Disclaimer: the following content may hurt your self-centered feelings. I acknowledge responsibility for any awareness or outpouring of gratitude that may arise from the latter.
Many people are blinded by the glorifying and egocentric idea to make it on their own and grant themselves the "self-made" title. However, I believe that there's a serious need to establish the truth regarding this concept: being self-made is a sweet lie.
How many of us are obsessed with the challenge to make it on our own? How many of us take a sense of pride, which in my opinion, is often misplaced, in doing things alone to the point that sometimes achieving a goal by ourselves becomes more important than achieving the goal itself?
Have you ever considered putting your ego aside for a minute and acknowledging even the smallest gesture of help that you receive every time you're trying to achieve something? Take it from me, if you start making the list and connecting the dots, you'll soon realize that for every door that was unlocked in your life, someone was there to hand you the key. Of course, these doors wouldn't have opened if you didn't put in the necessary amount of work and effort to achieve whatever goal you wanted to achieve, so don't worry, you can still be proud of yourself for having done that; but whether you like it or not, those same doors wouldn't have opened if someone didn't keep reading the stories you write, watching the videos you make, buying the products and services you sell, and ultimately propel you towards your goal. Had your a-ha moment yet?
Now that the tea has been spilled, let me share with you some lessons that I learned when I, too, was trying so hard to make it on my own.
It Doesn't Always Have To Be Hard
Most of us have, at least once in our lives, heard success stories that made struggling look sexy.
Well… It's not.
You can ask any successful person you know and I bet that they'll agree. Although they would probably confess to you that the struggle is what made their success, I'm 100% sure that the early mornings, the late nights, the empty fridges, the countless rejections, and all the adversity weren't a choice.
This might surprise you, but I find it important for you to realize that the paths to fulfill our deepest desires don't always have to be ambushed or lonely. Achieving a goal without it taking us through hardships doesn't make it less meaningful or deserving of a smaller reward. Rising from the ashes sure looks majestic; I get it. But why would you rather burn yourself when, in all sanity, it'd have been more clever to learn how to fly in the first place?
There's a saying that says "work smarter not harder". To me, working harder is placing all of your focus on your wings, trying to figure out how to make them work.
Working smarter is asking the right person to teach you how to fly so that you can focus on your destination.
Do you want to know what's really sexy? Sexy is acknowledging that you can do anything but not everything. Sexy is acknowledging that you need help in order to succeed and realize that you, too, are able to contribute to others' success.
Surround Yourself With The Right People
Walt Disney once said, "You can design and create, and build the most wonderful place in the world, but it takes people to make the dream a reality." I couldn't agree more. But if I may, Mr. Disney, I'd say that it actually takes the right people.
When you start surrounding yourself with the right people, genuine connections are made. They will genuinely use their skills and knowledge to help you achieve success, and the only payback they will ever ask for is for you to help someone else in return.
When you make the decision to surround yourself with the right people, you eventually come to understand that being lit by someone else's light doesn't mean that yours will be dimmed; quite the contrary, it'll only shine brighter.
Most importantly, you realize that trying to make it on your own is a real waste of time. So, instead of using all your energy to be worthy of that "self-made" award, use it to find your mentors, the members of your team and build your community.
Be Grateful & Give Thanks, Always
This, my dear, isn't up for debate. I therefore invite you to go to the people who came to your mind while you were reading this to thank each of them personally.
And like Beyoncé said, I'm not just preaching, I'm taking my own advice.
This article is a tribute to every single person who's played a role, whether it was as a main character or as an extra, in the realization of the woman I've always dreamed of becoming. Especially to my mentor in writing and amazing xoNecole editor, Sheriden Chanel, whom I consider as the Beyoncé of my Blue Ivy.
"Thanks for the love every step of the way, with no support this wouldn't be as great. Thank you for making me stronger than most, for taking it beyond my coast. Thank you for raising your glass when I toast… All I gotta say is I thank you." – Kehlani
*Originally published on Savannah Was Here
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak