We all know that when it comes to entrepreneurship, women are killin' it. Black women in particular are the fastest-growing community of entrepreneurs, yet still face major obstacles in getting funding or even being taken seriously for their products, services, and business acumen. Research has shown that men were "significantly more likely to secure funding than women when pitching the same business content," and, in terms of race, black entrepreneurs in general are "three times less likely" to be approved for loans than white entrepreneurs.
Many advocates have joined in the fight to level the playing field for women not only to survive in business but to thrive and serve their communities. One remedy that is popular is "capital entrepreneurs" who actually find innovative ways to invest in those who are in disenfranchised communities. Among those is a new leader who has decided to use a popular TV platform---the wacky, wild, and salacious world of reality TV---to provide a leg up for women entrepreneurs: Real Housewives of Atlanta's Tanya Sam.
Courtesy of Tanya Sam
The Toronto-native stans for entrepreneurship, particularly inspired by the savvy of her fiance Paul Judge, a serial entrepreneur in his own right and co-founder of Tech Square Labs and Pindrop Securities. Sam has now launched The Ambition Fund to help women and underrepresented entrepreneurs reach heir goals. And though some might have just recently become familiar with Sam on TV, she's been on the Atlanta scene disrupting in entrepreneurship well before she hit the small screen.
"I've been in the tech and startup ecosystem in Atlanta for quite some time. We opened Tech Square Labs in 2014, a startup and co-working space for early-stage entrepreneurs primarily building high-gross, scalable technology companies. We invest in and help them scale their companies---everything from access to market, capital, etc.," Sam said during an exclusive xoNecole interview. Along with her duties as founder of the fund, she also serves as director of partnerships at Tech Square Labs.
An Idea Out of A Need
When she joined the Bravo TV show cast, Sam had a light-bulb moment after viewers of the show expressed a need. "So many women and other entrepreneurs [began] reaching out to me saying, 'Wow your story is so interesting. You went from nursing to technology. How did you do it? I'm building a business. It's not necessarily in tech but can you help me?'"
"I'm harnessing my passion for working with entrepreneurs, helping them to build and grow, across industries---helping to provide access to capital and networks so that they can thrive and succeed."
Sam, a graduate of the University of Toronto who was raised in a family of doctors, chose to pursue nursing after college, working for top hospitals in New York, Toronto and Atlanta. It was during that time that she got the idea for her first business, Limitless Smart Shot. At the time, she had read Shonda Rhimes' Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand In the Sun and Be Your Own Person and was inspired to take a leap.
"I love that book. I bought it years ago and I just feel like it was the right time for me to say yes to different opportunities. I was a bone marrow transplant nurse, and I worked in oncology and chemotherapy. I'd ran the gamut of the nursing profession. And at one point, I fell into entrepreneurship because I was going to work everyday with these super-smart people, and we'd walk into work and cheers our coffee cups and say, 'I hope this gets us through our shifts.' And people were relying on caffeine which can give you energy, but it doesn't actually increase your brain performance. I decided to fall back on my science background and formulate a beverage designed to increase your focus, attention and memory and actually boost your brainpower naturally. So that's where Limitless Smart Shot came from."
From 9-to-5 to Living Her Best (TV) Life
When she started dating Judge, he was in the throws of launching a company, so it was a match made in entrepreneurship heaven. "I was getting this real-life, real-time business experience of how to build a company," Sam said. "It was extremely fascinating... the best lesson on taking chances." She also began going to meet ups and events centered on tech and entrepreneurship and her network grew in those spaces, among others.
Becoming a cast member on Housewives was something that came "out of left field," Sam said. "I would have never guessed, two years ago, that I would be on a television program at all. The opportunity came up, and [my reaction was], 'Oh you should think about it. It would be really fun.' But I just didn't know. I went to Paul, and he said, 'YOLO. Why not?' I knew some of the ladies and here I am in my second season. It's definitely been a roller coaster ride of fun."
Juggling Roles and Finding Balance
Wearing several hats---fiance, reality show star, startup advocate and entrepreneur---can be a challenge for anyone but Sam says she relies on forgiveness, self-care, and a little creativity in spending time with loved ones.
"I think the first key with balance is forgiveness. You can't be so hard on yourself that you're like, 'I didn't get everything done by this time today, and you know, you beat yourself up. That's No. 1--forgiveness."
And then for me, just being able to do the things that I love---like I love to work out. I feel like it absolutely feeds my soul with happy endorphins. I love to treat myself every once in a while to a new pair of shoes and be able to just find time to spend hanging out with friends. And sometimes that means saying, 'Hey, do you want to grab a glass of wine with our laptops and go to a workout class together? It kind of feels like you're killing two birds with one stone."
Standing behind women entrepreneurs by offering them resources to level up is something Sam hopes will be a proud and impactful part of her legacy. "It's really amazing when business owners' daughters say, 'I love watching you on the show and see [someone who is] fabulous black girl magic, is in tech and studied science. That's pretty cool. I get messages all the time where women see me on the show and identify, and it's awesome."
For more information on The Ambition Fund, visit their Website, and follow Tanya Sam via Instagram @itstanyatime.
Featured Image via Tanya Sam
- Tanya Sam - Director of Partnerships at TechSquare Labs ›
- Tanya Sam Launches The Ambition Fund To Invest in Women and ... ›
- RHOA's Tanya Sam Is Forging New Lanes In The Tech Industry ... ›
- Why Bravo TV's Real Housewives of Atlanta Star, Tanya Sam ... ›
- RHOA Star Tanya Sam Tells Us Why Investing Is The Path To Wealth ›
- Sister Circle | Tanya Sam Talks RHOA, Black Women In Tech ... ›
- 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Member is Making Her Mark in the ... ›
- 'RHOA' star Tanya Sam went from nursing to tech ›
- About – TechSquare Labs ›
- Tanya Sam - Founder - The Ambition Fund | LinkedIn ›
RELATED
As I quickly ran down my “Christmas list” of desires, as I came towards the end and then looked him in the eyes (because we were walking), he calmly and simply said, “I can be that.” Chile…CHILE. It took me close to a year of discovering so many cryptic things about him for me to realize that there is a really big difference between what someone “can be” vs. who they actually are — and that oversharing can set you up for dating a character more than a genuine individual. Lesson learned. Lesson freakin’ learned.
I can’t lie, though — when I recently read about a current dating trend known as “floodlighting,” from my own personal experience, that’s probably the closest that I’ve ever come to it. I think it’s because, since I’m so open with damn near everyone and also, since my past pattern has mostly consisted of taking friendships into something more (as opposed to dating people who I barely know), I’ve never really taken the classic floodlighting approach to try and connect with someone else.
I do have clients who have, though — and the trend is concerning enough that I definitely thought that it was worth writing about; mostly as a PSA to not floodlight and also to be cautious if you sense that someone is currently in the process of trying to floodlight you.
And just what do I mean when I say that? Read on, sis. Read on.
Floodlighting. According to Author Brené Brown.
GiphyBest-selling author, podcaster, and professor Brené Brown is a pretty popular person. Since quotes are my thing, that’s probably how I “connect” with her most because I like things that she has been credited for saying like “Maybe stories are just data with a soul,” “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it” and “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
And since self-reflection is such a big part of her platform, it didn’t really surprise me when I found out that she is actually credited for coming up with the term “floodlighting.” It would seem that in her audiobook, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections, and Courage, she stated this:
“Oversharing? Not vulnerability; I call it floodlighting. ... A lot of times we share too much information as a way to protect us from vulnerability, and here's why.
I'm scared to let you know that I just wrote this article and I'm under total fire for it and people are making fun of me and I'm feeling hurt — the same thing that I told someone in an intimate conversation. So what I do is I floodlight you with it — I don't know you very well or I'm in front of a big group, or it's a story that I haven't processed enough to be sharing with other people — and you immediately respond ‘hands up; push me away’ and I go, ‘See? No one cares about me. No one gives a s*** that I'm hurting. I knew it.'
It's how we protect ourselves from vulnerability. We just engage in a behavior that confirms our fear.”
If that was a bit challenging to follow, what Brené is basically saying is…well, you know how sometimes you will watch a post on social media by someone you don’t know, your first reaction is something like “Ugh. TMI.” and then you may actually say some form of that in their comment section? If others join in with your sentiment, the poster may follow up with a second video about that being why they don’t share their lives — it’s because people only take shots at them for doing so. Yeah, social media? Oh, there is PLENTY of floodlighting that goes on up in there, chile.
Okay, but what would be the strategy for floodlighting if it proves to be such a risky approach to connecting with other people? According to Brené, by sharing too much information about ourselves only to then receive some level of rejection for it — it’s kind of a “hurt you before you hurt me” kind of thing.
Meaning, “I’m not the best at cultivating intimacy and so, if I overshare and you pull back, I can make you be the ‘bad guy’ for rejecting me which makes all of this a test that you failed instead of my choosing to create an authentic connection and owning my part if things don’t end up working out.”
And yes, many people do this because, at the end of the day, they aren’t very comfortable with genuine intimacy. They also do it because they don’t really get that, when it comes to intimacy, another word should be the goal instead of vulnerability anyway.
I’ll explain.
It’s Important to Remember What Vulnerability Means
GiphyAsk pretty much any of my clients about what I think about the word “vulnerable” when it comes to marriage and they’ll tell you that I am not a fan. That’s because I lean into being pretty word-literal (as far as original definitions go) and I am aware that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt,” “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.”
And y’all, for the life of me, I don’t know why anyone would choose to vow to spend their lives with an individual who they would need to be vulnerable with because, if your partner is susceptible to damaging you or they leave you open to attack or temptation — does that sound healthy to you? Yeah, me neither.
So, what word do I prefer then? Dependent. And what’s so wild to me is the fact that our culture is so used to the word “vulnerable” that many, even when it comes to their close connections, are far more uncomfortable with the word “dependent” — and boy, ain’t that a damn shame. Dependent is all that I want to be with my intimate dynamics because that’s all about “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and that is what you should do with your closest friends and definitely who you are in a romantic relationship with.
In fact, if the relationship is solid, it should be interdependent: “mutually dependent; depending on each other.” However, the thing to keep in mind with getting to the point where you can rely on someone is it takes time. While vulnerability, on some levels, can be rushed and semi-forced, dependency is an organic experience that occurs from life simply…happening.
Now keep all of this in mind as we explore how floodlighting reveals itself in a dating situation.
Floodlighting. When It Comes to Dating.
GiphyOnce I processed floodlighting, as far as dating is concerned, it actually made me think of people who have sex very quickly in the beginning of a relationship. I’m pretty sure that at least 70 percent of us know of someone who has raved about a person who they’ve only gone out on a couple of dates with. However, because they’ve already had sex with them and it was really good, suddenly, they believe that they’ve met the one.
Y’all, it truly can’t be said enough that “an oxytocin high” does not true intimacy make — oh, but because it feels amazing, it can have you out here thinking that something lasting and real has transpired when really, there hasn’t been enough moments shared or experiences had to know that for sure. However, since the sex was rushed, it can cause you to want to speed up the relationship too. It can tempt you to be like, “I mean, if we’re great in bed, surely we will be amazing in other rooms of the house too.” Floodlighting is a lot like this.
If you meet someone and you like the potential of what it could be, you might be tempted to want to, like Brené said in her book: OVERSHARE. It could be oversharing as it relates to some personal traumas that you’ve experienced. It could be oversharing as it relates to intimate details about your past relationships. It could be oversharing as it relates to your mistakes and flaws. It could be oversharing as it relates to your sex life. It could be oversharing as it relates to all of the expectations and demands (along with why) that you have.
The reason for doing this? It could be that you’re hoping the person will take it all in without any pushback which will cause you to believe that you both are immediately on the same page or it could be that you are attempting to fast-track the relationship by believing that if you share all of who you are during date one or two (or even four), they will do the same and — ding — an instant relationship.
See, more than anything else, floodlighting is a test. It’s a bit manipulative. It’s potentially stressful. And, more times than not, it ends up backfiring. And then, if it backfires, because it was a test, you can blame them for not rising up to the occasion.
Please tell me that you get how toxic this all is. For one thing, no one wants to be tested like this. Secondly, it’s unfair to expect someone to be “all in” with a person who they are just getting to know. Third, you have layers to you — all of us do — and it can be overwhelming for someone to be expected to learn, retain, and even accept all of the layers at once. Yeah, one thing that I like about the term floodlighting is it has the word “flood” in it. Water? We’re made up of mostly water, so of course, it’s good for us. Being flooded by water, though? That could harm or even destroy us.
In many ways, trying to force intimacy onto another person…it manifests in a similar way. Of course, you should share what makes you…you. A bit at a time, though, while letting time do its thing. Too much too soon is…exactly that.
How to Cultivate Healthy Intimacy in the Beginning Stages of a Relationship
GiphySo, what are some things that you can do to avoid being a floodlighter?
See your intel as privileged information.
Everything about you is special and special things should be earned. That said, as you get to know someone, OVER TIME, you’ll be able to see if they can be trusted with your thoughts, feelings and ultimately your heart — and no, that can’t happen on the first couple of dates. Y’all, it really can’t be said enough that instant chemistry doesn’t mean that intimacy should be expected to happen overnight.
In other words, just because you see the potential for something awesome with another person, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wait to see if the individual’s words and actions, consistently so, can complement the elation that you feel. Share a little. See how they respond. At another time, share a little bit more. See how they react. Rinse and repeat. Patiently and intentionally so.
Stop trying to pull stuff out of people.
There are all kinds of ways to be manipulating and controlling — and deciding that someone should move at your pace in a relationship is a way to be both things. In other words, not everyone is emotionally unavailable or immature simply because they don’t want to share every childhood experience or their relationship stories with you by date three.
No doubt, a lot of people self-sabotage something that could’ve been good because they were rushing someone to move outside of their comfort zone — knowing damn well that they would’ve had a problem with that if the shoe was on the other foot. Chill…what someone wants to tell you, they will. If they don’t? All you can — and should — do is decide if you want to move forward or not. That doesn’t require force on your part to come to that conclusion.
Nervousness is one thing. Being fearful is something else.
If the reason why you’re floodlighting is because you’re scared that people will not accept you or that they will abandon you, it really is best to put dating aside for a season and get into some therapy. Because, while being nervous about a potentially new relationship is completely understandable, being afraid of organic intimacy and then doing things that can hinder or prevent it is something completely different.
Put the tests away.
Listen, if you recall the tests that you took back in school, I have no clue why you’d want to put others through tests now that you’re a big-time adult. Tests are stressful, pressuring and sometimes, no matter how smart you are, you’re not going to perform well on them because you’re simply not a good test-taker (some of y’all will catch that later). There’s no need to “test” someone to see if they can take all of who you are. Again, time will reveal that on its own.
___
Personally, I think that floodlighting is so common that folks don’t even realize that they’re doing it or how problematic it actually is. Hopefully, this helps to shed some light.
Vulnerability tests? Uh-uh.
Seeing if someone can be depended on to care for you as you are? Relax. Time. Will. Reveal.
Now go on your date(s) and have fun. Damn. #winkLet’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images