As I wrapped up the final days of my 20s, I did the usual reflection thing: the lists of lessons learned before 30 and spent a lot of time alone. I hear my thoughts best when it's just me and her and I am a huge believer in introspection. I added up the intensity of each milestone prior, divided by the overwhelming life teachers and decided that I was the average of everything I had experienced up until February 22, 2019.
I thought about the lovers, the Planned Parenthood scares, the friends laid to rest, the parties, the nights I can barely remember, and the times I literally fucked everything up. Overreacted, blew things out of proportion.
The fuck-ups were my favorites because now I can finally say with age, I begat wisdom.
Faith
While I became a mom at 18 and was shacked up before 25, I couldn't help but notice the friends of mine that had longed to have their own children and families by 30. Instead they were met with infertility scares and miscarriages. Miscarriages that weakened relationships and left some of my friends soul-searching as to why they weren't where they had planned to be when life goals were being discussed at recess in grade 3. Marriages that ended with no warning and lovers leading double lives. They didn't understand why others were more deserving of the blessings. It is in this period of confusion that we are taught to rebuild, renew, and recharge. There is strength in learning to stand on your own two feet. A superpower, if you will, that can never be taken from you.
That's when God is working on your faith and belief in the unseen.
Love
I don't remember what the fight was about. I just knew that we were trying to adult. Mainly because we were both tough-headed as shit and didn't follow rules. You could always see Shawn before you could hear him. He was annoying like that. I, on the other hand was a quiet firecracker. Barely spoke a peep but if I was ever pushed to my limit there was an unwritten warning that would tell everyone to take cover. We had yelling wars where I lost my voice and we had days of silent treatments and brushing each other in the hall. We mirrored what we were exposed to as kids but had to evolve to communicating as adults if we ever wanted things to change. He was my favorite mistake. Shawn taught me how to speak to my partner instead of speaking at him. He taught me that I teach others how to treat me. And most importantly, he taught me to never, ever give my power away.
Work
Professionally, I tended to be as much as a pushover as I was in my personal relationships. This was a result of the problem-solving I had learned in childhood. We didn't talk about things. We let them boil over 'til we couldn't take anymore which was followed by door slamming and the like. Fast forward a few years and I had begun to climb the corporate and entrepreneurial ladders at the same time. When it was time to address a colleague or a vendor for a missed deadline or miscommunication, I was harsh and unforgiving because I felt that professionalism was something that didn't need to be explained. Wrong. Not only did I need to learn the lesson of tact but I had to be able to decipher when I was allowing my emotions to lead.
My outlook on life at that time was that people were generally misleading with ulterior motives and I refused to be on the receiving end of their BS. You can see how holding such a belief was limiting in itself. It was imperative that this learning curve came when I had a job paying minimum wage and at the bottom of the ladder versus later on in life when I had an established brand and reputation to protect. God was working on my discernment and problem-solving.
Life Itself
Life, like the ultimate excursion, prepares us for the next chapter before we have any idea what it will look like. I liken this to travel. You pack your bags, ready for a whirlwind of adventure, read the itinerary and TripAdvisor reviews, and already know the destination for the tours. However, when you arrive at the hotel, there is a four-hour delay for your room that you didn't anticipate. Begrudgingly, you people-watch in the lobby and complain to your travel mates, forgetting that you're still exactly where you need to be. The hotel owner knew that they had to buy some time because he noticed that it was your birthday and wanted to specially prepare the room. Four hours later, you arrive to your room and are left speechless by all the small touches and personalized favors, as you pick out your outfit for the candlelit dinner, just for you.
When you feel as if everything you've invested in is going to shit, imagine that life's architect has paused the show and inserted an intermission to prepare and personalize the next chapter just for you.
I've decided that despite all my frantic planning, I don't drive this boat. I'm merely a passenger and my job is to make the best of every single moment. I don't wander aimlessly with no goal in mind, but as a more seasoned co-sailor, life has taught me to simply adjust my sails when the sea gets rough. I'm sure 40 will come with another revelation that leaves me better-equipped and with even more peace than the 30s. My 20s were packed with fuck-ups, and mishaps and ridiculously embarassing stories I'll never repeat.
If you can relate, know that in this next season, you're not immune to heartbreak, death and all of the other life stuff that we experience. The difference now is that when everything goes to shit, you aren't starting from scratch this time. You're rebuilding on wisdom, with resilience, discernment and knowledge in your toolbelt.
To be old and wise, you have to have first been young and dumb. Find comfort in that sentiment.
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RELATED
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
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When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
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Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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Some folks are saying that October is now “uncuffing season” as partners won’t have to deal with the weight and expectations that come with this time of year. From matching Halloween costumes to voting to Thanksgiving and Christmas, it seems the new cuffing season has moved to January.
In August 2021, Zoë and Channing were first rumored to be romantically involved after being photographed riding together through the streets of New York City on a BMX bike. The following month, they were seen leaving the Met Gala together, and Tatum confirmed their relationship on Halloween by posting a picture of them wearing a couples costume from Martin Scorsese's iconic 1976 film Taxi Driver on Instagram.
Instagram/@channingtatum
After collaborating on Zoë's directorial debut, Blink Twice, where Channing played a starring role, their relationship blossomed into a full-out romance. Approximately a year later, the Step Up star popped the question.
Because the streets are always watching, PEOPLE reported that Channing joined Zoë in seeing a production of a play by Blink Twice costar Levon Hawke in New York City's Red Hook neighborhood on Oct. 6. Most recently, Kravitz has been seen in public without her engagement ring, notably during an outing with her Big Little Lies co-star Shailene Woodley.
So the news of the split kinda comes as a surprise as we were just oozing over the couple’s undeniable chemistry during their Blink Twice press run in August. Channing and Zoë openly discussed their relationship and collaborated on multiple videos that went viral.
Even proud papa Lenny Kravitz gave his approval. During an interview with BBC’s Radio 2, he said, "He was raised well. So, you know, he’s got manners. He’s charming. He’s a soulful human being. And so, he’s become part of the family quite quickly. He fits and they're in love. We’re going to have a wedding next year."
As we mourn this breakup, let’s run back some memorable moments from the possibly uncoupled pair.
"Art is our love language."
When asked about future collaborations with her boo during the premiere of Blink Twice on Aug. 23, Zoë shared, "I think it's what we love, and we love talking about it, and experiencing it, and supporting each other.” Channing chimed in saying, “This is what I'll say about creating with someone that you are with or love: I suggest it. If you are thinking about having a kid or if you're thinking about getting married, go find the hardest possible creative project with your partner.”
“I got you forever.”
Channing took to Instagram to share an adoring photo of him holding Zoë. He captioned the photo, “This little sweet. She So tired bro. Every time I wondered if she’d break…. She just kept going and going and going. Always on the dig for truth. She pour’d every single ounce of her into this film. I’m so proud to stand ten toes down for her, this film and everyone in it. forever. Knowing what it took to make it. No one will ever know.”
The last line took us out: “Thank you for finding me and seeing me. I got you forever. Me and you back to back against it all. I’ll never blink. Let’s go. #blinktwice”
GOAT Talk
On Complex’s GOAT Talk, a show where stars are prompted to reveal their favorites of all time, Channing and Zoë disclosed their go-to song for singing in the shower, their beloved ad-lib line from Blink Twice, and their stance on conspiracy theories and their favorite rapper. The moment Channing challenged Zoë’s answer that Catwoman is the best superhero of all time was just too cute.
“The Lie Detector determined…”
The cast of Blink Twice underwent Vanity Fair's well-known lie detector test, facing a barrage of probing questions. Among the inquiries were: Did Channing Tatum and Naomi Watts ever irritate Zoë Kravitz during the filming of Blink Twice? Did Naomi ever pilfer anything from the set? Did Channing's portrayal of Gambit in Deadpool & Wolverine surpass his personal expectations?
Best of all were the moments you saw Zoë and Channing look at each other adoringly and when they would finish each other sentences. “We are equally cool,” Zoë beamed.
Puppy Love
The pair hung out with BuzzFeed and a slew of adorable puppies while chatting about their favorite improvised moment on set, who has the best rizz — which is apparently Channing according to Zoë — and their first impressions of each other. Not only did they binge-watch Love Island together but they also boasted they would win Love Is Blind if they were on the show.
The Pressure
Zoë Kravitz recently sat down with Esquirefor an interview and got real about her thoughts on becoming a parent. She shared that she's always kinda thought motherhood might not be her thing. “For a long time, I felt like there was something wrong with me. I was waiting for this light to go off in my head, and it never did. When you’re younger, you’re like, ‘Well, I can’t have kids. I’m too young! It’d be crazy.’”
Her viewpoint on childbirth and parenthood has evolved as she has matured and witnessed the societal pressure placed on women to reproduce. While she recognizes the immense strength and courage required to carry and raise a child, Kravitz believes that women should not be made to feel obligated to do so.
Zoë continued, “For a lot of people that have children, it is this giant, life-changing event – and I do think there is a certain amount of focus and respect that they should get from their community. There’s a lot of pressure on women to have children, and there’s a feeling that if you don’t, you don’t have purpose here.” The director feels a special connection to her new movie akin to giving birth.
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Featured image by Dave Benett/WireImage