If there's one book that I think every married couple on the planet should have, it'sLove & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. From a biblical standpoint, it supports the Scripture, "Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." (Ephesians 5:33—NKJV) Did you peep how the Bible says that men should love their wives and women should respect their husbands? That's the entire premise of the book in a nutshell—wives feel honored by being loved by their husbands while husbands feel honored by being respected by their wives. Much like love languages, the problem with a lot of relationships is women are giving men what they want to receive and vice versa. But I promise you ladies, ask any man if he would prefer love vs. respect, an overwhelming majority would go with what's behind Door #2. In fact, if I were to list the top five complaints that my clients have ever had concerning their relationship, one of them would definitely be that wives don't feel loved enough and husbands don't feel respected (esteemed) enough.
And what does that have to do with the title of today's message? I'm sure many of you remember Sanaa Lathan's character Andrea in the movie The Family That Preys. While that chick was off the chain on so many levels, the one issue that most applies here is she was making most of the money and totally disrespecting her husband because of it. Meanwhile, Chris (played by Rockmond Dunbar) wasn't a bum or anything. He was actually a contractor for the same company where his wife was an accountant. Plus, he had dreams. Big dreams. Ones that eventually ended up paying off…BIG TIME. In the meantime, though, Andrea was makin' bank, he wasn't and it was taking all kinds of tolls on their relationship (yes, I know her affair didn't help but let's stay on topic, shall we?).
Hmph. I can name five couples off the top of my head that I personally know who are in this same boat in real life. And since it's that many, I know there must be at least a few readers who can relate to this situation too. It can be frustrating. It can be draining. Sometimes, it can make divorce seem like a much more appealing option (check out "What Some People Regret About Their Divorce").
But before you make a drastic life change, I hope that the following five questions can help you to figure out if there is possibly another route to take; especially if one of your dreams was to remain married to your husband for the rest of your life.
Did You Know What You Were Getting Yourself into from the Jump?
There is someone I know who's basically been the sole breadwinner of her marriage since she said, "I do". When you grow up in the entertainment industry (which I did), it's pretty common to know of husbands who are "in the arts" and not pulling a paycheck (or at least a steady one) while the wives are the ones who are holding the bills down. How does someone find themselves in such a predicament? Good question. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but there is something very…alluring about artists. I don't know if it's their talent, the spotlight they stand in as they perform or what, but it has a way of seducing you to the point of sometimes losing all common sense. Anyway, years and years later, this woman's husband continues to not have stable employment while she works a couple of gigs to make ends meet. Also, for years and years, he's made the promise that once he "hits it big", she can quit. At this rate, it looks like she will retire well before that happens.
You know, another woman I know once told me something that is oh so very wise. She said, "Be careful about telling God rather than asking God who your husband is. You could end up regretting it." (Check out "What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?") The wife I just spoke of? I remember her falling for her now-husband. She was so enamored with him that, while she was well aware of the fact that he was almost obsessed with being an artist while his work ethic was shady, at best, because she wanted him so bad, she overlooked that. You know what that means, right? He didn't hoodwink or bamboozle her. She simply married a man who has never really made provision a priority.
I oftentimes say, marriage doesn't "fix" matters; if anything, it magnifies them. So yeah, if you're with someone and you're the financial supporter of the house, their dreams or both, the first thing you should ask yourself is, "Did I go into this relationship fully aware that it was going to be that way?" because sometimes, our spouse is merely being what we accepted from day one. And, if we want that to change, we first have to take responsibility for not requiring more in the relationship from the very beginning.
Is Your Husband a Dreamer or a Dream Implementer?
Whether you know what you were getting yourself into or not, I'm certainly not saying that you should surrender to things remaining this way. After all, it's one thing to be with a dreamer. It's another matter entirely to be with a dream implementer. What's the difference? I once worked with a couple who, quite frankly, the husband was a spoiled brat. Because he was such a mama's boy while growing up, he basically acted like it was his wife's job to fund his dreams and ambitions. First of all, that's a wack way of thinking, whether it's on the husband's or wife's part.
It's not another grown person's responsibility to make sure that you live your best life. Your spouse is there to support you, not enable you.
Anyway, because ole' boy didn't get this memo, if he lost a job…whatever. If he misspent money…whatever. If his dream changed half a dozen times in one year…whatever. He felt that she should keep "having his back" until he figured it out. This guy is a dreamer. A lazy and entitled one, at that.
A dream implementer is different. His dream comes with a mission statement. His dream comes with a plan. His dream comes with short- and long-term goals. And, if he needs the financial support of his wife in order to make those dreams happen, he presents his idea in such a way where it's an investment into him and the marriage overall. His dream also has a clear timeframe. What I mean by that is, if he wants to quit a good paying job in order to start his own business, he will make sure his wife knows how long he is planning to rely on her financial support—and you can best believe that it won't be indefinitely. Matter of fact, a lot of dream implementers will even work a part-time gig, just so that some sort of income can be coming in on their behalf. Why? Because as an adult, they are not comfortable with someone else solely providing for them for a long period of time, even if that individual happens to be their wife.
Is Your Marriage a True Partnership?
A healthy marriage consists of two people who see their union as a partnership. One of my favorite definitions of partnership is "joint interest". JOINT. INTEREST. It's one thing for a husband or wife to come home and tell their partner what they are going to do next with their life, all the while assuming that since their spouse vowed "for better, for worse" and "for richer, for poorer" that they should automatically be on board. It's another matter entirely for that same husband or wife to come home, share their dreams and then ask their spouse how they feel about the idea and if they think it is something that is doable at the time. The latter couple are the kind who respect that their marriage is a partnership.
There's a couple I know who's been married, shoot, for at least three decades now. They are both anesthesiologists. When they were in medical school, they were brokety-broke-broke. And so, the husband worked and paid to get his wife through school. Then, when she graduated, she worked so that he could earn his degree. This means that there was a season when both of them were sole breadwinners. This was able to happen because they mutually agreed that it was the best idea for them.
No good husband is going to be "cool" with his wife funding his dreams if she isn't fully on board. Mind you, I didn't say always happy or thrilled, but she will be down for the cause. If you are currently the financier of your husband's ideas and goals and there's some real bitterness and resentment going on, could it be that you don't feel like there is a "joint interest" in what he's trying to accomplish?
If that is the case, I recommend you bringing that up to him. And, if need be, that the two of you get into some counseling so that you can figure out how to get on the same page.
Are Your Wants and Needs Met in Other Ways?
For better or for worse (pun intended and not intended at the same time), it's becoming more common for wives to make more money than their husbands do. I recently read a study that said 38 percent of women make more money than men. Some of my clients fall into this demographic. But you know what? Most of the wives don't complain to me that their pay stub is higher than their husbands. No, their bigger issue is, if they are going to be making more income, they would like their husband to "make up for it" in other ways. Cook more. Help with the kids more. Plan dates. They especially would like this to be the case if their husband is working less hours or, the difference in pay is because he is working to get his dream off of the ground.
Personally, I think if there was one word that could be used to describe what a lot of wives would like to feel if they are financially supporting their husband's dreams, it's "appreciation". And a great way for husbands to show their appreciation is for them to know what their wife's wants and needs are and then be proactive about meeting them.
After all, it's only more work to come home and then feel like you have to nag or even beg your spouse to help out (or help out more). But if you feel like you're being taken care of in other ways than monetarily, the financial sacrifice won't seem quite as…strenuous.
Do You See “Light” at the End of the Tunnel?
I know some husbands who, basically since I've known them, they've been at home, "building their dreams" while their wives have been making sure the family doesn't get evicted in the process. I don't know how any man can feel good about himself with his household running this way. If we're going to bring the Bible back into this, I say that based on the King James Version of I Timothy 5:8 which says, "But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel" (which connects to Genesis 3:17-19).
Yet, even outside of the Word, a part of what comes with being an adult is being self-sufficient; if a man is relying on his wife for food and shelter for years on end, he is not living like an adult should. Adults are who should be married. Right?
