Whenever I hear the church say something along the lines of, “I know God will give me [such and such] because he said that he will grant me the desires of my heart,” the first thing that comes to my mind is how unfortunate it is that church culture tends to make an Olympic sport out of editing Scripture to its own liking.
In this particular case, that resolve comes from Psalm 37:4 (NKJV); however, the entire verse says “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” Yeah, do the first part and then the second portion follows. Secondly, Jeremiah 17:9-10 tells us that “the heart is deceitful;” that’s because our heart is the “center of our emotions” — and emotions change all of the time.
So…if our feelings tend to lean into being fickle, why would God give us whatever our feelings want at any given time? Sounds pretty…unstable and unreliable if you ask me — and why would God cosign on anything that is like that? Want one more? James 4:3 (NKJV) states, “You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures” — uh-huh…that one is pretty self-explanatory.
Okay, so why the mini-sermon today? I’m just laying down some groundwork to consider as we dive into something that has been pretty popular as of late: the dating delusion calculator.
If you’re not familiar, it’s an online calculator that you can use to put in some basic things that you want in a mate to see what the probability is of you being linked to an individual who perfectly fits the bill. For instance, say that you desire a Black Christian man who’s between 30 and 40, has a bachelor’s degree, has no kids, is between 5’10” and 6’1”, isn’t obese, and makes around $100,000 annually. According to the calendar, the percentage of men who fit those criteria in the US? You ready (you’re not…LOL): that’s 0.00154% or 2,541 of 164,977,341 American men. Chile…CHILE.
Now, back to the God points, if you do believe in Him, your faith can definitely make great things happen. However, a Scripture that I like a lot is the Message Version of Ecclesiastes 7:18: “It’s best to stay in touch with both sides of an issue. A person who fears God deals responsibly with all of reality, not just a piece of it” — and the reality is sometimes what we call “standards,” if some hardcore facts and truth aren’t added in, they could lean into becoming semi-serious delusions if we’re all not careful.
Yeah, this isn’t one of those fairy tale kinds of pieces yet, if you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while, you know I’m not big on those anyway. This is more like a dose of reality; if you’re big on that, then keep reading. It could be the reality check that your dating life actually needs.
The Difference Between Standards and Delusion
GiphyI can’t even count how many times I’ve seen a woman on Instagram or TikTok talk about all of these things that she wants in a man, all the while claiming that they are “standards,” when actually, they sound more like unrealistic expectations or delusional thinking. Now, just so this all makes sense, let me define “standard” and “delusion” before expounding further:
Standard: a rule or principle that is used as a basis for judgment; an average or normal requirement, quality, quantity, level, grade, etc.; those morals, ethics, habits, etc., established by authority, custom, or an individual as acceptable
Delusion: a false belief or opinion; a fixed false belief that is resistant to reason or confrontation with actual fact.
So in order to really illustrate my point, let’s go with something on the physical tip first. Words cannot express how much I hear women say that they want a man who is at least 6’ tall, all the while calling it a “standard.” Based on what a standard actually is, how are you able to judge someone’s character or make a moral assessment about them based on their height alone? I mean, isn’t that what y’all try and push down men’s throats when it comes to women and their weight? And the thing is, height can’t be changed and isn’t a potential health risk. Know what else? Reportedly,only 15 percent of men in this country are 6’ or over.
Believe you me, I like a tall glass of chocolate oat milk (LOL) as much as the next woman. I’ll also say that most of the guys I’ve been with, on any level, have “scratched that itch” as far as 6’ and over goes. Know what else I’ll say? Tall in stature absolutely doesn’t mean tall in character, so to call height a standard when it’s really more like a preference is already semi-problematic if you’re looking for a good man. However, where it really gets tricky is if you will push a good person, someone who checks off all of your other boxes, aside simply because they are 5’9” in height. My dear, to move like that is delusional thinking — it is literally a false belief that you should overlook who is right in front of you (a fact) simply because they are a couple of inches shorter than you would like (a preference).
Let’s move beyond the physical. Say that you want a man who makes six figures. First of all, since equality is shouted out on the regular in these media streets, is that what you clear after taxes? What’s your own credit score? How much money do you have up in your savings account? Have you even thought about why 'six figures' matters so much? Could it be because you’ve allowed the media (especially social media) to program you into thinking that it’s the only way a man can be a good provider?
Whatever the reason may be, if you call a six-figure earner your standard when you’re not that yourself, couldn’t it be argued that you are a bit on the delusional side? I mean, because, real talk, the facts are that most men reach their peak earning years in their early 50s (check that outhere andhere), andonly 18 percent of individuals earn more than six figures; not only that, but those who do make that kind of money (unless it’s high six-figures) tend to live paycheck-to-paycheck just like everyone else.Not only that but the reality is Black men in America who are between 40-49 earn $41,600 (on average) while Black men in America between 50-59 earn around $51,000. If you’re going to bring facts and stats into the mix, the truth of the matter is it’s delusional for every woman to think that she’s going to get a six-figure earner and even more delusional to require what she, herself, is not.
If you put both examples (height and earnings) together, a STANDARD says that you want to be with someone who you are attracted to and who will be a consistent provider of the things that you need. DELUSION says, “I’m not even all of the things that I want yet in spite of what reality says, I’m going to ignore people who have 80 percent of what I’m looking for because I want a Prince Charming [who also isn’t real] to fall into my lap.”
Honestly, as triggering as the dating delusion calendar may be for a lot of people, that’s basically what it’s saying: that folks are coming up with a wish list like kids do for Christmas, believing that they can have it all — whether it even really makes a lot of sense or is rooted in reality or not. And then folks have the nerve to think that if they do factor reality into it all, somehow, they are settling. Amazing. Absolutely amazing.
Settling for less shouldn’t be about shallow things. Settling for less should be about convincing yourself that shallow things matter more than having a solid man who profoundly cares about you and who complements your life. Straight up.
Flexibility: The Key to Handling the Dating Game
GiphySo, what are you saying, Shellie? That I should marry some tiny guy who’s broke because that’s realistic? Listen, if that is what you choose to get out of ALL that I just said, then you are indeed choosing to do that. No, my points are as follows:
Make sure that you know the difference between a standard and a preference. Then make sure that your standards come before your preferences. If you meet an awesome man who adores you and is on the same page as you are as far as the future goes, to give him up for shallow reasons like he’s not 6’3” or making $125,000 a year is a delusional form of thinking. You already know what the stats say about finding that kind of guy (who is single); not only that but what do you expect to be the shelf life of a shallow set of desires? Ask some divorced folks you know who are willing to admit that they didn’t heed this kind of advice where it got them — and what they wish they had done differently.
Don’t demand that others be what you aren’t. Yeah, it’s mighty funny to me how folks will just toss 'six figures' and 'owning a home' out there like it’s nothing — only to find out that they barely make $50,000 and are hustling to pay rent for their apartment in the process. I’m telling you, nothing will humble you and get you out of your own dating delusions like striving to be the kind of person you want to date (check out “Before You Talk About What You 'Deserve'...Do You Know What That Even Means?”).
BE. FLEXIBLE. As I’m in the process of penning this third book of mine, it has caused me to take a few walks down memory lane. As I happened upon the Chicago Tribunedeath announcement of my late fiancé (whom I had never seen before this year), it got me to thinking about how much I would’ve missed out on (both while he was here and via the lessons that our relationship continues to teach me almost 30 years later) had I been INFLEXIBLE. Damien was a bit shorter (although still cleared 6’ — LOL), lighter, and a few other “ers” different than I was accustomed to, and sadly, I wasted a lot of our precious time by giving him quite a bit of initial pushback because of it.
Around the last 16 months of his life, I became less rigid and it was a true blessing…a billion times over. You know, it is the popular (and sometimes controversial) life coach Tony Robbins who once said, “Stay committed in your decisions, flexible in your approach” and no greater words have been spoken when it comes to dating.
Flexibility is about being open to 5’9” over 6’ (especially when you’re barely 5’5” yourself). Flexibility is about preferring an ambitious guy over a wealthy one. Flexibility is about dating the introvert to see if he balances out your extroverted qualities (someone needed to hear that). Flexibility is about being mature enough to know that if you can get the most important things from your list in a guy, you can compromise on the rest.
____
When I first happened upon what is known asthe dating delusion calculator for the first time, two sentences in the first paragraph are what made me even take it semi-seriously: “Are your romantic expectations in line with reality?” and “Using data from the US Census Bureau and the US CDC, we'll tell you if your expectations are reasonable and give you clarity in your quest for love.”
As I close all of this out, let me just say, for the record, that there is nothing wrong with wanting what you want. Demanding it without really getting real about it, though — that can end up working against you. Delusional thinking tends to do that. So, whatever it is that you want in a partner, just make sure that you are putting standards above preferences and factoring in reality to the mix. Oh, and that you are flexible in your approach. You’d be amazed where those three dating tweaks will get you — regardless of the 50 things on your list or what a calculator ultimately says. TRUST ME.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Alaska Wasn’t On My Bucket List, But My Glacier Adventure Made Me A Believer
We all have bucket list destinations at the top of our lists. I visited one of those at the top of 2024: Japan! But what happens when you get an opportunity to go someplace that wasn’t on it? For me, that was Alaska. Now, I’d submitted my short film to the Anchorage International Film Festival, genuinely thinking it would be a long shot to get in with a short film about fibroids and Black women’s health.
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
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Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert