Okay, so I read a lot of y'all's comments, and if there's one thing that I know at least 85.9 percent of you are totally down for, it's a good bottle of wine. Well, guess what place is known for all of the best that wine has to offer? Spain! It's actually the third-largest wine producer in the entire world. That, along with flamenco (a Spanish art form that incorporates song, dance, and guitar playing); their beaches (including Canary and Balearic islands); its signature foods like the meat/seafood rice dish paella; the 2-3 hour-long naps known as siestas and of course, bullfighting—doesn't it seem like Spain would be the ultimate girls' trip? Yeah, I think so too.
That's why I thought I should take out a moment or two to hip you to something that I just read about this past weekend. If you decide to visit the beautiful village of Porto Cristo (which is on the east coast of Mallorca), there is a hotel that, quite frankly, I'm not sure which part excites me more—the fact that you can stay there for $80 per night or that it's a—get this—women's only hotel. Yep, you heard that right.
This past June, Spain opened up the Som Dona Hotel, its first hotel that is exclusive to women ages 14 and up. This makes it ideal for solo travel, rolling out with a few of your besties or any other female combo you've got in mind.
I'm thinking that for you avid movers 'n shakers, that's already enough info to book a reservation. But for those of you who would like just a few more details, here are some extra deets.
What Are the Best Things About the Som Dona Hotel?
The Som Dona hotel is a 39-room resort that has an "absolutely no men allowed" policy and is totally customized to suit our needs. As you can see from the picture above, each room is bright and modern. It comes with a queen-sized bed, a private toilet and a fully-stocked bar. There are on-site massages and face and body treatments, local and international cuisine menu options, free Wi-Fi and four-star, 24-hour service.
Something else that's impressive about the hotel is, although some men are employed at the hotel (due to the avoidance of discrimination laws), hiring women is the hotel's top priority. And, as far as the hotel's guests go, the hotel told Insider that it welcomes "singles, couples, mothers with daughters, businesswomen and incentives groups, friends, and relatives." (By the way, if you are a big-time solo traveler, for your own safety and well-being, take a moment to check out "The 50 Most Dangerous Countries for Women Travelers to Visit Solo, Ranked" in case you plan on getting a lot of stamps on your passport over the next few months.)
What Is There to Do in Porto Cristo?
Sea Beach Spain Sand Sky Mallorca HolidayI'm thinking that if you went to Porto Cristo and spent half of the time at the hotel, hanging out by its beach-style pool or sipping on a drink while sitting on its rooftop terrace, you'll be perfectly content. But there are some pretty cool things to do in the village as well. Not only is the Som Dona Hotel close to the very best beaches in Majorca, it's also walking distance from one of the area's favorite attractions— Caves of Drach (four conjoining caves that you are able to tour).
Visitors of Porto Cristo are huge fans of the bubble tea spot Zugga; the seafront promenade eateries, bars and clubs in Cala Millor, and walking to what looks like a tiny castle called the Sa Coma Viewing Point. Porto Cristo also has a safari zoo and a tropical park. Folks also really enjoy the historic town Artà where you can take boat trips, visit markets or do a little sightseeing of its landmarks.
And what if walking all over the place isn't really your thing? No problem. There are vespas (which pretty much look like scooters or tiny motorcycles) that are available for rent too.
When’s the Best Time to Go?
So, when is the best time to go to Porto Cristo? It's important to keep in mind that it's a part of the world that has a Mediterranean climate that consists of hot dry summers and pretty mild winters. This means that if you want to have the ideal summer vacation, it's best to go during the months of July and August, although you can comfortably swim in the beaches from June thru October. If you'd prefer to avoid rainy weather at all costs, September is the wettest month and January, hands down, is the coldest one.
As far as your coins go, of course, you'll need euros while you're there. But from what I've seen, it's pretty darn affordable across the board. At the time that I'm penning this, one dollar equals out to about one euro (it's more like .89). With that in mind, a three-course meal is around 15-20 euros, a bus ticket is 2-5 euros and a boat tour is somewhere around 50 euros. ATMs are everywhere (you'll typically get charged two percent per withdrawal), cash is king and hotels do take major credit cards and debit cards.
Yes, yes, y'all. If you and your girls have been talking about going on a vacation, but you can't figure out where, how could you possibly go wrong with a hotel that was made with you, a woman, in mind and has no other guests but women? Dope. Definitely dope.
For more info, visit Som Dona Hotel or email dona@somhotels.es.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
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This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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Featured image by Giphy