If you're a wife reading this, a year of your man getting a vision or enterprise off of the ground is one thing. Ten years is something else. If you've just begun the journey of financially supporting your husband's dream(s), remember that love is patient (I Corinthians 13:4) and nothing happens in a day. If it's been years, whether your husband realizes (or acknowledges) it or not, you are being taken advantage of. If he were single, he'd have a job, right? Being married doesn't mean he should throw caution to the wind and just do…whatever. When he married you, he signed up to have your back as you have his. He also signed up for you being a top priority; his dreams shouldn't have you pressed and stressed all of the time. That's not loving you. Not. At. All.
I started this article off with something that I heard R&B singer Monica say on T.I. & Tiny: Friends & Family Hustle not too long ago. She was speaking in the context of marriage, in general. I thought it was fitting because, to have a man who is a dreamer—more specifically, a dream implementer—can be a beautiful thing. A respectable thing. Just make sure that your man loves you enough to where he's not taking your support, your understanding and/or your resources for granted. If he's got timeframes, if he's meeting your needs, and if he's holding you down in the process, he isn't. You'll look up and realize that it was all worth it in the long run. On the flip side, if he's not doing any of this, again, call a therapist because it's costing you more than you should ever have to pay—for his dreams or otherwise. Simple as that. And you can, pun intended, totally take that to the bank.
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10 Communication Mistakes Many Married Couples Make
If Your Husband's The One With The Lower Libido, Do This.
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At the beginning of the year, we are being shown how significant 2025 will be for love. From March 1, 2025, until April 12, 2025, Venus, the planet of love and relationships, will be retrograde. Venus goes retrograde approximately every 18 months and hasn’t been retrograde since the Summer of 2023. With love taking a step back at the beginning of the year, we move through a time of understanding the emotional world better and letting go of trying to control outcomes here.
What Does 2025 Have in Store for Love?
It’s time to refocus your relationship priorities overall, and with this retrograde happening in both Aries and Pisces, Aries being the first sign of the zodiac and Pisces being the last; there is a chapter we are closing and a new one we are walking into.
Another significant factor that is influencing relationships this year, is Jupiter’s entry into Cancer. Jupiter brings blessings, abundance, luck, and expansion, and in water sign Cancer, brings these gifts to your emotions. Cancer rules emotional safety, foundations, close loved ones, family, support, and emotional well-being, and with Jupiter in this sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, we experience blessings in stability within love. This is a good year for building stronger foundations in love, aligning with those who are loyal and supportive, knowing what you need emotionally, and being a lot clearer on it.
Letting Go of the Past: The Astrological Theme of 2025
Overall, the guideline for the year when it comes to love is to focus on the bigger picture and let things work themselves out without forcing them to. Magic will come in for you this year when you can assess your needs and wants, let go of illusions or smoke and mirrors, and focus on the things you want for yourself rather than what you don’t. Your focus and beliefs on love are the priority right now, and things will be coming full circle for the better.
Read below to see your personal 2025 love forecast. Read for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
ARIES
2025 is one of the more significant years for you, Aries. A lot of the major transits are happening in your sign, which includes Venus retrograde in Aries at the beginning of the year, Neptune in Aries from March 2025 until 2039, and Saturn in Aries from May 2025 until 2028. Not to mention, Chiron, the wounded healer is currently in your sign until 2027.
What this means for you when it comes to love, is that you have learned a lot about where you want to be here, and it’s the year to implement more of these tools and knowledge of the heart.
This year for love is about honoring your integrity and what you need personally to thrive in life and creating that space to let it in. You need someone who will be there for you through whatever you are experiencing in life and not someone who adds to these challenges. This year is a time of rising above, and choosing better for yourself.
TAURUS
2025 for you when it comes to love, is all about perspective and taking better care of your heart, Taurus. Uranus, the planet of change, rebellion, progress, and upheaval, has been in your sign since 2019, and this year you get a break from all of the surprises. From Jul. 7, 2025, until Nov. 7, 2025, Uranus leaves your sign and enters Gemini, giving your mind and your heart some time to breathe.
This year you are being given the opportunity to see things for what they are, rather than what you fear them to be. You are able to see your relationship dynamics clearer, allowing you to feel more confident in what you are building and creating for yourself in this area of your life. What you are working on this year is letting go of overthinking, and allowing things to play out the way they are meant to in love.
