A few days ago, while talking to a “love little sister” of mine about her transitioning out of running her own company to becoming a top executive for a major corporation, after congratulating her, one of the things that I asked was, “So, your company: is it going to be dead or dormant?” There definitely is a difference because, while death marks the end of something, permanently, when something is dormant, it’s simply asleep or inactive for a season. She said that her business was going to be the latter.
You can tell by the title of today’s piece that we’re going to apply the definition of dormant to sexually transmitted infections (STIs), which some people still call sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). If you’re curious about what inspired me to pen this, I’ll be real with you — the only time that I’ve had an STI, it was chlamydia, and I discovered I had it after going through a simultaneous bout of mono and strep throat.
When my doctor told me that I had chlamydia, I was kind of baffled (due to what I was on sexually at the time); that is, until he said that it seemed that I had probably had it in my system for about two years or so — and when I thought back to that time of my life, some dots started to connect. Anyway, what triggered my body to “activate” the infection was my immunity being so low due to the other illnesses that I had. And boy, I must admit that I learned a serious lesson in all of that — the kind that I want to prevent as many as possible from personally experiencing if I can.
Let me start all of this off by saying, sis, unless you are in a mutually committed long-term relationship where you both get tested regularly, using a condom should never not be an option (check out “Thinking About Going Condom-Free? Read This Before You Do.”). And listen, if you’re kind of on the fence about living in that kind of headspace, here’s hoping that after you read this, you absolutely will not be.
When It Comes to STIs/STDs, What Does “Dormant” Mean?
GiphySo, let’s get right into it. When it comes to STIs/STDs, when they are lying dormant in your system, what that basically means is they’re in your body without posing any symptoms. How does this happen? Well, STIs/STDs have incubation periods; sometimes they can last for a few days, sometimes a few months, and yep, some can take a few years (I actually recently read that herpes can be dormant in one’s body for several decades; no joke).
This means that while you’re out here thinking that you are fine, just because you don’t have any symptoms, you could be carrying the infection around and actually expose your partner(s), who could end up with the illness and the symptoms.
If you just read all of what I just said and thought, “I mean, a few days or months makes sense, but years?” — first, remember my own story that I just shared with you, then check out which infections apply:
- Again, herpes can lie dormant for 30+ years
- Syphilis can lie dormant for 30+ years
- HIV can lie dormant for 10+ years
- HPV can lie dormant for…who knows how long?
And just what determines how long an infection can remain “asleep” or “inactive?” Well, like I said earlier, immunity is one factor. Another is your age because, as you get older, your system is not as resilient as it tends to be when you are younger (which could explain articles like “Single boomers are having 'S-E-X.' They're also seeing a surge in STIs”). Some other things to take into account are if you have a particular kind of strain of the infection (which you can’t Google to find out; only your physician can tell you).
And here’s the thing: if you do happen to have one of these infections and you are asymptomatic, that doesn’t mean that you can’t end up with infertility issues, that you won’t make your body more susceptible to certain types of cancer (including your throat and genitalia) and/or that you aren’t now more vulnerable to HIV. See how serious all of this is?
Have mercy. See why wearing condoms, each and every time, and getting tested (annually if you have one partner and they only have you as one too and every 3-6 months if you have multiples) is paramount? Especially since it continues to be reported that only one-third of men and one-fourth of women actually use rubbers and (goodness children) one-third of 15-YEAR-OLDS don’t use protection of any form (condoms or the pill).
Yep, everyone should know about this kind of information…as soon as possible too.
Can You Test Negative and Still Have an STI/STD?
GiphyOkay, but what if you read all of this (thus far) and thought to yourself, “I get tested, I’m good.” I mean, if you don’t use condoms — maybe, maybe not. The reason why I say that is because there is such a thing as getting a false negative on an STI/STD test result. This happens because, although most reputable tests are pretty accurate, they aren’t 100 percent and so yes, there is a chance that you could take a test and the result not be what it (initially) says that it is.
This typically happens if you think you’ve been exposed to an infection and you test too soon — because, again, each infection has its own incubation period. For instance, chlamydia typically needs an incubation time of 7-21 days, gonorrhea needs 1-14 days, trichomoniasis needs 5-28 days, genital herpes needs 2-12 days, and genital warts? Well, its incubation period could take months if not years. Hmph.
To me, the biggest takeaway from this point is if you take a test right after you think you’ve been exposed to an infection and the results are negative, you should take another within a couple of weeks, just to be sure. Then maybe again in a few months, to be extra sure.
Let’s continue.
What If You Test Positive and Your Partner Tests Negative (or Vice Versa)?
GiphyAight, because STIs/STDs are not as “simple” or “black and white” as you might’ve been led to believe before reading all of this, that’s why you can’t just assume that if you test positive and your partner tests negative, or if it’s the other way around, that the one who isn’t infected won’t end up becoming that way later on — because again, a dormant infection is real out in these streets.
It also should go on record that depending on how long you’ve been with someone, it’s not exactly fair to automatically assume that they’ve sexually been with someone other than you because again…dormancy can last for months or years. Take chlamydia, for example. Although it is indeed a highly contagious infection, back when I found out that I had it, my boyfriend at the time didn’t (including while having sex with me) — and we weren’t always using condoms. How could this be?
Well, one article that I read said that the ratio of it being transmitted from partner, by gender, is “male to female: 32.1% and 34.9%” and “female to male: 21.4% and 4.6%”; in other words, it’s not a given that “the carrier” will pass chlamydia along to their partner. Moving on, I also know a guy (who actually pisses me off when it comes to this) who has herpes and doesn’t always use a condom.
In his eyes, since he takes his meds daily and avoids sex during breakouts, there is no need — to use condoms or to tell his partners. HOW SELFISH IS THAT (and yes, I am yelling it!). Even at the slightest inkling of an outbreak, herpes is too contagious (including via oral sex) to be playing those types of games — especially since it continues to have no cure.
The lesson here? Whoever has an infection while their partner doesn’t, mutual testing still needs to transpire, and condoms definitely need to be used until the one with the infection has taken their meds, and then they have tested negative. And honestly, for the next few weeks, condoms still should be used until both individuals have tested again and have a negative result — both ways.
What Can You Do to Avoid the Fear of Having a Dormant STI/STD?
GiphyY’all, the fact that 75 percent of women and 50 percent of men can have chlamydia without any symptoms is enough of a reason to use rubbers and stay getting tested. Goodness. However, as I wind all of this up, as concerning as all of this intel is, it’s not like you just have to — pardon the pun — lie down and take it. There are always preventative measures that can be taken to significantly decrease your chances of ending up with an STI/STD — dormant or not.
Choose your partners carefully. Sex is an act that can get you sick and/or make a human. This means that it’s never as casual as our culture makes it out to be. Take your time. Have sex deal-breakers. If you sense red flags…heed them.
USE. CONDOMS. When used correctly, they are 98 percent effective at preventing pregnancy and 95 percent effective at preventing STIs/STDs. If you avoid them because you don’t like how they feel, I’ve got some hacks for that here: “10 Ways To Make Using A Condom So Much More Pleasurable.” If you do avoid condoms, remember that since they can help to keep you healthy, there really should be no excuse to go without them. Period.
Don’t just get tested; require that your partner be tested too. Real life ain’t no rom-com or soap opera, so let’s not do the “But he’s so fine” or “I’m not comfortable bringing it up” thing when it comes to making sure that your partner (especially if he’s new) has been recently tested — like within the past six months and has his results to prove it.
Listen, if he’s not comfortable talking about this with you, you shouldn’t be comfortable letting any body part of his inside of yours. Straight up.
Remember that some vaccinations are available. Although there aren’t currently vaccines for all STI/STDs, there ones that you can take for HPV, Hepatitis A, and Hepatitis B. Just something to keep in mind.
There is nothing wrong with abstinence. Whenever people ask me how I could go so long abstaining — the freedom of not thinking about pregnancies or illnesses is a perk enough, chile. That said, if you want a season to go without worrying about any of this, abstinence will certainly do it for you.
___
Dormant STIs/STDs. Should they terrify you? No. Should you always be concerned and super proactive in how you move, though? 1,000 percent. After all, a lot goes on during sex. Make sure that you are responsible 2.0, so that it doesn’t end up blindsiding you with something that is not not present — just…asymptomatic.
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The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak