Not too long ago, while having a conversation with someone who has recently become engaged, she said something that inspired me to tackle this topic on a grander scale. As she was expressing all of the reasons why she loves her fiancé and is ready to share her life with him, towards the end, she said, “I just wish sex wasn’t so much of a big deal to him.”
*Car screeching* (you know, screeching in my mind). Then I heard myself say, “What do you mean?”
“I mean, he wants to have sex a couple of times a week and I’m like, ‘Why is sex all that you think about?’”
When I broke down to her that coitus with your long-term partner, a couple of times a week, is actually pretty normal, she kind of shrugged and said, “I guess. Sex just hasn’t really ever been my thing.” Ah. So now we’re getting somewhere. It’s not that her man is being over-the-top; it’s that sex isn’t something that is a real priority — to her.
While we — “we” as a whole — really need to stop deflecting from our own issues by acting like something is wrong with someone else when they happen to approach life differently than we do, that’s kind of another message for another time. Today, let’s get into what you should do if you read what sis said and you can totally relate. Because while “taking or leaving sex” doesn’t necessarily mean that something is “wrong” with you, if you plan on trying to make a relationship work or last, you should at least get to the root of why that happens to be the case.
Hopefully, the following five questions can help you to do just that.
1.Have You Ever Really Been “into Sex”?
There’s a guy that I know who is currently engaged to be married. I’ve known him for many years now and because my marriage life coaching mind rarely shuts off, he’s been on my “symbolic couch” many times when it comes to deep topics — sometimes, whether he truly wants to be or not. Anyway, something that he’s always told me about sex is it’s not something that’s really a big deal to him. When he does it, for the most part, he enjoys it; at the same time, though, he can think of dozens of other things that he’d rather be doing, shoot, most of the time.
When that came back up on the heels of him telling me that his wedding date had been set, I simply said, “I hope she knows all of this because sex in a marriage isn’t just a ‘fun activity’; it’s a ‘relational responsibility’ too” (umm, even the Bible says so — I Corinthians 7:5). Like the woman that I just mentioned, he also simply shrugged, said that she seemed to be fine with his attitude about it (even though he also admitted that her drive and desire are way higher than his) and then he changed the subject. Yeah, good luck with all-a-dat.
Listen, I’ve written articles on this platform about people who like to have sex but hate to kiss (check out “Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?”) along with people who enjoy intercourse but close-to-loathe oral sex (check out “Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?”). The conclusion that I’ve come to is, just because a lot of us really enjoy sex (some of us to the point of not being able to get enough of it), there is also a fairly large group of folks who don’t see it as being a huge priority in their life.
It’s not due to drama or trauma either — it’s just not what tops their list of favorite things. If that’s you and it’s always been that way, again, I get it. Just make sure that it’s really “just because” because the guy that I just mentioned has some sexual abuse in his history and the woman from the intro has been faking orgasms for years. Both of them should speak with a professional, just to make sure there aren’t some unattended wounds or issues that need to be addressed.
And you know what? If what I just said about them triggered you somehow…so should you.
2.Is It a Sex Issue or an Intimacy Issue? (Or Both?)
Another thing that is definitely worth exploring is if you have a ho-hum attitude about sex itself or if there is something about intimacy that you are kinda-sorta lukewarm about. The reason why it’s important to separate the two is because while, in an ideal world, the physical act of sex and the emotions that come with intimacy would go hand in hand in a relationship, sometimes they simply…don’t.
What I mean by that is, some people don’t enjoy the closeness of sex because there are certain things about sex that they’re not super fond of. It could be the wetness of it (sweat, bodily fluids on the sheets, etc.). It could be that penetration has never been all that appealing to or stimulating for them. It could be that, ever since they began having sex, it was more about doing it for someone else or doing it to maintain the expectations of a relationship, so they’ve never figured out what pleases them when it comes to the act. It could also be that they’ve never had an orgasm before, so they don’t really get what all of the hype is about (I’m sure you see where I’m going with this).
On the (emotional) intimacy side, it could be that they don’t like how “naked” sex makes them feel when it comes to having very little to hide because, if there’s anything that encourages people to shed it all — both externally as well as internally — in order to reveal who they truly are…sex would be it. That’s why, when I first heard Iyanla Vanzant say that intimacy is into-me-see, it resonated because when the clothes are off, the make-up is off — there’s just you.
This actually reminds me of something that recently transpired in a sensuality class that I was in. The instructor was encouraging us all to make noise while breathing (like when you yawn or stretch) and it was funny to see how some folks were stressing all the way out because of it. One of the students said that she felt self-conscious about sharing that part of herself in front of other people.
Listen, I’m not sure how anyone has sex without some heavy breathing going on. Yet, since there is life inside of every breath (literally), ironically, there is an exchange of intimacy that transpires within those moments. If you’re not used to 1) letting your walls down and/or 2) revealing all of who you really and truly are, and/or 3) not just letting someone enter into your body but into your mind and feelings too — that could be why you try to avoid sex at every turn.
Hey, just something to think about.
3.What Are YOUR Expectations of Sex in a Dating Dynamic? How Realistic Are They?
GiphyThere is an elephant in the room that needs to be addressed and it quite possibly has something along the lines of a church choir robe on — if you’re running cold when it comes to sex due to your religious beliefs and convictions, that’s an entirely different matter. There’s no way around the fact that the Bible defines fornication as sex between people who aren’t married and that it frowns upon that activity (Ephesians 5:3, Colossians 3:5, I Corinthians 6:9-10). So, if that’s why you’re avoiding sex in your relationship, understood.
HOWEVER, what I will say is that it doesn’t make a lot of sense to try and build a relationship with someone who doesn’t have a similar perspective and value system as you do. It’s also pretty manipulative to weaponize intimacy in the sense of using sex as a “bait carrot” to get someone to hurry up and commit to you. Bottom line, in this case, is, if you would rather do without physical intimacy due to your religious/spiritual stance, find someone who feels the same way. It’s easier on everyone involved if/when you do.
With that exception being out of the way, when it comes to “odd expectations” in this area, not too long ago, I watched a video that featured a young woman who said that while she engages in casual sex, when she’s actually interested in someone, she implements the 90-day rule because he needs to “earn” it.
Umm, maybe it’s just me but that sounds like there’s some real internal confusion and conflicted resolves going on — so, the guys you don’t really care about can get it randomly while the one you do has to work and wait? What an interesting world that we live in these days (it also sounds like she’s using sex in order to get something out of the person she’s interested in which is another low-key form of manipulation). If one person should have to earn it, everyone should. Shouldn’t they?
Anyway and again, religious beliefs (or even being atheistic or agnostic and still wanting to wait until a relationship has a full commitment attached to it) aside, a HUGE part of what takes a relationship from being “just friends” to being so much more than that is sexual intimacy; especially if you’re someone who expects sexual exclusivity with your partner. So, how much sense does it make to go into a relationship expecting your partner to have sex with no one else but you, and yet you barely want to have sex?
I can’t tell you how many wives I know who abuse sex in this way — they don’t want their man to cheat and yet they think that putting them through a sexless marriage (which is sex that is 10-15 times a year tops) shouldn’t be a problem. ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?
When you get a chance, go on over to Google and put “constructive abandonment” into the search field. It’s basically when a spouse can sue their partner for not fulfilling the obligations of marriage which include sex. Yep, that’s how serious sex can be. And that’s why, before even getting into a romantic relationship with someone, you should think long and hard about what your sexual expectations are in a relationship and what you would prefer your partner’s sexual expectations to be.
By the way, this isn’t something that you wait on until you’ve been dating for five months before talking about it either. Whether you’ve had sex already or not, when you both are ready to officially take things to the next level (check out “The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have”), sexual expectations need to be on the table — not what you think your partner wants or would like to hear…what is the absolute truth about where you stand…and why.
4.Are You Open to Evolving Your Views on Sex?
GiphyI’m gonna be honest with you — I’m not old but I have been around for a hot minute and with the line of work that I’m in (relationships), I’ve seen quite a bit. And when it comes to how men view sex — if they do have a religious conviction and are practicing abstinence, they don’t want to date for long and if they don’t, most are not interested in being in a relationship where sex isn’t, not just involved, but a constant in their dating dynamic (especially if they sign up to be exclusive with someone else).
So, if you’ve had a pretty nonchalant view of sex, the next thing to ponder is if you’re willing to evolve in that area. Because listen here, if there’s one thing that most men are not going to waver on, it’s their sexual appetite and needs — and at the end of the day, it’s not fair for you to expect them to just because you may be more “meh” about sex than they are.
It kind of reminds me of one of my favorite relationship quotes which says, “Relationships fail because people take their own insecurities and try and twist them into their partner’s flaws.” While having a lower libido, not being all that gung-ho about having sex, and/or being someone who likes it whenever you have it, but you’re cool going a while without it aren’t exactly “insecurities,” it’s not problematic when others have a high drive, have sex on their top five list of favorite things to do and want to have it often either.
That’s why it can really do you some good to do some sex journaling (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”) so that you can figure out why you feel the way that you do about sex, what’s open for compromise or negotiation and what would you be willing to evolve in under the right circumstances (along with what exactly those circumstances would be). Because even if you can “take or leave sex,” chances are, there are certain things that will cause you to change your perspective…even if it's just a lil’ bit.
5.Have You Shared All of This with Your Partner? If Not, Why Not?
GiphyA husband of over a couple of decades at this point told me that when he was dating his wife, she was initiating sex all of the time. After about two years of marriage, all of a sudden, she was trying to gaslight him into thinking that he had a sex addiction (?!) simply because he wanted to engage in copulation a couple of times a week.
UGH. She sounds ridiculous.
Another husband told me that while in premarital counseling, he expressed his desire for fellatio as his wife (fiancée at the time) said that she thoroughly enjoyed giving it. In eight years, he got it four times.
UGH. SHE LIED.
Moral of the story? You are doing no one any favors by being covert about your genuine feelings when it comes to sex — no matter what they are. And if a part of you is like, “But what if he’s perfect for me but we’re just not on the same page about sex?” Then I hate to break it to you but…he’s not as ideal of a fit as you think. Among the reasons for divorce, a lack of intimacy or incompatible intimacy continues to top the list; this means that you can’t expect to be in a romantic relationship and think that someone will be fine with no sex, “meh” sex or inconsistent sex; the sooner that gets discussed, the better.
So yes — I’ll close this out by saying, it is an absolute must that if you saw yourself in this piece that you speak with your partner. It doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you; however, it is wrong to hide your views and perspectives in order to accomplish some sort of relational goal.
And what if “taking or leaving sex” is something that you feel but you’re not sure why? Setting up an appointment with your doctor to get your hormone levels checked and/or seeing a reputable life coach/counselor/therapist to see if there is something mental or emotional going on couldn’t hurt.
Bottom line is — and it really can’t be said enough — not everyone sees fireworks when it comes to sex or wants to have it every other day and that’s okay. All I’m saying is if you’re in a relationship, you shouldn’t assume that others do or should feel like you do nor should you try and make them feel bad or dismiss their own sexual needs simply because they don’t.
A part of what comes with being in a healthy relational dynamic is compatibility. Including sex. Whatever attitude you and your partner may have about it…make sure you’re both in sync (especially prior to jumping the broom). It’s only fair…and right.
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
GiphySometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
GiphyOne day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
GiphyNow that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
GiphyIf you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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