
Unpopular Opinion: Men And Women CAN Really Be "Just Friends"

Many moons ago, I took an intimacy class with a group of people. The premise of it was to learn how to cultivate emotional attachments in a healthy way. A married couple facilitated it and, for the most part, the only steadfast rules were 1) do the weekly homework that was assigned and 2) get an accountability partner within the group—only, make sure it's someone of the same sex rather than the opposite one.
Why? The facilitators believed that if a man and woman ended up sharing too much emotional intimacy with one another, it could cause them to think there is a romantic connection, even if it isn't genuine. How can this happen? Again, the facilitators felt that it's what naturally transpires when men and women spend a lot of significant time together.
Although I got their point, I can't 100 percent get on board with that. Their perspective pretty much implies that Billy Crystal's character in the movie When Harry Met Sally was right; that men and women can never be just friends.
I live in the real world and, at this point in my life, I'd say that about 60 percent of the closest people to me are male. Men with whom I have no history with (we'll get more into that in just a bit). Men with whom I can—and do—talk to for hours on end. Men whom I love deeply and profoundly and platonically (I can't wait to share with you what platonic means!). Men with whom I am, and will continue to be, just friends with.
So, why is it that so many people seem to think that being just friends with the opposite sex is such an impossible feat? I'd venture to say that it's because the following five points aren't thoughtfully and thoroughly considered before a man and a woman decide to become (and remain) homies.
Be Honest About (Potential) Attraction, Off Top
I'm pretty open about the fact that, back when I was sexually active, my pattern was to sleep with my male friends. I don't mean all of them (goodness!). What I mean is, because I didn't become active until college and the time span of relationships in that environment is super short, once a guy realized that he couldn't bag me after a couple of phone calls and a midnight run to Krystal's, usually the decision was to become friends only. The problem with that is since sometimes, there was a mutual physical attraction, after a semester or so, we'd get click tight. Then the emotional attachment would turn into sexual intimacy.
That's why I say that the first thing a man and a woman have to get super honest with each other about is if one or both are attracted to one another. Mind you, not if both find the other attractive (I think my own brother is attractive) but if they find each other appealing. If so, that doesn't mean they can't be friends, but that does get into some of the potentially murky waters that Billy Crystal's character was talking about. Especially since sometimes bonding with someone on the mental and emotional tip can end up making them even more…enticing.
Get Clear About Your Motives
One of my closest male friends, we've been tight since college. It's always been platonic due to my first point. However, we did have a season where things got a little uncomfortable because while I've never been attracted to him, he had an attraction to me. It got to the point that he even said to me in my early 30s that if I would consider taking things to another level, marriage would be on the table.
I love this friend. He's one of my favorite people on the entire planet. But when he said that, I felt nauseous and not in that butterflies in the stomach kind of way. I love him but I don't LOVE him. Not at all. Never have and never will.
For him, his feelings were a little hurt, although we made it through. And one of the things that experience taught me is that when you decide to be friends of someone of the opposite sex, you've got to get real with yourself about what your true objective is. Do you want to be the person's friend or do you somehow see friendship as a mere starting point into something…else?
A lot can be said about someone's motives. Motives reveal A LOT. What are yours? What are his?
If There Is “a Past”, Keep It Out of Your Present
A few weeks ago, I ran into a guy that I was sexually active with for several years back in the day. Before we "took it there", we really enjoyed just talking on the phone for hours on end, about everything and nothing. To this day, we still communicate really well, although because the mental and sexual connection was pretty on-point, we keep things at a semi-surface level. Meaning, when we see one another, we can chop it up for hours. But exchanging phone numbers and hanging out at each other's cribs? Yeah, that's probably not a good idea.
Then there's another guy who, to this day, I don't know how he got to hit it. I really don't. I think back and I'm like "ugh, ugh and ugh". He and I are just buddies again because the past has remained there. I can't imagine what scenario could get us back in the sheets again. Not a one.
"Door #2"? He's proof that just because two people have history, that doesn't mean friendship is totally out of the question. Something can only happen in the present when both want it too (or are open to at least considering it). If that is not the case, things can transition into something more platonic without any temptation or subtext. Trust me.
Make Sure Their Significant Other Is Good
At this stage in my life, most of my world is married (or divorced). This means that some of my male friends have wives. Now, I know some people who believe that it's "dangerous" for married people to have single friends but, whatever. You'd be amazed by how many married people cheat on their spouse with, not single folks but other married people. It's a reminder that a person's relational status isn't really the issue, their integrity level is.
My married male friends? I have no problem with any of their wives and they have no issue with my friendship with their husband. One reason is because their wives have not only met me before, but they have full access to me including my email address and phone number. Another reason is because I am intentional about establishing some sort of connection with my male friend's significant other. We might not be besties, but we are definitely cool. Another reason is because, in these instances, there is no more-than-friends history to speak of.
In fact, I once remember talking to one of my "husband friends" who lives in a different time zone than me. It was 9:30pm to them and 11:30pm to me. The wife joined in for about 15-20 minutes and then told us both "good night". He and I spoke for about 40 more minutes after that. The next time I spoke with his lady, I commented on how a lot of wives would never let their husband talk to another woman while they were in bed asleep. Her response? "If you and my husband had sexual history or you weren't so respectful of our marriage, I wouldn't have. But neither of you have given me question to doubt your friendship. Plus, I have male friends. It's all good."
As a marriage life coach, although I do think that married couples need to do whatever works for them and their relationship, I don't think it's the healthiest for them to not have friends of the opposite sex.
The friendship isn't the issue. It's the level of openness, honesty, and trust that exists that is.
If all parties involved respect the union and there are healthy boundaries established, then yes, single and married people can be friends—even if they are of the opposite sex.
Embrace What Platonic Love with the Opposite Sex Brings to the Table
One of my favorite things about male/female friendships is the fact that the two genders coming together in that way help to create a balance of energy and synergy in a way that same-sex friendships simply cannot.
Personally, I can't tell you how many times a male perspective on something has spared me drama, heartbreak, and mass confusion. It's amazing how the love of a male friend can fill voids that make settling for a less-than-what-I-deserve relationship not even worth considering.
Like good brothers, male friends also have the ability to make us, as women, feel protected. I absolutely love that. Yeah, platonic love is nothing to sleep on.
That's why, I think, it's a non-issue to spend precious and valuable time pondering whether or not men and women can be just friends. From where I sit, not only "can" they be but, if everything else that I shared checks out, they absolutely should be. I say that because platonic is another word for "spiritual love" and anyone who has a true friend of the opposite sex, they know that although the connection may not be romantic, it is so profoundly pure and divine that it is still very necessary. The fact that one of the people in the friendship is a man while the other is a woman shouldn't be seen as an obstacle but a true blessing.
So, can a man and woman be just friends? If they are both striving for platonic love and a healthy bond, of course they can. Let me and my male homies tell it, they're only selling themselves short if they don't.
So, can a man and woman be just friends? If they are both striving for platonic love and a healthy bond, of course they can. Let me and my male homies tell it, they're only selling themselves short if they don't.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak