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Who Cares About Being A Man's 'Best'? Focus On Becoming His Favorite.
I’m gonna be honest: It’s topics like the one that we’re about to get into today that really do make grandma’s (actually, these days, with the way our society is going, it’s probably more like great-grandma’s) pearls of wisdom really hit home on a whole ‘nother level. What I mean by that is, have you really ever stopped to think about how less chaotic relationships — and our culture at large, if we’re gonna be really real — would be if more folks actually waited until marriage to have sex? Or shoot, how about just not treating it like some random recreational activity?
As someone who has worked with couples for close to 20 years at this point, I can’t tell you how many folks underestimated just how important — critical even — intimacy is in a marriage, how much it differs from partners that they date, and how their past sexual decisions really do influence their long-term relationship in ways that they never would’ve predicted or imagined. Y’all, no matter what your preferred media medium of choice may tell you,statistics continue to prove that lower body counts really do decrease the chances of divorce; that’s not “shaming,” it’s reality.
That said, what’s an unexpected thing that may complicate your sex life with your partner if you’re not careful? Being consumed with whether you’re the best that he’s ever had or not. Yeah, it’s not the kind of topic that you tend to see all over cyberspace, yet it is something that most — if not all — women have wondered…sometimes to the point of creating unnecessary stress and potential drama in their relationship because they can’t seem to let the query go.
Let’s get free today from it, though.
A Recap on What “Best” Means
Although it’s been five years since I wrote, “Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again,” and even though quite a few things in my life have changed since that time when it comes to that particular resolve, I’m firmer than I’ve ever been. Aside from being, as I oftentimes say, “too old for a ‘boy’ anything” — I don’t see a lot of benefits from acting like you’re married when you’re actually not (which is how most people do boyfriend/girlfriend relationships these days). If I’m gonna get that deeply involved again, I’ll need a ring and his last name, please. Otherwise, I’m good. Better than that, even.
That doesn’t mean that the boyfriends from my past haven’t left me with some real gems, though. For instance, while a part of me wishes that I could take the credit for today’s conversation, it’s actually my last boyfriend who introduced the concept of a sexual favorite being more important than a sexual best. How did the topic come about? It’s simple: my dumb-ass decided to ask him if I was his best or not.
Why do I put it that way? Because, just like those ridiculous hypothetical questions, scenarios, and scruples that I see so many women present to their man online, ones that typically stir up nothing more than hurt feelings or arguments that could have been fully avoided, the same goes for the “best” discourse. I mean, if both of you had other partners, why do you want to put yourself through the stress of knowing who was (potentially) better than you?
Or any of the other words that define best:
Best: of the highest quality, excellence, or standing; most advantageous, suitable, or desirable
Synonyms: outstanding, perfect, first-rate, 10, incomparable, baddest, leading, unequal, matchless, beyond compare
GOODNESS. Now, when you put this in a sexual context, as if the definitions aren’t intimidating enough, a lot of different factors can come into what qualifies someone as being another person’s best — the sexual chemistry may be off the charts. Maybe it was a one-night stand that was a random best. Perhaps some techniques were learned that created a type of pleasure that was one’s best.
Or, as my ex explained to me, when he gently (I mean, as gently as you can when it comes to something like this) told me that no, I wasn’t his “best.” There was a partner from his past who was, let’s go, with the word “customizable” because she didn’t have a lot of sexual history or experience. And so, since he was introducing her to a lot about sex was all about, that also meant that she was meeting his specific needs, and so — that made her his best.
And while, at first, it was a little jarring to hear that, with as much time we had put into the relationship and, honestly, how much sex we had been having up until the point of the conversation, I have to admit that not only did he make perfect sense, it wasn’t like he was my best either. Nah, I had to go on a “get my heart pieces back” tour (you can read more about that here, also check out “Let's Finally 'Spring Clean' ALL Of Our Exes Out Of Our Lives, Shall We?” when you get a chance as well) to get what, I think who I would still consider to be my best, out of my system, chile.
And what made “him” my best? I was over-the-top attracted to him. We both were very much in sync outside of the bedroom. He was curious and adventurous as hell. From the first time until the last one, there was no awkwardness or hesitation — lust was very present and strong. I can’t recall one time when I wasn’t euphorically satisfied. In fact, when we did catch up during my tour, we both talked about how we had to consciously “quit” each other in order to leave each other alone and “sexually detox” so to speak. That kind of sex? Yeah, it qualifies as best — no doubt about it.
Beyond me, though, even as I’m writing about all of this, I’m thinking about husbands who have told me that women other than their wives gave them their best fellatio and wives who have said that men other than their husbands have given them the most orgasms. If as you’re reading this, a part of you is like, how the hell can people trust each other to remain faithful or not feel intimidated if they don’t happen to be their partner’s best? Well, I do have an answer for you. You can thank my ex for it because it’s awesome.
Care less about being someone’s “best.” Care more about being (or becoming) their FAVORITE.
Now Here’s Why “Favorite” Should Be Your Ultimate Goal
I’ve been a full-time writer for most of my life; even before then, English and creative writing were classes that I fully enjoyed in school, so it’s not like I didn’t know what “favorite” meant before my ex and I talked about it. Still, in the way that he meant it, it was indeed the ultimate light bulb and ah-ha moment for me. Before I explain why, a recap of its definitions and some of its synonyms too:
Favorite: a person or thing regarded with special favor or preference; a person treated with special or undue favor by a king, official, etc.
Synonyms: beloved, cherished, treasured, choice, dear, intimate, sweetheart, adored, best-loved, main
Can you already see where this is going? Some strange woman who a man meets in a bar while he’s on vacation, who he goes up into a hotel room with and has a night of passionate sex with, it all could be something that he describes as “outstanding” and “first-rate.” Yet the woman to who he commits his life and only sleeps with her after marriage, he can see as “beloved” and their sex as “intimate.”
When you really want to build something with someone that is significant and lasting — which sounds better: best or favorite? And that’s what my boyfriend (at the time) was trying to convey.
The mechanics of sex with someone who came before me did make things damn near perfect for him, yet he enjoyed me because I was his choice, his main, and our experiences were cherished and very dear to him — so much so that he had no regrets or desires to exchange his past best for his (then) current favorite.
I mean, take it outside of sex to get a clearer view. One time, while I was on the road touring with an organization that I used to work with, I had some of the BEST beef ribs ever. Chile now? I can’t even tell you the name of the restaurant at this point; I just recall how the ribs made me feel at the time that I had them. My favorite, though? To tell you the truth, before Tony Roma’s went down ina major flood that Nashville had back in 2010, I would probably say it was theirs (the ones who know…know).
Now, though, I’ve mastered how to make some pretty tender and delicious (if I do say so myself) beef ribs at home, and so my homemade batches are what I consider to be my absolute favorite. They are so good that, while I remember some things about my best, I don’t long for them. I like the "favorite" more; they are my preference because that "best" experience…I don’t know if I can ever recreate that. My favorite? I’ve done it so many times and the results have been so consistent that I am beyond content. See my point?
Okay, so what about you hyper-cynical folks who think this is all a crock of bull and if you can’t be your man’s best, you don’t want anything at all? Well, first of all, you might want to get yourself a virgin (and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that) in order to significantly and realistically increase your odds of that being the case. Secondly — caring so much about being someone’s best is usually more about ego than intimacy anyway. Ask any married couple who has more than five wedding anniversaries under the belt, and I’m willing to bet some pretty good money that they will tell you that your bed doesn’t have enough for two people and two egos to fit into it.
Meaning, being someone’s best is a nice pat on the back, I won’t lie — yet if that’s your focus, you really can miss out on all of the beautiful things that can come with just resting in the fact that whether you will ever be someone’s best or not…you can always say, do and simply be things that will make you be/become their one-thousand-and-one-perfect favorite.
___
In fact, should my time to say “I do” ever come, being my husband’s best won’t even really matter to me. For one thing, I already know I ain’t no slouch (I’m kidding yet not — LOL) and so, knowing that he chose me, even above who may have been his best before me, that automatically makes me his favorite because, again, favorite means choice. And if you chose me…when it’s all said and done, that’s all that really matters.
Let “her” be his best in their season, chile.
Who cares?
He and I have a lifetime to remain one another’s favorite.
WE WIN. #wink
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
Step One: Bond Repair Collection Shampoo
Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Collection Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Collection Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy
'ACross Generations With Tiffany Cross' Gets Real About Daddy Issues In Latest Episode
In this week’s episode of ACross Generations with Tiffany Cross, a podcast where Black women from different generations tackle pressing subjects while sharing their experiences. The show's host, Tiffany Cross, along with guests Dr. Joy Ellington and Ariel B., delved into how their relationships with their fathers have influenced their personal lives.
An absent parent or a strained parent-child relationship, particularly between fathers and their children, can significantly affect an individual's life trajectory, especially their perception and formation of interpersonal relationships.
Research suggests that individuals grappling with paternal absence or conflict may exhibit various traits, including a constant need for validation, difficulty in communicating through problems, using sex to gain attention, and struggles with trust and abandonment, to name a few.
Historically, society has often associated absentee fathers primarily with the Black community. However, a recent study has challenged this narrative.
In a clip shared on the podcast's official Instagram account, Dr. Joy Ellington revealed insights into her quest for approval, a pattern she attributed to her strained relationship with her biological father—a dynamic that remained unresolved until his untimely passing.
"When people are seeking validation from someone else, be it from a father or whoever, you're weakened, she said. "You've given the control of your life to someone else, to their discretion. I can't afford to do that because I only have -- one life."
Despite the complex relationship with her biological father, Dr. Joy Ellington disclosed that she found the love and sense of wholeness she had been missing through her bond with her stepfather.
Further in the video, Ariel B., who was adopted and never met her biological father, reveals her struggle to differentiate between sex and love.
"I know that I struggle separating sex with love very bad," she stated. "I have girlfriends all the time that are just like, 'Oh, knock the dust off!' That sounds terrible. Just use it when you want to."
In response to this admission, Tiffany echoed Ariel B.'s sentiment, suggesting that understanding one's sexual behavior requires examining the underlying intentions.
"I'm actually a little envious. You're not trying to resolve some daddy issues. Like maybe you just have agency over your sexuality, and this is what you like to do,” she said.
Toward the end of the clip, Dr. Joy Ellington revealed that her upbringing in a predominantly male environment, coupled with her experiences with her biological father, has made it challenging for her to express emotions.
"I had a great aunt that had seven sons. I lived my life with them," she said. "It's hard for me to cry. I don't mind. I was never going to be that beggy woman. I don't need you, but I don't let the desire to dictate my feelings."
Discussions on these topics are crucial within the Black community because it allows individuals to uncover their traumas' root causes and begin the healing process.
For those interested in exploring this subject further, the full episode of Across Generations with Tiffany Cross is available now on its official YouTube page.