Healing after a breakup can be quite a dark journey, but it's an essential part of our growth and having a more fruitful relationship in the foreseeable future. For many people like myself, I never saw the beauty in healing. I thought the power was in moving on instantly and being open to dating right after coming out of a relationship/situationship. I used to be a serial dater and played victim like it was nobody's business.
About two years ago, my toxic way of thinking used to be, yeah, it was his fault we didn't work out–he just chose to leave me like the rest of them. It wasn't until my last relationship that I realized I was just playing the blame game and not being accountable for my end of the partnership.
I really had to sit with myself and question all of my mishaps of how I'm going to work through my deep-rooted abandonment issues and why I see myself as less of a woman without a partner.
I felt like I always had a void to fill, and I knew being alone for some time wasn't exactly the option I thought I needed to do – and I avoided doing it. I went through the phase of overusing dating apps, and noticed I was beginning to see men as just a disposable swipe, just a face, not too concerned about character and values. My solution became I dated someone new to get over someone else and hoped to find my partner for life along the way.
Thinking back on how I used to think made me feel a bit shameful initially, but as time went on, I thought of it as this was what I knew then, and that season also serves a purpose for shaping the woman I am today. In order to change my perspective, I had to take a 360-approach to any triggers and hold myself accountable for doing better. You can't do the same thing expecting better results – that's just insanity.What should you NOT do after a breakup?
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Do not go rushing back to your ex for closure. There is a reason you guys broke up, whether it be for good or maybe you guys are able to get back together after working on each other's issues separately. But right now, we don't know where the future will take either of you, so you have to only focus on you! Create our own closure, and it shouldn't start with hate but appreciation of what you learned from that relationship.
Leave the dating apps alone for now or forever.
It will not serve you or the potential partner you entertain because you can't offer the best version of yourself before working on yourself. We live in such a microwave time frame where everyone is like, OK, that didn't work out, on to the next. But your heart and healing process doesn't work like that, and you need to provide yourself space to mourn.
The unfortunate truth is that most people don't like being alone; they quickly feel lonely and go to others to fill that void. You will never be a whole, healthy partner until you make it entirely your responsibility to be happy. Don't go running to friends with benefits or dating in general either because that's just another layer of avoidance to not deal with your reality. This is a season of discipline, and in order for you to learn the lesson, you have to hold yourself to high standards to attain a healthy and healed mindset.
What are the stages of healing after a breakup?
Allow yourself to grieve and mourn your significant other. You are allowed to cry; despite what others say, it's not a sign of weakness; it's just a human trait we all have expressing deep emotions. It doesn't mean you aren't going to deal with your healing process; you are doing that now, and as time progresses, those tears will come to an end.
Therapy is a great adventure to explore after a relationship. It will help analyze your feelings in the partnership and point out areas you fell short in because that's all you have control of – is yourself. They will ask questions regarding if you paid attention to red flags and did you address them? Did you feel like you settled for less? Were you vocal about things you were uncomfortable with, or did you keep enabling traits you weren't fond of? What was your argument style like? Etc.
I would highly suggest journaling in this season. Get to a deeper level to understanding the pain you're enduring. Read it back to yourself aloud to repaint the picture to look at it in a logical perspective being that your lens is sharper because you're not in the relationship anymore.
There are also great books and games to explore during your healing process. Psychologist and host of Therapy for Black Girls, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, has created a phenomenal guided journal called Questions That Need Answers: After The Breakup. It's a great way to make sense of the chaos and set healthy intentions for your next relationship when you feel ready to date again. I've also been exploring this introspective game by We're Not Really Strangers Self-Reflection Kit, which includes a journal and a 52-card deck asking questions about yourself and your relationship with others.
Signs you're healing from the breakup
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Remember the date you set for being single? Well, you threw it out the window because you are finding contentment and joy in your solitude! You'll know your healing when the waterworks come to an end or just occur less. You're able to look at the relationship for all that it helped you grow as a person, and you're hoping for the absolute best for your ex-partner.
