1991 and 1992. Anyone who was a teenager or in college during that time knows that if there were two groups who were constantly on the airwaves and had music visuals in regular rotation, it was SWV (they came out first) and Xscape (they came out the following year).
Wanna talk about a no-skips LP? That would be SWV’sIt’s About Time (a soundbite from their current show is definitely Coko saying, “30 million records sold…bitch”…LOL). And when it comes to Xscape, I will play “Feels So Good,” “My Little Secret,” and “Do You Want To” like they just came out to this day.
So yeah, when news hit cyberspace that they were going to do a reality six-part series together, I automatically knew that I was going to make the time to check it out. I mean, I had watched their shows (featuring them separately) before, and, for better or for worse, it was definitely some must-see TV.
Honestly, that’s why it didn’t shock me one bit when I peeped the People’s article, “Xscape Members Admit to 'Reluctantly' Signing on for New TV Show 'Queens of R&B' with SWV,”; especially when I noticed that Mona Scott-Young was an executive producer (have we ever seen her and Bravo’s Andy Cohen in the same room? Just sayin’).
And now that we’re what, four episodes in, I’ll just say that as someone who’s covered entertainment for many years now, I get that 1) we will never know people, as well as the media, wants us to think that we do; 2) perspectives are just that; and 3) no one is perfect.
That’s why I thought that the show could serve as a bit of a teachable moment in the sense that, rather than ranting incessantly on social media about what everyone is or isn’t/should or shouldn’t be doing, I would pull out seven lessons that stood out to me personally — things that we each can apply to our own lives if we’d instead turn entertainment into some edutainment. Ready?
1. Passive Aggressiveness Is the Ultimate Form of Gaslighting
GiphyIf there is one thing that irks me to no end, it’s a passive-aggressive individual and at the risk of being, well, passive-aggressive (LOL). If you’ve watched every episode of the show, you know exactly who fits the bill. One-word answers. Constantly being in opposition just to make things difficult. Dropping hints instead of coming right on out and saying what the issue is. Always playing the victim. Has an ever-growing scorecard without taking any accountability. Whew, these kinds of folks are completely exhausting. And what really sucks about how they move is that their words and actions float under the radar to the point where, when you get sick and tired of their ish and respond or react, they act like you’re the crazy one for doing so.
At the end of the day, passive-aggressive people think that “keeping the peace” means doing things their way. Yeah, watch that. They’re also chameleons because they will keep switching up based on who they’re around to keep a certain narrative about them going. Watch out for that too. Because if you continue to interact with them without calling them out on their ish, they will get off on gaslighting you — which means getting you to the point where you start to question your own reality, feelings, or perception of things, even though you know what you’re experiencing is real, which can end up driving you totally up the wall with no real benefits for doing so.
2. Toxic Moms Are a Problem That Isn’t Discussed Nearly Enough
GiphyMs. Gloria (LaTocha and Tamika’s mother). LAWD. I was just saying in an interview not too long ago that it’s past time that we fully address the damage that toxic moms are able to do. And if you will get involved in grown children’s issues; if you will try to intimidate your own children by yelling and talking over them like they aren’t adults; if you will minimize one child’s feelings in order to uplift another’s ego (like when Ms. Gloria said that Tamika was jealous of LaTocha behind Tamika’s back while Tamika was venting about feeling mistreated by both of them); if you will call yourself the fifth member of a group that has only four members and act like that justifies you butting into their business at any given time point and time (which it doesn’t); if you will tell a child that your other child may have taken said child’s money because she needed it (what in the world?!) and, if you’ve got one of your children never having peace about her own voice in life because she thinks she has to muffle it in order to get your approval — these are all forms of toxicity in parenting.
Wanna know some other ones?
- Toxic parents are self-centered
- Toxic parents are emotionally unpredictable
- Toxic parents are overly-critical
- Toxic parents disrespect other people’s boundaries
- Toxic parents have a justification for even the most destructive behaviors
- Toxic parents are demanding — oftentimes unrealistically so
- Toxic parents get off on using fear to get what they want, even out of their adult children
- Toxic parents lack any level of self-accountability
- Toxic parents are draining to be around
- Toxic parents basically only apologize to get you to lower your guard so that they can do something else manipulative.
It’s truly irrefutable that Ms. Gloria checks off these boxes. Yet if there is a silver lining to watching all of this go down in Tamika’s world, it’s that it could help some people to “connect some dots” in their own world (by the way, another sign of toxic parenting is a controlling parent because their job, especially once you are an adult, is to advise not dictate; we’ll have to deal with that at another time, though).
You know, unfortunately, when it comes to toxic parents of adult kids, oftentimes we’re told to just grin and bear it out of “respect for our elders.” Uh-huh, and do you know what that is? It’s another sign of toxic parenting because it’s a form of manipulation. And when folks decide to bring the Bible into the mix, the kind of manipulation that it is, specifically, is spiritual manipulation. This brings me to the next point.
3. Spiritual Manipulation Is a Very Real Thing
Giphy“You don’t have enough God in you to calm yourself down and listen to righteousness. And if I hear you jumping on your sister, there ain’t nothin’ in this world that won’t keep me from kickin’ yo tail.”
When I heard Ms. Gloria say the above message on Tamika’s voicemail, it was triggering as literal hell. I mean, you’d have to be completely delusional about what it means to have a Christ-like disposition to think that anything about that was loving, peace-filled, or compassionate. Yet, unfortunately, a lot of every-week-church-going people will think that Christianity is like Showtime at the Apollo back in the day.
What I mean by that is some of us are old enough to remember that they didn’t let you boo someone if they sang a gospel song, no matter how bad they were. In comparison, a lot of people think that they can’t be told about themselves so long as they claim to be a believer or they use — or is it manipulate? — a Scripture to justify their totally reckless behavior.
Even when LaTocha said, “We come from a praying family,” I couldn’t help but think, “there is PRAYING, and then there is PREYING” because if there is a constant discourse, pain, and drama, something is profoundly awry. After all, it is the Good Book itself that says that God is not the author of confusion but peace (I Corinthians 14:33) and that humility is where riches, honor, and life stem from (Proverbs 22:4).
And don’t get me started on the parents who think they can treat their children any ole’ kind of way under the guise of “Honor thy father and mother” (Exodus 20:12) because that very same Bible also says, “Do not provoke your children to wrath” (Ephesians 6:4).
Yeah, it really is time out for thinking that saying one is a Christian is enough to qualify as actually being one because if your character doesn’t complement how the Bible — not church culture but the Bible itself — says that one is supposed to act like, then something is off. WAY OFF. And you should be corrected for it. THE BIBLE SAYS SO.
“He who disdains instruction despises his own soul, but he who heeds rebuke gets understanding.” (Proverbs 15:22 — NKJV)
Besides, if you’re the only one who can delve out judgment calls and never be on the receiving end, not only is that highly hypocritical, that is actually spiritual manipulation at its finest. May we all beware of that.
Oh, and for the record, being spiritual means little if you remain in a state of spiritual immaturity. What are some indications of that?
- Holding grudges is spiritual immaturity (Ephesians 4:26)
- Unforgivingness is spiritual immaturity (Matthew 18:21-22)
- Rudeness is spiritual immaturity (I Corinthians 13:5 — AMPC)
- Not taking personal accountability is spiritual immaturity (I Corinthians 11:31-32)
- Trying to be popular at the expense of avoiding truth is spiritual immaturity (Luke 6:26 — Message)
4. Funky Attitudes Could Have Underlying Issues
GiphyAgain, I have been a fan of SWV since my teen years (my first love used to sing "Weak" to me often). I adored them then, and I enjoy them now ("Rain" is always gonna be my fave). That's why I thought it was interesting when Taj said in the first episode that they hadn't had any — pardon the pun — harmony issues since their 20s. Umm, I watched their 2014 reality television show (SWV Reunited) on WE tv, and it sings a very different tune (check out one example here). And boy, if there was a consistency in why the waters were so rocky, Coko was it.
Coko is a Gemini, and so am I. So, when it comes to the "straight no chaser" delivery that she has, I get it. Although I have to admit that time and intentional maturity on my part has taught me that "just being that way" isn't good enough if it's hurting other people's feelings or it's ultimately doing more harm than good.
As far as Coko, though, it seemed like — I'm gonna bring a word back — being janky never really bothered her, and I always found that to be…fascinating, especially since she always talked about growing up in the church. Like, you don't ever care about ruffling feathers? Like…EVER? Even with all of the talent that you have (because she really can SANG sing), do you not miss out on opportunities because people don't want to deal with so much of your…muchness?
That's why I'm glad she shared that she deals with bipolar depression. Not only does it shed some light on what seemed to oftentimes be erratic behavior on her show, but it also serves as a reminder that sometimes people are the way that they are due to some underlying causes that they might not even know about. Random mood swings. Blindsiding people with certain actions. Projecting issues. Stuff like that can have reasons that require some real therapy and/or medication, which is nothing to be ashamed of.
What people should feel uncomfortable about is constantly making others uncomfortable without looking into why they can be so triggering for them. So yeah, I salute Coko for sharing that private part of her life. She also gets mad props for a headline that I recently checked out: "SWV's Coko Gamble Takes In Cousin's 12-Year-Old Twins After Losing Her to Lupus: 'No Brainer.'" Much respect, indeed.
5. Never Apologize for Having Your Own Voice
GiphyIf there's one thing that seemed to be a running theme with this show, it's everyone wanted to make sure that their voice was heard — and good for them. LeLee has an alter ego (chile…CHILE), for instance. LaTocha wants to do gospel music. And Tamika doesn't want to be the hype man for her sister anymore — and interestingly enough, she seems to be paying for it when it comes to what it's costing her with her sister (and her mother).
Listen, if you don't get anything else out of these takeaways — please take away this: no one is truly your friend, blood or otherwise, if they only like you/can support you/will respect you if you do what they want you to do and/or how they want you to do it.
This is why the people who I counsel know that I will oftentimes say that what causes a lot of discord in relationships is so many people aren't looking for an actual PARTNER; what they want is a FAN and an AUDIENCE. Someone who will tell them that they can do no wrong and will back them up even when they are making the gravest of mistakes. Someone who will discourage you from growing if it's going to cause them to have to share some of their own spotlight. Someone who may claim to appreciate them, but oftentimes, what's really going on is they are quietly jealous— jealous of what could manifest if less focus was put on them.
I remember when I was penning my first book; there were family members who gave me the silent treatment for months because they were trying to intimidate me into not penning my book because they were concerned about how they would look in it. Lucky for them, I was merciful, and honestly, they should've been more concerned about how they treated me than if others were going to find out. That's on them. Yet I'm so glad that I didn't let them silence my voice because, as Alice Walker once said, "No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow."
Someone is in some sort of relationship, friendship, or business partnership, and they know that it is holding them back. Please let all that you just read in this particular section serve as a BIG GREEN LIGHT that it's time to do what needs to be done to go to the next level — with or without them. (Side note: If they are right for you, they won't require that you sacrifice one for the other.)
6. Don’t Stay Stagnant or Stuck
GiphyWhen Todd said in episode three that Xscape and SWV should go to group therapy, even if he was joking, there really is truth in all humor. Between LaTocha and Kandi still having issues from 1998 ('98, y'all) to Taj asking Xscape if they even want to resolve their hamster wheel of drama to LeLee saying, "With girls, it's always some bullshit," to LaTocha still being mad at her group for saying, "If you had an ass to kiss" years later (what in the world?) — you would think that record labels and television shows would almost require that groups go to see a therapist, counselor and/or life coach at least a couple of times a year. Yeah, but that's almost too much like right…right?
It's kind of wild that a part of the reason why these kinds of shows continue to get picked up is that so much drama carries on from year to year to the point where stuff is still getting brought up from decades before — and that's why folks keep getting triggered and ish never gets fully resolved.
Not too long ago, I was in a session with someone who is basically on the verge of self-sabotaging their current relationship because they are still caught up in stuff that they wish their ex had done TWENTY YEARS AGO. And because they are still holding on to all of that, it's got them looking in the past rather than focusing on the present. And when we do that, it's impossible to fully move forward.
Listen, I don't know what the ladies on the show are gonna do. What I do know is healing is a choice, and there are plenty of resources available to us all in order for that to happen. As for this particular takeaway, all I will say is, it would be a damn shame for any of us to miss out on what's best for us because we're still holding onto things in the past that won't change no matter how much we wish that they would.
Hold folks accountable. Set boundaries. Do some releasing as needed (check out "Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead"). Yet purpose in your mind that this will be the year when you do really learn to LET ISH GO. As the Chinese proverb goes, "It's later than you think," so why waste time holding on to what's only keeping you stagnant? Or worse, stuck?
7. EVERYWHERE YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE
GiphyOne more, and then I'm out. Did you peep how one person on the show is the common link in a lot of the drama, and yet that same person hasn't said one thing that they've done wrong? Whew, chile. Whenever I encounter individuals like that, the same quote always comes to mind — "everywhere you go, there you are" because it's the truth.
Indeed, while it's really kind of inconsequential for one person to say that you're problematic in a particular area if 20 folks are echoing the same point (especially people who claim to care about you vs. trolls on the internet…who cares about them?), only those who are complete egomaniacs or totally lack self-awareness wouldn't pause-and-ponder to see if there could be some truth into what is being said.
And those kinds of people? Tuning out the voices only to find another circle to hang out in is counterproductive as hell (Thomas Hobbes once said that "hell is truth seen too late") because if you don't do some self-correcting, the same stuff about you is eventually gonna creep up. That's how the universe teaches us to grow up.
So yeah — whoever gets under your skin the most on the series, my two cents would be to do a bit of self-reflection. Are you similar to them? Have some folks told you about yourself, and you, Elmo shrugged them off? Are you caught up in some patterns that you know it's time to break?
Listen, television programming is just that — TELEVISION PROGRAMMING (which is why we all should watch what we tune into and how much time we spend — or is it waste? — on the tube). Yet if we choose to step outside of just gawking and laughing, the good news is we can learn a few things. This show is certainly not exempt. Not by a long shot.
So, here's hoping that as you're playing your own favorite SWV and Xscape joints, you're taking in one or two life lessons along the way.
Now let me get off of this thing and listen to "You're Always on My Mind" for the billionth time to settle my spirit from all of this keyboard stroking. LOL.
Good times, good times. And yes, teachable moments too. Give thanks.
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Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Relationships aren’t for people who merely want to be catered to (or is it coddled?) all of the time. Relationships are for those who want to be transformed — and that requires being challenged to become a better version of yourself. And yes, that means being willing to give exactly what you want to receive.
Keeping that in mind, what is something that research says will cause a relationship to be a thriving success? Well, before we get into all-a-dat, I’ll just say that I’m not even sure how many therapists/counselors/life coaches would remain in business if people really put what I’m about to say into genuine and consistent practice — I’m not exaggerating either. Because, when I read an article not too long ago about the one thing that science says creates happy unions (although, I personally think that healthy should always trump happy), it made all the sense in the world why “it” would be the answer — and why so many folks struggle to do it.
Because although the answer is simple, easy? Well, that’s another matter entirely. If you keep reading, I think you’ll get where I’m coming from when I say that, too.
The Key to a Happy Relationship Is…
GiphyOkay, so this past winter, Newsweek published an article entitled, “Science Reveals the Simple Secret Behind Happy Relationships.” Before I share, do you first want to take a stab at what the secret is? Well, according to a particular popular study, something that can either help you to remain satisfied if you are currently in a relationship or can make you especially attractive if you are currently looking for one is the art of knowing — more specifically, being intentional about understanding your partner and communicating in a way where you are clearly understood (in walks, the famous quote by author Stephen R. Covey via his bookThe 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: “First seek to understand, then to be understood.”).
My mind constantly has songs running through it (which I personally think is a good thing) and the one that immediately came to mind here is Xscape’s throwback “Understanding.” Sing it with me now: “What I need from you is understanding. How can we communicate, if you don’t hear what I say? What I need from you is understanding. So simple as 1, 2, 3. Understanding is what I need.”
And while, on the surface, this revelation might seem like the biggest “duh” to be shot around the world, the reality is that if understanding was so obvious, why aren’t more people actually being that way towards their partner? While it could be that some folks are either too emotionally immature or too selfish to be in a relationship, to begin with, I’d venture to say the far greater issue is a lot of people know what understanding looks like in theory but not fully and totally when it comes time to actually execute it.
So, allow me to take out a moment to explain six ways that understanding manifests itself in a relationship and then four ways that it…well, doesn’t.
Signs of an Understanding Partner
1. An Understanding Partner Is Empathetic
GiphyIf you are not just willing but as able as possible to put yourself into the shoes of another, this makes you a pretty empathetic individual. That’s because empathy is literally about trying to see things from another person’s perspective so that you can understand them — and what you may be going through with them — better. Empathetic people are good listeners (more on that in a sec). Empathetic people focus more on the present than the past or the future (which keeps them from nagging or worrying).
Empathetic people are good with their body language (no eye-rolling, finger-tapping, or shoulders crossed, which typically convey cynicism or detachment — check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”). Empathetic people think before they speak. Empathetic people seek clarity over passing blame. Yeah, can you just imagine how much happier and especially healthier relationships would be if folks simply strived to be more empathetic? Have mercy.
2. An Understanding Partner Is a Good Listener
GiphyThere is a married couple in my life who, when it comes to communication, I am absolutely floored that they have lasted as long as they have. The husband? He’s charming and extremely funny, oh, but he can’t be quiet long enough to let you complete a sentence to save his life. SMDH. Meanwhile, his wife? To this day, she is the best listener that I have ever known. So much, in fact, that sometimes, when I’m talking to her on the phone, she is so quiet that I think that the call has dropped. LOL. And yes, this clash in their communication styles has caused her to consider divorce court more than a few times. I get why, too.
Cutting people off, talking over them, telling folks what you interpreted from what they said over what was actually stated, gaslighting or making definitive statements over asking questions — all of these are signs of not only being a poor listener but being rude, arrogant, and dismissive as well.
Y’all, while once reading an article on what makes someone a good listener, I really liked that the author said that a good listener is sincere, open-minded, and they are curious — they want to be a “student” of the conversation and not a teacher (hell, some folks act like they are nothing but a self-appointed principal!). When it comes to your listening skills, can you say that you listen like this? Better yet, ask your partner (or friends if you are single) what they think…then LISTEN for their answer.
3. An Understanding Partner Is Considerate
GiphyOne of my clients? I’ve known him for about 20 years at this point, and he continues to hold the blue ribbon for being the politest person I know. Hmph. Ain’t it wild how we can be so hard on children for not displaying good manners, including basic things like saying “please” and “thank you,” when we can’t even do these things our damn selves? That said, a considerate person, yes, has great manners. They also care about not hurting other people’s feelings, will often put others’ needs before their own, are patient with people (bookmark that), and will take accountability for their actions; this includes apologizing when they are wrong.
This brings me to another married couple I know and how the husband tells me that his wife never apologizes. Ugh. The level of arrogance (and/or insecurity) that comes with not being able to humble oneself and admit when they are wrong? There is no way that I could even attempt to go the distance with the kind of person who rolls like that. Sadly, though, many do, and one study calls people who act like this “defiers.” It then went on to say that these types of individuals oftentimes cross boundaries, are apathetic, and tend to have a lower level of emotional intelligence than others do.
When I put my life coach cap on about this, I’d venture to say that a lot of people who suck at apologizing probably had parents who also sucked at modeling it to them. Either way, you can’t really love well if you’re not a considerate person (even the Bible says that love is not rude — I Corinthians 13:5 — AMPC), and a part of what comes with that is owning your mistakes, poor choices, and offenses. No wiggle room here.
4. An Understanding Partner Is Kind
GiphyOne day, I’m going to write a full article on the importance of wanting a kind man over a nice guy and why it’s also essential to be kind to that kind man as well. Like I say often, a nice person is agreeable while a kind person is benevolent — and yes, there is a big difference between the two. One of the reasons why I thought it was important to bring kindness into the chat as it relates to how to be a more understanding individual is because you don’t have to agree with everything your partner says, does, or even expects of you to be kind.
No, kindness is about being thoughtful in your approach. Kindness is about speaking in a way that you would want to be spoken to. Kindness is about being compassionate. Kindness is about finding ways to compromise so that both individuals can be happy.
Kindness shows humility. Kindness accepts that others are not like them — and that is okay. Kindness makes things easier instead of more difficult. In short, kind people like peace. And while that doesn’t mean that they are going to “lose their voice” in order to get it, at the same time, they are going to deliver everything that they do in a spirit of peacefulness…and that goes a really long way as far as any relationship is concerned.
5. An Understanding Partner Is Generous
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but when I’m in the relationship space on social media, mostly what I see and hear is pure and unadulterated selfishness. All folks are talking about is what someone should be doing for them (monetarily or otherwise), and being self-absorbed is a surefire way to sabotage a relationship (once again, even the Bible says that “love is not selfish” in certain translations of I Corinthians 13). So yeah, that being said, something else that an understanding partner does is show how much they care by being proactively generous.
A generous individual gives freely (meaning that they don’t just give to get; that is usually a form of manipulation); they also like to see what they can do to help those around them. However, some other cool things about generosity are it isn’t mean-spirited, it likes to motivate and inspire others (especially their partner), and it is quick to compliment, encourage, and also be grateful for what it receives. Know what else? Generosity knows how to be content. Most definitely, generous people live in a state of satisfaction because — get this — they plant so many seeds in so many ways that they trust in karma to take care of them…and typically…it does.
6. An Understanding Partner Is Forgiving
GiphyAnother type of person who should never get into a relationship: someone who doesn’t forgive. Forgiveness can be explained in a billion different ways and yet, at the end of the day, I think one of the easiest breakdowns is it’s granting someone the kind of mercy and grace that you know you need to receive. Whew, the hypocrisy of individuals who think that they should be pardoned for their offenses while holding forgiveness like a weapon over other folks’ heads? How delusional can they be?
Anyway, understanding people get that forgiveness is a key ingredient to a successful relationship. For everyone else, check out “Are You A 'Bad Forgiver'? Read This And See.” — if you see yourself in it, either apologize to your partner for being that way or pump the breaks on getting into a relationship until you can “refine that skill.” Because, if there’s one thing that you’re going to have to do, more than a lil’ bit, it’s forgive (and, if you’re really being real…you’re going to have to ask for forgiveness too).
Signs Your Partner Doesn't Understand You
1. A Misunderstanding Partner Is a Poor Communicator
GiphyWhile checking out an article on a lawyer’s website not too long ago, it stated that 70 percent of men said that nagging and complaining led to the ultimate breakdown in communication when it came to their marriage. And before anyone deflects or dismisses this, even the Good Book says, “It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop [on the flat oriental roof, exposed to all kinds of weather] than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman.” (Proverbs 21:9 — AMPC)
The article then went on to say that 60 percent of men stated that a lack of appreciation also caused communication issues. Meanwhile, 80 percent of women shared that they felt a disconnect in the communication department whenever their thoughts and feelings weren’t validated, while 60 percent were simply sick of their partner talking too much about himself.
And y’all, if one person feels nitpicked to death and the other feels unheard, how can there be any type of effective communication going on — and without that, no real connection can be made/nurtured/maintained.
This one right here? From the first date with someone, pay very close attention to if they are displaying any of these signs and if you are as well. Because there really is no point in trying to build with a person if poor communication is evident straight out the gate.
2. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Unappreciative
GiphyAt the end of the day, appreciation is really all about gratitude — about displaying an attitude of thankfulness. And when it comes to being appreciative, I’ve always liked the quote by author Eckhart Tolle that says, “Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance;” the quote by author and professor Sonja Lyubomirsky that says, “Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry, and irritation;” the quote by actor Doris Day that says, “Gratitude is riches. Complaint is poverty;” the quote by author John Ortberg that says, "Gratitude is the ability to experience life as a gift. It liberates us from the prison of self-preoccupation” and the Vietnamese Proverb, “When eating fruit, remember the one who planted the tree.”
What all of these things mean to me is when you look at what you already have and acknowledge how grateful you are for it, that keeps you in the present moment so that you are putting less pressure on your partner and your relationship. And y’all, even though sometimes pressure produces diamonds, as Chad from Insecure once said, “Pressure busts pipes” — and not always in a good way. Balance is key. Appreciation helps to keep things in balance.
3. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Disrespectful
GiphyY’all want to talk now or later about how Scripture instructs husbands to love their wife and wives to respect their husband (Ephesians 5:33)? Respect is about esteeming someone, and if you really want to take it to church, the Classic Amplified Version of I Peter 3:2 says that husbands should also be reverenced and that should look like this: “…[for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].”
Yeah, there really is no telling how much marital relationships would improve if more husbands decided to love from a “nourish and cherish” perspective (Ephesians 5:29), and more wives actually put respecting their husbands into daily rotation.
Anyway, in general, no one really understands how to love someone properly if they are disrespectful towards them: yelling in conversations and/or belittling in arguments; being dismissive of boundaries; acting flippant about their partner’s needs; making commitments and then not honoring them; being hypercritical; acting abusively (on any level including mentally and emotionally); not valuing their partner’s thoughts and opinions — oh, I could go on and on with this one. Truly, words cannot express how many people ruin their relationship, and it’s all due to how disrespectful they actually are.
4. A Misunderstanding Partner Is Impatient
GiphyLove. Is. Patient. It’s Scriptural, too (I Corinthians 13:4). Being patient is about not only knowing how to wait but how to wait well. In fact, as I’ve shared in other articles on the platform before, patience is defined as “bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like.” Hmph. It’s a sermon series, all on its own, how many people don’t love as much as they think they do (and definitely not as well) because they don’t know how to deal with trials that come in relationships — and trials WILL come.
Signs of being an impatient person: you get irritated easily; you have a short temper; you find yourself competing with other people; you think “wait” means “no” (or never); you make snap decisions; you constantly put feelings over actual facts; your tongue moves ahead of your brain; you stress yourself and others out; you rush, and you don’t know how to handle delays in a calm and mature manner. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone like this? Okay, so why would you expect someone else to be fine with it? (Ouch.)
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The fun thing about writing articles like this one is, that although the study simply said that understanding is what’s required to have a great relationship, that means nothing if we don’t understand what understanding actually is.
Hopefully, now, you’ve got a bit more insight into it because, now that you see what comes with being an understanding individual, it should be more evident than ever why these kinds of couples are able to see the distance in their own relationship as they find themselves smiling and oh so very satisfied along the way. Salute.
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