withholding?
We’ve all been there, men who make us jump through rings of fire for extremely “mid” or even abusive relationships.
Most of us have experienced partners who refuse to acknowledge our needs and humanity because it keeps us small and them in control. Even in cases where carelessness is not intentional, society rewards men for careless behavior. Instead of sanctioning that behavior as undesirable, we label the women as “not desirable enough” to elicit care from a man. Instead of collectively raising the bar of poor behavior and communally calling men to task who exhibit poor behavior, we place the burden of desire on women.
This is not an isolated experience. Men everywhere seem to have collectively created a standard of lack.
Women increase our level of care, hoping that it will eventually lead to better treatment and intimacy while withholding men rest and dangle an emotional carrot on a stick.
They benefit, while women are pressured to constantly perform desirability to men’s tastes because it’s linked to our humanity, survival, and the care we receive. Then it’s taken for granted that for some women, those deemed beneath the patriarchal valuation of “worthy,” men rarely ever seem to “want to.”
Tiered kindness in dating treatment is a method of control.
It says that some people are more worthy of care, depending on how much they inspire our desire. It says that others are merely for our pleasure and therefore deserving of a denial of resources while we engage them. Those with more societal power can pull back positive treatment at their own whims and give it to those they deem “worthy,” as opposed to honoring women they engage as a value system. (Even when those women fall outside the realm of their “desire.”)
Practicing a system of care as a broader social value means that it can no longer be apportioned according to the ever-changing whims of men and their patriarchal standards. Poor or careless treatment is often used to damage a woman’s self-esteem so that her partner can remain in control and not have to show up entirely. Sometimes, the carelessness is the point. It’s an entry point into manipulation by manufacturing desperation and establishing a low bar. It’s a way of re-establishing and reinforcing existing power dynamics and reminding women of “place.”
A partner who has been careless with others is not in the practice of love, so where one suffers, all do.
This practice rarely springs up for the “right woman” in a way that is sustainable over a long period. Selfishness towards anyone you date will appear elsewhere because "liking" people is something that fluctuates. We can make the mistake of thinking we are above the dangers of misogynist dating culture because we are too smart, pretty, or societally celebrated, but this is ultimately a house built on sand and others’ ever-shifting desires.
Where systems of care as cultural norms are absent, all eventually suffer.
We are often all too quick to blame women for whatever happens to us in the space of our innocence and learning. Not "liking" someone isn't an excuse to treat people poorly and for society to then put the blame on the recipient of the behavior. Many of us are trained from an early age that to be a woman means to do the labor of deciphering emotionally unavailable and cryptic men.
Men are taught to shut down and withhold their feelings, and women are taught to do the work for them and adjust.
Establishing a “normal” or a baseline to judge what is happening around us can, in fact, be very difficult, especially when the world does its best to keep us disconnected from our own hearts, and “normal” is often really bad. It’s especially difficult when everything women do is scrutinized and quickly punished. When we “see it coming” and state our case, women are accused of being harpies that are overly critical of men. When we don’t, we are blamed for whatever happened to us and asked, “Why didn’t you know better?” People say you should see everything coming as a woman when it comes to men.
A better analogy is that you always have to navigate some tricky territory as a woman. You're wading through the river, and it suddenly dips off into a deep current, and the water is over your head. You thought you had it, but you ain’t got it. Others are quick to tell us all the ways we are inferior for failing to avoid the violence of others, often in the guise of tough love. Sometimes you fall in the river when you are learning how to swim.
A lot of “tough love” is actually just people’s frustration with your process. Which is just frustration with their own process and the process of life in general. Abuse and withholding in relationships with men can be a deeply ingrained issue that actually has little to do with the person on the receiving end. Sometimes it’s just easier for others and ourselves to say, “he’s not into me” to expedite the stickiness and complication of feeling stuck. We lash out with our own feelings of helplessness and convince people, especially women, it’s for their own good.
The point here isn't the person's level of interest, it’s that this is the way they behave relationally as a human being. They believe the standard of care and humanity for those you deal with is based on the amount of pleasure you can currently extract. They have a tier system for humanity. Often, even within these societally constructed tiers, every person has their own code.
You can never truly know "why" someone is treating you poorly and SEEMINGLY showing care to others, but you can acknowledge it’s a reflection of their own inner state and not you. From there, you can begin to take steps that ensure your own well-being, whatever that looks like for you.
The journey to that care can be a long one.
People often trivialize the journey of being and becoming a woman. It’s a remarkable and complex experience. We can’t pretend anyone has all the answers to avoid heartbreak or survive patriarchal cultures because they don’t. No one’s cracked the code.
After being left so cold by men and the world, so many of us are in need of healthy, generous, patient, and warm lovemaking.
Women and the feminine everywhere are starving for genuine connections and intimacy. We are in need of a return to self, based in radical love and community and lovers that reflect that process. The path there is not to slam women down for misreading the behavior of others but to acknowledge that their behavior does not define us.
We are courageous, fearless, gorgeous, and vital, even despite the best attempts to thwart our divine becoming.
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Exclusive: Dreka Gates Talks Farm Life, Self-Mastery, And Her Wellness Brand
Dreka Gates is making a name in wellness through authenticity and innovativeness. Although we were introduced to her as a music manager for her husband, Kevin Gates, she has now carved out her own lane outside of music as a wellness entrepreneur. But according to Dreka, this is nothing new.
In an xoNecole exclusive, the mom of two opened up about many things, including starting her wellness journey at 13 years old. However, a near-death experience during a procedure at 20 made her start taking her health more seriously.
“There's so many different levels, and now, I'm in a space of just integrating all of this good stuff that I've learned just about just being human, you know?” Dreka tells us. “So it's also fun because it's like a journey of self-discovery and self-mastery. That's what I call it. So it's never-ending.”
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If you follow Dreka, then you’re familiar with her holistic lifestyle, as she’s no stranger to promoting wellness, self-care, and holistic living. She even lives part-time on a Mississippi farm, not far from her grandmother and great-grandmother’s farm, where she spent some summers as a child.
While her grandmother and great-grandmother have passed on, Dreka reflects on that time in her life and how having a farm as an adult is her getting back to her roots. “So the farm was purchased back in 2017, and it was like, ah, that'll just be a place where we go when we're not touring or whatever,” she said.
“But COVID hit, and I was there, and I was on the land, and I just started remembering back to going to my grandmother's during the summertime and freaking picking peas and going and eating mulberries off the freaking tree in the bushes.
“And she literally had cotton plants. I know some people feel weird about picking cotton and stuff. She had cotton plants and I would go and pick cotton out of her garden. And she had chickens, and I literally just broke down in tears one day when I was on the farm just doing all the things, and I'm like, ‘Oh my gosh. I'm literally getting back to my roots.”
"I literally just broke down in tears one day when I was on the farm just doing all the things, and I'm like, ‘Oh my gosh. I'm literally getting back to my roots."
You can catch glimpses of Dreka’s farm life on Instagram, which shows her picking fruit and vegetables and loving on her animals like her camel Eessa. Her passion for growing and cultivating led her to try and grow all of her ingredients for her wellness brand, Dreka Wellness. However, she quickly realized that she might be biting off more than she could chew. But that didn’t stop her from fulfilling her vision.
Watch below as Dreka talks more about her business, her wellness tips, breaking toxic cycles, becoming a doula, and more.
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We Shed More Hair During The Fall. Here's What To Do About It.
If you’re someone who likes to rock shorter hair during the spring and summer seasons, only to then decide to gain some inches when it’s cooler outdoors, on a lot of levels, that makes sense. Although protective styles like braids and twists work well throughout the year, weaves and wigs tend to be more comfortable during the fall and wintertime because there is less heat (and sweat) to deal with.
At the same time, though, if you think that all you need to do is cornrow your tresses, put on a wig, and go on about your business in order to get the hair results that you want come St. Patrick’s Day, you might want to keep reading. Believe it or not, although hair shedding is perfectly normal (more on that in a sec), it’s actually around autumn when it tends to happen the most.
That’s the bad news. The good news is, I’m about to tell you why — and what you can do about it.
First, What You Should Know About Hair Shedding, in General
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Okay, so you’ve probably heard somewhere that your hair goes through four cycles when it comes to growth: there’s the anagen phase (it’s when your hair grows and it can range from 3-7 years; your genetics play a part in the timeframe), the catagen phase (it’s when your hair follicles begin to shrink and the growing process slows down; it lasts for around 10 days), the telogen phase (your hair “rests” in this stage; it doesn’t grow or shed and it lasts for about three months) and finally, the exogen phase — which is when your hair sheds.
Since each hair follicle is basically on its own kind of schedule, that is why different hairs shed at different times. What you can know for sure is you’re going to probably shed somewhere between 50-100 hairs a day — and that is totally normal.
While we’re here, it’s important to know the difference between hair shedding, excessive hair shedding, and hair breakage. On your head, you have somewhere around 100,000 hair follicles; that’s why losing 100 strands of hair a day isn’t really that big of a deal. However, if when you (gently) tug on your hair, 2-5 strands come out at a time or when you comb or brush your hair, you notice a lot more than 50-100 strands in it, that would fall into the category of excessive shedding.
It should also go on record that somewhere around 40 percent of women lose more hair than they actually should on a daily basis because of how much and/or the way that they style it (which is probably when your hair has been in braids or twists for weeks at a time and you take them out, it seems like your hair has made a lot more progress).
Anyway, if you do notice a lot of shedding, that can be a heads-up that you have some type of nutritional deficiency going on or that you’re dealing with an underlying health issue. Since excessive shedding can sometimes lead tooverall hair loss, it’s a good idea to see your doctor, so that they can get to the — pardon the pun — root of the matter.