Any animosity or resentment you had prior, you simply let it go. You've learned that holding grudges doesn't help either party; it just holds them back from healing. You've forgiven yourself and your partner for where you both fell short–you were doing the best you could with what you knew at that time. You've learned that two halves don't make a whole relationship; only two whole people can sustain a progressive long-term relationship.
The best part of it all is that you're finally seeing your whole worth! Your worth isn't defined by partnership; your worth is determined by how much you know and value yourself and hold others accountable for meeting those standards. You will be handing out a lot of rejection letters once you know your value because most people don't deserve access to you.
Healing is not a destination; it's a journey. So have grace with this process and get used to loving yourself more; no one can fill your love cup up like you!
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Ajeé Buggam is a content writer and fashion designer from New York City and an alumna from the Fashion Institute of Technology. She specializes in writing about race, social injustice, relationships, feminism, entrepreneurship, and mental wellness. Check out her recent work at Notes To Self
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
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Yara Shahidi Shares Her Formula For Manifesting The Career Of Her Dreams
Yara Shahidi is a walking testimony of what it looks like to live out your wildest dreams, and she has managed to do it all in the harsh limelight of Hollywood without selling her soul. From acting and producing to hosting The Optimist Project podcast with SiriusXM to being a full-time college student at Harvard, now graduate, the 24-year-old has built a career that inspires while staying true to her values.
But how does she balance such a demanding yet "well-rounded" life while continuing to manifest new opportunities?
In a recent episode of The School of Greatness podcast with Lewis Howes, Yara opened up about her unique formula that has been instrumental to her success: following her curiosity. When asked how she manifests things in her life, Yara explained to the host, “There are many different ways. For some of the bigger things, it really is kinda getting downloads and moments of like, ‘Oh, I think that’s next.’”
She added, “Chasing curiosity means that my purpose is constantly unfolding in front of me. All I have to do is pay attention.” She described these intuitive “downloads” as waves of excitement or curiosity, deeper than that, as moments that spark her interest and give her clues about what to pursue next.
"Chasing curiosity means that my purpose is constantly unfolding in front of me. All I have to do is pay attention."
“A lot of what I think I’m interested in tackling comes from a wave of curiosity,” she said. “Like, for some reason, this is grabbing my attention, and I really couldn’t tell you why.” For Yara, those seemingly random sparks often turn into something deeper and more meaningful for the Bloom actress. She even recalled her podcast The Optimist Project flourishing as a result of a seed planted in her mind as a result of those waves of curiosity.
Whether it’s exploring new roles in her career or partnerships in the world of fashion and endorsements, her method of following the lead of those curiosities has led to incredible results.
One story Yara shared illustrated the power of curiosity-driven manifestation. Seemingly out of nowhere, she wrote down every endorsement deal she thought of having, not as a goal-oriented thing, but more so just writing down on a whim different brands that came to her head as a result of the sparks she is often led by.
Two years later, she realized she and her team had accomplished every single one. “It truly starts as this vision board,” she explained as she recounted the power of her and her team’s alignment on their curiosities. By letting her curiosity guide her, she’s been able to align those visions with the right opportunities. “What do we see?” she asks herself and her team, emphasizing the importance of shared alignment and intention in calling in the right opportunities for her life.
Curiosity is more than just a passing feeling for Yara, in fact, it’s a practice. From her TED Talk on the subject to her daily approach to life, she’s made it clear that tuning into what sparks joy and excitement is her formula for success. She noted that the curiosities are the true start of it all and the analytics or the “how” of achieving the goal comes later.
For Yara, it’s simple: let curiosity lead and trust the path to reveal itself.
Her journey reminds us that curiosity is often the key to uncovering our true purpose. By paying attention to what excites us, we can create a life that aligns with our values and dreams. As Yara’s story shows, following our curiosity might just be the first step toward manifesting the career and life we’ve always imagined.
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