Can y’all believe it? Spring is here! And if there’s one thing that a lot of folks tend to do around this time, it’s some sort of thorough cleaning of their home; sometimes even their life (I’ll be penning on some of that in the weeks to come) — and what that is called is “spring cleaning.”
I think that term caught on because there’s something about the spring season that feels fresh and new, even more than New Year's Day does. And when we’re in that kind of head and heart space, it gives us the energy and focus to want to make everything in our life as immaculate as possible.
In honor of all that, why not use the following few months (spring ends on June 20, 2024, by the way) to get your house and relationships right and use this as an opportunity to “spring clean” your hair? If you’re totally down and would like a few tips, I’ve got 12 that will have your tresses totally ready for what the spring season has in store for you. Guaranteed.
1. Toss (Most of) What You Haven’t Used Since This Time Last Year
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A few years back, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “When Should You Replace Underwear, Make-Up, Bedding, Washcloths & Towels?” Something that I actually didn’t mention was hair products; however, believe it or not, they have a shelf life too. While items that haven’t been opened may last up to three years, a safe rule is if you have used something, after about 12-18 months, you should probably toss it — unless there is an expiration date that says otherwise (yep, some hair items actually come with those). Chile, this one rule alone can keep you from becoming (or remaining) a product junkie (check out “Resolving To Kick Your Product Junkie Habit? Here's Your Game Plan.”), if that is indeed something that you struggle with.
2. Up Your Vitamin B7 Intake
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Yeah, don’t get me started on how Westernized medicine will push pharma down our throats while, at the same time, saying that many vitamin supplements don’t work. That’s literally what many folks claim when it comes to hair nutrients. Personally, since I’ve been taking my own hair growth vitamins, I’ve noticed that my hair is much stronger — but hey, that’s just me. And what is the main nutrient in my own product? Biotin.
Long story short, since hair is mostly made up of the protein keratin and biotin (which is another name for vitamin B7) helps with the production of keratin, I’m sure you can see why it’s so essential, especially if you’re looking to prevent hair loss. For the record, foods that are a solid source of biotin include spinach, almonds, sweet potatoes, salmon, and bananas.
3. Detox Your Scalp
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It can’t be said enough that your scalp is the foundation of your hair, so it needs to be handled with extreme care. One way to do that is by detoxing it (check out “Treat Your Scalp To A Little Bit Of Detoxing This Weekend”). Since dead skin cells, dandruff, sweat, hair products, and all kinds of other gunk can pile up and (potentially) clog your hair follicles, you want to make sure to keep your scalp as clean, clear, and healthy as possible.
You can do this by purchasing a scalp exfoliant product, going the DIY route with some salt or sugar, or you can use something like a hair product that’s specifically made to care for your scalp, like Taraji P. Henson’s Master Cleanse scalp treatment. I purchased it on the fly one day and have been sold on it ever since. Listen, the tingling feeling that it provides alone had me sold. Anyway, if you’re wondering how often you should do some scalp detoxing, eh — once every three washes or so should do the trick.
4. Massage Your Scalp with an Essential Oil Blend
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Speaking of your hair’s foundation, aside from the fact that a scalp massage can perform miracles when it comes to reducing your stress levels because it helps to draw blood to your hair follicles (which ultimately gives them the nutrients that they need), applying the tip of your fingers or a scalp massager to your head can also promote hair growth. My two cents would be to apply essential oil to a carrier oil like sweet almond (a hydrator), avocado (it’s a good source of biotin), or grapeseed (it’s filled with vitamin E), warm the combo up and get to massaging.
Why an essential oil? Well, for example, lavender contains antimicrobial and antibacterial properties, ylang-ylang soothes a dry scalp, and thyme stimulates the scalp while promoting hair growth.
5. Infuse Hibiscus Flowers to Soothe Dandruff
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Although hibiscus flowers typically are known to be early-June flowers, since that is technically still the spring season, I had to shout them out in this piece for one main reason. Did you know that there are some hair experts who are sold on the fact that if you turn the flowers into a type of hair paste, they can help to bring relief to dandruff flakes and irritation? Since it also helps with hair growth as well as preventing hair loss, definitely infuse some of your own hibiscus petals once June rolls around. In the meantime, hibiscus oil can get you some pretty good results too.
6. Use Coconut Milk to Hydrate Your Hair
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As far as milk alternatives go, personally, I’m an oat milk kind of girl; however, I’ve tried coconut milk before and it’s cool. Health benefits wise, it’s full of protein, low in sugar, and it can help to keep your cholesterol levels down while giving you a boost of energy (especially if you like to work out). As far as your tresses go, not only is it basically a mega-vitamin for it, but your hair will also benefit from its fatty acids, protein, and ability to deeply hydrate your hair. Since coconut milk also contains anti-inflammatory properties, consider applying it as a conditioning treatment or hair rinse if you’ve got some sort of scalp irritation going on.
7. Try a DIY Deep Moisturizing Hair Mask
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Something that I must admit I don’t do nearly as much as I should, is apply a hair mask to my hair. I really need to get on that this spring, though, because there are all kinds of benefits that come with adding this extra step. Since a hair mask is basically seen as a deep conditioning type of hair treatment and our hair is naturally drier (due to our curlier hair texture and it being more challenging for our natural sebum to cover our tresses from root to tip), hair masks are able to do everything from deeply moisturize and stimulate hair growth to reduce frizz and help to prevent split ends. This is another one of those products that you can get pre-made. Still, if you’d prefer to make one yourself, Byrdie has 17 recipes you can try here, while Self has 12 recipes you can check out here.
8. Don’t Forget About an Apple Cider Vinegar Rinse
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As far as this list goes, while I can vouch for pretty much all of them, one that I’m a big fan of is using apple cider vinegar as a hair clarifier. Meaning, that if you’ve got some build-up on your locks and you want your hair to feel super clean without being dried out from the sulfates of shampoo, after washing your hair, rinse it off with some apple cider vinegar. Not only will it deeply cleanse your hair, apple cider vinegar will bring relief to an itchy scalp, add shine to your tresses, and it can keep the pH balance of your hair where it needs to be as well.
Simply add around three tablespoons of apple cider vinegar to a 16-ounce glass of water and run it over your hair after washing it. Let it sit for a minute or two, and then rinse again. Some people say to do it after conditioning your hair as well. I prefer to do it in between shampooing and conditioning, though. To each their own.
9. Dust Your Ends. Then Seal Them with Cranberry Seed Oil.
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I can’t tell you the last time that I’ve seen a professional stylist. Not that I’m endorsing not seeing one or anything; it’s just that, one of the gifts God gave me was the natural ability to do hair. So much, in fact, that the last stylist I had used to recommend me to naturalistas for a trim or cut. And so, yes, I trim my own hair. That way, I don’t have to worry about too much being “accidentally” (it’s in quotes because y’all already know how some stylists do) removing more hair than what was necessary. To tell you the truth, most times, what I do doesn’t even qualify as a trim; it’s more like “end dusting” which is something you can (probably) do for yourself with a bit of patience, some sharp shears and a bit of practice.
Dusting is all about simply removing fairy knots or taking off as little of your ends as possible so that you can maintain length retention while still keeping your hair healthy. Once you’re done doing that, treat your ends by sealing them with some cranberry seed oil. Since it’s also loaded with fatty acids as well as Vitamin E, it will help to keep your ends smooth, soft, and resilient when it comes to avoiding breakage.
10. Grow Your Locks with Citrus Essential Oils
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Since citrus fruit is in season during the spring, I definitely had to shout out the ways that they can benefit your hair. Thanks to the antibiotics and vitamin C that’s in them, your scalp will remain healthy. Grapefruit oil, specifically, has a reputation for combating dandruff. Lemon oil can keep your sebum levels in balance so that your hair doesn’t appear frizzy. Some say that orange oil can help to strengthen your hair. And listen, since citrus oils are also proven to reduce anxiety and stress levels — how can you go wrong by adding them to your hair care regimen?
11. Look for Products That Contain Polymers to Reduce Frizz
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As the weather begins to warm up and it takes longer for the sun to set, the “pro” is your hair is able to get more vitamin D (which means that your hair follicles will remain in good condition); the “con” is more humidity creates more frizz. Frizz is problematic because it can be a sign of dryness or damage, it can affect your curl definition (if you rock natural hair) and create tangles that make it hard to style it — and that could ultimately cause breakage.
Something that helps to keep frizz down to a minimum is hair products that contain polymers. I don’t want to keep y’all in a mini-science class, so I’ll just say that one of the main purposes of polymers is they help the cuticles of your hair to lie flat. Off top, a type of product that would be considered a polymer is silicone. If you decide to use or try it, just remember to take the “less is more” approach. A little is bomb; a lot can cause hair dryness in its own way.
12. Add a “Spring Scent” to Your Hair
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One of the biggest “mistakes” that I think a lot of women make when it comes to their hair is not being intentional about making sure that it smells divine on a daily basis. Something that can make that happen is finding an essential oil (I think it’s wiser than perfume because the alcohol in perfume can dry your hair out), in a scent that you like, putting a few drops into your hands, rubbing them together and then smoothing your hair with the oil before heading out for the day. If you want to stick with a spring theme, some fragrances to consider include sweet orange, rosemary, bergamot, lemon, lime, lavender, and peppermint.
BONUS: If You Plan to Go Up a Shade (or Two), Read This
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It’s not uncommon for people to want to darken their hair during fall and winter and then lighten them up in the spring and summertime. Keeping that in mind, if this is the spring season when you want to follow hair color trends and go the kind of blonde that looks almost white or something softer like ginger or caramel — please make sure that you see a professional. Listen, I used to dye my hair almost as much as I changed my clothes, and while it was super short, it was all good.
Whenever I decided to grow it out? On some levels, even to this day, parts of my hair and scalp are still recovering. SMDH. For those of you who aren’t gonna listen to me, at least go to the 90th degree on the deep conditioning tip. There is no way that your hair can be permanently colored and not experience dryness, and that can lead to breakage at one point. I would just hate for you to have bomb ass color and not much length to show for it. Feel me?
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There you have it: 12 ways to spring clean your hair. So, before hitting that kitchen or your bedroom with some white vinegar (the real ones know), get into your locks first. Everything seems easier when our hair is in good shape. Then treat yourself to some tulips, peonies, or lilacs (all spring flowers) and officially enjoy the beginnings of spring!
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
GiphySometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
GiphyOne day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
GiphyNow that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
GiphyIf you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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