Sitting on the toilet, shaking with adrenaline and slumped over from fatigue, I looked my husband in the eyes as he kneeled down in front of me. After learning I had incurred something between a 3rd and 4th degree vaginal tear (yikes!) during childbirth, it was time for my first trip to the bathroom, and my husband was my companion.
After I finished tentatively relieving myself, he was ready with, what all mothers know as, the blessed peri-bottle. I was too shaky and uncoordinated after using all my strength to give birth to take care of one of my most basic needs at that time, cleaning myself, and my husband was there to help me. I was so embarrassed for him to see my new stitches, watch me as I bled, and sit before me as I *gulp* passed gas as he was level with my most private parts.
I shamefully whispered, "I'm so sorry." To which he replied, "You have nothing to be sorry for. I want to take care of you."
Though not always spoken, this has been the exchange throughout our entire marriage, and I have to humble myself to it time and time again. It is hard for me to constantly need his help and his strength because I was raised in the 90's and early 2000's. I was raised observing Oprah, Tyra Banks, Phylicia Rashad, and the Mowry sisters. Black little girls could grow up to be black women who run the world! Inspired by them, I set my sights on taking over any and every thing I could. In high school, I was in the senate. Then I was Class President, and then Student Body President. I was in Honors French and Honors chorus. Oh, and I got my black belt in Tae Kwon Do...no big deal.
At Hampton University, I majored in entrepreneurship and graduated with the award of being named the most excellent student in my major, while leading a region of my church's campus ministry. Upon graduating, I partnered with my mentor to open a school, worked many 12-hour days, and eventually led our team to national accreditation. Take that, world! I wasn't even 30 yet.
Despite all of that, there was so much baggage weighing me down. I grew up with a mother who had Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Having a narcissistic parent results in someone who:
- Believes how they look is more important than how they feel
- Lives with debilitating self-doubt, never fully trusting their emotions
- Struggles with feeling seen or heard
- Has difficulty developing a healthy sense of self
- Never feels good enough
- Believes he/she is unworthy of love
It is not surprising that I eventually had a doctor diagnose me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and depression several weeks before my wedding. On one hand, I was relieved to finally get answers, and on the other hand, I was reeling from this revelation so close to a new, exciting stage in my life.
My husband was my cheerleader when I dragged my feet to begin going to therapy. When I would make excuses about not wanting to spend the money or not wanting to take the time to go, he assured me that my well-being was of the utmost importance.
When we drove to South Carolina to care for my mother while she was ill and clean her filthy house (neglected due to her illness), he was there with me. He rubbed my back as we stood in line to purchase cleaning products. He rested his hand on my thigh as we drove the 7 hours home and I cried the whole way back while listening to The Preacher's Wife soundtrack. He was my rock.
When my mother passed away, he allowed his lap to be soaked with my tears as I sobbed and heaved.
When I was pregnant, he rubbed my feet nightly and my belly when I suffered from indigestion (almost nightly). He learned to cook many new dishes as I was too drained to cook, but I still wanted good food.
When I resigned from my directorship to salvage my mental health, he was supportive. He is my biggest cheerleader when I speak at conferences and workshops,
I am a strong black woman, and I need my man. The two are not mutually exclusive.
I don't know where I would be without him. I appreciate Destiny's Child's "Independent Woman", but the song does not resonate with me. I am not building my legacy alone. I do not pay my bills alone, craft my dream alone, or garner my strength alone. I've been blessed with a lifelong partner, and I depend on him for grounding and encouragement. We are not without faults or quarrels, but I love my man. I appreciate my man, and at the end of a long work day, I say, unashamed, I need my man.
Don't get it twisted. I am not an advocate of codependency. You shouldn't depend on your partner to take care of things that you can handle. Maintain healthy friendships outside of your partner, and avoid seeking permission from your partner. They should be a source of inspiration and encouragement, not allowance.
When I say I "need" my man, I mean this in the most healthy and beautiful way possible, and I want this for you too!
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak