I’m gonna be honest: It’s topics like the one that we’re about to get into today that really do make grandma’s (actually, these days, with the way our society is going, it’s probably more like great-grandma’s) pearls of wisdom really hit home on a whole ‘nother level. What I mean by that is, have you really ever stopped to think about how less chaotic relationships — and our culture at large, if we’re gonna be really real — would be if more folks actually waited until marriage to have sex? Or shoot, how about just not treating it like some random recreational activity?
As someone who has worked with couples for close to 20 years at this point, I can’t tell you how many folks underestimated just how important — critical even — intimacy is in a marriage, how much it differs from partners that they date, and how their past sexual decisions really do influence their long-term relationship in ways that they never would’ve predicted or imagined. Y’all, no matter what your preferred media medium of choice may tell you,statistics continue to prove that lower body counts really do decrease the chances of divorce; that’s not “shaming,” it’s reality.
That said, what’s an unexpected thing that may complicate your sex life with your partner if you’re not careful? Being consumed with whether you’re the best that he’s ever had or not. Yeah, it’s not the kind of topic that you tend to see all over cyberspace, yet it is something that most — if not all — women have wondered…sometimes to the point of creating unnecessary stress and potential drama in their relationship because they can’t seem to let the query go.
Let’s get free today from it, though.
A Recap on What “Best” Means
GiphyAlthough it’s been five years since I wrote, “Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again,” and even though quite a few things in my life have changed since that time when it comes to that particular resolve, I’m firmer than I’ve ever been. Aside from being, as I oftentimes say, “too old for a ‘boy’ anything” — I don’t see a lot of benefits from acting like you’re married when you’re actually not (which is how most people do boyfriend/girlfriend relationships these days). If I’m gonna get that deeply involved again, I’ll need a ring and his last name, please. Otherwise, I’m good. Better than that, even.
That doesn’t mean that the boyfriends from my past haven’t left me with some real gems, though. For instance, while a part of me wishes that I could take the credit for today’s conversation, it’s actually my last boyfriend who introduced the concept of a sexual favorite being more important than a sexual best. How did the topic come about? It’s simple: my dumb-ass decided to ask him if I was his best or not.
Why do I put it that way? Because, just like those ridiculous hypothetical questions, scenarios, and scruples that I see so many women present to their man online, ones that typically stir up nothing more than hurt feelings or arguments that could have been fully avoided, the same goes for the “best” discourse. I mean, if both of you had other partners, why do you want to put yourself through the stress of knowing who was (potentially) better than you?
Or any of the other words that define best:
Best: of the highest quality, excellence, or standing; most advantageous, suitable, or desirable
Synonyms: outstanding, perfect, first-rate, 10, incomparable, baddest, leading, unequal, matchless, beyond compare
GOODNESS. Now, when you put this in a sexual context, as if the definitions aren’t intimidating enough, a lot of different factors can come into what qualifies someone as being another person’s best — the sexual chemistry may be off the charts. Maybe it was a one-night stand that was a random best. Perhaps some techniques were learned that created a type of pleasure that was one’s best.
Or, as my ex explained to me, when he gently (I mean, as gently as you can when it comes to something like this) told me that no, I wasn’t his “best.” There was a partner from his past who was, let’s go, with the word “customizable” because she didn’t have a lot of sexual history or experience. And so, since he was introducing her to a lot about sex was all about, that also meant that she was meeting his specific needs, and so — that made her his best.
And while, at first, it was a little jarring to hear that, with as much time we had put into the relationship and, honestly, how much sex we had been having up until the point of the conversation, I have to admit that not only did he make perfect sense, it wasn’t like he was my best either. Nah, I had to go on a “get my heart pieces back” tour (you can read more about that here, also check out “Let's Finally 'Spring Clean' ALL Of Our Exes Out Of Our Lives, Shall We?” when you get a chance as well) to get what, I think who I would still consider to be my best, out of my system, chile.
And what made “him” my best? I was over-the-top attracted to him. We both were very much in sync outside of the bedroom. He was curious and adventurous as hell. From the first time until the last one, there was no awkwardness or hesitation — lust was very present and strong. I can’t recall one time when I wasn’t euphorically satisfied. In fact, when we did catch up during my tour, we both talked about how we had to consciously “quit” each other in order to leave each other alone and “sexually detox” so to speak. That kind of sex? Yeah, it qualifies as best — no doubt about it.
Beyond me, though, even as I’m writing about all of this, I’m thinking about husbands who have told me that women other than their wives gave them their best fellatio and wives who have said that men other than their husbands have given them the most orgasms. If as you’re reading this, a part of you is like, how the hell can people trust each other to remain faithful or not feel intimidated if they don’t happen to be their partner’s best? Well, I do have an answer for you. You can thank my ex for it because it’s awesome.
Care less about being someone’s “best.” Care more about being (or becoming) their FAVORITE.
Now Here’s Why “Favorite” Should Be Your Ultimate Goal
GiphyI’ve been a full-time writer for most of my life; even before then, English and creative writing were classes that I fully enjoyed in school, so it’s not like I didn’t know what “favorite” meant before my ex and I talked about it. Still, in the way that he meant it, it was indeed the ultimate light bulb and ah-ha moment for me. Before I explain why, a recap of its definitions and some of its synonyms too:
Favorite: a person or thing regarded with special favor or preference; a person treated with special or undue favor by a king, official, etc.
Synonyms: beloved, cherished, treasured, choice, dear, intimate, sweetheart, adored, best-loved, main
Can you already see where this is going? Some strange woman who a man meets in a bar while he’s on vacation, who he goes up into a hotel room with and has a night of passionate sex with, it all could be something that he describes as “outstanding” and “first-rate.” Yet the woman to who he commits his life and only sleeps with her after marriage, he can see as “beloved” and their sex as “intimate.”
When you really want to build something with someone that is significant and lasting — which sounds better: best or favorite? And that’s what my boyfriend (at the time) was trying to convey.
The mechanics of sex with someone who came before me did make things damn near perfect for him, yet he enjoyed me because I was his choice, his main, and our experiences were cherished and very dear to him — so much so that he had no regrets or desires to exchange his past best for his (then) current favorite.
I mean, take it outside of sex to get a clearer view. One time, while I was on the road touring with an organization that I used to work with, I had some of the BEST beef ribs ever. Chile now? I can’t even tell you the name of the restaurant at this point; I just recall how the ribs made me feel at the time that I had them. My favorite, though? To tell you the truth, before Tony Roma’s went down ina major flood that Nashville had back in 2010, I would probably say it was theirs (the ones who know…know).
Now, though, I’ve mastered how to make some pretty tender and delicious (if I do say so myself) beef ribs at home, and so my homemade batches are what I consider to be my absolute favorite. They are so good that, while I remember some things about my best, I don’t long for them. I like the "favorite" more; they are my preference because that "best" experience…I don’t know if I can ever recreate that. My favorite? I’ve done it so many times and the results have been so consistent that I am beyond content. See my point?
Okay, so what about you hyper-cynical folks who think this is all a crock of bull and if you can’t be your man’s best, you don’t want anything at all? Well, first of all, you might want to get yourself a virgin (and there’s certainly nothing wrong with that) in order to significantly and realistically increase your odds of that being the case. Secondly — caring so much about being someone’s best is usually more about ego than intimacy anyway. Ask any married couple who has more than five wedding anniversaries under the belt, and I’m willing to bet some pretty good money that they will tell you that your bed doesn’t have enough for two people and two egos to fit into it.
Meaning, being someone’s best is a nice pat on the back, I won’t lie — yet if that’s your focus, you really can miss out on all of the beautiful things that can come with just resting in the fact that whether you will ever be someone’s best or not…you can always say, do and simply be things that will make you be/become their one-thousand-and-one-perfect favorite.
___
In fact, should my time to say “I do” ever come, being my husband’s best won’t even really matter to me. For one thing, I already know I ain’t no slouch (I’m kidding yet not — LOL) and so, knowing that he chose me, even above who may have been his best before me, that automatically makes me his favorite because, again, favorite means choice. And if you chose me…when it’s all said and done, that’s all that really matters.
Let “her” be his best in their season, chile.
Who cares?
He and I have a lifetime to remain one another’s favorite.
WE WIN. #wink
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Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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