men·tor/ˈmenˌtôr,ˈmenˌtər/noun – an experienced and trusted adviser.
The meaningful connections created through mentoring are incomparable. There's something about having another being who is not obligated to pour into you, see something in you, and choose to invest in your future. While having an actual mentor is amazing, most of us are guilty of dreaming up a guide that helps us navigate our lives. For me, it's Elaine Welteroth. Her unapologetic yet compassionate leadership style inspires me daily.
There's no more success-gatekeeping in our community. We will lift each other up and share the wealth. That wealth is knowledge. Because knowledge is power, we gathered some successful women to share their "mentor in their heads", how they have helped them grow, and how they define success. With the gems they dropped, you may have to create an imaginary board of directors with these bosses on the roster.
Lindsey Granger
Photo Courtesy of Lindsey Granger
Lindsey Granger
Owner, LG Productions & Host, Daily Blast Live
Media/Television Industry
Denver, CO & Houston, TX
Her mentor in her head & why she chose them:
" My mentor in my head is Soledad O'Brien. I met her once before at a National Association of Black Journalists convention when I was still a student at Temple University. She is a woman of color whose existence has opened doors for me and so many other people aspiring to master media. Soledad not only has a very successful career in front of the camera from NBC to CNN to HBO, she's a rockstar that owns her very own production company called Starfish Media Group.
Soledad has made it a point, throughout her career, to cover issues that matter with complexity of thought and attention to true journalism. Her CNN series, Black in America and Latino in America broke records at the time they were released and enhanced the national conversation in a way that was fascinating to me. She's also from Long Island, New York...so we have a lot in common. I really do hope we're able to sit down and have coffee one day."
What she's learned from their triumphs:
"I've learned that it's OK to be myself - my full self. Soledad O'Brien has never shied away from asking tough questions, pushing back to fight for what's right and speaking her mind in public forums - that is something I had to learn to finally get comfortable with at age 32. I've learned that lofty goals are achievable with the proper amount of commitment to your craft and work ethic.
"Soledad is an award-winning documentarian, journalist, public speaker, author, production company owner, and philanthropist. I've learned that there is success in telling fair and accurate stories about communities of color. Soledad is largely to credit for the huge growth in African-American viewership for CNN because she made it a point to provide a space for uplifting stories about our community. I walk in her footsteps knowing the responsibility I have to handle the platform I have been given, with care."
What she's learned from their trials:
"I watched a recent interview where Soledad discussed her exit from CNN. She talked about new management coming in and how she was essentially demoted, but she was offered the opportunity to stay. She ultimately turned that down and moved forward working on her own projects. As a Black woman in media, who was working for NBC during the time of Ann Curry's exit on live television as well as Tamron Hall's disheartening exit, I understand that this industry and its treatment of women as a whole is absurd."
"I've always wanted to own my own production company - write, produce and edit my own material so no one would ever be able to tell me when my time in front of, or behind the camera was coming to an end. I made it a point to learn several aspects of the business and follow the footsteps of the women named above so that I can continue to create content that I'm passionate about, until I'm ready to be done doing so."
Advice she would give to a woman that may think of her as the mentor in their head:
"I would tell them to be fearless and bold when pursuing things they're invested in. I've learned so much over the years that I wish I would have known at a younger age. I've learned that you never get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate. I've learned that if you're uncomfortable with an interview or any task required of your job - you should be vocal and make your stance crystal-clear. The most important thing that I've learned is that authenticity will take you the farthest.
"For years, I was trying to replicate so many other broadcasters I have seen on television and I was always 'playing a role' because I wasn't being myself. The time when I was most authentically myself, let my guard down and was unafraid to speak my mind, was when my message was the most well-received. Be yourself, enjoy the ride and most importantly to all my ladies who are critical of any part of their appearance - you look great, trust me!"
A mantra that shapes her life:
"I meditate once, sometimes twice a day and at the end of each meditation, I give myself a hug and say, 'You are love, you deserve love.' I like to start the day loving myself first and setting myself up to be open to abundance - of course, I have my bad days, but I do believe that loving yourself and meditation are essential."
