Man, if I could track down the Black woman’s back that I saw about a month ago on somebody’s social media platform, just so you could see what (partially) inspired me to pen this piece, I promise you that I would. Between how toned she was and her completely flawless skin, it reminded me of a conversation that some people and I semi-recently had about one of the most unsung sexiest parts of the male and female body: the back.
I’m not proud of it; “it” being the fact that it really wasn’t until I got into my 40s that I even started to care about my back and its needs — on any level, really. However, now that I am more aware and far more grateful for it, I have become more intentional. And that has, as a direct result, caused me to feel more comfortable and confident in wearing certain items that reveal more of my back than I used to back in the day.
You know, it really is kinda wild that, even though many of us take great measures to keep our butt looking great, it’s like we totally overlook the fact that it’s hard for folks to notice it without seeing our back in the process. So, for cosmetic and health-related reasons, if you know that you’ve been neglecting that part of you, here are 15 things that you can do to bring some (more) sexiness (and comfortability) to that particular area of your body.
Starting and ending with two Black sistahs who can serve as some firsthand inspiration and motivation. #SALUTE
@shygirlfit We not skipping back day 🦾💚 #fittok #blackgirlworkouts #backdayworkouts #fyp
1. Invest in a Back Washer and a Back Roller
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If any of you are considering taking a yoga class (or staying in one), let back care be a huge motivator. Boy, no matter how often I am told that I don’t look my age, if there’s one thing that will confirm that I’ve earned each and every year, it’s my decline in flexibility — and yes, that makes giving my back the kind of thorough skincare that it needs pretty challenging.
Something that has helped immensely is investing in tools that are specifically designed to reach my back. One is an exfoliating back washer (like this one here), and the other is a back roller that’s designed to apply different skin products (like this one here). Both have made the previous stress and strain of trying to reach all areas of my back a total thing of the past. Both are also some of the best self-care decisions that I have ever made.
2. Apply Oil-Free Products
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You’ve probably heard before that pimples are (typically) the result of an overproduction of sebum (an oily substance that your glands naturally produce in order to keep your skin moisturized) that will sometimes mix with bacteria and dead skin cells and clog up your pores. Since it can be somewhat easy to neglect your back, this is where the term “bacne” — back acne — comes from. If you naturally have oily skin or you don’t want to add to the sebum issue on your back, try and go with skincare products that are either oil-free or water-based. Byrdie has a list of oil-free washes here. Allure has a list of water-based moisturizers here.
3. Try Some Pimple Patches
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I can’t believe at my age that I’m still dealing with period pimples (check out “7 Natural Remedies For Hormonal Acne”), yet…here we are. And although I will be the first one to say that I was skeptical about pimple patches, if you’ve got a whitehead or a bump that seems to be full of pus or water, those suckers really do work (Mighty Patch is the brand that I personally use). They really will suck the gunk out, and you really will see a cloudy circle on your patch where the hydrocolloid has turned it all into a gel-like substance so that you see less inflammation and you’re less tempted to pick.
I’m saying all of this to say that if you’ve got a hot date coming up and there’s a zit on your back that you need to dissolve ASAP, so long as it’s not a blind pimple, a pimple patch (if you leave it on for 6-8 hours or so) can do wonders! No joke.
4. And/Or Some Salicylic Acid Pads
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While we’re on the topic, something else that can help with not only pimples but callouses, corns, dandruff, and even psoriasis is salicylic acid. It’s a type of acid that’s designed to exfoliate the skin pretty effectively. As a bonus, it contains anti-inflammatory properties, too. Something that I really like about salicylic acid is it not only works at clearing up breakouts faster, it can also help to keep them from forming in the first place.
So, you definitely should have some of these skin pads in your arsenal — for your back, your face, and that corn that may be on one of your pinky toes (just sayin’).
5. Consider a Chemical Peel for Any Post-Inflammatory Hyperpigmentation (PIH)
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I’ve been doing at-home chemical peels for a hot minute now. I’ll be sharing my experience with them in another piece. For now, what I will say is learning that there is a significant difference between actual acne scars and what is known in the expert skincare world as post-inflammatory hyperpigmentation has been a real game-changer for me.
Long story short, while an acne scar tends to do long-term damage to your skin (sometimes to the point where only a dermatologist can help), post-inflammatory hyperpigmentation is the dark spots that are oftentimes left behind once a pimple goes away. Once I learned this, the approach to my skin has been a bit different — and yes, chemical peels have become a big part of that. That’s because, now that I know that I’m looking to even my skin tone and not actually alter the structure of my skin, chemical peels have helped to accomplish my actual goal, not just on my back but anywhere a dark spot (usually from a pimple) pops up.
I can’t speak for every company; however, I will tell you who I’ve been rolling with: it’s called Perfect Image. They’ve got peels at different concentration levels (start at 10 percent and build up; 30 and especially 50 percent are where the big kids play), their products are affordable, and I’ve seen some real changes in the appearance of my skin since I’ve been using them. Anyway, just something else to keep in mind if you want a clear-looking back…including when it comes to the evenness of its complexion.
6. Make Sure Your Bras Fit
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Although it continues to be somewhat of a debatable topic, there is more and more data that is being released about the fact that, on some levels, it can actually be more beneficial to go without wearing a bra (and most certainly without wearing one all of the time). Still, if you’re someone who prefers the extra lift that they provide, please make sure that your bras fit well. It’s a fair thing to mention since it still appears to be that almost 80 percent of women are continuing to wear the wrong size (women are also keeping bras for too long; you should be getting 4-6 new ones on an ANNUAL basis).
Why does this matter when it comes to your back? Well, remember the zits that I need pimple patches for? Usually, they come from either my bra straps or the back parts of my bra — and the more that your bra is digging into your skin, the more likely those pores are going to clog up and wreak total havoc on your skin.
7. Get a “Back Facial” Once a Season
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Even with all of the things that you can do at home to keep your back looking lovely, nothing beats the support of a professional aesthetician. My waxer happens to be a licensed one, and when I shared with her some of my personal back concerns, she recommended that I get a professional back facial once a season (four times a year) — and it has made all of the difference in the world. She exfoliates, removes blackheads, applies a chemical peel, massages, and deeply moisturizes it. I can always see and feel the difference, for weeks later, after getting a back facial. It’s always been a wise move.
8. Watch Your Hair
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The sebum that comes from your scalp is designed to trickle down your hair shaft; that way, your hair is able to remain soft and moisturized. Due to the super curly texture that a lot of us have, oftentimes, we have to replenish the moisture that our strands do not receive by applying a variety of hair products. Well, when you wear your hair down (and it’s got some length to it), all of that stuff on your strands can get onto your back and start to clog up your pores.
Not only that, but if you wear long extensions (including braids or twists that require extensions), the friction from the hair can irritate the skin that’s on your back as well. That’s why you should try to wear your hair up as much as you do down and definitely give your back some extra TLC on the “wear it down” days — just to be on the safe side.
9. Get Some Dumbbells
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Now that we’ve got a lot of cosmetic points about your back out of the way, let’s talk about why I started and ended this article off with a video of a Black woman whose back is truly sexy AF. Y’all, there is no way around the fact that a huge part of what makes their backs look the way that they do is that they partake in a regular and consistent exercise routine. And the reason why getting some dumbbells to work out with is a good idea is that they are a convenient form of exercise equipment that can help you to strengthen your heart, further develop your balance and coordination, gain muscle, and lose weight. So, if you want to tone your back, cop yourself two of ‘em.
As far as what size/weight to get, Women’s Health has an article that can guide you here. And when it comes to the kind of exercises that you should do with your dumbbells that will help you to target your back, even from the comfort and convenience of your own home, I found some helpful YouTube videos (that feature women) here, here, and here.
10. Focus on Your Core
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People who have a six-pack don’t just look great in a bathing suit; they are also doing certain exercises that support their lower back. I know this because working on your abs means that you’re strengthening the core of your body — and that always helps your spine to remain nice and strong. I found a brotha on YouTube who has a beginner’s video for working on ab muscles; you can check it out here.
11. Master a Few Different Yoga Positions
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You can read articles on our site like “The Unexpected Lessons Yoga Taught Me About Life,” “5 Best Yoga Poses For An Emotional Release,” “I Took A Yoga Class & Proved To Myself That Yoga Is For Plus-Sized Women Too,” “The 5 Yoga Poses That Will Improve Your Sex Life,” and “7 Yoga Stretches To Relieve Your Lower Back Tension” to get a feel for how much of a yoga fan that we are in this space.
Well, when it comes to your back, specifically, yoga reduces tension, increases flexibility, tones, improves breathing, and strengthens your core. Positions that will help to accomplish all of this? The Cobra. The Cat-Cow. The Bridge. The Half Lord of the Fishes. And the always popular Downward-Facing Dog.
12. Avoid Inflammatory Foods
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I recently read an article that said, “All processed foods can cause inflammation.” And while all inflammation is not bad, when it’s at excessive levels, it can contribute to all sorts of health issues, including diabetes, obesity, and depression. Inflammation can also lead to back discomfort. That’s why it’s important to exercise, be super picky about what mattress you choose, and pay attention to your diet because there are certain foods that will trigger more inflammation in your system than you need.
Some of those include “white foods” like white rice, pasta, and bread, an excessive amount of red meat, sugary foods, soda, and (a certain amount of) dairy.
13. Take a Glucosamine Supplement
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Something that tends to fade over time (meaning, as we age) is cartilage. Since it’s the type of elastic tissue that supports our joints and our spine, this is definitely something that we should proactively care about. A supplement that can assist in this area is glucosamine. If you’ve never heard of it before, it’s a substance that’s a natural building block for the cartilage that is already in your system.
Since it can also help with reducing inflammation, treating glaucoma, and even helping to relieve the symptoms that are directly associated with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), you should discuss with your doctor if it’s something that you should add to your healthcare regimen. It could be just what your back has been looking/waiting for.
14. Keep Your Sheets Clean
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You would think that this one would go without saying, yet after reading an article that said that people, on average, only change their bed sheets every three weeks or so (what in the world?!) — listen, you shed way too many dead skin cells and sweat (and possibly have sex) too much throughout the night to not be putting new bedding down on a weekly basis — not just for obvious hygienic reasons but to keep your skin great-looking too.
While we’re on the topic, make sure that you wash with the kind of detergent that is gentle on your skin. Some people are so busy looking for something that smells spring fresh all week long that they don’t realize it’s the direct cause of their itchy and irritated skin.
15. Sleep “Right”
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Posture is always gonna be important. Full stop. Yet if a part of the reason why it’s hard for you to keep your back the way it’s supposed to be is that you’ve got lower back discomfort going on, it could be due to the fact that you’re not sleeping in a way that best supports that particular part of your body.
If you want to “align your spine,” many health experts say that it’s best to sleep on your back, sleep on your side with a pillow in between your knees, or get into the ever-so-comfortable fetal position. If you apply this gem (along with the other back-themed tips), you and your back will be walking more in agreement than ever. Pardon the pun but…straight up. #wink
@kerendesir sexyback no JT #backgainz #gymtiktok #gymgirlsoftiktok #blackgirlfitness #foryoupage #fyp #doritosduetroulette #upperbodyworkout #blackwomentiktok #girlswholift #musclemommy
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
A Cosmic Guide To Love In 2025: What The Stars Have In Store For Your Heart
The most important lesson we are learning about love in 2025 is change. Many major Astrological transits are happening this year, and these will last for years to come. As we walk through this new year, we are being asked to let go of the things we can’t control, and give more grace to the things we can. This is a year of a new perspective on love, finding gratitude in the little things, and watching as the universe supports us and the dreams we build for ourselves here.
At the beginning of the year, we are being shown how significant 2025 will be for love. From March 1, 2025, until April 12, 2025, Venus, the planet of love and relationships, will be retrograde. Venus goes retrograde approximately every 18 months and hasn’t been retrograde since the Summer of 2023. With love taking a step back at the beginning of the year, we move through a time of understanding the emotional world better and letting go of trying to control outcomes here.
What Does 2025 Have in Store for Love?
It’s time to refocus your relationship priorities overall, and with this retrograde happening in both Aries and Pisces, Aries being the first sign of the zodiac and Pisces being the last; there is a chapter we are closing and a new one we are walking into.
Another significant factor that is influencing relationships this year, is Jupiter’s entry into Cancer. Jupiter brings blessings, abundance, luck, and expansion, and in water sign Cancer, brings these gifts to your emotions. Cancer rules emotional safety, foundations, close loved ones, family, support, and emotional well-being, and with Jupiter in this sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, we experience blessings in stability within love. This is a good year for building stronger foundations in love, aligning with those who are loyal and supportive, knowing what you need emotionally, and being a lot clearer on it.
Letting Go of the Past: The Astrological Theme of 2025
Overall, the guideline for the year when it comes to love is to focus on the bigger picture and let things work themselves out without forcing them to. Magic will come in for you this year when you can assess your needs and wants, let go of illusions or smoke and mirrors, and focus on the things you want for yourself rather than what you don’t. Your focus and beliefs on love are the priority right now, and things will be coming full circle for the better.
Read below to see your personal 2025 love forecast. Read for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
What Does Your Zodiac Sign Say About Your 2025 Love Life?
ARIES
2025 is one of the more significant years for you, Aries. A lot of the major transits are happening in your sign, which includes Venus retrograde in Aries at the beginning of the year, Neptune in Aries from March 2025 until 2039, and Saturn in Aries from May 2025 until 2028. Not to mention, Chiron, the wounded healer is currently in your sign until 2027.
What this means for you when it comes to love, is that you have learned a lot about where you want to be here, and it’s the year to implement more of these tools and knowledge of the heart.
This year for love is about honoring your integrity and what you need personally to thrive in life and creating that space to let it in. You need someone who will be there for you through whatever you are experiencing in life and not someone who adds to these challenges. This year is a time of rising above, and choosing better for yourself.
TAURUS
2025 for you when it comes to love, is all about perspective and taking better care of your heart, Taurus. Uranus, the planet of change, rebellion, progress, and upheaval, has been in your sign since 2019, and this year you get a break from all of the surprises. From Jul. 7, 2025, until Nov. 7, 2025, Uranus leaves your sign and enters Gemini, giving your mind and your heart some time to breathe.
This year you are being given the opportunity to see things for what they are, rather than what you fear them to be. You are able to see your relationship dynamics clearer, allowing you to feel more confident in what you are building and creating for yourself in this area of your life. What you are working on this year is letting go of overthinking, and allowing things to play out the way they are meant to in love.
GEMINI
This year you are feeling in balance when it comes to love, Gemini. Relationships are important to you in life overall, as you are a relationship-oriented sign, but it can be difficult at times to keep the balance and perspective here. This year, with lucky Jupiter in your sign until June, you have the opportunity to be blessed with some fortunate circumstances personally and within romance.
You are feeling yourself this year, and this is attracting you success and new opportunities within love.
Uranus will also be in your sign this year from Jul. 7 until Nov. 7, and some surprises are in store for you. Pay attention to what happens in your love life during this period, as similar themes will be coming back around for you when Uranus officially enters its Gemini transit from 2026 - 2032. Overall, this year is about balancing what’s coming and going in love, and finding your peace within your inner confidence for it all.