GEMINI
This year you are feeling in balance when it comes to love, Gemini. Relationships are important to you in life overall, as you are a relationship-oriented sign, but it can be difficult at times to keep the balance and perspective here. This year, with lucky Jupiter in your sign until June, you have the opportunity to be blessed with some fortunate circumstances personally and within romance.
You are feeling yourself this year, and this is attracting you success and new opportunities within love.
Uranus will also be in your sign this year from Jul. 7 until Nov. 7, and some surprises are in store for you. Pay attention to what happens in your love life during this period, as similar themes will be coming back around for you when Uranus officially enters its Gemini transit from 2026 - 2032. Overall, this year is about balancing what’s coming and going in love, and finding your peace within your inner confidence for it all.
CANCER
2025 for you, Cancer, is about stability in love. You are growing emotionally from the ground up, and are feeling a sense of support, confidence, romance, and receptivity in your love life this year. You are one of the lucky signs of 2025, and this is due to Jupiter, the planet of blessings, entering your sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026. While Jupiter is in your sign, your life expands and you are able to see the gifts of your world that may have been harder to come by previously.
This is a year of spending more time with your loved ones and feeling more heard and supported emotionally. Safety and security are especially important to you this year, and you are only entertaining the people who feel that way about you and provide that. Many Cancers will be expanding their families this year or developing a long-term relationship, and overall this is a year of feeling stronger when it comes to love.
LEO
When it comes to love this year for you, Leo, it’s about trusting your intuition and listening more to what your heart is telling you. There are not many major transits happening in Leo in 2025, which means there is a lot of room to grow, but you may be feeling a lack of support or encouragement to do so. A lot of Leos are taking a step back to look at where they are currently in love, and yearning for some change and a new direction here.
Neptune will be in your 9th house of adventure for most of this year, and you are being asked to get inspired and do things differently, but don’t take unnecessary risks in love that may not serve you in the long run.
It can be easy to get lost in the fantasy of love rather than the actual reality you’ll live in here, and taking more time to understand yourself, your relationships, and the dynamics in your love life will be necessary. Overall, your heart is healing this year and you are moving away from the past and creating your new future.
VIRGO
This year when it comes to love, you are going through changes that are aligning you closer to your goals and dreams here, Virgo. You are focused on making things work that you want to see bloom, and also letting go of putting effort into people that aren’t reciprocating the same energy. With the North Node entering your sister sign Pisces and the South Node moving into your sign from Jan. 11, 2025, until Jul. 26, 2026, you are doing a lot of letting go over the next year.
However, with the North Node being in your 7th house of love, new doors and gifts are also opening up for you and your partnerships. The more you can let go of perfection and overworking your mind and your heart, the more blessings you will experience when it comes to love this year. In 2025, you also have two Eclipses in your sign, and there are overall a lot of changes Virgos are moving through this year. Your main guidance for love is to stand by the things that serve your heart and release yourself from what burdens it.
LIBRA
Love is coming to fruition for you this year, Libra. You have been through a lot in your personal life these past few years, and walking into 2025, you are ready for some positive change. This is a year of feeling in balance with your personal goals and dreams, and what you are experiencing romantically and financially as well. Relationship dynamics are serving you and your sense of abundance, and many gifts are coming your way in love this year.
With Neptune, Chiron, and Saturn all being in your 7th house of love, your love life and partnerships are the main focus for you in 2025.
You are moving through changes, overcoming previous obstacles, and bringing back the dreamy energy here. With Chiron in the 7th, you are still doing some healing of the heart, but with Neptune now entering, it all feels a little more romantic and spiritual at the same time. This year is about believing in the impossible in love, taking care of yourself, and allowing someone else to take care of you as well.
SCORPIO
This year is all about opportunity when it comes to love, Scorpio. You have your eyes on the prize and are focused on what you want for yourself, but also how you want to show up for love as well. You have goals and intentions that you are setting for your love life this year, and a lot of them reflect the passion and strength you are feeling as you enter the year. Vesta is in your sign this year until September, and you have a spark within you that is a magnet for success and love. You are walking forward confidently and are feeling inspired, sexy, and magical this year.
This is a very sensual and powerful year for you, and this energy is being reflected in the relationship experiences you are having. Jupiter also enters your 9th house of adventure halfway through the year, and there is something special about the trips you are taking and the risks you are taking in love. Overall, this is a year of doing things your way and attracting love to you through your inner confidence and charisma.
SAGITTARIUS
This is a beautiful year of feeling balanced and abundant in love, Sagittarius. There is a lot of energy coming in and you are giving a lot of love as well. This sense of synergy you are feeling within your love life this year has a lot to do with Juno, the asteroid of soulmates, in your sign from Feb. 19 - Apr. 15. Your people are coming in and you have options this year, Sag.
This is a year of feeling loved for the inspiring, outgoing, and unique being you are, and meeting more people who match your energy.
Saturn also enters your 5th house of romance this year, and you are learning a lot through your experiences with others. You are learning how to be more confident in who you are and what you want for yourself and also recognizing the importance of making more time for fun and playful experiences. This is the year to see love as a more light-hearted experience and to not take yourself too seriously.
CAPRICORN
You are letting things come to you when it comes to love this year, Capricorn. You are feeling beautiful, capable, and worthy, and you are receiving the gifts that come from this sense of confidence and patience. This past year, you were setting a lot of new goals for yourself and your relationships, and in 2025, you are experiencing the results of these efforts.
Jupiter moves into your sister sign Cancer from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, and enters your 7th house of love, partnerships, romance, marriage, and harmony. Your love life and experience of it all are expanding this year, and benevolent Jupiter is sending blessings to this area of your life. This is a year of things coming full circle for you in love, and you feel less confused about it all and more sure of yourself and what is becoming for you here.
AQUARIUS
Love is a highlight for you this year, Aquarius. You are coming together with another, and many Aquarius’ will be forming new relationships or growing within a strong relationship. You are experiencing the fruition of your dreams in love, and are also able to heal and let go of past emotional experiences that have been overwhelming for you in the past.
The North Node enters your 12th house of closure this year, and you are motivated towards change, cleaning house, and releasing the cobwebs of the past.
You are walking into new emotional experiences with less baggage and self-doubt, and are experiencing a fresh start in love. This is a year of asking for what you need emotionally and receiving it. Love is coming in for you in harmonious and magical ways, and you are rewriting your story in love in 2025.
PISCES
You are moving through a lot of changes when it comes to love in 2025, Pisces. This is a year of closure, healing, and giving yourself a fresh start, and the way you enter the year will be a lot different than the way you end it. The North Node of Destiny enters your sign this year, and the South Node of Karma enters your 7th house of love. So, a lot of your focus this year is on your personal goals and path, and there may be some neglect or lack of focus on your relationships.
This can create some discord with those close to you, and your guidance for this year is to try to balance the personal successes and wins you are experiencing, with the love changes that also need your attention right now. Know that what leaves your life this year is being replaced by something better, and also know that your healing doesn’t need to have a timeline and you can take as much time as you need to grow. Overall, you are turning a new page in love in 2025.
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Dating men of higher social status shortened my tolerance for a lot of things I was convinced were normal. I blamed the universe for attracting undesirable men when it was my fault for allowing undesirable behavior. An interesting dichotomy between those guys and sugar daddies was the treatment I accepted.
It was easier to put my foot down with men of opulence because their privilege meant there was no limit to meeting my desires. Plus, recognizing my own worth made them (the good ones) want to treat me with the same high regard.
I’ll admit you don’t NEED to be an SB to enhance your dating style, but that’s the path I journeyed. It taught me how to be gracefully tough on men based on the simple fact that I’m invaluable. I’ll never convince anyone to be an SB, but feel free to pick a few gems I learned that might take your 2025 dating style to the next level.
Don’t overdo it by showing gratitude.
Let’s stop praising men for the bare minimum.
Yes, it’s okay to make a man feel affirmed but don’t let those affirmations come off too intensely, especially for things that require minimal effort. Don’t tell him about your ex never opening the passenger door for you, don’t brag about him being "The One" because he texted to make sure you got home safely, and most definitely don’t offer up the cat just because he paid a $150 dinner bill (give it because you want to, not out of obligation).
To be honest, I barely even say thank you when a man finds me attractive. “You are so beautiful.” I would respond, “Aww, you’re so sweet.” When he holds the door open, I graze his arm and smile.
Showing too much excitement about the bare minimum strokes his ego and draws a ceiling, which he doesn’t feel he needs to surpass. It tells him you’re not used to regular treatment, so you’ll be grateful for anything. Why do more than necessary? I like my men reflecting at the end of our date, thinking, “What can I do to impress her?”
Don’t stop having manners, though. Just keep it simple and move on.
There’s no such thing as “dating for potential.”
Hold my hand with this one.
There comes a time when the word “potential” shouldn’t be a part of your dating vocabulary. It’s nothing more than the encouragement of false hope. He’s not flaky with time because his schedule is too busy between balancing family and work. It’s because you’re not important enough to prioritize making time for.
He’s not stingy on dates because he’s having a rough time handling all his financial responsibilities. It’s because he’d rather spend his money on things that don’t involve you.
Trust me when I say men don’t date with potential in mind. Many of them hold themselves in very high regard with an “I can do better” mindset, and so should you. There’s A LOT of weight in the saying, “If he wanted to he would.” So stay away from Mr. Shoulda Coulda Woulda because, at the end of the day, he didn’t.
*P.S. If he ever says he doesn’t deserve you, he’s not being sheepishly humble. Take his word for it and run.
Do NOT be afraid to say no.
How many times have you put yourself through something you didn’t want to do based on feeling obligated? You compromised yourself in order to please the person you’re dating because it seemed like the easier option. Let me just remind you of the old saying, “Nothing good in life comes easy.”
I like comparing men to children, not to demean them but to draw similarities. Children often like to push and see how much they can get away with until the parent says no. Once you allow them to get away with one thing, they’ll nudge the limits to see how often they can skate by.
Dating is just like this. Get comfortable giving rejection. It can be an uncomfortable concept for some, so consider saying no and following it with a light reason. For example, “Do you want to come over and watch Netflix?” “No, I don’t feel comfortable going to strangers’ houses.” If his response is anything but understanding with a Plan B, on to the next.
Those boundaries were created to protect you. Any man who respects you will respect them too.
Don’t lay all your cards on the table.
When a man asks, “So what exactly are you looking for?” The vaguest response comes to mind.
It’s a common mistake to think men (not all) ask questions for unselfish reasons. That one, especially, is basically like asking for cheat codes to a game. Describing your idea of a perfect man, dating intentions, etc. allows him to know who he needs to morph himself into in order to get what he wants. Enter love bombing, physical intimacy, delusions of potential, then ghosting.
I’ve said the below on a few first dates and wasn’t surprised by how quickly the guys weeded themselves out.
"I’ve been having fun figuring things out as time goes on. There are times when I love going out to meet new people and times when I love cuddling up on the couch. It depends on how I’m feeling.”
I just said a whole lotta nothing, leaving it up to him to decipher. It’s open-ended, which forces him to show his intentions and let things play out naturally with as little manipulation as possible.
The first date defines how he views you.
This is where all those conversations leading up to this day come into play.
The perfect first date doesn’t only have to consist of 5-star dining and lavish wine collections. Those are merely perks. The perfect first date is valued based on how much effort he put in to show he’s been listening.
You’ve been dropping subtle hints that tulips are your favorite flowers. Did he show up empty-handed? You shared your discomfort with driving to far places at night. Did he book a 9 p.m. reservation somewhere 30 minutes away? You told him about your new venture into veganism. Did he take you to his favorite steakhouse?
These aren’t small things and they’re DEFINITELY not things for you to take on as a challenge. These could be easy signs of a life full of selfishness and laziness if shrugged off by the belief you should be satisfied with him making time for you.
Will taking my advice find you a husband faster? Who knows? But, ultimately, dating isn’t supposed to be an earnest search for a man. It should be a time of personal growth while sorting through experiences to find a partner who will appreciate the valuable woman you are.
Having high standards for yourself doesn’t make you difficult or unreasonable. To the right man, it definitely won’t make you undateable. Like I said before, nothing good in life comes easy.
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