When it comes to living a life of purpose, hands down, one of my favorite quotes is by Ralph Waldo Emerson: "The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well." It truly can’t be said enough that being consumed by only what makes you happy could actually have you out here NOT living your best life. Why? Because happiness is fleeting, oftentimes fickle, and sometimes even selfish.
Living out your purpose, though — even when it means doing some things that will sometimes make you uncomfortable, requires great sacrifices and encourages you to grow in ways that you wouldn’t otherwise. That will always and forever be worth it. Why? Because fulfilling your purpose is why you’re here. Literally.
So, as you’re in the process of looking over these past 12 months in preparation for the next 12 that lie ahead, I want to urge you to have a conversation with yourself — yes, about your purpose. Because if you make the time to focus on it, above all else, I believe that it will boost your self-esteem and confidence, help you to concentrate on things that truly matter in the now and for the future, and it will cause you to effectively realign your priorities too.
Are you ready to pull out your journal (or phone so that you can record some voice notes) so that you can do some very necessary purpose-themed soul-searching?
What Is My Purpose?
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Former UN secretary Kofi Annan once said, “To live is to choose. But to choose well, you must know who you are and what you stand for, where you want to go, and why you want to get there.” I really like this quote because it’s a reminder that 1) when it comes to the quality of life that we end up having, most of it has to do with the choices that we make, and 2) you can’t choose as well as you should if you don’t factor your purpose into your decisions.
Y’all, for as long as I have breath in my body, I will declare that NOTHING and NO ONE should cause you to compromise your purpose because, by definition, your purpose is “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” So, before you close this year out, be honest: Do you know what your purpose is? If you don’t, this is the season to be super intentional about figuring it out. For starters, you can do that by asking yourself the following questions:
- What are you passionate about?
- What problems do you want to solve?
- What puts you into a state of bliss?
- What causes you to completely lose track of time?
- What do you do rather easily that is a semi-struggle for others?
- What almost seamlessly incorporates your gifts as well as your talents?
- What brings out the best in your entire being: mind, body, and spirit?
- What do you enjoy that isn’t solely or even mostly motivated by money?
- What feels like it spiritually elevates you and results in you helping others?
- What would cause you to leave behind a legacy that you can be proud of?
So many people are out here in the wrong job, with the wrong person, doing the wrong things with their time and it’s all because they prioritize everything in life BUT their purpose — and that is truly tragic. Again, if you don’t know your purpose, now is the time to figure it out (even if that means getting a life coach for a season). However, if you do, write a mission statement for what you want to do within your purpose this coming year.
Which brings me to the next point.
What Have I Done This Year to Elevate My Purpose?
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Another definition of purpose is “an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal” — and indeed, one of my favorite things about living a life in and on purpose is that purpose will never keep you stagnant; it will always motivate and inspire you to come up with new ideas, plans, and missions. And so, as you reflect on the past 12 months, what are (at least) five things that you can say you did to elevate your purpose?
For example, because I am someone who also believes that you should be able to explain/express your purpose in three words or phrases, and since mine are “marriage, sex, and the biblical Sabbath,” the five things that I did to “go to a higher place” (elevate) in those areas is to write another book, get more clients, pick some platforms to support that share a similar agenda, do more podcast interviews (to get the word about my purpose out) and I’m building a site as well.
When you know what your purpose is, you also know that amplifying its voice isn’t about you; it’s about bettering mankind in the way that you were specifically and specially created to do. Jotting down some distinct ways that you took your own purpose to another level will help you acknowledge some areas of growth and provide insight into what you need to do for the next 12-month cycle.
What People, Places, Things and/or Ideas Complement My Purpose?
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When it comes to making wise life choices, “complement” truly is one of my all-time favorite words (check out “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life”). Y’all, it takes a lot of self-awareness, maturity, and even self-surrender to accept the fact that you can love and like a lot of people and things in this life that you really shouldn’t take along in your journey (at least on an intimate level) if they are not going to complement your purpose. When someone or something complements you, by definition, they literally help to complete you.
No, not in the rom-com kind of way. It’s more like they are puzzle pieces that fit well into your overall life picture; they do this by 1) providing encouragement and/or support; 2) being the “work” friends that Aristotle spoke of (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility,’ ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”) and/or; 3) holding you accountable to your purpose-related goals and/or; 4) offering connections and/or resources that will aid in fulfilling your purpose and/or; 5) helping you in ways that keep spiritually grounded and emotionally healthy and/or, 6) fueling you to keep going in your purpose.
I can’t tell you how many couples I have worked with who have struggled, A LOT, and a big part of it is because they chose a partner who they deeply care about yet doesn’t even begin to complement their purpose (shoot, sometimes their partner doesn’t even respect it — SMDH). Please hear me when I say that it is a peak form of spiritual disobedience and personal betrayal to delay purpose-fulfillment for anyone or anything.
That said, the folks who have “held you down” in the purpose arena, the places, things, and ideas that have inspired you — thank the people and revisit some of the motivators. Anyone or thing who helps to keep you focused on your purpose deserves some heartfelt gratitude.
What People, Places, Things and/or Ideas Are Hindering Purpose Manifestation?
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Ask anyone who is thriving in their purpose, and they will tell you that it came with quite a bit of sacrifice. Sacrifice is also a word that I like a lot because it literally means to give up something good for something greater — and if you read in between the lines when it comes to that, sometimes you are gonna have to release some people, places, things and/or ideas that might seem good or even feel right because they simply aren’t a good “purpose fit”…whether it’s right now or…ever.
For me, there have been some people in my life who I like a lot; still, I’ve had to shift them out of my space because they want to debate my purpose or have me prove to them what my purpose is. I don’t have time to make you believe that I know what my purpose is; that is a complete and total waste of time. An example of this is a guy friend who I had to let go because he was constantly challenging me on how much I talk about sex due to his own hang-ups on the topic; meanwhile, I’ve got married folks who are consistently telling me that they’ve received great ah-ha moments on intimacy due to my research and writing on the subject matter.
Also, there are some leisure activities that I’ve had to participate in less because they are counterproductive to my purpose. Listen, when you know that your life’s work is to (for instance) help people have a healthy marriage and sex life, you don’t need to be consuming a lot of toxic information or energy — whether it’s on or offline.
So, take a moment to reflect on who and what has been more of a hindrance than some actual help this year as it directly relates to your purpose. Just for the record, to hinder is to obstruct, prevent, burden, delay, interfere, thwart, and even slow down. Oh, and if you are currently dating someone who you know these words apply, please end the relationship. You can’t move forward, in a beneficial way, with someone who is keeping you from fulfilling your purpose instead of empowering you to do so (someone really needed to hear that, too!).
What Are Five Things That I Can Do in the Next Six Months to Benefit/Further My Purpose?
If you’ve never taken a chronotype quiz before (here), make this the day that you do. Long story short, it’s a test that helps you to learn a lot about your sleep patterns as well as the time of day when you are the most productive based on different animals: lions get most done during the morning between 8 a.m.-noon, bears, and dolphins are at their best between 10 a.m.-2 p.m. and wolves shine between noon-9 p.m.
When I discovered that I was a lion, it helped me to accomplish more because, honestly, I tend to be the most productive and focused between like 6 a.m. and 10 a.m., which is probably why I like a quote that I once read so much: “Any man who doesn’t finish half of his day’s duty by 10:00 a.m. has wasted the day.”
It came from an article that said that there are certain things that you can do to get 10 years’ worth of time within 12 months. I agree because once you know what your purpose is, how to refuel and rejuvenate your system by getting the right amount of rest and which time of the day you are most productive — you can do the following things that further your purpose on a whole ‘nother level:
Put together a plan that includes some short and long-term goals for your purpose; create a budget to get those goals accomplished; seek out some resources that will support you in executing your plan; set aside some funds to take a break from all of your “purpose work” (check out “How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'”), and get an accountability partner who can check on you every six months to make sure that all of this has been properly executed.
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A new year is literally a few moments away at this point. In the midst of all of the other plans that you may have, please put your goals for your purpose at the very top of your list.
You will never go wrong with focusing on why you were put on this planet…for such a time as this. I promise you that.
Happy (Almost) New Year, y’all!
