A significant part of my journey has been finding my way to healing. I looked for signs in activities or other people to tell me that I would be better soon. I relied on finding that one hobby, that one job, or that one true love so that I could forget about what I was holding on to. But that's the point, the pain I felt was still there.
The truth is, when I depended on people or activities to keep me distracted, it just led to disappointment.
When I was tired of being disappointed, I was ready to give up. However, while "giving up" is frowned upon, so is letting go of control. Ultimately, it took stopping and being present in the moment to find my way back to me. I had to realize I had zero control at all. I couldn't continue to live in the past or the future, I had to live in the now. That is the act of surrender.
Of course, everyone's surrendering is different, but from my experience, surrender has taught me three lessons that I needed to take myself to higher levels.
1.Get Uncomfortable As Hell
awkward erm GIF by DyoGiphyWhether you are busy in your 9-5, trying to find your next passion, or simply lack interest in anything your life currently offers, you might be in a routine rut. You've become familiar with what feels good to you and what you have tolerated. You've become so content with specific environments and people that you have created your own sense of "normal". To put it in three words, you are comfortable.
Well, let me tell you, surrendering is going to be one of the most uncomfortable things you are going to experience in your damn life.
Growing up, I was the good girl who followed the rules, and trying new things was not something I looked for often. Why? Because I was comfortable. Fast forward to 15 years later; I still enjoyed being comfortable until I didn't. What people don't tell you is that surrendering is not something you do to clear your mind and go back to old habits, surrendering is a wake-up call. It is instability at its finest. It is a way for you to reintroduce yourself to yourself.
2.All Questions Do Not Need Answer
music video question GIFGiphyOnce you begin to feel how uncomfortable unraveling yourself can be, questions start to come up. You even start having conversations with yourself. You begin to question parts of your childhood, your family, how you react to situations, who is in your inner circle, your love life, why certain things just so happen to keep repeating themselves, etc.
However, you will learn that through surrendering, it is not about getting all the answers; it's about letting go of all the questions. Sometimes if we don't understand something or see a logical explanation for it, our anxiety takes over and we fear not knowing. If I feel "not knowing" is a threat to my well-being in a way, I become obsessed with finding answers. Well, surrendering is a way to shut all that shit down. Imagine my little curious self saying, "Wait, so the answer to this question is that there is no answer?"
Having unanswered questions is part of the imbalance. When you get to a point where there is no need to have answers, you can accept the mysteries of what life entails. You can accept that it is no longer your responsibility to understand everything. You can follow the WHAT, while not understanding the WHY. And that is OK.
3.Commit To Yourself
Happy Dance GIF by SHAVONE.GiphyYou are the only one in this experience right now. You only have you to depend on, and that is the scary part. As you become more aware of who you are, you have to choose to have faith in your tomorrow self while working on your today self, who is still as lost as yesterday's self. Surrendering is about taking those unanswered questions and being present in the moment.
To resurface your purpose and redefine yourself, you must believe in the amazingness that already lives within you. You are not striving to find what makes you great, but watering what has already been planted. Surrendering is going to help you tap into the God parts of you and connect you to your powerful abilities that were suppressed from the outside world.
When I decided to commit to myself, it became unmatched to any other relationship I made in the future. Why? Because when you "give up" on expectations while never giving up on yourself, that is where the magic of surrendering lies. Will there be times when you feel like you have failed at surrendering? Yes. Will you still give yourself permission to get back up and surrender again? Absolutely.
When you get to that day, after learning everything that your own surrendering has taught you, you will look back and say to yourself, "This was the best decision I have ever made!"
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Fortunately, five simple words have simplified my dating process and ushered in clarity faster: “Would my husband do this?”
A couple of years ago, I met an entertainment lawyer who was tonguing down a twenty-something-year-old woman for breakfast while I slurped my green smoothie and chomped on a flatbread sandwich. Okay, Black love, I grinned and thought as I sauntered out of the Joe & The Juice. As soon as I stepped down from the front door, a torrential downpour of Miami summer rain cascaded and throttled me back inside to wait out the storm.
I grabbed a hot green tea and vacillated between peering out the wet door and anxiously checking my watch. My lengthy agenda started with attending the Tabitha Brown and Chance Brown’s “Black Love” panel, and I was already late. That’s when the lawyer introduced himself to me, after he made a joke about neither one of us wanting to get soaked by the rain. His female companion had braved the storm, leaving us to find our commonalities.
We both lived in L.A. and had traveled to the American Black Film Festival to expand our network. He represented various artists, including entertainment writers, while I was working as a writer/creative producer in Hollywood.
While there is no shortage of internet advice on how to strategically meet a prominent man at conferences, if I spend my hard-earned funds on career growth, I have tunnel vision, and that doesn’t include finding Mr. Right. So, I stowed his contact details away as strictly professional.
Keep It Cute Love And Hip Hop GIFGiphyAs the humidity and mosquitoes were rising around L.A., two months later, another suitor-turned-terrible match cooled off after three unimpressive dates and a bevy of red flags. I posted what some of my friends called a thirst trap, but it was really me wearing a black freakum jumpsuit with a plunging neckline to my friend’s 35th birthday soiree despite feeling oh, so unsexy and bloated on my cycle.
I’d been waiting to post a sassy caption and finally had the perfect picture to match: “You not asking for too much, you just asking the wrong MF.”
That’s when the entertainment lawyer swooped into my DMs and asked me to dinner. I was quite confused. Is he asking me on a date? Or is this professional? Common sense would’ve picked the former. Once it clicked that this would in fact be a date, I told my mentor, who’s been happily married for over twenty years and has often been a guiding light and has steered me away from the wrong men.
Upon telling him about how we met, he emphatically stated, “He ain’t it.” He followed up with a simple question, "You have to ask yourself: Would my husband do this? Would you tell others that you met your husband, tonguing down another woman, and later married him?"
Aint It No Way GIF by UFCGiphyOuch. The thought-provoking question cleared any haze. Prior to going out with the lawyer, the first thing I inquired about was the woman.
“You saw that?” He said, taken aback that I’d witnessed his steamy PDA. Surely, anyone with two open eyes peeped him caressing her backside as he kissed her in the middle of the coffee shop.
He brushed her off as a casual someone he’d gone on a couple of dates with but had since stopped talking to. He said he hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over three years. Though I was still doubtful, dating in L.A. is treacherous and ephemeral. Making it past three months is considered a rarity.
With my antennae alert, I dined with him at a cozy beachside steakhouse restaurant where we were serenaded by a live jazz band. I’d emphasized forming a platonic friendship first.
Break Up Friendship GIF by TLCGiphy“I’ll come to you,” he obliged. I liked that he had made me a priority by driving over 50 miles to see me. I also liked the effort he made to check in with me daily. But I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he initiated on a professional pretense and then alley hooped through the back door on a romantic venture, which bombarded me with confusion.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my dating life, God is not the author of confusion; any man who brings confusion, rather than clarity, is simply not The One. It doesn’t matter how many boxes he checks–eventually, that confusion will manifest itself into bigger problems, in time.
After diving into deeper conversations on the phone, post our first dinner date, I quickly realized this man was indeed not The One for me. But I’m grateful for the valuable lesson I learned.
I don’t expect some unattainable fairytale of a husband; we all have our own flaws and conflict is inevitable, but after dating for two decades, through failure and success, I’ve realized that the person I ultimately marry must mirror the values I exert into the world. He must reciprocate kindness, patience, and respect. He must be quick to listen and slow to respond. He needs to be forgiving and trustworthy, practice healthy communication, and be a man of his word at the bare minimum.
If I’d had “Would my husband do this?” in my toolbox when I was dating and floundering in stagnant relationships, in my twenties, it would’ve saved me a lot of precious time. But now that I’m equipped with the reminder, it’s allowed me to ground myself in my non-negotiables and set/maintain the standard for the special person, I’ll one day say, “I do,” to.
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