Women are all about self-care, self-preservation and protecting our energies, leaving dope legacies, and living our best life unapologetically. To achieve this means we have to reshift our focuses, venture out into avenues that we've never gone to, and follow unconventional paths to achieve our dreams. We have remarkable leaders that have set the example that you can have what you desire if you are uncompromising and authentic. We dig our heels in the mud and hit the ground running.
Our focus is on success, not just professional success, but success of self.
For us, developing the life we desire, with little to no negative energy, is the success we strive for. That is the success we improve and become great at. But on the flip side, our tunnel vision to greatness leaves us lacking in our personal lives. We unconsciously develop blockers that make how we interact with others, especially those we would like to pursue a relationship with, a little intimidating. We can be all about business, and though it works in our professional worlds, in our personal lives? Not so much.
Moreover, if you are navigating your single season, you have less time for sugar-coating and finessing anyone because "you ain't got time for that!"
I am guilty of this. Throw me under the jail, solitary confinement only, guilty of it. My single season has been ten years too long but I have seen various peaks and valleys that have left a profound lesson or five. The best of which is solo-dating in my single season.
Solo-dating is not a new concept, but it has become more relevant as women started to develop self-care routines that bring out the best in them. I am the queen of solo-dating. I started about eight years ago out of necessity. I felt like a failure at relationships and my personal life was in shambles. Solo-dating was treating myself in the way I deserve to be treated. Immersing myself in the pleasure of my own company and learning my mannerisms so that I could understand what I bring to the other side of the table.
I admit, it is not easy to do the first time out but once you start, it becomes very revealing and personal.
A Commitment To Self
"Solo-dating is me marrying myself. I figure it this way, if I can't make a commitment to myself, to love me through all of my good days and bad, then how can I expect anyone else to?" - Lauren V., Orlando, FL
If you cannot live up to your own expectations, if you cannot commit to yourself, why require it from someone else. Solo-dating forced me to become more mindful and present of how I presented myself to others.
We often take for granted our own presence as we show up into the world.
We are very "take me as I am," but what if as you are could be fine tuned? In our single season, we are not worried about how other people perceive us so we get super comfortable. We grow to love ourselves, flaws and all; we get used to our little nuances that do not bother us or our girlfriends and guy friends. We forget that the evolutionary constant, change, requires us to seek to do better, even in our single season. That is until we want to start dating.
Then we realize that not everything is good as gold and we start to question what it is that we are doing wrong. This is where the dates come into play. I learned how to be comfortable in my own presence and still be mindful enough to know when habits and nuances need to be changed for the better while dating myself. I learned how to be a better friend, how to exist in the moment and keep distractions away, and most importantly, I got better at communicating. Lessons that would have been lost had I not spent the time to get to know myself.
Mastery Of The Art Of Self-Love
"Before you can master a relationship with other people, you have to master the relationship with the most important person in your life, yourself." - Jill B.
Relationships are built on commonalities, chemistry, and a little bit of lust. All of these things come together to create a bond between two people that can be either incredible, disastrous, or incredibly disastrous. Have you ever reflected on your dating life and thought "What the $#%& was I thinking!?" A wave of disgust and tons of questions just pop up in your mind because you really want to know if you had lost all your marbles when you were in that relationship. Or rather, you find yourself asking how did you manage to lose yourself in that one relationship when you were so positive you knew who you were?
I am not a big rom-com fan but one of my favorites is Runaway Bride starring Julia Roberts and RIchard Gere. In it, Julia plays this serial bride with identity issues that ditches her betrothed at the altar; numerous times, various men. There's a scene where Gere asks her how she likes her eggs. A simple question, but there was no simple answer. This woman was so consumed with getting married and being the perfect wife that she never too the time to know herself...nor how she liked her eggs! In the post climax scenes, she is pretty much forced to solo-date to figure out just who she is, what she likes, and what she wants out of relationships. It works out because she gets her man in the end, like all good rom-coms do!
It also worked to illustrate a point: We have to master a relationship with ourselves before we hop into a committed union with anyone else!
Single seasons are hard, but imagine how much harder it would be jumping into a relationship with someone else and you are not sure of who you are. You'd be lost in that other person so quickly you'll feel like you've gone into your sunken place. When we're ready to date, really date, and date with purpose, the universe will open the doors we need to enter. It will guide us to whom we deserve, not specifically who we want. There's no master recipe to follow when it comes to the art of solo-dating; it's really to each her own. The only thing that remains the same for each person is the lessons you learn and the expectations you set.
Defining The Standards Of Love You Accept
"It helps me to set a standard for the kind of love I desire to receive." - Ciera J., Laurel, MD
Eartha Kitt was known as uncompromising in her relationships, and why wouldn't she be. There was a woman that was so self-assured, ruffling her feathers took work! She had standards for her life and all those who dare enter and if you were audacious enough, you were there for the long haul. Setting standards, healthy and realistic standards, for yourself helps you weed out those who are there to waste your time from those who find ways to make time.
If you approach dating yourself as if you are courting someone, you develop this discernment that helps you choose suitors better. Your BS radar is tuned and you can pick up the blips from 150 yards away.
Solo-dating done correctly changes the dynamics of dating and you become more self-assured in what you want.
Not to mention, your taste in the men you attract will change! Energy begets energy, so we attract what we give out. When we start to cultivate healthy relationships with ourselves, we unconsciously create attractions for what we deserve. You'll start putting yourself in places that allow for you to meet suitors that fit the blueprint of what you are deserving of in a significant other. No matter the personality type, men are attracted to confidence, and there is nothing more confident than a woman that is comfortable in her own skin. What's most important to remember is you have to put yourself out there!
Where The Right Place & The Right Time Meet
"The universe will not drop your future husband on your doorstep, unless he happens to be your delivery guy. You have to purposefully get out to be seen."
You cannot stay home and date, solo or otherwise. To be seen, you have to be seen.
Solo-dating allows you to put yourself in social situations and activities that you enjoy but also ones that you may potentially meet your future boo. That wine tasting sunset sail that you are second guessing attending may have your future Mr. Right onboard enjoying the sunset. That new cigar bar that you've been curious about checking out but are afraid of coming off intimidating, that may be the spot where you get swept off your feet.
You have got to step out of the comfort zone and get into the swing of enjoying what's interesting to you. Museums and long walks in the park are not for everyone and you should not operate as if partaking in activities you are 40% interested in will land you the guy of your dreams. That works in only a small percent of the true life stories. The other majority is being like Ruth and putting yourself in position to meet your Boaz. It was not all divine intervention.
Take that DIY workshop at Home Depot, go to that Trap & Sip, check out that drag race, but do it because you want to go.
Enjoy it because you are there to tap into your authentic self.
Relish in the moment because your company and mastering the relationship with yourself is important to you. Then watch how the universe begins to answer prayers and open doors. Be patient.
Taking care of home and preparing a place of peace and nurturing for yourself will reap benefits you never dream of. You just have to be willing to get uncomfortable with being comfortable with the norm and date yourself first.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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You know, sometimes, when I go back and look at some of the articles that I’ve penned for the platform before, I truly can’t believe how fast time flies. Take the piece, “What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?” — now, how in the world did it turn five this year? I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around it. And although the piece does address some key points — like the fact that there is somewhat of a difference between being spiritual and being religious (although more people should read James 1:27 in order to understand how the Bible defines religion to be…it just might surprise them) — I want to explore a deeper angle of our spirituality, along with what we should require of it.
Today, let’s look at spirituality from the perspective of “the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things,” “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…” (Murray and Zentner) and, perhaps, more than anything else, “the relationship between ourselves and something larger."
You know, it’s a woman by the name of Dr. Maya Spencer who once said, “Spirituality means knowing that our lives have significance in a context beyond a mundane everyday existence at the level of biological needs that drive selfishness and aggression. It means knowing that we are a significant part of a purposeful unfolding of Life in our universe.” Indeed.
And while keeping that in mind, if this is a time of your life when you would like to “clean or cleanse your spirituality” by doing things like removing negative energy, getting rid of old or counterproductive patterns and/or by stepping into an elevated space as far as your human spirit and soul are concerned, you might be pleasantly surprised by how easy and even fun that can be for you to do.
To effectively clean/cleanse your spirit, start by asking — and answering — the following five spirituality-focused questions:
What Inspires You?
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Remember how, in the intro, I shared that one definition of spirituality is “a quality that goes beyond religious affiliation, that strives for inspiration, reverence, awe, meaning and purpose…”? That is actually where I am pulling a lot of these questions from because, the reality is that focusing on things that inspire you, intentionally pondering your purpose, and also by encouraging yourself to become an overall better human being — these things definitely tie into your spiritual side whether you are “traditionally religious” or not.
And so, when it comes to cleansing your spirituality in this season, a great question to start off with is what actually inspires you? And listen, believe it or not, inspire is a pretty layered word. I say that because, while one definition is “to produce or arouse (a feeling, thought, etc.),” another is “to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence,” while synonyms of the word include excite, affect, cause, motivate, provoke, and instill. This means that if you truly want to say or do things from a place of inspiration, you need to produce things from a divine or supernatural space (interesting, right?).
The reason why it’s so important to “spring clean” in this department is, oftentimes you can be motivated or provoked by things that aren’t really all that good, healthy and/or beneficial for you (social media fast, anyone?) — things that take your mind off of what’s divine — sacred, godly and extremely good. As a result, you find yourself producing out of a mind and heart space that is compromised when it comes to your core standards, values, and even goals.
So yes, in the effort to cleanse your spirituality, begin by really reflecting on what you claim inspires you — then revisit what the word actually means…just to be sure that you are being honest with yourself about whether something or one is truly inspiring you…or not.
What Amplifies Your Purpose?
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Purpose is always something that is going to be a pretty big deal to me. That’s why I’ve written articles for the platform like “What Does It Mean To Have 'Purposeful Relationships'?,” “Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose,” “The Conversation You Need To Have With Yourself Before The New Year Begins,” “How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'” and “5 Signs You Are Living Your True Purpose.” It’s because really, if you’re not focused, most of all, on the reason why you exist in the first place, nothing else is going to be fully, truly, and authentically fulfilling for you.
So, when it comes to this part of your spirituality, first take some time to make sure that you know what your purpose is. If you have no clue and you’re ready to find out, as a wise person once said, wisdom comes in the questions, even more than the answers, and Rockwood Leadership Institute has a whopping 132 questions that you can ask yourself in order to get to the root of what your purpose is here. On the flip side, if you do know and you’re just not feeling completely satisfied in what you are currently doing as it relates to executing your purpose, it sounds to me like you are going through a bit of a “purpose growth spurt,” and yes, there is such a thing.
For instance, I am very clear on what my purpose in life is — I am here to teach what I study and research about when it comes to the topics of covenant marriage, sex, and the biblical Sabbath. All are covenant principles that have been unbelievably compromised in a thousand different ways. However, as I evolve, transform, and mature, my understanding of what I know does as well, and that “upgrades” how I approach and share my purpose with others. You see, purpose is never supposed to be stagnant…it is ever-shifting as far as how you accomplish things within it.
And that’s why, spiritually, it’s so important that you make sure that you are AMPLIFYING YOUR PURPOSE. To amplify is “to make larger, greater, or stronger; enlarge; extend.” If you are not putting forth the effort to do just this, there is some spiritual cleansing that must be done because, if there is one thing about a person’s purpose, it’s the fact that it’s HUGE which means that there will always be plenty to do within it until their time on this earth ends.
What Makes You Love Better…and More?
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I believe I’ve mentioned before that a show that I loathe with every fiber of my being (and there really is so much to choose from these days — SMDH) is TV One’s For My Man. Not only is it a program that discourages full-level accountability, but it irks me to no end every time that it says that a woman did some heinous crime in the name of love. According to Scripture, GOD IS LOVE (I John 4:8&16). Not only that, but the Love Chapter in Scripture has a very healthy, sane, and mature take on how we should love and require love in return (I’m going to share two translations of I Corinthians 13:4-8 for expanded context):
“Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, doesn’t force itself on others, isn’t always ‘me first,’ doesn’t fly off the handle, doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, doesn’t revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best, never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Love never dies.” (I Corinthians 13 — Message)
“Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end].” (I Corinthians 13 — AMPC)
Now, think about what you see displayed on television when it comes to relationships. Based on these verses, is it love? Is it really? Ponder all of the relationship content that’s on social media. Does it sound like this kind of love? Does it really? The times when you’ve done things that you know were purely rooted in selfishness, impatience, and/or refusing to do for others what you would want them to do for you — how can any of that be loving? If you do believe in God and you also believe that you were made in his image (Genesis 1:26-28), this means that a part of your own spiritual DNA is love. This also means that if you know that your love has been tainted by material or physical things (which, by definition, is the opposite of spirituality), it’s time to make some real adjustments.
That said, take some time, think about the people and things that you profess to love, and ask yourself if it’s really love or is it lust or entitlement or immaturity. Then ask yourself what you can do to love those individuals and items better.
Remember, since you are made from Love, it’s important that you love like you are.
How Effective Are You When It Comes to Compassion?
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Personally, I think that whenever someone does something reckless and then follows up with the Bible says not to judge, I find it to be a supreme level of gaslighting. The context of that verse is saying that in the way that you judge, you will be judged and that you should make sure that you are right in the area that you are judging before you judge someone else (Matthew 7:1-5); however, be clear that judgment is a form of accountability which is why there are also verses like “Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment” (John 7:24 — NKJV) that exist — not to mention the fact that discernment literally means “keen judgment” and the Good Book supremely promotes that: “Strike a scoffer, and the simple will become wary; rebuke one who has understanding, and hewill discern knowledge.” (Proverbs 19:25 — NKJV)
And that’s why, any time the topic of “don’t judge” comes up, I am known for saying something along the lines of, “PUH-LEEZE. If I say ‘You’re cute,’ I just judged you. Humans don’t have a problem with judgment; they don’t like criticism or accountability.” And gee, is that unfortunate because it’s hard to grow without both of those things. However, the key that comes with being on the giving end of criticism or holding someone accountable is applying a quote by author Anne McCaffrey: “Make no judgments where you have no compassion.”
This world has a lot of…stuff going on, stuff that needs to be addressed and stuff that needs compassion applied while it is. By definition, compassion is about having concern for others, especially if what you see them going through, they have either told you or you can discern is tied to some level of internal suffering. And that’s why, in the spirit of spiritual cleansing, something else to ask is if you are holding others and even yourself accountable while operating from a place of genuine care and concern or is your ego just wanting to elevate itself or prove that it’s right?
You know, we’re living in a time when, more and more, people are frowning on humility which is unfortunate because a definite quality that comes with being a compassionate person is absolutely that — “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4 — NKJV)
It really is almost impossible to be profoundly spiritual without being a compassionate person. Is this an area that needs some “cleaning up”? If so, there is no time like the present.
What Encourages You to Be Wiser and Full of More Truth?
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Musician Jimi Hendrix once said, “Knowledge speaks, wisdom listens.” Aristotle once said, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” Confucius once said, “By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, which is the noblest; second, by imitation, which is the easiest; and third, by experience, which is the bitterest." Thomas Jefferson once said, “The wisest men know their weakness.” Author Gift Gugu Mona once said, “A woman of peace is a wise woman who understands that peace is more powerful than trying to prove a point.”
And what does it mean to be wise?
People who can regulate their emotions are wise. People who actually learn from their experiences (and the experiences of others, so that they don’t have to experience everything) are wise. People who know how to tame their ego are wise. People who are flexible/adaptable, non-materialistic, are self-aware, can be relied upon for great perspectives and insights, and are teachable are wise. The self-disciplined are wise. The patient are wise. The non-entitled are wise. Those who prioritize well are wise.
Those who do not live above their means (across the board), they are also wise. And there is no way that you can be wise without being willing to be completely honest, yes truthful with yourself about where you could stand to gain more wisdom and what must be done — and sometimes sacrificed — in order to get it.
And so, as I close this piece out, when it comes to spring cleaning your spirituality, ask yourself who and what encourages and enables you to become a wiser individual — AND who and what hinders that from transpiring. Then be honest with yourself about what is challenging you for the better and what, frankly, is only dumbing you down. Indeed, in order to live out the full potential of your spirituality, wisdom must come into play. However, it’s important to keep in mind that, for wisdom to truly flourish, it is a conscious choice — a daily decision.
And it will never come so long as you are making up excuses, justifying poor behavior (check out “Accountability Time: Let's Stop Calling It A 'Mistake' When It Was A 'Choice'”) or lying to yourself about what needs to be done. Taking those approaches to life is literally the opposite of being wise.
A French priest by the name of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin once said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” I can only imagine how much the quality of our lives would improve if we took that in on a very serious level.
The good news is you can choose to do it — right here and right now.
See yourself as a spiritual being.
Clean/cleanse whatever hinders that reality.
And watch how you begin to soar, supernaturally, by design, because of it, sis.
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