What she wants her mentor in her head to know about how they've shaped her journey:
"I am an extremist and genuinely study the career paths of people I admire. I would love Soledad to know that she helped a young girl from Long Island realize that anything was possible. I credit my interest in pursuing journalism to Soledad and many of the local News 12 anchors that I grew up watching. It's amazing what seeing someone who looks like you can do to help shape what goals you may develop. I now have my own production company which I started one year ago - Lindsey Granger Productions, I host a nationally syndicated television show and I am intentionally focusing on stories that matter to my community and uplift my community."
"I would say she has shaped my journey more than even I could imagine."
Carmen Jones
Photo Courtesy of Carmen Jones
Carmen Jones
Founder & CEO of The Black Girl Social Club
Atlanta, GA
Her mentor in her head & why she chose them:
"Over the years, I have really taken a liking to Issa Rae. I follow her closely. She reminds me so much of myself. What I love about her is that she refused to take 'no' for an answer. And when she did get rejected, she decided to do it herself. She is innovative, about her business, and you can tell that she wants to use her art to connect with Black millennials. I also love how she worked her butt off, did what she had to do, got her coins and her man and then disappeared. No social media antics, no drama. Just business. The blueprint!"
What she's learned from their triumphs:
"What I've learned from Issa is pretty simple: when you stay true to yourself, and don't give up, great things can happen."
What she's learned from their trials:
"I learned that the worst thing that can happen is someone tells you 'no', but in the end, it isn't really the worst thing at all."
Advice she would give to a woman that may think of her as the mentor in their head:
"To be honest, I'm not sure I'm a great advice-giver. My friends will have to follow up on this. But what I like to do with people who have come to me for mentorship is to teach them by showing them. They have to be hands-on. That's how you know when someone is serious-they've moved beyond just talking, and they're actually doing it. So any mentees I have are people who are actually doing the work. I think giving advice is a waste of time when you're talking to people who don't plan to do anything with it. So I guess if I had to give advice, it would be, start now. Be willing to learn, and do the work."
A mantra that shapes her life:
"Great things never came from comfort zones. I stand by that mantra, and it's how I live my life. One thing I know is that nothing great comes from complacency. Of course, the end goal is comfort, a nice life, a happy life, full of wonderful and healthy relationships. And I believe we can certainly have those things along the way. But there's always lessons to be learned, and work that needs to be done. I've learned so much from my 'failures' and challenges. The problem is, most people don't want to do the work, and when things get hard, they quit. When things get hard in my life, I push harder."
How she defines success:
"Success is having a goal and achieving it, not giving up. I don't allow other people to define what success looks like for me. Instagram doesn't define my success. The media doesn't. Not even the closest people in my life. I am the only person who can do that, and for me, it's simply doing what I said I would, and doing it well."
What she wants her mentor in her head to know about how they've shaped her journey:
"I just want the good sis Issa to know that her story is an inspiration to Black women who think differently and want to do things differently. What I love about Issa is that she doesn't try to be like everyone else. There's something about HER and her unique talent and thought process that lets me know she will have longevity. I'm thankful she stayed the course so she could serve as a motivator for women like me."
Patientce Foster
Courtesy of Patientce Foster
Patientce Foster
Chief Executive Officer at The Cream Agency
New York City, NY
Her mentor in her head & why she chose them:
"Opposed to popular opinion, I would have to say Kris Jenner has been a long-time mentor in my head. She may not have come face-to-face with some of the traditional obstacles and trials that a black woman would have to face. However, she did have to fight through a thick stigma that developed around her family early on. Not only was she able to do that but she was able to create an entire legacy for her family, putting everyone in positions to create wealth for themselves and their children. For that, that is why she's my mentor in my head."
What she's learned from their triumphs:
"I've learned from her triumphs that there's absolutely nothing that you cannot have and you cannot be simply because of what the world says that you are. I have learned that things take time to develop, to flourish, to grow.
"I have learned that it doesn't matter how old you are, the day you decide who you want to be for the rest of your life is completely up to you and within your control and your power. I have also learned that there is no limit, no cap to success. You don't have to go alone. You can bring whomever along with you as long as they are just as ambitious, hungry and driven as you are."
What she's learned from their trials:
"Pretty much the same thing. The world can tell you who they think you are but that's not who you have to be or who you have to remain as. You can choose whoever you want to be. There is no mistake big enough to completely stop the growth and stop your future from completely flourishing into all the things you envisioned for yourself and your life. For crying out loud, her daughter had a sex tape and they were able to pivot, adapt, and capitalize off of that one moment."
Advice she would give to a woman that may think of her as the mentor in their head:
"Number one, let my trials, tribulations, and obstacles be a reference point for inspiration but don't ever let it be your blueprint. Everyone's journey is different. How everyone gets it will not be the same. How everyone grows and succeeds will always be different because we are all different individuals and what is for us is for us. I will always say please continue to use me as a reference for what it is you want or for where it is you want to be, whether that be industry-focused, levels of success, my accomplishments but don't ever think that I am your blueprint.
"You are your blueprint. You create your blueprint. You build a plan of action that works for your life and for the people in it and your ambitions. I just want to be an inspiration. Let me be your reference for inspiration."
A mantra that shapes her life:
"'It is what it is.' It's simple and I keep it on the front of my desk. Yes, I could come up with a thousand mantras of how to succeed and how to completely change the trajectory of your life, how to wake up every day and build the life you want but no, it's very simple. It is what it is. That's my mantra because a lot of times in this lifetime, no matter what industry you choose to work in, no matter what you're going through personally or professionally, there are things that happen that are completely out of our control and 9 times out of 10 the things that are out of our control are things that drive us crazy, less focused, less motivated, less inspired, less ambitious, because we are concerned about the things we cannot control.
"I remind myself daily that some things are what they are. I can only focus on the things I can control. And the things I can control are the things that bring me happiness and maintain my level of peace. That will always be the mantra that shapes my life."
How she defines success:
"I define success by progression. I don't define my success by the level of what it looks like in a way that it shaped around material things. As long as I'm doing better than I've done and steps ahead of where I started, then I know I am succeeding. As long as I can see that there are changes that are continuously happening in my life for the better and those changes are happening as a direct result of the work that I put in, then I know I am being successful. As long as I can live off of my passion and I can feed my child off of my work and my livelihood, then I know I am succeeding. As long as I am not reverting or moving backwards, then I know I am succeeding."
What she wants her mentor in her head to know about how they've shaped her journey:
"The mentor in my head has become my mentor in real life and I am so fortunate. If I had to tell her how she's shaped my journey, I would say she has shown me that as a female, you can be assertive and direct while also being friendly and still not taking any shit and still be respected. I would tell her that where she started and where she is now has been motivation for the simple fact that there was nothing that kept her where she was. She was able to pivot even when she and her family were defamed and she was able to grow something so massive and phenomenal that they will be remembered for lifetimes after they are gone. She's shaped my journey simply because her mindset and ambition are unmatched. She is not to be outdone or outworked and that attitude has helped to shape a legacy."
Renae Bluitt
Photo Courtesy of Renae Bluitt
Renae Bluitt
Filmmaker, Storyteller & PR Consultant
New York City, NY
Her mentor in her head & why she chose them:
"My mentor in my head is none other than the brilliant and beautiful Oprah Winfrey. It's the tenacity and stick-to-it-iveness for me! She started from very humble beginnings, picked herself up from the bottom, and ran a successful talk show, all while just being herself (unapologetically), for almost three whole decades. She's built a media empire, including her own television network, where she uses her platform to enlighten and empower people globally, all while lifting as she climbs. What's not to love about this woman?"
What she's learned from their triumphs:
"'The surest way to bring goodness to yourself is to make it your intention to do good for somebody else.' - Oprah Winfrey
"So many people launch businesses and are only in it for themselves. We have to think about how our work will fill voids that exist and how we will help others. Oprah was committed to being of service to the world while building a profitable/sustainable business for herself. She set out to help others and reaped countless rewards and blessings in return."
What she's learned from their trials:
"'Turn your wounds into wisdom.' - Oprah Winfrey
"There's truly no escaping life's challenges. To appreciate the light, we must experience the dark. We can bask in the sunshine because we've endured the rain. Building a business can be the most gratifying, yet most challenging thing some of us will ever experience in life. When we're faced with negative circumstances, we have to be able to turn them into positives. There are so many beautiful lessons to learn from our mistakes."
Advice she would give to a woman that may think of her as the mentor in their head:
"I would tell her to trust the process and enjoy the journey. I spent so much time eagerly looking towards the next milestone in my life and career when I was younger.
"As I mature, I'm realizing how important it is to be present and enjoy this current chapter of life instead of rushing to get to the next. Our time here is so fleeting, we have to embrace where we are on our journeys to fully appreciate what's ahead."
A mantra that shapes her life:
"My first and only tattoo says 'do what you love' and I take this very seriously. When presented with an opportunity or experience, I stop and think about the feeling it evokes. If it's not a 'hell yes' moment for me, it's more than likely a 'no'. I'm not here for lukewarm experiences."
How she defines success:
"My definition of success has changed quite a bit over the years as I've evolved personally. Right now, success is a few things for me: Doing what I love while being of service to my community; the financial freedom to say 'no, thank you' to opportunities I'm not interested in exploring; the ability to make work optional. I look forward to taking time away from work as I see fit without feeling like I'm missing something.
"What's for me is for me, and no one else can claim a blessing that has my name on it."
What she wants her mentor in her head to know about how they've shaped her journey:
"I'd like Oprah to know that she gives this little brown girl from Indiana permission to think big. She's shown me that I can be multi-passionate and focused at the same time. Oprah shares her many gifts with the world while staying true to who she is at her core. I strive to be that comfortable in my own skin someday."
Featured image courtesy of the interviewees
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At the beginning of the year, we are being shown how significant 2025 will be for love. From March 1, 2025, until April 12, 2025, Venus, the planet of love and relationships, will be retrograde. Venus goes retrograde approximately every 18 months and hasn’t been retrograde since the Summer of 2023. With love taking a step back at the beginning of the year, we move through a time of understanding the emotional world better and letting go of trying to control outcomes here.
What Does 2025 Have in Store for Love?
It’s time to refocus your relationship priorities overall, and with this retrograde happening in both Aries and Pisces, Aries being the first sign of the zodiac and Pisces being the last; there is a chapter we are closing and a new one we are walking into.
Another significant factor that is influencing relationships this year, is Jupiter’s entry into Cancer. Jupiter brings blessings, abundance, luck, and expansion, and in water sign Cancer, brings these gifts to your emotions. Cancer rules emotional safety, foundations, close loved ones, family, support, and emotional well-being, and with Jupiter in this sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, we experience blessings in stability within love. This is a good year for building stronger foundations in love, aligning with those who are loyal and supportive, knowing what you need emotionally, and being a lot clearer on it.
Letting Go of the Past: The Astrological Theme of 2025
Overall, the guideline for the year when it comes to love is to focus on the bigger picture and let things work themselves out without forcing them to. Magic will come in for you this year when you can assess your needs and wants, let go of illusions or smoke and mirrors, and focus on the things you want for yourself rather than what you don’t. Your focus and beliefs on love are the priority right now, and things will be coming full circle for the better.
Read below to see your personal 2025 love forecast. Read for your sun, moon, and rising signs.
ARIES
2025 is one of the more significant years for you, Aries. A lot of the major transits are happening in your sign, which includes Venus retrograde in Aries at the beginning of the year, Neptune in Aries from March 2025 until 2039, and Saturn in Aries from May 2025 until 2028. Not to mention, Chiron, the wounded healer is currently in your sign until 2027.
What this means for you when it comes to love, is that you have learned a lot about where you want to be here, and it’s the year to implement more of these tools and knowledge of the heart.
This year for love is about honoring your integrity and what you need personally to thrive in life and creating that space to let it in. You need someone who will be there for you through whatever you are experiencing in life and not someone who adds to these challenges. This year is a time of rising above, and choosing better for yourself.
TAURUS
2025 for you when it comes to love, is all about perspective and taking better care of your heart, Taurus. Uranus, the planet of change, rebellion, progress, and upheaval, has been in your sign since 2019, and this year you get a break from all of the surprises. From Jul. 7, 2025, until Nov. 7, 2025, Uranus leaves your sign and enters Gemini, giving your mind and your heart some time to breathe.