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Anyone who remembers the movie (and sequel) isn’t shocked by that because those two had trust issues to the 10th power — and that’s kind of why I’m starting this article out by bringing them up. As far as what you should think long and hard about before getting all up in your partner’s phone, I’ve covered that before in the article, “Before You Go Through His Phone, You Should Know What The Law Says About It.” Today, though, let’s talk about whether or not it’s a good idea for you and your partner to follow each other on social media.
Because although you might think this is a “duh” kind of topic, it actually…isn’t.
Here’s What Data Says About Social Media and Relationships
GiphyLet’s start all of this with a brief social media history lesson.
If you’re someone who happens to remember the social media platform Six Degrees, I’m impressed because it’s considered to be the first solid evidence of social media; the real ones are going to recall that Black Planet made its way into cyberspace in 1999 (a couple of years after Six Degrees). By the early 2000s, we had MySpace, Friendster, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, and even LinkedIn. Before we knew it, by 2015, at least 65 percent of Americans had at least one social media platform with almost 70 percent of them hanging out on Facebook alone. This meant that now, more than ever, folks had access to more information and individuals at one time than ever before — and as with most things in life, there were pros and cons to that.
Since today, what we’re focusing on is the impact that social media can have on long-term romantic relationships, I’ll share some of the downsides of it when it comes to things like marriage.
Whether it’s jealousy, insecurity, infidelity, having unrealistic expectations, making unfair comparisons, or even experiencing low-key paranoia, sadly, we are now at a point where some studies say that social media is a top issue (if not a main cause) in at least one-third of divorces (other studies say that social media significantly impacts one in seven divorces and a particular study even cited that Facebook plays a huge role in one in five divorces).
And although some of these situations can be debated based on what one’s personal perception is (for instance, one study says that 45 percent of Americans consider their partner following an ex on social media to be a form of infidelity), one thing that I think we all can agree on is social media has proven that it can complicate matters, as far as relationships go.
So, while keeping all of this in mind, what do research and relationship experts say when it comes to whether you should get a front-row seat to whatever may be happening on your partner’s social media pages?
Well, this HuffPost article features a woman who says that she and her man spend enough time together offline that engaging online isn’t really necessary. Independent’s article, “If you love someone, don’t follow them on social media” shares that social media can easily get you caught up in the “un-realness” of it all that your relationship could end up becoming a soap opera without you even noticing it.
A relationship expert who was featured in Men’s Health’s “Stop Following Your Significant Other on Social Media” article said that if your relationship already has some pressures and stress in it, social media isn’t going to do it any favors. Plus, it can negatively impact how two people in a relationship communicate with one another.
Hmph. Sounds to me like you and your bae following each other online seems like it could ultimately do more harm than good. And although this certainly doesn’t apply to everyone, I do think there are some things that you should really ponder before requiring this in your own relational dynamic.
Know Your WHY
GiphyWanna get to the root of why you want or are about to do something? Know your why. “Knowing your why” basically consists of figuring out the true motives and/or underlying reasons for why you’re about to say or do something — and when it comes to following your partner on social media, you should definitely spend some time contemplating this.
If you need a bit of help with figuring your true why out, in the business world, there is something known as “the five whys” (some use “5” instead). It’s basically about resolving a problem by asking enough whys that will help you to get to the root of it.
For instance, if I said to you, “Why do you think that you and your partner should follow each other on social media?” and you said, “Because I want to be aware of what they are doing on there,” then my next question would be “And why is that?” and if you said something like, “Because I trust my man but I don’t trust the strangers that he engages with” (if you trust him, that should be enough, by the way) and then I said, “And why is that?” and you say, “Because one time I went on his page and saw some comments from people that I didn’t know and it bothered me” and I say, “Why?” and you say, “Because it reminded me of a time when an ex cheated on me and I never really got over it” and I follow up with a fifth why, “And you say, because, deep down, I think all men are unfaithful” — BAM, we just got to the root cause of WHY you want to follow your partner and it actually has little to do with wanting to engage in some light online fun and entertainment.
Accepting that why can help you to work through some issues that you are putting on social media that actually don’t have a ton to do with it (or your partner) at all.
Now, am I saying that every person who follows “their person” online has some deep-rooted issues? Absolutely not. Some couples follow each other and don’t think any more about it beyond following any other person who they care about. All I’m saying is if you are unbending about doing it, you should look into what that is all about. Your “why” could be quite telling.
Social Media Could Possibly Jack Up Your Intimacy
GiphySomething that kind of irks me is when people say that social media is not the real world. Chile, being social is real and media is real, and if it was just play-play, why are so many folks so consumed with and by it? Just like there can be “fake folks” at your job, in your church, and even in your social circles offline, there can sho ‘nuf be disingenuous individuals out in the social media streets; however, that doesn’t mean that social media isn’t…REAL. And the reality is that people, on average, spend somewhere around 2.5 hours daily on social media.
And if one of the people who you are “checking for” online is your partner, that can waste precious time that the two of you could be spending together. It can also cause you to communicate more online than face-to-face. Don’t believe me? Chile, I can’t BELIEVE how many clients I’ve had who argue via text. SMDH. You can’t read tone in text. Messages are oftentimes abbreviated in text. Lawd, although text was created to be a “get to the point” convenience via cell phones, it was never supposed to replace authentic communication and dialogue about serious matters. And for some people, social media pretty much does the same thing.
Couples will “fight” on social media. Couples will throw passive-aggressive shots on social media. Couples will get mad at each other and then DM each other based on things that they saw on each other’s pages via social media. Does any of that sound healthy to you?
Another way that social media can mess your relationship up? Not too long ago, I was talking to an older married man about why divorce rates seem to be higher now than back in his day. He tickled me when he said, “We used to miss our spouses because we weren’t on the phone or on some damn computer interacting with each other all damn day long.” He’s got a point. If you’re engaging, one way or another, with your partner throughout the day, that could result in you having little to say once you get home. That’s not good.
Some other things to consider when it comes to being connected on social media: well, while reading an article on a legal mediator’s website about how social media can cause breakdowns in marriage, the author said that it can be due to things like unwarranted jealousy via comparing yourself to other people, trying to control your partner’s social media (or how they choose to engage in it) and/or misinterpretations that can cause conflict (like getting mad when they like a picture or misreading an emoji that someone puts in the comments).
Drama. All this drama that could be avoided if you both agreed to let social media be one thing separately so that the two of you can build a solid foundation and spend some genuine quality time offline.
When It Comes to Healthy and Long-Lasting Relationships, Privacy Is King
GiphyAnother reason to not follow your partner online: is to keep everything private. Think that isn’t a valid point? Well, Hip-hop artist Method Man has been married to his wife, Tamika for 24 years (this year) and he has said on multiple occasions that the key to marital success is not to talk about your relationship. Actor Morris Chestnut will celebrate 30 years of marriage in 2025 to his wife, Pam and he has also said that “It’s best to keep my private life under wraps because the more you put out there, the more stories get made up.” (Interestingly enough, he also once said that flirting on social media is a deal-breaker.)
Actor Kerry Washington has been married to her husband, Nnamdi Asomugha since 2013 and they are also notorious for not discussing their relationship. Reportedly, she once told Glamour, “I have girlfriends in this business who talk about their personal lives, and it works for them, and I love it. But not for me. I learned through experience that it doesn’t work for me to talk about my personal life.” And y’all, I don’t really get how privacy is effectively and consistently maintained if you and your partner are all up on and in each other’s social media all of the time.
Indeed, if you want to set (and maintain) healthier boundaries, keep outside influences down to a minimum, and reduce the amount of opinions, perceptions, and negativity from infiltrating your relational bond — privacy is king. Online as well as off.
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Chile, I already know — some of y’all read all of this and you’re not budging. LOL. You’re going to require that you and your partner follow each other on social media and that’s all there is to it. To each their own. I just hope that you at least now see that there is a method in the madness of opting not to do it and it could actually bring more peace to your relationship by choosing not to do so.
Besides, no one said that you need to block each other. I simply said to consider the benefits that come from them not popping up in your feed nonstop. I mean, you do have each other’s number and you are a huge part of each other’s lives, right? In a healthy and solid relationship, for many…that is more than enough.Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
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