CANCER
2025 for you, Cancer, is about stability in love. You are growing emotionally from the ground up, and are feeling a sense of support, confidence, romance, and receptivity in your love life this year. You are one of the lucky signs of 2025, and this is due to Jupiter, the planet of blessings, entering your sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026. While Jupiter is in your sign, your life expands and you are able to see the gifts of your world that may have been harder to come by previously.
This is a year of spending more time with your loved ones and feeling more heard and supported emotionally. Safety and security are especially important to you this year, and you are only entertaining the people who feel that way about you and provide that. Many Cancers will be expanding their families this year or developing a long-term relationship, and overall this is a year of feeling stronger when it comes to love.
LEO
When it comes to love this year for you, Leo, it’s about trusting your intuition and listening more to what your heart is telling you. There are not many major transits happening in Leo in 2025, which means there is a lot of room to grow, but you may be feeling a lack of support or encouragement to do so. A lot of Leos are taking a step back to look at where they are currently in love, and yearning for some change and a new direction here.
Neptune will be in your 9th house of adventure for most of this year, and you are being asked to get inspired and do things differently, but don’t take unnecessary risks in love that may not serve you in the long run.
It can be easy to get lost in the fantasy of love rather than the actual reality you’ll live in here, and taking more time to understand yourself, your relationships, and the dynamics in your love life will be necessary. Overall, your heart is healing this year and you are moving away from the past and creating your new future.
VIRGO
This year when it comes to love, you are going through changes that are aligning you closer to your goals and dreams here, Virgo. You are focused on making things work that you want to see bloom, and also letting go of putting effort into people that aren’t reciprocating the same energy. With the North Node entering your sister sign Pisces and the South Node moving into your sign from Jan. 11, 2025, until Jul. 26, 2026, you are doing a lot of letting go over the next year.
However, with the North Node being in your 7th house of love, new doors and gifts are also opening up for you and your partnerships. The more you can let go of perfection and overworking your mind and your heart, the more blessings you will experience when it comes to love this year. In 2025, you also have two Eclipses in your sign, and there are overall a lot of changes Virgos are moving through this year. Your main guidance for love is to stand by the things that serve your heart and release yourself from what burdens it.
LIBRA
Love is coming to fruition for you this year, Libra. You have been through a lot in your personal life these past few years, and walking into 2025, you are ready for some positive change. This is a year of feeling in balance with your personal goals and dreams, and what you are experiencing romantically and financially as well. Relationship dynamics are serving you and your sense of abundance, and many gifts are coming your way in love this year.
With Neptune, Chiron, and Saturn all being in your 7th house of love, your love life and partnerships are the main focus for you in 2025.
You are moving through changes, overcoming previous obstacles, and bringing back the dreamy energy here. With Chiron in the 7th, you are still doing some healing of the heart, but with Neptune now entering, it all feels a little more romantic and spiritual at the same time. This year is about believing in the impossible in love, taking care of yourself, and allowing someone else to take care of you as well.
SCORPIO
This year is all about opportunity when it comes to love, Scorpio. You have your eyes on the prize and are focused on what you want for yourself, but also how you want to show up for love as well. You have goals and intentions that you are setting for your love life this year, and a lot of them reflect the passion and strength you are feeling as you enter the year. Vesta is in your sign this year until September, and you have a spark within you that is a magnet for success and love. You are walking forward confidently and are feeling inspired, sexy, and magical this year.
This is a very sensual and powerful year for you, and this energy is being reflected in the relationship experiences you are having. Jupiter also enters your 9th house of adventure halfway through the year, and there is something special about the trips you are taking and the risks you are taking in love. Overall, this is a year of doing things your way and attracting love to you through your inner confidence and charisma.
SAGITTARIUS
This is a beautiful year of feeling balanced and abundant in love, Sagittarius. There is a lot of energy coming in and you are giving a lot of love as well. This sense of synergy you are feeling within your love life this year has a lot to do with Juno, the asteroid of soulmates, in your sign from Feb. 19 - Apr. 15. Your people are coming in and you have options this year, Sag.
This is a year of feeling loved for the inspiring, outgoing, and unique being you are, and meeting more people who match your energy.
Saturn also enters your 5th house of romance this year, and you are learning a lot through your experiences with others. You are learning how to be more confident in who you are and what you want for yourself and also recognizing the importance of making more time for fun and playful experiences. This is the year to see love as a more light-hearted experience and to not take yourself too seriously.
CAPRICORN
You are letting things come to you when it comes to love this year, Capricorn. You are feeling beautiful, capable, and worthy, and you are receiving the gifts that come from this sense of confidence and patience. This past year, you were setting a lot of new goals for yourself and your relationships, and in 2025, you are experiencing the results of these efforts.
Jupiter moves into your sister sign Cancer from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, and enters your 7th house of love, partnerships, romance, marriage, and harmony. Your love life and experience of it all are expanding this year, and benevolent Jupiter is sending blessings to this area of your life. This is a year of things coming full circle for you in love, and you feel less confused about it all and more sure of yourself and what is becoming for you here.
AQUARIUS
Love is a highlight for you this year, Aquarius. You are coming together with another, and many Aquarius’ will be forming new relationships or growing within a strong relationship. You are experiencing the fruition of your dreams in love, and are also able to heal and let go of past emotional experiences that have been overwhelming for you in the past.
The North Node enters your 12th house of closure this year, and you are motivated towards change, cleaning house, and releasing the cobwebs of the past.
You are walking into new emotional experiences with less baggage and self-doubt, and are experiencing a fresh start in love. This is a year of asking for what you need emotionally and receiving it. Love is coming in for you in harmonious and magical ways, and you are rewriting your story in love in 2025.
PISCES
You are moving through a lot of changes when it comes to love in 2025, Pisces. This is a year of closure, healing, and giving yourself a fresh start, and the way you enter the year will be a lot different than the way you end it. The North Node of Destiny enters your sign this year, and the South Node of Karma enters your 7th house of love. So, a lot of your focus this year is on your personal goals and path, and there may be some neglect or lack of focus on your relationships.
This can create some discord with those close to you, and your guidance for this year is to try to balance the personal successes and wins you are experiencing, with the love changes that also need your attention right now. Know that what leaves your life this year is being replaced by something better, and also know that your healing doesn’t need to have a timeline and you can take as much time as you need to grow. Overall, you are turning a new page in love in 2025.
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New year, new dating style. Courtesy of a former sugar baby.
Being a sugar baby had its (obvious) perks, but the most significant ones didn’t center around the material benefits. To date, I have a bigger appreciation for the lessons I’ve learned and applied them to my dating life.
Dating men of higher social status shortened my tolerance for a lot of things I was convinced were normal. I blamed the universe for attracting undesirable men when it was my fault for allowing undesirable behavior. An interesting dichotomy between those guys and sugar daddies was the treatment I accepted.
It was easier to put my foot down with men of opulence because their privilege meant there was no limit to meeting my desires. Plus, recognizing my own worth made them (the good ones) want to treat me with the same high regard.
I’ll admit you don’t NEED to be an SB to enhance your dating style, but that’s the path I journeyed. It taught me how to be gracefully tough on men based on the simple fact that I’m invaluable. I’ll never convince anyone to be an SB, but feel free to pick a few gems I learned that might take your 2025 dating style to the next level.
Don’t overdo it by showing gratitude.
Let’s stop praising men for the bare minimum.
Yes, it’s okay to make a man feel affirmed but don’t let those affirmations come off too intensely, especially for things that require minimal effort. Don’t tell him about your ex never opening the passenger door for you, don’t brag about him being "The One" because he texted to make sure you got home safely, and most definitely don’t offer up the cat just because he paid a $150 dinner bill (give it because you want to, not out of obligation).
To be honest, I barely even say thank you when a man finds me attractive. “You are so beautiful.” I would respond, “Aww, you’re so sweet.” When he holds the door open, I graze his arm and smile.
Showing too much excitement about the bare minimum strokes his ego and draws a ceiling, which he doesn’t feel he needs to surpass. It tells him you’re not used to regular treatment, so you’ll be grateful for anything. Why do more than necessary? I like my men reflecting at the end of our date, thinking, “What can I do to impress her?”
Don’t stop having manners, though. Just keep it simple and move on.
There’s no such thing as “dating for potential.”
Hold my hand with this one.
There comes a time when the word “potential” shouldn’t be a part of your dating vocabulary. It’s nothing more than the encouragement of false hope. He’s not flaky with time because his schedule is too busy between balancing family and work. It’s because you’re not important enough to prioritize making time for.
He’s not stingy on dates because he’s having a rough time handling all his financial responsibilities. It’s because he’d rather spend his money on things that don’t involve you.
Trust me when I say men don’t date with potential in mind. Many of them hold themselves in very high regard with an “I can do better” mindset, and so should you. There’s A LOT of weight in the saying, “If he wanted to he would.” So stay away from Mr. Shoulda Coulda Woulda because, at the end of the day, he didn’t.
*P.S. If he ever says he doesn’t deserve you, he’s not being sheepishly humble. Take his word for it and run.
Do NOT be afraid to say no.
How many times have you put yourself through something you didn’t want to do based on feeling obligated? You compromised yourself in order to please the person you’re dating because it seemed like the easier option. Let me just remind you of the old saying, “Nothing good in life comes easy.”
I like comparing men to children, not to demean them but to draw similarities. Children often like to push and see how much they can get away with until the parent says no. Once you allow them to get away with one thing, they’ll nudge the limits to see how often they can skate by.
Dating is just like this. Get comfortable giving rejection. It can be an uncomfortable concept for some, so consider saying no and following it with a light reason. For example, “Do you want to come over and watch Netflix?” “No, I don’t feel comfortable going to strangers’ houses.” If his response is anything but understanding with a Plan B, on to the next.
Those boundaries were created to protect you. Any man who respects you will respect them too.
Don’t lay all your cards on the table.
When a man asks, “So what exactly are you looking for?” The vaguest response comes to mind.
It’s a common mistake to think men (not all) ask questions for unselfish reasons. That one, especially, is basically like asking for cheat codes to a game. Describing your idea of a perfect man, dating intentions, etc. allows him to know who he needs to morph himself into in order to get what he wants. Enter love bombing, physical intimacy, delusions of potential, then ghosting.
I’ve said the below on a few first dates and wasn’t surprised by how quickly the guys weeded themselves out.
"I’ve been having fun figuring things out as time goes on. There are times when I love going out to meet new people and times when I love cuddling up on the couch. It depends on how I’m feeling.”
I just said a whole lotta nothing, leaving it up to him to decipher. It’s open-ended, which forces him to show his intentions and let things play out naturally with as little manipulation as possible.
The first date defines how he views you.
This is where all those conversations leading up to this day come into play.
The perfect first date doesn’t only have to consist of 5-star dining and lavish wine collections. Those are merely perks. The perfect first date is valued based on how much effort he put in to show he’s been listening.
You’ve been dropping subtle hints that tulips are your favorite flowers. Did he show up empty-handed? You shared your discomfort with driving to far places at night. Did he book a 9 p.m. reservation somewhere 30 minutes away? You told him about your new venture into veganism. Did he take you to his favorite steakhouse?
These aren’t small things and they’re DEFINITELY not things for you to take on as a challenge. These could be easy signs of a life full of selfishness and laziness if shrugged off by the belief you should be satisfied with him making time for you.
Will taking my advice find you a husband faster? Who knows? But, ultimately, dating isn’t supposed to be an earnest search for a man. It should be a time of personal growth while sorting through experiences to find a partner who will appreciate the valuable woman you are.
Having high standards for yourself doesn’t make you difficult or unreasonable. To the right man, it definitely won’t make you undateable. Like I said before, nothing good in life comes easy.
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