As far as hair breakage goes, pretty much, if the hair that is coming out has the bulb (root) attached, it’s a form of shedding. Otherwise, if you’re just seeing pieces of hair, that’s probably attributed to hair breakage. Many things can lead to breakage, including your hair being too dry, your hair products being too strong, you not trimming your tresses often enough, you not getting enough protein or other nutrients in your diet; your styling tools being too hot; your hairstyles being too tight, and also, you undergoing high levels of stress (health-related issues could be the cause here as well).
The “good news” about all of this is the process of elimination can help you to figure out what’s causing your hair breakage — which ultimately interferes with you experiencing length retention — so that you can get your hair goals back on track.
Now, Why Does Hair Shedding Increase During Autumn?
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Now that you know a little bit more about hair shedding, in general, what is it about the fall season that causes your hair to shed more than any other time of the year? Apparently, fall (and sometimes early winter) will go into another level of the exogen (shedding) phase in preparation for your head needing more hair in order to endure the cold winter season.
Yep, there is something about your body that is intuitive enough to sense that your head needs more “shelter” during the summertime to protect your head/scalp from the summer heat (reportedly, you tend to have the most hair on your head during the month of July) and then again in the winter season to keep it from freezing in the cold.
Something else to keep in mind is since, reportedly, well over 60 percent of folks find themselves being super stressed out during the holiday season, that also can contribute to more strands of your hair lying around (shout-out to those who are like me and fall into the 10 percent category instead; I see you — LOL).
As far as how your system is able to innately sense all of this, a part of it is due to how much sun exposure you get during the summer vs. the fall and wintertime. Since sun and weather do influence your hormone levels to some extent, that can also shed light on when your hair naturally sheds more or less, too.
So, what does all of this (ultimately) mean? Am I saying that whenever fall makes its way into your life that you’re supposed to just accept that less hair will be a part of your reality? Eh. Yes…and no.
5 Things That You Can Do to Prevent/Reduce (Excessive) Hair Shedding
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One of the good things about having this type of information is you can be proactive when it comes to cultivating ways to make “it” — in this case, hair shedding — less of an issue. Today, I’ve got five tips that can help you out as far as experiencing less hair strand loss (especially during this time of the year) is concerned.
1. Do a pre-shampoo scalp treatment.
Your hair follicles come out of your scalp, so you definitely need to “baby” it. Not only will it help to keep your scalp healthy, but it can also help to nourish your hair follicles so that they remain nice and strong. Allure has an impressive list of scalp treatments that you can check out here.
2. Deep condition.
On a whole ‘nother level. Hair and scalp hydration are super-duper important as the temperatures drop. That’s because you’re probably going to be spending more time indoors which means you’ll be dealing with the dry air of central heat and air units. So, if it’s normal for you to deep condition your hair for, say, 30 minutes, kick that up to 45 minutes or an hour (with a hair steamer). Don’t forget to apply a leave-in conditioner to your hair as well, just to give it some extra moisturizing support.
3. Oil your scalp a couple of times a week.
Although this can be a bit of a controversial topic with — eh hem — other folks, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with oiling your scalp. In fact, it’s another way to give it some of the extra hydration that you may need when you’re in between wash days (check out “How To Use Oils Properly If Long And Healthy Hair Is Your Goal”). The key is to avoid things like petroleum (directly on your scalp) because that can clog your hair follicles and potentially even dry your scalp out. Instead, go with lighter pure ones like sesame, sweet almond, rosemary, jojoba, or, a personal favorite of mine, grapeseed oil.
4. Wrap it up.
I’ve had a hair regimen without wrapping my hair up at night and one when I have — and there really is a big difference between the two. When your locks are wrapped up in silk or satin while you’re sleeping, it reduces friction, which reduces the kind of pressure on your hair that can lead to shedding and breakage. So, definitely make sure to wrap your hair up every night, especially during the fall season. You’ll notice how much it benefits your hair if/when you do.
5. Watch your diet.
As far as fruits that are in season during the fall, pears are packed with different forms of vitamin B, which can help to stimulate your hair follicles while pumpkin can help to make your hair thicker. Foods full of omega 3s like salmon and Brussels sprouts can nourish your scalp and hair follicles and increase blood circulation to them while ginger can also strengthen your hair and even slow down its aging process.
And definitely take a multivitamin; it will compensate for some of the nutrients that your diet may be missing. Oh, and don’t forget to read “10 Teas That Are Great For The Fall Season — As Far As Hair Growth Is Concerned.” It’s got some tips to keep you and your scalp/hair warm and hydrated too.
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Fall is definitely my favorite season of the year. Hair fall? Not so much. If you can relate, now you don’t have to stress about hair shedding so much. You can embrace autumn and all it has to offer — with more hair on your head and less in your detangling brush. Enjoy!
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