So, let me break down what inspired this particular topic. One day, while I was in a session with a couple about how their sex life had been dwindling as of late, the wife said something that caused me to do some real reflecting: “I enjoy having sex with him. It’s just that my vagina is so tired all of the time.”
When I asked her to repeat herself for clarity, she looked at me like, “You heard me.”
“Girl, sometimes it’s literally like my vagina isn’t in the mood for sex. I don’t know how to explain it.”
I kept going deeper. When I asked her if sex was painful, she replied with, “Eh. It’s more like, sometimes, it’s a bit uncomfortable in there. Or I’m not as wet. Or ‘she’ doesn’t have a lot of energy — like the rest of my body is down, but my vagina, specifically, just isn’t in the mood.”
I mean, the vagina is indeed a muscle, and in order to accommodate a penis (or sex toy or even a finger), there is some “stretch work” that it has to do. So yeah, even if we don’t really give it much thought, it makes sense that when the spirit is willing while the flesh is weak for coitus, the “flesh” could be your literal vagina from time to time.
And so, in honor of the client who inspired me to write this, along with every woman who may have felt similar to her at one point or another, here are 12 things that could very well help you out if you’re in the mood for sex and yet, interestingly enough, somehow, it seems that your vagina…isn’t.
1. Take a Collagen Supplement
Getty Images
Probably the best way to explain what collagen is is it’s a type of protein that 30 percent of your body’s protein consists of. It supports your bones, your hair, skin, and nails and can even help keep your heart healthy. Although collagen is found in foods like bone broth, dark leafy greens, and egg whites (for starters), if your vagina needs a bit of a boost, taking a collagen supplement is a good idea, too. In this lane, it helps because, not only does it increase the elasticity of your skin and muscles, it can help to boost hydration, including when it comes to your vagina’s natural lubrication. The more lubrication you produce, the more comfortable intercourse will feel.
For the record, if you’d like an immediate collagen “boost,” look into getting an O-shot. Long story short, it’s a procedure that helps your vagina to create more blood vessels and nerves, which could help to improve your orgasms by increasing their intensity. And yes, a part of what’s in the shot is collagen. If you’re interested, you can read more about it here.
2. Eat Some Vitamin E-Enriched Foods
Getty Images
Earlier this year, I wrote an article for the platform about supplements that are good for your vagina. One of those I mentioned was vitamin E. Not only can it help with vaginal atrophy (the thinning of vaginal walls that can happen during and after menopause), but it can also add more moisture to your vagina too — and that can make your vagina feel more energized and youthful. There are vitamin E suppositories that might be beneficial, or you can eat foods that are high in this particular nutrient. Some of those include almonds, sunflower seeds, pumpkin, turnip greens, cranberries, and olives.
3. Try a Banana, Avocado and Yogurt Smoothie
Getty Images
Speaking of foods that can perk your vagina up, when was the last time you treated yourself to a homemade smoothie? If you consume one that contains banana, avocado, and yogurt, they will work together to do your vagina quite a bit of good. The potassium in the banana can help to increase arousal and keep the muscular canal (which is your vagina) strong; the vitamin B6 that’s in the avocado can boost your libido and help to keep things moist, and the yogurt will help to get more probiotics in your system. That way, you reduce the chances of getting a yeast infection (which can sometimes happen due to a change in pH levels due to sexual activity).
Plus, there are studies to support that the more “good bacteria” that are in your system, the healthier your gut and vagina are — and the more sexual desire you will end up having as a direct result. Pretty cool, right?
4. Drink Some Mint and Citrus Infused Water
Getty Images
I’ve got one more food tip before moving on to some other stuff.
It should come as no surprise to you that if you’re not drinking enough water, both your vagina and vulva are going to show some results of that very fact. And since being dehydrated can lower your libido and also since reportedly 75 percent of us are currently not just dehydrated butchronically dehydrated, definitely up your water intake as soon as possible.
Your vagina will really like it if you make some infused water that contains mint and citrus fruit. Mint helps to keep your vagina’s pH levels in check; plus, it can increase blood circulation down in your vaginal region (mint does this wherever it is applied). And citrus? Fruits like oranges, grapefruit, lemons, and limes help your body to produce collagen (and we’ve already discussed what collagen does).
Citrus fruit is also high in antioxidants, which can help to improve infertility issues. Also, this type of fruit is full of vitamin C, which can increase your sex drive. Some other benefits of vitamin C are it can help to ward off or even prevent bacterial vaginosis (BV), and since its symptoms include itching, odor, and vaginal irritation, I’m sure you can see how all vitamin C is a major perk all the way around.
5. Try an Arousal Lubricating Gel
Getty Images
You’ve probably heard that the biggest sex organ is your brain, and that would absolutely be the case. This means that when your mind is just not “there,” it can have a direct influence on your genital region. Yet what if a large part of you definitely wants to have sex, but you just can’t seem to get your vagina to get in immediate sync? There’s no shame in trying an arousal gel. They are specifically designed to arouse your vagina and also get you wetter down below — and the wetter, the better…right? If you’re down yet you’re not sure which lube would work best for you, Cosmo has a pretty thorough list of arousal gels that you can check out here.
6. Or Some CBD Gel
Getty Images
If you’ve been on the fence about whether or not to incorporate cannabis into your sex life when you get a second, check out “7 Proven Ways Weed Makes Sex So Much Better;” it definitely will provide you with some food for thought. That said, if there’s a part of you that wants to give it a shot, but you’d like to ease into the experience, why not try some CBD-infused lubricant? It helps to increase blood flow to your genital region, it can increase sexual arousal in your body, and it can also help your vagina to relax. The more relaxed “she” is, the easier it will be for you both to climax. Check outa list of some current CBD gel brands that you’ll thoroughly enjoy here; PopSugar has some others here.
7. Consider Some Red Light Therapy
Getty Images
As I’ve been staying on my mission to grow longer and healthier hair (not necessarily in that order), I’ve been more intentional than ever about taking care of my scalp — and that includes massaging it with a device that offers red and blue light therapy. I’ve read that this type of therapy helps to strengthen my hair follicles, which is always a good thing.
Well, guess what? Red light therapy can be good for your vagina, too. Long story short, the combination of both the heat and light that this type of device emits can help to strengthen your vaginal walls, encourage the growth of healthy tissue cells and increase blood circulation to your vagina — and all of this can ultimately make sex more pleasurable for you.
Although they’re not the cheapest things on the planet, a red light device that’s specifically designed for your vagina and pelvic floor is a great investment on a myriad of different levels. I found one for about $120 that comes with some pretty solid reviews. You can check it out here.
8. Do Some Old-Fashioned Dry Humping
Getty Images
It’s not uncommon for two people who’ve been having sex for a while to kind of skip over foreplay and go right to kissing and then intercourse. For us women, we all know that doing that can sometimes make the sexual experience a bit of a “whomp whomp” because our bodies simply weren’t warmed up enough for penetration. If you’re nodding your head up and down in agreement, something that can help in this department is some old-fashioned dry humping.
Hey, call it corny if you want to but, going back to the days of — as the older folks used to call it — making out can slow everything down while building anticipation in the process. It can also give your vagina time to “get excited.” Just make sure that you do this in something other than thick material like jeans. It doesn’t make sense to be rubbing on each other passionately if your clothes are gonna irritate your vagina in the process; now you’re going to have a whole ‘nother set of issues.
9. Have Your Partner Create the “Peace” Sign with Your Clitoris
Getty Images
The same session that I mentioned in the intro? When it came time for the husband to get his two cents in, what he shared was valuable. He said that something he does to perk his wife’s vagina on up is to use the peace sign on her clitoris — and yes, he was being quite literal. He puts some lube on his index and middle finger, throws up the peace sign, and then rubs her clitoris back and forth with it in between his fingers. He says that, more times than not, it works like a charm. I looked over at her, and after she blushed a bit, she nodded her head in agreement. Just sharing the wealth, y’all. Just sharing the wealth.
10. Receive an Oral Sex Orgasm. Take a Quickie Nap. Then Have Intercourse.
Getty Images
Honestly, this tip is like a 2.0 version of edging and, to tell you the truth, out of all of the things that I’ve already stated, if there’s one tip that could probably “wake your vagina up” the quickest, this would be it. Since a whopping 81 percent of people reportedly orgasm from receiving oral sex, get your own girl in the game by having your partner go down on you. Then take a nap (a skin-to-skin one would be divine) and then go for a round or two of intercourse.
Taking this approach will get your vagina wet and happy, a quickie nap will provide an energy boost, the cuddling will raise your oxytocin and dopamine levels (so that you will feel closer to and happier with your partner) — and all of this will make penetrative sex so much better…for all parties involved.
11. Get Your Partner to Do Some “Rocking”
Getty Images
Yeah, rocking is the ish. If you’re not familiar with what that is, it’s when your partner doesn’t use his penis to go in and out of your vagina; instead, he remains still as you “rock” on his shaft (like when you’re on top). The reason why this can be more beneficial for your vaginal pleasure is 1) you can control the movements better and 2) it increases the chances of your clitoris and vagina being stimulated at the same time — and since most women orgasm from clitoral stimulation instead of vaginal penetration…well…there ya go.
12. Or Try Sex Positions That Provide Deep(er) Penetration
Getty Images
Although deep penetrative sex doesn’t work for everyone (for instance, if you have an inverted uterus or a short cervix, it could be painful), I did think I should round this article out with this tip because it can definitely be like a cup of coffee, black, for some women. For instance, if you get on your stomach, have your partner lie on top of you while penetrating you that way (some call it the flatiron while I call it the cat position…if you’ve seen actually cats have sex before, you know why), it can massage your G-spot which is an almost surefire way to get your vagina up and going.
Anyway, if you want to check out some other sex positions that can take “going deep” to new levels, check out Women’s Health’s “15 Sex Positions For Those Times You Really Want To Go Deep.”
_____
Listen, no matter how great sex is, sometimes there are parts of you that just aren’t as much in the mood as you would probably like them to be. If that happens to be your vagina, hopefully, no, you know how to get her head into the game — umm…so to speak. Enjoy, sis. In-freakin’-joy!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy
RELATED
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Fortunately, five simple words have simplified my dating process and ushered in clarity faster: “Would my husband do this?”
A couple of years ago, I met an entertainment lawyer who was tonguing down a twenty-something-year-old woman for breakfast while I slurped my green smoothie and chomped on a flatbread sandwich. Okay, Black love, I grinned and thought as I sauntered out of the Joe & The Juice. As soon as I stepped down from the front door, a torrential downpour of Miami summer rain cascaded and throttled me back inside to wait out the storm.
I grabbed a hot green tea and vacillated between peering out the wet door and anxiously checking my watch. My lengthy agenda started with attending the Tabitha Brown and Chance Brown’s “Black Love” panel, and I was already late. That’s when the lawyer introduced himself to me, after he made a joke about neither one of us wanting to get soaked by the rain. His female companion had braved the storm, leaving us to find our commonalities.
We both lived in L.A. and had traveled to the American Black Film Festival to expand our network. He represented various artists, including entertainment writers, while I was working as a writer/creative producer in Hollywood.
While there is no shortage of internet advice on how to strategically meet a prominent man at conferences, if I spend my hard-earned funds on career growth, I have tunnel vision, and that doesn’t include finding Mr. Right. So, I stowed his contact details away as strictly professional.
Keep It Cute Love And Hip Hop GIFGiphyAs the humidity and mosquitoes were rising around L.A., two months later, another suitor-turned-terrible match cooled off after three unimpressive dates and a bevy of red flags. I posted what some of my friends called a thirst trap, but it was really me wearing a black freakum jumpsuit with a plunging neckline to my friend’s 35th birthday soiree despite feeling oh, so unsexy and bloated on my cycle.
I’d been waiting to post a sassy caption and finally had the perfect picture to match: “You not asking for too much, you just asking the wrong MF.”
That’s when the entertainment lawyer swooped into my DMs and asked me to dinner. I was quite confused. Is he asking me on a date? Or is this professional? Common sense would’ve picked the former. Once it clicked that this would in fact be a date, I told my mentor, who’s been happily married for over twenty years and has often been a guiding light and has steered me away from the wrong men.
Upon telling him about how we met, he emphatically stated, “He ain’t it.” He followed up with a simple question, "You have to ask yourself: Would my husband do this? Would you tell others that you met your husband, tonguing down another woman, and later married him?"
Aint It No Way GIF by UFCGiphyOuch. The thought-provoking question cleared any haze. Prior to going out with the lawyer, the first thing I inquired about was the woman.
“You saw that?” He said, taken aback that I’d witnessed his steamy PDA. Surely, anyone with two open eyes peeped him caressing her backside as he kissed her in the middle of the coffee shop.
He brushed her off as a casual someone he’d gone on a couple of dates with but had since stopped talking to. He said he hadn’t been in a serious relationship in over three years. Though I was still doubtful, dating in L.A. is treacherous and ephemeral. Making it past three months is considered a rarity.
With my antennae alert, I dined with him at a cozy beachside steakhouse restaurant where we were serenaded by a live jazz band. I’d emphasized forming a platonic friendship first.
Break Up Friendship GIF by TLCGiphy“I’ll come to you,” he obliged. I liked that he had made me a priority by driving over 50 miles to see me. I also liked the effort he made to check in with me daily. But I still couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he initiated on a professional pretense and then alley hooped through the back door on a romantic venture, which bombarded me with confusion.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my dating life, God is not the author of confusion; any man who brings confusion, rather than clarity, is simply not The One. It doesn’t matter how many boxes he checks–eventually, that confusion will manifest itself into bigger problems, in time.
After diving into deeper conversations on the phone, post our first dinner date, I quickly realized this man was indeed not The One for me. But I’m grateful for the valuable lesson I learned.
I don’t expect some unattainable fairytale of a husband; we all have our own flaws and conflict is inevitable, but after dating for two decades, through failure and success, I’ve realized that the person I ultimately marry must mirror the values I exert into the world. He must reciprocate kindness, patience, and respect. He must be quick to listen and slow to respond. He needs to be forgiving and trustworthy, practice healthy communication, and be a man of his word at the bare minimum.
If I’d had “Would my husband do this?” in my toolbox when I was dating and floundering in stagnant relationships, in my twenties, it would’ve saved me a lot of precious time. But now that I’m equipped with the reminder, it’s allowed me to ground myself in my non-negotiables and set/maintain the standard for the special person, I’ll one day say, “I do,” to.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by stockbusters/Getty Images