Earlier this year, as the new year rang in, my Facebook newsfeed was full of old school friends and their declarations of resolutions to do better in all aspects of life. Those who wanted to focus on improving their health made promises to fork over cash for gym memberships; most wanted to better their finances so they vowed to map out monthly budgets; others wanted stronger relationships–some wanted simply to be in a relationship. I came across a status from a friend who proclaimed she was ready to be in a relationship and after I left emoji eyes in her comment section, she proceeded to text and tell me about her wishes and someone she was interested in and what #relationshipgoals looked like to her.
We briefly delved into her love life, or lack thereof, and she admitted that she wanted something that what I had. Although this hadn't been the first time she expressed this to me, nor the first time I heard it in general, I was taken aback. My relationship was nothing to aspire to as she was vaguely familiar with my history with my partner and the rough patches that are only shared on my personal blog. Why did she want to be like us? I LOL'd at the response, but made sure to let her know that long-term and more so, life-long relationships, demand that we put in work.
I strongly believe she was smitten by recent pics and posts, but failed to comprehend the trajectory from point A to Z isn't months or years of things going well. It's arguments over bills, frustrations that promises are broken, and sacrifices that call us to be selfless, to name a few. But Instagram in its totality is a filter that presents those scrolling through with a perception that things are how they look. Throw in a few hundred likes per photo and you've got validation that what you see is what you should strive for. While couples aren't uploading their personal struggles to the 'gram, it doesn't mean the things that you wouldn't qualify as #relationshipgoals aren't happening behind the scenes. In fact, I believe that this should be the year that we stop labeling couples as goals for that very reason.
jay z beyonce GIFGiphy
Last year spawned thousands of articles that so-and-so were the prototype of perfection in relationships. If someone posted a photo sharing pizza or their last pink Starburst with their girlfriend, it was #relationshipgoals. Memes offered insight into what was consider ideal. If a couple had matching Louboutins, cars, rings–anything materialistic–it was classified as such, but in my opinion, individuals should strive for more in a relationship.
DeVon Franklin, husband to Meagan Good, offered some words that not only resonated with me and my girlfriends, but was fitting for what I believe should be the ultimate goal in a relationship.
"When you go out, and especially as women, a man wines and dines you but that could be a smokescreen. Romance can always grow out of connection but without connection, romance is a show. Everybody wants the show but everyone gets mad when the show is over, and the person you're in love with is not the person who put on the performance. Romance is fine and it's going to be there but I think real love is that consideration.
"Real love is that concern. Flowers are fine but on a day to day basis, do they care? Are they plugged in? You get so caught up in your day to day life that you can just get on autopilot in your relationship or your marriage. Just because you are with someone all of the time, you make the assumption that they're okay which is not always correct. The person right next to you, who you spend the most time with, could be going through hell and you don't know it because you haven't asked. Those small things is when you really have love and that's the foundation."
In the most recent episode of Danyel Smith and Elliott Wilson's podcast, ironically titled #RelationshipGoals, Danyel introduces a series of questions called "36 Questions on the Way to Love" that “asks basic questions to promote intimacy" early on in the relationship. Some of the questions, created by psychologist, Arthur Aron, are:
- Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
- What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
- What do you value most in a friendship?
- What is your most treasured memory?
- What would constitute a “perfect" day for you?
Last month, she shared her thoughts on marriage with us in an interview.
“Everybody's marriage is complex regardless of how they're presenting it, but to me, it's one of the greatest relationships of life if you're lucky to have it and if it's something that you want."
In order to avoid becoming the next Tasha and Keith, it's best to moderately dig into the nitty gritty from the start so that you aren't falling for the front. Instead, we are falling for the idea of what someone could be and calling it potential because of the platforms that feed into our ideologies of what love should look like. We want a love like the Obamas, Jada and Will, Bey and Shawn, and Nicole and Boris, but when it's time to put in the effort to push through the period after the wonder years, we crack and give up because our expectations weren't met. How are can we foster healthy, long-lasting relationships with people when we compare our lives to others and pray for someone else's fairy tale?
Black And White Love GIFGiphy
There are hundreds of sites that offer listicles on couples who define “relationship goals" or what constitutes things that everyday couples should strive for, but what some have forgotten is what works for some may not work for others. I once told a friend what I do to keep my man, may be how she loses hers, and vice versa. We're so quick to label everything #relationshipgoals, but aren't aware of what's happening behind closed doors. There are a plethora of celebs who live private lives and understandably so. We have so much access to the lives of others, we lose sight of the things that matter most, like that connection Franklin spoke about or the answers to those questions Danyel mentioned. We take things for face value and aren't willing to dig beneath the surface because what we may uncover could shatter our dreams of what a quality relationship is.
But I don't want a relationship built on the foundation of a Sex and the City quote or formed from my perceptions of someone else's marriage. I love what many of our favorite celeb couples represent (“Black love"), disproving beliefs that our relationships are merely rooted in baby mama/daddy issues wrapped in dysfunction, but I don't know what it took to get to 20 years of marriage, or to the White House, or to power couple status. I just want to figure out my own relationship as the road to happiness for us has had its own share of flaws. I can admit that. Picking up the pieces of someone else's bond and making it my own is just a recipe for disaster, not relationship goals.
Featured image by Sky Cinema / Shutterstock.com
RELATED
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
Scouting For Christmas (Hallmark)
Screenshot/ Scouting For Christmas
Angela has been a busy realtor since her amicable divorce a couple of years ago. Now, she is a devoted, if often harried, single mom to a smart and loving 10-year-old girl, Brooklyn. When Brooklyn gets the idea to have William (Marks), the owner of her favorite bakery, cater her scout troop’s posh annual holiday event, she asks Angela to work with him on pitching the idea to the moms in charge. Despite sensing that her daughter might be trying to play cupid, she agrees to help and finds herself enjoying time with him, but is reluctant to open her heart and life to someone new. When Dakota returns, missing her, Angela must decide what is best for her daughter and best for her heart.
Air Date: October 20th
Meet Me Next Christmas (Netflix)
Screenshot/ Meet Me Next Christmas
Christina Milian, Devale Ellis, AND Kofi Siriboe in one holiday film? Sign me up! On a quest to meet the man of her dreams, a hopeless romantic races across New York City to find a ticket to a sold-out Pentatonix Christmas concert.
Air Date: November 6th
A Season to Remember (OWN)
Meet Me Next Christmas/ A Season to Remember
Symone Gibson is a sports reporter in Detroit who's trying to find a story that will take her career to the next level. With the help of a new cameraman, Iggy, she chases down a story and finds romance, courage, and a new sense of direction.
Air Date: November 7th
A Christmas Miracle (BET+)
Screenshot/ A Christmas Miracle
When the Christmas Jubilee at the local community center is in danger of losing funding, the family must band together to make sure everyone, including the kids, have a Merry Christmas.
Air Date: Nov 7th
Style Me For Christmas (BET+)
Screenshot/ Style Me For Christmas
Anything involving Mario’s sexiness and the sound of his sultry voice is a win for me. A boutique owner facing eviction at Christmas gets the fashion assignment of a lifetime when she’s chosen to style a handsome celebrity who’s also a playboy.
Air Date: Nov 14th
Mistletoe & Matrimony (OWN)
Screenshot/ Mistletoe & Matrimony
Olivia Morris (Ashlei Sharpe) is a successful wedding planner who plays it safe in life and love. She is forced to reckon with her timid tendencies when she’s unwillingly tasked with planning her vivacious younger sister’s Christmas Eve wedding. Things get even more complicated when Olivia’s ex-boyfriend, Isaiah (Etienne Maurice), returns from overseas to help with the wedding. When sparks fly with her former flame amidst unfolding family drama, Olivia contemplates if she is finally ready to live life on her own terms this holiday season.
Air Date: November 14th
A Wesley South African Christmas
Screenshot/ A Wesley South African Christmas
When his international business venture comes to a screeching halt, Todd must stick around Durban, South Africa, during the Christmas holiday to close the deal, but not without the Wesley family and all their holiday shenanigans.
Air Date: Nov 21st
The Day Before Christmas (BET+)
Screenshot/ The Day Before Christmas
When two single parents accidentally swap phones and their children’s backpacks on a hectic Christmas Eve, they find themselves covering for each other in a series of chaotic yet heartwarming events, leading to unexpected romance.
Air Date: Nov 28th
Make or Bake Christmas (Lifetime)
Screenshot/ Make or Bake Christmas
With Christmas fast approaching, Leslie, known for her expertise in all things domestic and top lifestyle brands, is looking to expand her business. She sets her sights on the bakery, Sugar Bakers, owned by Denise Sugarbaker and run by her son, David. Determined to make a deal before the end of the year, Leslie sends one of her top employees, Emma, to go undercover as a seasonal employee in order to convince them to sell. Emma unexpectedly finds herself falling in love with the quaint bakery with its Christmas spirit, staff and especially, David.
Air Date: December 1st
Brewster’s Millions: Christmas (BET +)
Screenshot/ Brewster’s Millions: Christmas
When Monica Brewster, a wealthy heiress who has lost her way, faces a Christmas challenge to inherit her uncle Monty Brewster’s grandfather’s fortune, she must learn the true meaning of love, faith, and family by giving instead of receiving, all while navigating the charming chaos, and the true meaning of the holiday season.
Air Date: December 5th
A Very Merry Beauty Salon (Lifetime)
Screenshot/ A Very Merry Beauty Salon
Sienna is preparing for Atlanta's Tinsel Ball, where she will be honored for her charitable work. The annual event takes a glamorous turn with the arrival of Lawrence, whose family's wine brand is now co-sponsoring the Ball.
Air Date: December 7th
Too Many Christmases (BET+)
Screenshot/ Too Many Christmases
Jerome and Kayla are excited to spend their first Christmas together as husband and wife. The only problem is that they’ve never celebrated Christmas without their respective families. This Christmas, instead of deciding on one event, they agree to attend two at the same time to appease their families.
Air Date: December 12th
Queens of Christmas (BET+)
Screenshot/ Queens of Christmas
Doris and Julia, life-long friends and feuding neighbors, learn the true meaning of ‘sisterhood’ and Christmas while hilariously competing for the annual title of ‘Queen of Christmas.'
Air Date: December 19th
24-Karat Christmas (OWN)
Screenshot/ 24-Karat Christmas
When Trish (Samantha Marie Ware), an unlucky-in-love jewelry designer, accidentally sends a set of Christmas wedding bands off with the wrong person, she and the charming best man, Book Mosely (Curtis Hamilton), must work together to track them down and get them to the wedding on Christmas Eve – in the process learning that you can’t wait for love to find you, you have to go out and find it.
Air Date: December 21st
Blended Christmas
Screenshot/ Blended Christmas
After a freak accident, a new bride cancels her tropical Christmas honeymoon to take care of her husband’s ex-wife and kids with a little help from a holiday angel.
Air Date: December 25th
Have you seen any of these films yet? Sound off in the comments, and don’t forget to stream and support each and every one of these films and the actors who made the characters come to life. Happy Holidays xoFAM!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image screenshot/ A Very Merry Christmas