However, beyond a married couple’s wedding day vows, I do recommend that husbands and wives make other ones throughout the course of their relationship too. Why? Well, it’s mainly because of another quote that I am particularly fond of: "You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as a result of being married to you." A writer by the name of Richard Needham said that. Because time does evolve and transform individuals, making annual (other) promises to your spouse can help to further solidify your commitment to them in some very specific, significant, and necessary ways.
And what better time to make these types of recommitments than on New Year’s Eve when you’re right on the brink of a brand-spanking new calendar year? So, if you are married and you would like to go into another year with even more clarity and vigor as it relates to your union, exchanging these seven following promises with your partner, before the ball drops, is a very special (and helpful) way to do it.
1. “I
will release all of the things that I already said I’ve forgiven you for.”
GiphyIt really is pretty amazing that the number of people who divorce rather than keep their vows still hovers around 50 percent. And although infidelity and abuse are sometimes the cause, they aren’t even close to being the top reasons. What seems to reign supreme these days? A lack of real commitment and also poor communication — and when you really stop to think about it, forgiveness falls into both of these dynamics. The reason why I say that is because, on the commitment tip, it is Ruth Graham Bell who once said, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers” and she was married to evangelist Billy Graham for over 60 years.
Yes, when you commit to a relationship, a part of what you are signing up for is accepting that your partner is not perfect and therefore, will need forgiveness and that YOU ARE NOT PERFECT and so, you will need forgiveness as well.
As far as poor communication goes, who can connect well with someone when they are holding a grudge? Not only does it create a wall between you and your spouse, but unforgivingness can stress you out, give you depression-related symptoms, make it harder to conceive a child, suppress your immunity, and even give you heart problems. So, whatever it is that you told your partner over the past 12 months that you’ve forgiven them for, make sure you didn’t lie to them and yourself by LETTING THAT ISH GO…for the sake of your relationship and your overall health and well-being as you move forward into a new year.
2. “I
will check in more often to see if your relational needs and/or wants have changed.”
GiphyI have shared on more than one occasion that one of my favorite quotes (especially as it relates to marriage) is by playwright Lillian Hellman: “People change and forget to tell each other.” And honestly, that right there is why I think that many couples will say “We grew apart” when they try to explain to others why their marriage came to an end.
Listen, if you think that you are going to marry someone who is going to remain the same for the rest of their lives, you are living in a truly delusional and alternate universe; the same thing goes if they are thinking that about you. So, you know what this means, right?
First, you’ve got to accept that a part of what comes with loving someone is being willing to be flexible and adaptable. Secondly, you’ve also got to be willing to accept what your spouse once needed and wanted from the relationship and you may have shifted — and the only way you will know that is by talking to them about it.
My recommendation? Hold “What’s changed?” meetings once a season (four times a year) to see if something is different when it comes to each other’s needs, expectations, and goals. The more the two of you talk these types of things out, the easier it is to come up with a plan that helps the two of you to “fuel each other”…so that you are able to grow together — instead of apart.
3. “I
will make our sex life (more of) a priority.”
GiphyA huge part of the reason why I’ve written content for the platform like, “10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important,” “8 'Kinds Of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation,” “Married Couples, Here's How To Make (More) Time For Sex,” “12 Married Couples Share Keys For Taking Sexual Intimacy To Another Level” and “10 Irrefutable Reasons To Have An Orgasm A Day” is because, so long as you and your beloved are physically capable, sex should always be treated as a staple in a marital relationship — and a staple is something that forms something else.
Scripture says that sex should never be withheld from your spouse (I Corinthians 7:5), one of the things that makes a marriage different from every other relationship you have is sex and there are far too many holistic benefits that come with having sex for it to not be prioritized in your marriage.
You know, there is a quote that serves as a signature in one of my email accounts that author Nick Chellsen came up with; it says, “Boundaries are what you say 'no' to. Priorities are what you say 'yes' to” — and when it comes to sexual intimacy, for every time that you put other people, social media, and whatever else before you and your partner spending true quality time together, you are saying that they aren’t a priority — and that never can end well.
Research says that healthy marriages have sex about once a week. If that is not the case in your household, it’s time to figure out why (even if you need a marriage counselor or sex therapist to help you out).
I recently watched a movie where a wife kept avoiding sex with her husband; then when he decided to leave, she claimed that he was abandoning the relationship. Sis, hate to break it to you but you did first by signing up for a relationship that includes sex and then reneging. And yes, y’all, if that felt like an “ouch” — please take it to heart.
4. “I
will shift the people, places, things and ideas that hinder our bond.”
GiphyOne thing that really irritates me about social media (and there are oh so many things to choose from) is watching married people talk to bitter and/or completely clueless individuals about their relationship — or shoot, life, in general. Now mind you, I didn’t say that it bothers me when married people talk to single folks (check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships” and “Yes. Married Folks Need Single Friends (Male And Female).”). I mean, I’m single, I’ve been working with married couples for two decades at this point and just yesterday, a wife of almost 20 years told me that I am the best counselor that she and her husband have ever had (and they’ve had several).
No, what I mean is you need to listen to folks who respect marriage, are supporters of your marriage, and will do things that will add to and not subtract from your union. That said, I don’t care if it’s a family member (person), a church (place), a habit (thing), or some form of media (that plant seeds of ideas into your mind) — if you are spending time in an environment that makes it harder rather than easier to be married, it’s time to shift out of that space.
And sis, if your husband feels this way about certain people, places, things, or ideas, you need to listen to where he is coming from.
Being your provider and protector isn’t just about the monetary and the physical. If he discerns that there is stuff around that is causing the two of you to struggle, unnecessarily so, he very well may have a point.
5. “I
will become (even more) solution-oriented rather than problem-oriented.”
GiphyIt might be hard to hear but if you’re someone who finds yourself talking about what’s wrong in your marriage instead of what steps should be taken in order to make things right, you definitely need to consider making this particular promise to your partner because being a problems-oriented type of person benefits absolutely no one. And what does it look like to be a problem-oriented individual?
Negative people are problem-oriented individuals. Naggers (which is also something that Scripture frowns upon — Proverbs 21:9) are problem-oriented individuals. Folks who compare their relationship to others are problems-oriented people (always remember that you ain’t them). People who dwell more on feelings than truth, facts, and logic (because feelings can be fickle) tend to be problem-oriented individuals. Please hear me when I say that perfectionists are usually problem-oriented individuals (nothing and no one on this earth is perfect).
Close-minded folks who don’t know how to compromise are problem-oriented individuals. Impatient people are problem-oriented individuals. Hypercritical folks are problem-oriented individuals. Folks who rarely encourage or celebrate the “small wins” in life are typically problem-oriented individuals (because they are never truly satisfied). Folks who would rather be right than do what is right for the ultimate betterment of their relationship are problem-oriented people.
Marriage is an ultimate collaboration which means that if you want to be solution-oriented — you need to listen to your spouse; you need to be flexible in your approach to things; you need to take on a positive attitude; you need to be (more) patient; you need ask questions to gain a better understanding of where your partner is coming from; you need to think about what helps the future and not just what feels good in the present, and you need to say and do things that cultivate peace and harmony instead of stress and drama.
Y’all, a husband and wife who decide, daily, that they are a team and so, they are going to work together to do what is better for the team — they are rarely defeated. That’s just the plain ole’ truth.
6. “I
will be better at taking accountability.”
GiphyAsk any engaged couple who comes to me for counsel and they will tell you that one of the things that I will say, on repeat, is if you don’t want to be held accountable, on some level, each and every day of your life, DO NOT GET MARRIED. I say that because one of the main purposes of marriage is to help two people to grow and mature and that requires allowing your partner to hold a “mirror” up and show you some things that you may not like about yourself or may be uncomfortable to address.
Hmph. Let me tell it, that is actually an “unsung” reason why so many people call it quits: they don’t like what they see in their “marriage mirror” and so they leave in hopes of finding someone who will praise them more than challenge them. SMDH.
Listen, if everything that I just said stepped on your toes, this is definitely a promise that you need to make to your spouse before the new year because you should be able to trust your spouse enough for them to encourage you to act more responsibly in various areas of your life. Again, that is a part of what they are there for. Very much so.
7. “I
will like you more, respect you better and choose you daily.”
GiphySomething that many of my clients will tell you (and I also think I’ve said in articles before) is when couples tell me that they’re not (currently) “in love,” I’m not nearly as concerned as when they tell me that they don’t LIKE each other anymore. My usual response: love, as far as the feeling of it goes, has ebbs and flows; however, if you two still like each other, we can get back to love. And yes, that is a hill that I will forever-and-a-day die on. I mean, friends like each other, right? Is your husband your friend?
Because, when you really do adore someone, appreciate someone, enjoy someone — you tend to find enough things about them that will make you want to stick out the challenging ones about them and/or the trying season that the two of you may be going through. So yes, over the next year, purpose in your mind to find more things to LIKE about your spouse; you’ll be amazed at how helpful that one tip can be.
Respect? When you respect someone, you esteem them. When you respect someone, you honor their boundaries. When you respect someone, you take their insights into serious consideration. When you respect someone, you present them in the best light to other people. When you respect someone, you speak to them with kindness and consideration. When you respect someone, you validate their feelings, give them space when they need it, and affirm them just because. That said, do you respect your husband? Better yet, ask him if he feels respected by you (especially since it’s a biblical instruction — Ephesians 5:33).
And finally, love is a choice. Children? They only go by what they feel. Mature people? They get that sometimes what you feel like isn’t what’s most important — what you choose is. And I promise you, waking up every day, looking your spouse in the eye, and declaring, “Today, again, I CHOOSE YOU” — can give you the “oomph” that you need to get through whatever the day brings because you are saying, both to them and yourself, that loving you is a conscious decision and I’m willing to say and do things that support that choice.
____
One of my favorite lines from the movie The Fault in Our Stars is when one of the characters says, “Oftentimes, people don’t understand the promises that they make when they made them.” Yeah, don’t get me started on why that’s a huge reason why every engaged couple should get premarital counseling.
Anyway, it’s my sincere hope that I broke down these seven promises well enough that you and your husband can toast to these words — so that you can go into the new year, better than ever, as far as your vow-based bond is concerned.
Salute to the next season of your marriage. You’ve made it this far. You deserve it.
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