My ex-boyfriend calls me every year to wish me a happy birthday.
I can't remember a birthday that didn't include him since I was twelve. We've known each other since we were kids, and without fail, I know that a birthday will not pass without me hearing from him. In most years, he's been the first person I hear from, and at first, it was nostalgic and reminded me of when we were together.
He was always the first voice I heard on my birthday, and he had this Sagittarius way of making this Aries day feel like the national holiday they were always supposed to be, just like my dad always did; I still remember the first birthday present he ever bought me. It was a Ne-Yo CD, and I listened to it so much after he bought it that it wouldn't stop skipping.
We dated for five years, but we were young, so when we broke up, while it was difficult to adjust to the new normal, our continuing to keep in touch on birthdays made us feel connected in some way. It's become so normal that when I talk to my friends on my birthday, they'll ask, "Did _____ call you today?" And my response is always, "Yeah, he did."
Whether I was single, in a relationship, or dating a guy he could not stand, he was calling (and some years texting) no matter what.
Were there times when I 100% thought, is this healthy? Is he only calling so he can keep tabs on me? Should I be accepting calls and FaceTime from a man I'm no longer with on my favorite day of the year?
Absolutely.
When trying to decide if communicating with him was healthy at all, I went through a range of emotions and asked myself various questions: Do I want to still hear from him because it feels good to know he still cares? Is the need to hear from him rooted in ego, and if so, have I not done enough self-work? Would I be okay with dating a man who called his ex every year?
But none of the answers to those questions made my decision any more straightforward for me.
The truth is that I answer his birthday calls, and I wish him a happy birthday in return yearly because, on some level, we still love each other, and anyone who tells you they no longer love their ex is lying to you.
When you really love someone, you will always love them. Is love the same? Not always, but I think we look at love and connection as this black-and-white thing, and the truth is most relationships are complex. There was a time in my life when I looked at this man and felt all the romantic love in the world, and couldn't imagine a life without him in it as my partner.
I thought we'd get married, have babies, and that his hands were the safest place in the world for me and my heart to live in.
But as you age, you realize that love isn't enough and life isn't like the movies.
You can love someone who deeply loves you and still know that you don't need to be together. Now I look at him and love him so much that I want him to have the best life possible, even if that life doesn't include me, and I know he feels the same way. Our love has transitioned from a romantic love to a love that cheers for one another from the sidelines of our lives.
But does that mean that because I'm no longer in love with him, I don't want to hear from him on my birthday? No, because it still matters to me - he still matters to me.
Now, don't hold me to this as my final opinion on the situation because, in one, two, or ten years, I could be happily married and tell you that we haven't spoken to one another on our birthdays in years. But I could also tell you that even with a happy marriage, I still maintain a healthy relationship with my ex with boundaries. The truth is I don't know. Only time will tell.
What I can tell you is that as a Black woman navigating this world, often feeling like no one gives a damn about us, having someone who has loved me since I was a child continue to reach out to me on my favorite day in the year, doesn't feel like something wrong, it feels like the care that I deserve.
Not all exes are created equal, and not all couples who were once together hate each other. We went through a period where we couldn't stand one another, but we'd both tell you that that was due to resentment of things not working out.
Ex Etiquette: How To Handle an Ex That Calls or Texts You ‘Happy Birthday’
If you're open to maintaining communication with an ex, ask yourself these questions.
Delmaine Donson/Getty Images
Now, my ex isn't your ex, and I understand that there are men out there who will use your birthday as a way to find their way back into your life, heart, and bed with a text message. If you're still maintaining communication with your ex with boundaries, ask yourself the following questions.
1. Is this a person genuinely caring about me, or was this a relationship that brought out the worst in me?
It's imperative to ask this question because you don't ever need to hear from someone who broke you. Breaking up with someone is one thing, but continuing to keep in touch with a person who intentionally broke your spirit, heart, and self-esteem is never acceptable.
2. Why do I want to keep in touch? Is it because I want to get back together?
Keeping the lines of communication open with an ex in the hopes of rekindling the relationship can lead to heartbreak all over again. If the two of you have made a conscious choice to stay in touch with boundaries, you should know why that is, and if your goal is to reconcile, you need to make sure you're on the same page.
3. How do you feel about your ex as a person?
Is this a person that you'd have in your life if you never dated? Are they kind-hearted, genuine, and, overall, good people? These are questions that you should ask yourself because love can blind you, and you want to make sure that you're entertaining a person worth your time, even as a friend.
4. Is this relationship impacting my ability to find someone new?
While I'm all for healthy communication with an ex, you don't want to block new blessings by holding up entirely too much space in your life with an old partner. Make space for the new love that you deserve at all times.
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Featured image by PixelsEffect/Getty Images
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
Where to Stay in St. Lucia
Photo by Windjammer Landing
There are lots of different types of accommodations for travelers to choose from, and many of the top hotels and resorts in St. Lucia are located near Marigot or Rodney Bay, which are about an hour and a half from the international airport.
I stayed at the Windjammer Landing Villa Beach Resort and there were a few things that stood out to me that made this an ideal resort for my trip. First, the resort has unique Mediterranean-style villas, and the gleaming white stucco walls, blue doors, and bright bougainvillea felt like being in a traditional Greek village. On morning walks, I would climb the hilly terrain and start the morning looking over the bay.
Solo-tripping at a resort is also great for making friends. I ate alone a few times, but I also met other travelers who I shared meals with throughout my stay. Though resort food can sometimes be hit or miss, the food at the Windjammer was top-notch (and diverse). The resort has five restaurants, and I ate seafood dishes like snapper and coconut shrimp at Upper Deck and tandoori chicken and samosas from the newly introduced ‘Masala at Embers.’
The resort is spread out over 65 acres, which meant that even though I visited during high season in February, the property never felt crowded. I spent a lot of time decompressing by sitting near the beach and journaling, but there were lots of activities at the resort to keep me occupied. I enjoyed a relaxing massage at the Serene Wellness & Spa and a morning yoga session, and along with the plunge pool in my villa, the resort had six pools and offered watersports like snorkeling and kayaking.
What to Eat in St. Lucia
Photo courtesy of Mariette Williams
St. Lucia’s local fare, like many other Caribbean islands, includes fried seafood like snapper and conch, peas and rice, and plantains. One way to get a taste of the local cuisine is to head to Gros Islet for the Friday Night Party. The 50-year tradition starts at sunset and locals bring their grills, set up tabletop bars, and eat and dance late into the night. St. Lucia also has some of the freshest fruit, and during my stay, I feasted on starfruit, golden apples, papaya drizzled in lime, and savory bananas.
Another St. Lucia “must-have” is Piton beer, a light, refreshing beer with a hint of floral taste - perfect after a day spent in the sun. And if you’re a rum drinker, St. Lucia has a litany of great rums - most notably Chairman’s Reserve, Bounty, and Admiral Rodney. I had a rum tasting at the resort, which was paired with St. Lucia’s delicious chocolate, and if you’re at a bar - make sure you order a rum punch - a signature drink in the Caribbean.
Things to Do in St. Lucia
Photo courtesy of Mariette Williams
Though it would have been easy to spend the entire stay at the resort, I spent some time exploring the neighboring areas. One of the highlights was booking a boat trip to see the Pitons. Though I had seen photos of the twin peaks, the majestic volcanoes are much more impressive in person, towering over 2,000 feet in the air. Our boat captain, Delbert, stopped the boat as we marveled at one of the Caribbean's most beautiful landmarks.
Another St. Lucian highlight is the sulfur springs in Soufriere where I slathered myself in thick grayish mud and soaked in the muddy, warm springs. After my al fresco sulphuric spa treatment, our driver took us to a nearby Sulfur Springs waterfall, and it was the first time I stood under a hot waterfall. On the way back to the resort, we stopped by some shallow waters to snorkel, and as the sun started its afternoon descent, I could see why people fell in love with St. Lucia.
Truthfully, nearly any country can make a good solo trip, but St. Lucia’s peaceful setting and access to attractions make it an ideal option for beginner solo travelers. It’s relatively convenient to get to as well - located just three hours from Miami, it’s ideal for a long weekend or week-long trip to recharge. Though I left so much to explore, St. Lucia is a place where you can fill your days with exciting activities or do nothing at all, and you’ll still have an unforgettable time.
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Feature image courtesy of Mariette Williams
Originally published on February 28, 2023