This year you are being given the opportunity to see things for what they are, rather than what you fear them to be. You are able to see your relationship dynamics clearer, allowing you to feel more confident in what you are building and creating for yourself in this area of your life. What you are working on this year is letting go of overthinking, and allowing things to play out the way they are meant to in love.
GEMINI
This year you are feeling in balance when it comes to love, Gemini. Relationships are important to you in life overall, as you are a relationship-oriented sign, but it can be difficult at times to keep the balance and perspective here. This year, with lucky Jupiter in your sign until June, you have the opportunity to be blessed with some fortunate circumstances personally and within romance.
You are feeling yourself this year, and this is attracting you success and new opportunities within love.
Uranus will also be in your sign this year from Jul. 7 until Nov. 7, and some surprises are in store for you. Pay attention to what happens in your love life during this period, as similar themes will be coming back around for you when Uranus officially enters its Gemini transit from 2026 - 2032. Overall, this year is about balancing what’s coming and going in love, and finding your peace within your inner confidence for it all.
CANCER
2025 for you, Cancer, is about stability in love. You are growing emotionally from the ground up, and are feeling a sense of support, confidence, romance, and receptivity in your love life this year. You are one of the lucky signs of 2025, and this is due to Jupiter, the planet of blessings, entering your sign from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026. While Jupiter is in your sign, your life expands and you are able to see the gifts of your world that may have been harder to come by previously.
This is a year of spending more time with your loved ones and feeling more heard and supported emotionally. Safety and security are especially important to you this year, and you are only entertaining the people who feel that way about you and provide that. Many Cancers will be expanding their families this year or developing a long-term relationship, and overall this is a year of feeling stronger when it comes to love.
LEO
When it comes to love this year for you, Leo, it’s about trusting your intuition and listening more to what your heart is telling you. There are not many major transits happening in Leo in 2025, which means there is a lot of room to grow, but you may be feeling a lack of support or encouragement to do so. A lot of Leos are taking a step back to look at where they are currently in love, and yearning for some change and a new direction here.
Neptune will be in your 9th house of adventure for most of this year, and you are being asked to get inspired and do things differently, but don’t take unnecessary risks in love that may not serve you in the long run.
It can be easy to get lost in the fantasy of love rather than the actual reality you’ll live in here, and taking more time to understand yourself, your relationships, and the dynamics in your love life will be necessary. Overall, your heart is healing this year and you are moving away from the past and creating your new future.
VIRGO
This year when it comes to love, you are going through changes that are aligning you closer to your goals and dreams here, Virgo. You are focused on making things work that you want to see bloom, and also letting go of putting effort into people that aren’t reciprocating the same energy. With the North Node entering your sister sign Pisces and the South Node moving into your sign from Jan. 11, 2025, until Jul. 26, 2026, you are doing a lot of letting go over the next year.
However, with the North Node being in your 7th house of love, new doors and gifts are also opening up for you and your partnerships. The more you can let go of perfection and overworking your mind and your heart, the more blessings you will experience when it comes to love this year. In 2025, you also have two Eclipses in your sign, and there are overall a lot of changes Virgos are moving through this year. Your main guidance for love is to stand by the things that serve your heart and release yourself from what burdens it.
LIBRA
Love is coming to fruition for you this year, Libra. You have been through a lot in your personal life these past few years, and walking into 2025, you are ready for some positive change. This is a year of feeling in balance with your personal goals and dreams, and what you are experiencing romantically and financially as well. Relationship dynamics are serving you and your sense of abundance, and many gifts are coming your way in love this year.
With Neptune, Chiron, and Saturn all being in your 7th house of love, your love life and partnerships are the main focus for you in 2025.
You are moving through changes, overcoming previous obstacles, and bringing back the dreamy energy here. With Chiron in the 7th, you are still doing some healing of the heart, but with Neptune now entering, it all feels a little more romantic and spiritual at the same time. This year is about believing in the impossible in love, taking care of yourself, and allowing someone else to take care of you as well.
SCORPIO
This year is all about opportunity when it comes to love, Scorpio. You have your eyes on the prize and are focused on what you want for yourself, but also how you want to show up for love as well. You have goals and intentions that you are setting for your love life this year, and a lot of them reflect the passion and strength you are feeling as you enter the year. Vesta is in your sign this year until September, and you have a spark within you that is a magnet for success and love. You are walking forward confidently and are feeling inspired, sexy, and magical this year.
This is a very sensual and powerful year for you, and this energy is being reflected in the relationship experiences you are having. Jupiter also enters your 9th house of adventure halfway through the year, and there is something special about the trips you are taking and the risks you are taking in love. Overall, this is a year of doing things your way and attracting love to you through your inner confidence and charisma.
SAGITTARIUS
This is a beautiful year of feeling balanced and abundant in love, Sagittarius. There is a lot of energy coming in and you are giving a lot of love as well. This sense of synergy you are feeling within your love life this year has a lot to do with Juno, the asteroid of soulmates, in your sign from Feb. 19 - Apr. 15. Your people are coming in and you have options this year, Sag.
This is a year of feeling loved for the inspiring, outgoing, and unique being you are, and meeting more people who match your energy.
Saturn also enters your 5th house of romance this year, and you are learning a lot through your experiences with others. You are learning how to be more confident in who you are and what you want for yourself and also recognizing the importance of making more time for fun and playful experiences. This is the year to see love as a more light-hearted experience and to not take yourself too seriously.
CAPRICORN
You are letting things come to you when it comes to love this year, Capricorn. You are feeling beautiful, capable, and worthy, and you are receiving the gifts that come from this sense of confidence and patience. This past year, you were setting a lot of new goals for yourself and your relationships, and in 2025, you are experiencing the results of these efforts.
Jupiter moves into your sister sign Cancer from June 9, 2025, until June 30, 2026, and enters your 7th house of love, partnerships, romance, marriage, and harmony. Your love life and experience of it all are expanding this year, and benevolent Jupiter is sending blessings to this area of your life. This is a year of things coming full circle for you in love, and you feel less confused about it all and more sure of yourself and what is becoming for you here.
AQUARIUS
Love is a highlight for you this year, Aquarius. You are coming together with another, and many Aquarius’ will be forming new relationships or growing within a strong relationship. You are experiencing the fruition of your dreams in love, and are also able to heal and let go of past emotional experiences that have been overwhelming for you in the past.
The North Node enters your 12th house of closure this year, and you are motivated towards change, cleaning house, and releasing the cobwebs of the past.
You are walking into new emotional experiences with less baggage and self-doubt, and are experiencing a fresh start in love. This is a year of asking for what you need emotionally and receiving it. Love is coming in for you in harmonious and magical ways, and you are rewriting your story in love in 2025.
PISCES
You are moving through a lot of changes when it comes to love in 2025, Pisces. This is a year of closure, healing, and giving yourself a fresh start, and the way you enter the year will be a lot different than the way you end it. The North Node of Destiny enters your sign this year, and the South Node of Karma enters your 7th house of love. So, a lot of your focus this year is on your personal goals and path, and there may be some neglect or lack of focus on your relationships.
This can create some discord with those close to you, and your guidance for this year is to try to balance the personal successes and wins you are experiencing, with the love changes that also need your attention right now. Know that what leaves your life this year is being replaced by something better, and also know that your healing doesn’t need to have a timeline and you can take as much time as you need to grow. Overall, you are turning a new page in love in 2025.
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Dating men of higher social status shortened my tolerance for a lot of things I was convinced were normal. I blamed the universe for attracting undesirable men when it was my fault for allowing undesirable behavior. An interesting dichotomy between those guys and sugar daddies was the treatment I accepted.
It was easier to put my foot down with men of opulence because their privilege meant there was no limit to meeting my desires. Plus, recognizing my own worth made them (the good ones) want to treat me with the same high regard.
I’ll admit you don’t NEED to be an SB to enhance your dating style, but that’s the path I journeyed. It taught me how to be gracefully tough on men based on the simple fact that I’m invaluable. I’ll never convince anyone to be an SB, but feel free to pick a few gems I learned that might take your 2025 dating style to the next level.
Don’t overdo it by showing gratitude.
Let’s stop praising men for the bare minimum.
Yes, it’s okay to make a man feel affirmed but don’t let those affirmations come off too intensely, especially for things that require minimal effort. Don’t tell him about your ex never opening the passenger door for you, don’t brag about him being "The One" because he texted to make sure you got home safely, and most definitely don’t offer up the cat just because he paid a $150 dinner bill (give it because you want to, not out of obligation).
To be honest, I barely even say thank you when a man finds me attractive. “You are so beautiful.” I would respond, “Aww, you’re so sweet.” When he holds the door open, I graze his arm and smile.
Showing too much excitement about the bare minimum strokes his ego and draws a ceiling, which he doesn’t feel he needs to surpass. It tells him you’re not used to regular treatment, so you’ll be grateful for anything. Why do more than necessary? I like my men reflecting at the end of our date, thinking, “What can I do to impress her?”
Don’t stop having manners, though. Just keep it simple and move on.
There’s no such thing as “dating for potential.”
Hold my hand with this one.
There comes a time when the word “potential” shouldn’t be a part of your dating vocabulary. It’s nothing more than the encouragement of false hope. He’s not flaky with time because his schedule is too busy between balancing family and work. It’s because you’re not important enough to prioritize making time for.
He’s not stingy on dates because he’s having a rough time handling all his financial responsibilities. It’s because he’d rather spend his money on things that don’t involve you.
Trust me when I say men don’t date with potential in mind. Many of them hold themselves in very high regard with an “I can do better” mindset, and so should you. There’s A LOT of weight in the saying, “If he wanted to he would.” So stay away from Mr. Shoulda Coulda Woulda because, at the end of the day, he didn’t.
*P.S. If he ever says he doesn’t deserve you, he’s not being sheepishly humble. Take his word for it and run.
Do NOT be afraid to say no.
How many times have you put yourself through something you didn’t want to do based on feeling obligated? You compromised yourself in order to please the person you’re dating because it seemed like the easier option. Let me just remind you of the old saying, “Nothing good in life comes easy.”
I like comparing men to children, not to demean them but to draw similarities. Children often like to push and see how much they can get away with until the parent says no. Once you allow them to get away with one thing, they’ll nudge the limits to see how often they can skate by.
Dating is just like this. Get comfortable giving rejection. It can be an uncomfortable concept for some, so consider saying no and following it with a light reason. For example, “Do you want to come over and watch Netflix?” “No, I don’t feel comfortable going to strangers’ houses.” If his response is anything but understanding with a Plan B, on to the next.
Those boundaries were created to protect you. Any man who respects you will respect them too.
Don’t lay all your cards on the table.
When a man asks, “So what exactly are you looking for?” The vaguest response comes to mind.
It’s a common mistake to think men (not all) ask questions for unselfish reasons. That one, especially, is basically like asking for cheat codes to a game. Describing your idea of a perfect man, dating intentions, etc. allows him to know who he needs to morph himself into in order to get what he wants. Enter love bombing, physical intimacy, delusions of potential, then ghosting.
I’ve said the below on a few first dates and wasn’t surprised by how quickly the guys weeded themselves out.
"I’ve been having fun figuring things out as time goes on. There are times when I love going out to meet new people and times when I love cuddling up on the couch. It depends on how I’m feeling.”
I just said a whole lotta nothing, leaving it up to him to decipher. It’s open-ended, which forces him to show his intentions and let things play out naturally with as little manipulation as possible.
The first date defines how he views you.
This is where all those conversations leading up to this day come into play.
The perfect first date doesn’t only have to consist of 5-star dining and lavish wine collections. Those are merely perks. The perfect first date is valued based on how much effort he put in to show he’s been listening.
You’ve been dropping subtle hints that tulips are your favorite flowers. Did he show up empty-handed? You shared your discomfort with driving to far places at night. Did he book a 9 p.m. reservation somewhere 30 minutes away? You told him about your new venture into veganism. Did he take you to his favorite steakhouse?
These aren’t small things and they’re DEFINITELY not things for you to take on as a challenge. These could be easy signs of a life full of selfishness and laziness if shrugged off by the belief you should be satisfied with him making time for you.
Will taking my advice find you a husband faster? Who knows? But, ultimately, dating isn’t supposed to be an earnest search for a man. It should be a time of personal growth while sorting through experiences to find a partner who will appreciate the valuable woman you are.
Having high standards for yourself doesn’t make you difficult or unreasonable. To the right man, it definitely won’t make you undateable. Like I said before, nothing good in life comes easy.
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