
I'll admit it. I'm pretty violent about not involving myself in things (or with folks) that disrupt my calm and peace of mind. And yes, I know that is pretty much a play on words. It's designed to be.
As I've been devoting a lot of these past several months to healing the "PTSD Shellie" so that I can live the kind of life I was created to live before all of the abuse, trauma, and disappointments, something that I've looked into is what are known as anxiety triggers. Our health; certain types of medication; caffeine; negative thoughts; hoarding; poor financial choices (include impulse spending); going to public events (that you'd prefer to sit out on); unforgivingness; toxic relationships; unhealthy lifestyle habits; avoiding confrontation; being too confrontational and stress—all of these things can play a direct role in if we're a peace-filled individual or not.
Once I learned what my personal triggers were (I don't need to buy another pair of Pumas; I need to save more money and I don't need to justify my boundaries with toxic individuals; I just need to keep them), my life has become so much more harmonious, stable, mellow, undisturbed…calm. And when you truly find the peace that passes all understanding, you will do whatever it takes to not disrupt or disturb that. Ever.
Not to say that life (including the people in it) doesn't throw some curveballs every now and then. That's why, along with figuring out my anxiety triggers, I've also discovered some immediate ways to calm down whenever they try and push me.
The next time some person, place, thing, or idea tries to stress you all the way out, I'd be shocked if these tips don't pull you back into a tranquil mindset.
Deep Breathe

Our bodies need oxygen in order to survive. That's a no-brainer. But if we all knew all of the health benefits that come from deep breathing, I bet a lot more of us would sign up for a yoga class or at least meditate more often in the mornings.
Not only does deep breathing help to detoxify our system, it also gives us more energy, improves our digestion and posture, boosts our mood, intensifies our orgasms, strengthens our heart, decreases pain, helps us to sleep better and yes—it immediately calms and relaxes us as well. No wonder mama would count to 10 whenever she caught us doing something crazy when we were little. See, deep breathing literally spared our lives!
If you've never done it before, it's a relatively simple practice. Take a deep long breath through your nose and hold it for a count of 3-5. Then, through your mouth, exhale slowly, making sure to relax the muscles in your face and shoulders. Do repetitions of 10, five times a day. Watch how much calmer you feel, almost immediately.
Walk Outside

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If you want to take deep breathing up a notch, do it while you're standing—or better yet, walking—outdoors. The sunlight will give you some much needed Vitamin D. As women, we all need a daily dose of D (no pun there) because it supports our immune system, strengthens our bones, helps to prevent breast cancer and, if we're trying to conceive, improves our fertility too.
And, since it's also the only vitamin that's considered to be a hormone, it is a truly effective way to balance your cortisol levels out as well.
Snack on Some Cashews, Blueberries or Dark Chocolate

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Speaking of cortisol, sometimes, when we're not eating as healthy as we should, it can cause the cortisol (the natural stress in our bodies) to spike. When that happens, we need foods that contain stress-reducing nutrients to balance everything out.
Foods that top the list include cashews, blueberries, and dark chocolate. Cashews contain potassium (a mineral that triggers serotonin to our neurotransmitters) and magnesium (a mineral that regulates our brain and nervous system). Blueberries have antioxidants and Vitamin C in them to bring our cortisol down to a healthy level. And dark chocolate? One study revealed that eating a dark chocolate bar (with 65 percent or more cocoa in it), once a day, for two weeks straight, decreased cortisol and also our fight-or-flight responses to anxiety, fear, and tension too. Cool. Very cool.
Listen to Some Rain Videos on YouTube

Ever wonder why the sound of rain helps you to have some of the best sleep (and sex) that you've ever had in your entire life? It's because rain mimics that sound that is similar to white noise. Whenever white noise triggers our sensory input, it immediately calms and centers us.
You could wait for a thunderstorm to happen in order to feel better. Or, you can do what I do and hop on over to YouTube and listen to some of their 10+ hour videos. Two of my personal favorites are this one and this one.
Recall a Favorite Memory

A technique that a lot of therapists use is when their clients are feeling anxious, they ask them to think of a great past memory. I do this sometimes when I'm working with married couples; I ask them to reflect back on a time when they felt really good about their relationship. It really is amazing to watch how quickly it calms them down.
It's been my experience that whenever stress arises, it's a good idea to think about a healthy and happy memory that is directly related to your source of stress at the moment.
Did your boss just piss you off? When was the last time they made you feel appreciated? Did your friend just hurt your feelings? What's the last great experience you shared with them? By doing this, not only will it bring a sense of tranquility (and even a bit of happiness) to your spirit about the particular situation, but about the person in general as well.
Find Yourself a Plant

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Think about it. Don't you feel calmer and happier around plants? Have you ever wondered why? Not only are plants aesthetically-pleasing to look at, but they help to reduce indoor air pollution too. What does this even remotely have to do with our stress levels? Indoor air pollution is as much as 2-5 times higher than outdoor air pollution and most of us spend most of our time indoors. Spending hours breathing in mold, pesticides, tobacco smoke, solvents (like house cleaners and gases from newly-installed carpet or furniture), radon and carbon monoxide can lead to coughing, sneezing, a sore throat, headaches, and fatigue. The worse your body feels, the more stressed out you'll become.
Since plants help to pull toxins out of the air, they are another avenue to calm and tranquility. Some of the more popular stress-reducing plants include jasmine, lavender, rosemary, bamboo palm, and Aloe Vera.
Related: These Easy To Care For Plants Thrive On Little To No Natural Light
Blow on Your Thumb

Sometimes we're stressed out because we've got an air passage blocked that we know absolutely nothing about. The solution? Suck or blow on your thumb. I know you probably think I'm making this up but hey, it supposedly activates our vagus nerve (the muscles that help to control the muscles in our throat) and, in turn, cause our heart rate and blood pressure to drop (in a good way).
Also, your thumb has its own pulse so, whenever you (gently) suck or blow on it, it'll slow down and relax you. (Now we get why babies do it, huh?)
Chew Some Gum

If someone just got on your very last nerve, rather than cussing them out, chew on some gum first. It might sound ridiculous, but this is another proven way to get your stress and anxiety levels in check. One study even revealed that people who chewed gum every day for two weeks had significantly lower stress than those who didn't.
Although researchers are still trying to figure out what makes gum such an effective calm-inducer, many believe that 1) it has to do with taking out our frustrations on the gum as we chew it and 2) it depends on the flavor of gum that is chosen. Your best bet? Peppermint. Although it's invigorating, it's really effective at relieving anxiety, stress, and even depression-related symptoms as well.
Log Off of Your Socials

Back in my Facebook days (when I was online there was barely Twitter and no Instagram), I must admit, that my page was pretty lit. You know what else it was? SEMI-STRESSFUL. It was a page where people could hop on and share/debate whatever, whenever, which was cool. But after a while, the combination of a constant influx of info, people being emotionally charged (and not always in a good way) and folks inboxing me with the expectation of not only getting back to them immediately but giving them free counseling—it all got to be too much.
My life has been sooooo much calmer without having social media accounts. And while I get the benefits that come with having them, if you're on every kind of social in the world, take out a moment to Google how social media tends to negatively affect our mental health. This includes our self-esteem, memory, sleep patterns, attention span and yes, our stress levels.
I'm not saying shut your socials down. I'm just saying that whenever Trump's tweets or an ex's IG posts get your heart to racing, it's a good idea to log off for a couple of hours or (gasp!) the rest of the day.
Do yourself a favor and drink some herbal tea while reading a book or call up a friend and have a real phone conversation instead. Watch what things like this does for your nervous system that Black Twitter cannot.
Kiss

Whew. Is there anything more perfect in this world than a well-timed, perfectly placed kiss? The icing on the cake is, not only does kissing feel like the peak of ecstasy, it's really good for your health too. How good? Kissing triggers "happy hormones" including oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin in your system. Kissing also boosts your self-confidence, bonds you to your partner, soothes headaches, decreases allergy symptoms, reduces cavities, and lowers cortisol levels too.
So, if none of the other things I recommended appeal to you, at least be open to an impromptu smooch session. Your stress and anxiety levels will thank you—so will the rest of your body.
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Originally published on March 17, 2019
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This Is How To Keep 'Holiday Season Stress' From Infecting Your Relationship
Hmph. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there is something really weird happening in the fall season air (because winter doesn’t officially begin until December 21) that cuddle season is in full swing while break-up season is as well. In fact, did you know that break-ups are so popular during the holiday season that December 11 is deemed Break-Up Day?
The reasons why relationships shift around this time vary; however, I did both roll my eyes and chuckle when I read that a very popular one is because it’s an easy way to get out of getting one’s significant other a Christmas present. SMDH.
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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How To Avoid Being An Emotionally Impulsive Spender This Holiday Season
Geeze. Can you believe that we are just a few days out from another Christmas? Yeah, me neither. In fact, because I’m not a holidays person myself (check out “So, What If You Don't Observe Holidays?”), it wasn’t until one of my clients was venting about how stressed out she was due to all of the holiday season procrastinating that she had been doing that I realized just how fast December is actually flying by.
If, like her, you’re feeling frazzled because, although you told yourself last year that you weren’t going to wait until the last minute to “handle your business,” you ended up doing exactly that, fret not. I’ve got 10 tips that can keep you from making emotionally-triggered decisions as far as your financial expenses are concerned. Merry Christmas. #wink
1. Create a Budget. Stick to It.
GiphyBudgets, boy. I recently read that one of the reasons why they don’t work for a lot of people is because many folks don’t have a clue about how much money they spend on a monthly basis to begin with. SMDH. That said, at the end of the day, it’s important to remember that a budget is simply setting boundaries/limits on your spending — and being intentional about moving in this fashion is always a wise move; especially when it comes to this time of the year…especially being that it’s typical for half of all Americans to take on some type of holiday season debt with 17 percent needing six (or more) months to pay it off.
Know what can prevent this kind of financial chaos? A SPENDING BUDGET. Tips for how to create one of your own this year can be found here.
2. Never Shop When You’re Stressed or Pressed
GiphyYou know how they say that it’s not a good idea to go grocery shopping when you’re hungry? Although the holiday season can be a stressful time, avoid shopping for gifts (or décor or food for recipes) when you are feeling stressed out or pressed for time. More times than not, that cultivates anxiety which could cause you to either purchase things that you don’t really want or to spend money that you don’t really have (P.S. If you’re relying on credit cards, that qualifies as money that you don’t really have. Just sayin’).
3. Don’t Keep Up with the Joneses
GiphyKnow something else that can stress you out: trying to keep up with the Joneses. And y’all, now that we have social media, the reality is that envy is at an all-time high. That’s because it can be really easy to watch holiday engagements, holiday trips and folks bragging about the things that they’ve received in times past, only for you to find yourself wishing that you were them — or putting pressure on yourself and those in your world to keep up.
Listen, it is King Solomon who once said, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) and “A sound heart is life to the body, but envy is rottenness to the bones” (Proverbs 14:30 — NKJV) and he’s considered to be the wisest man who ever lived (during his time — I Kings 4:30). Yeah, both of these verses are a spiritual reminder that whatever you are planning to do or give, do it out of the goodness of your heart — not so that you can low-key “outdo” the next guy.
4. No Need to “Tit-for-Tat”
GiphyThis one might be a bit controversial yet I’m totally okay with that. I don’t care what the occasion is, no one is OWED a present. A gift is a voluntary token of one’s appreciation or affection. That said, if you decide to give someone a present this year, don’t automatically expect something in return. If you get something, cool. If not, if you were giving for the right reasons, it really shouldn’t matter (RIGHT?). On the flip side, if someone decides to get you something and you don’t have something to offer in return, also cool.
Other than going to someone’s home for a holiday dinner or party, for anyone to feel like they should have something in hand because someone else does…that’s not giving, that’s competing — and that absolutely should not be the spirit that you are in (or around) during this time of year.
Again, a gift is not an obligatory thing. If you’ve always thought otherwise, it’s time to do some serious reprogramming.
5. Avoid the Pressure to Buy for Lots of Adults
GiphyLast month, Newsweek published an article that said it’s wise to not spend a ton of money purchasing gifts for adults. A financial expert in the piece said that it’s best to buy for kids because, more times than not, you’re going to get adults something that they already have a lot of, they don’t really need or they’re not going to use (beyond maybe regifting) anyway.
If you’re not feeling that insight, my take would be to exchange names and set a price cap for the grown folks. I say that because, I don’t think that people ever outgrow wanting something over Christmas. It’s just that the over-the-top energy should be reserved for the kiddies — and even then, the “4-gift rule” (want, need, read, experience) is probably your best bet for them…financially and otherwise.
6. Go for Thoughtful over Expensive
GiphyIt’s kind of wild how much close-to-torture folks send themselves through to purchase gifts that, a good 6-8 months now, most folks aren’t even going to remember. That’s why it’s also a good idea to purpose in your mind to get something thoughtful over expensive.
Honestly, that’s a big part of the reason why Etsy continues to be a go-to for gifts (for every occasion) for me. It’s because you can oftentimes get things customized/personalized which ends up meaning so much more to people than something that you bought at a generic department store that might have a high price tag yet still lacks in sentimentality and deep meaning.
7. Use Coupons and Promo Codes
GiphyCoupons (and promo codes) are a slippery slope in the sense that…they remind me of when I used to go overboard while thrift store shopping. I say that because, just because I might find several bomb dresses for under $20, what am I going to do with 50 of ‘em (over time)? It’s just as much of a waste of money as buying couture if neither option gets much use.
And that’s kind of the thing about coupons and promo codes. Some people end up overspending because they rationalize that so long as there are discounts attached, it’s all good. At the same time, this doesn’t mean that you should forego coupons and promo codes altogether. The key is to put together your shopping list (and budget) and then use discounts specifically for those items. If you do this, you could save well over $1,000 annually (at least, depending on what you decide to buy).
8. Avoid Add-Ons
GiphyYeah. Dodge add-on expenses. Add-ons like what? The first thing that comes to my mind is a warranty. What’s the chance that someone is actually going to need that? Another example is paying for things to be “professionally” gift wrapped. Chile, throw that stuff in a gift bag with some tissue paper and go on about your day. All good.
9. Rethink Gift Cards
GiphyIf there is any time of the year when there is a noticeable hike in gift card purchases, now would be it. And although they are a convenient approach to gift giving, at the same time, many come with hidden fees, the full amount oftentimes goes unused (which ends up being a waste of money) and they do come with expiration dates that are oftentimes forgotten.
So, if you’re someone who likes to wait until the last minute to do your holiday shopping, resist the urge to impulsively pick up a handful of gift cards. Unless it’s to a place that you know someone is going to use within the next few months, they could end up in somebody’s kitchen drawer for the next couple of years. And what a waste that would be.
10. They’ll Get It When They Do. And That’s Okay.

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GiphyOne more. Although it is super thoughtful and proactive to get people their gifts in time for whatever occasion you purchased them for, if trying to reach that goal is going to require paying for rush shipping that is damn near as high as the price of gift or spending a lot of gas money that you don’t have at the moment to drive miles and miles away — take the pressure off to spend a ton of cash just to make sure that something arrives at December 25. Listen, through doing business with Etsy, I have learned that through this administration, there are all sorts of tariff issues going on and the USPS is slower than ever too, so paying more may not guarantee much.
The hack? Send a message that something special is coming…soon enough. The thought really is what counts (more times than not); plus, it builds anticipation of something good coming, even if it’s after all of the Christmas Day hoopla. And no one (with sense) is going to have a problem with that.
Now don’t you feel better? Happy Holiday Shopping, sis.
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