More People Are Using The 'Gray Rock Method' To End Relationships. It Needs To Stop.
Breaking up is hard to do. That’s the hook of a song from way back in the day, and as someone who has broken up with people before and had a few end things with me, I can certainly attest to that very fact. Thing is, when it comes to this particular topic, sinceI am also a life coach in the area of relationships, I do think that what can make a break-up so much more painful — or at least triggering — is how someone chooses to do it…and boy, if the gray rock method is not one of the most cowardly ones out here — WHEW.
And just what is the gray rock method? I’m so glad that you asked because, although I didn’t know until semi-recently that there was an actual term for it, I have experienced it and witnessed far too many other people go through it, to not call it all the way out.
Before breaking it down, if you’re on the verge of ending things with someone (someone you’re dating, not someone you’re married to because you definitely shouldn’t go this route in that case), if you want your life karma to be good, this is how to NOT handle your relationship.
Let me explain.
What It Means to Be a Coward
GiphyBefore I get into what the gray rock method is all about, I think it’s important to lay down a bit of groundwork. You know, I’ve been working professionally in the field of relationships for damn near two decades at this point, which means that I have seen a lot — and when it comes to the approach that folks will take in order to end their own romantic connection with someone, I’ve noticed that men will oftentimes take the cowardly way out while women will lean into being passive aggressive.
For the record, both are ridiculous (in my opinion), and I’ll expound on why. Starting with being a coward.
By definition, a coward is someone who lacks courage. Some synonyms for the word include wimp, deserter, and quitter. Because I am a traditionalist (more like a complementarian) in many ways when it comes to relationships, a cowardly man grates my soul because, if a man is to lead a relationship, he can’t be a coward and do it well.
Hmph. That reminds me ofan article that I once read on traits of a cowardly leader; some of them included avoiding hard decisions, being a poor listener, not being genuine, refusing to grow or change on any level, and not following through with things.
And you know what? There are a lot of guys out here who, when they are ready to end a relationship, instead of just coming right on out and saying it, they will take the cowardly approach. For instance, they might stop listening to you or paying attention to your needs, or they might become inflexible or unwilling to compromise, all the while hoping that their actions will frustrate you to the point where you will leave them so that they don’t have to be “the bad guy.” And yes, that is a coward. A textbook one, at that.
Is it on the top of anyone’s list to end a relationship? Does anyone rush to hurt someone’s feelings or worse, break their heart? Unless they’re a clinically diagnosed narcissist or sociopath, absolutely not. Indeed, calling it quits with someone requires courage. Yet, if a man wants to be respected, courage is something he’s going to need to have if he comes to the conclusion that a relationship no longer suits him anymore.
That said, people who use the gray rock method with people they date are not very courageous people. Put a pin in that while I handle how a lot of women tend to move towards the end of relationships for a second.
What It Means to Be Passive Aggressive
Giphy“What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing.”
UGH. My clients know that if there’s one thing that I’m going to call out, each and every time, it’s saying “nothing” to clearly something — and it’s not (typically) men who do that mess; it’s usually women…by far. I don’t know who started that approach to communication, but whoever it is should be placed on billboards all over the country with bright red flags circling their head because mature and effective interaction doesn’t require someone having to beg you to speak up. If something is wrong, say it; being passive-aggressive profits absolutely nothing.
And what exactly does it mean to be a passive-aggressive individual? In many ways, it’s a lot like gaslighting. Rather than confront a matter head-on, passive-aggressive folks do things likegive the silent treatment, address issues with cynicism or sarcasm, smile in your face, and then talk about you behind your back (even if that means venting about you online), dish out backhanded compliments; will engage in self-sabotage by creating drama and problems that don’t really exist, and/or they will pull that “nothing” mess in order to make someone pull how they are feeling out of them (which again, is pretty immature, if we’re gonna be real about it).
And why would someone do this if they are unhappy in their relationship? Well, the interesting thing about passive-aggressive behavior (which is why it’s so close to gaslighting) is if people do it “well” enough, they can play the victim; that’s because it’s so subtle that, although they are annoying/irritating the entire mess out of someone, it can be challenging for the person who is on the receiving end of their game-playing to directly call them out on it.
So, if a guy is dating a woman who is passive-aggressive and she says things like, “I mean, this is a better restaurant than the ones you’ve taken me out on lately,” or she suddenly decides to nitpick at what he does when she used to be quite chill, if he starts to distance himself or wants to end things, then she can act like he abandoned her, even though she’s the one who started all of the discontent and low-key drama, to begin with — and yeah, that’s some pretty nasty work.
And this, along with being cowardly, at the end of the day, can both play a direct role in applying the gray rock method to ending a relationship. Here’s how — and why.
Here’s How They Both Play a Role in the “Gray Rock Method”
GiphyWhen was the last time you stared at a rock? If you honestly can’t remember, I don’t blame you. Rocks are pretty boring. In fact, the only thing worse than looking at a rock is looking at a gray rock. I mean, even though I like to wear gray, let’s not act like the color is super stimulating or anything. And so, if you pair that hue with a stone, and then look at it for minutes on end, there is a huge possibility that you are gonna be bored out of your mind to the point where you’d rather do almost anything but continue to do so.
Ladies (and possibly gents as well), I give you the gray rock method. Although some people say that it’s a helpful way to deal with negative or draining people, remember that we’re talking about it in a particular context for this article. For this piece, the gray rock method is applied by tapping out so much, becoming so bland and ho-hum in conversations, literally acting boring as hell that the person you’re seeing ends up fading out or ending things altogether…and gee, you didn’t have to do any of the dirty work.
Could it work? Sure, it could. Hell, it does. People do some variation of this mess all of the time. However, even the person who came up with the term says that if you’re going to attempt it, you should during the beginning stages of dating NOT when you’re ready to end something that is far more substantial. Why shouldn’t you for more serious relationships? Well, now that you know what the gray rock method is all about…do you see how it can be cowardly like a mug and/or passive-aggressive as all get out? What’s even remotely respectful about either of those things?
One way that I’ve seen someone pull the gray rock method approach that was pretty foul is she totally disengaged with her partner. Then, when he stopped doing as much work as he used to in order to maintain the relationship, she accused him of cheating — just so she could feel good about ending a relationship that she no longer wanted to be in, in the first place. Foul, foul, and super foul. Yeah, no matter how difficult it can be to end things with someone, putting them in a position where they will seem like the villain and you the hero-victim when you know that you were pulling puppet strings all along? Either you’re heartless, or you don’t believe in karma.
Which brings me to my final point for all of this.
There Is Usually Karma in Break-Ups. Remember That.
GiphyNot too long ago, someone asked me about what kept me from totally clowning a particular individual (who they know) who did me pretty dirty back in the day. I mean, I do have a book coming out before the year’s end. LOL. I promise you, I don’t know why folks wanna screw with writers (any kind of writer too). The bigger point here is when you know that you did right by — or at least better than —someone, you really can let karma (destiny or fate, following as effect from cause) handle it.
And for those of you who claim not to believe in karma, do you not believe in sowing and reaping (Galatians 6:6-10) either — because that’s pretty much what karma is. And here’s the thing about it: it doesn’t have an expiration date. What that means is you can plant a “bad” (or cowardly or passive-aggressive or jacked-up motive) seed, forget all about it, and BOOM! Out of nowhere comes a harvest that you can’t figure out…and it was all connected to that nasty seed that you planted back in the day.
Yeah, the thing that you have to be careful of when it comes to matters of the heart is, that you really do need to always and consistently apply the Golden Rule of “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” So, even if you’re not feeling someone in the way that they feel about you (anymore), don’t be delusional (or arrogant) enough to think that one day you won’t be emotionally where they are about you now regarding someone else — which could cause them to “gray rock” the mess outta you. See where I’m coming from?
Actor Keanu Reeves once said, “Your karma should be good and everything else will follow.” Break-ups are included. If you want things to end well for you, end well with someone. There’s no need to bore them to tears so that they will leave so that you won’t have to. Be what you want: honest, clear, fair, compassionate, and caring. Even if it’s time to bring this chapter of your love life to a close, who said that it can’t be respectful, grown, and honorable? The gray rock method? Yeah, it doesn’t check off any of those boxes. Not really.
___
I know this is a bit of a different kind of relationship article. Like I said earlier, although you may have never heard of the term before, “gray rocking” happens too much to not address it head-on to hopefully get fewer people to do it.
Bottom line, is if you want a mature break-up from someone, give one.
I would hate for a gray rock to hit you on your head (or at your heart) one day (you know, metaphorically-speaking)…all because you didn’t.
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Featured image by Vladimir Vladimirov/Getty Images
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
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Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
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Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
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This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy
'ACross Generations With Tiffany Cross' Gets Real About Daddy Issues In Latest Episode
In this week’s episode of ACross Generations with Tiffany Cross, a podcast where Black women from different generations tackle pressing subjects while sharing their experiences. The show's host, Tiffany Cross, along with guests Dr. Joy Ellington and Ariel B., delved into how their relationships with their fathers have influenced their personal lives.
An absent parent or a strained parent-child relationship, particularly between fathers and their children, can significantly affect an individual's life trajectory, especially their perception and formation of interpersonal relationships.
Research suggests that individuals grappling with paternal absence or conflict may exhibit various traits, including a constant need for validation, difficulty in communicating through problems, using sex to gain attention, and struggles with trust and abandonment, to name a few.
Historically, society has often associated absentee fathers primarily with the Black community. However, a recent study has challenged this narrative.
In a clip shared on the podcast's official Instagram account, Dr. Joy Ellington revealed insights into her quest for approval, a pattern she attributed to her strained relationship with her biological father—a dynamic that remained unresolved until his untimely passing.
"When people are seeking validation from someone else, be it from a father or whoever, you're weakened, she said. "You've given the control of your life to someone else, to their discretion. I can't afford to do that because I only have -- one life."
Despite the complex relationship with her biological father, Dr. Joy Ellington disclosed that she found the love and sense of wholeness she had been missing through her bond with her stepfather.
Further in the video, Ariel B., who was adopted and never met her biological father, reveals her struggle to differentiate between sex and love.
"I know that I struggle separating sex with love very bad," she stated. "I have girlfriends all the time that are just like, 'Oh, knock the dust off!' That sounds terrible. Just use it when you want to."
In response to this admission, Tiffany echoed Ariel B.'s sentiment, suggesting that understanding one's sexual behavior requires examining the underlying intentions.
"I'm actually a little envious. You're not trying to resolve some daddy issues. Like maybe you just have agency over your sexuality, and this is what you like to do,” she said.
Toward the end of the clip, Dr. Joy Ellington revealed that her upbringing in a predominantly male environment, coupled with her experiences with her biological father, has made it challenging for her to express emotions.
"I had a great aunt that had seven sons. I lived my life with them," she said. "It's hard for me to cry. I don't mind. I was never going to be that beggy woman. I don't need you, but I don't let the desire to dictate my feelings."
Discussions on these topics are crucial within the Black community because it allows individuals to uncover their traumas' root causes and begin the healing process.
For those interested in exploring this subject further, the full episode of Across Generations with Tiffany Cross is available now on its official YouTube page.