Girls' Trips & Group Pics: Are We Losing The Essence Of Friendship In The Age Of Social Media?
A few months ago, I found myself on social media, scrolling, and came across a video of a bunch of friend groups taking girls' trips and felt an uncomfortable amount of jealousy and, if I'm honest, also sadness.
My friends and I are all in different places in our lives and haven’t traveled together in almost a decade. In undergrad, I went on spring break with friends, and in my very early twenties, I experienced a few trips with individual friends, but these friend groups that travel together can’t relate lol, and I’m not going to lie, it bothers me because I’ve always wanted that.
At first, that reality made me a little emotional, and I was brought to tears until I saw the comment section with responses like “Step one, find friends first” or “Does anyone else not have friends who like to travel?” While I found solace in that and have since understood the importance of travel groups, making friends with women who love to travel and have the schedule for it, and appreciating my friendship groups for what they are, I now wonder, overall, if social media making us compare our friendships in the same ways that we compare our romantic relationships?
Somewhere along the way, have we lost the plot? Is there friendship and connection outside of meeting up at the hottest new restaurant, girls' trip where we all wear the same outfits, or dinner parties with color schemes (not judging any of these choices, because I love them all), what about the friends that come over to give you a hug when you’ve had a bad day? Where are the friends who will run errands with you? Where are the friends who will give you their Finsta password to find out if your man has a side chick? Where are the friends who show up to your kids' sporting events?
Growing up with shows like Living Single and Girlfriends, we had the blueprint and somehow have missed the mark. We love to discuss the impact of these shows and how they made us feel seen - but do we hang out at each other's houses? Do we embrace friends who don't dress like us? Or are we only interested in friends who fit a certain aesthetic or are exactly like us?
In search of the truth and various perspectives, we’ve talked with 16 Black women for their points of view on whether they believe social media impacts friendships and if it’s made some friendships superficial.
Lisa, NJ:
Many of my closest friends are not on social media, however, the friends that are don’t respond to things unless (to me) they are concerned about something when they read into a post. Then I get a call like, “Hey girl, are you okay, I saw your post." Or they will be ringing my doorbell…even if they are still living in the Bronx. There are a core group of friends that we check in on a few times per month and meet up but for the ones that are on social media, it seems like I’m the only one that sends cards and reaches out more.
To me, they let social media be their only form of contact unless something serious is going on, sadly. They send greetings on social media, yet I still do both if you are a friend, that’s just me, and they know it… Sometimes, social media can be an easy way to avoid that old-school outreach. But let them need prayer even if I haven’t spoken to them in months. I'll just pray and love every moment.
Courtney, RI:
I do believe socials have an impact on friendships that make them “appear” superficial— however, I don’t want to believe that beautifully documented moments equal superficial friendships. I think some of the best moments with girlfriends aren’t always pretty and well-documented. BUT. There are times when I do capture things with my friends for social media specifically, and those are some rock-solid relationships - we are just cute. And outside. And y’all need to see us, lol.
JT, NC:
Social media has helped me connect with friends since relocating, however, while battling a chronic condition and sharing the deeply personal things I share about panic attacks and my pain, it triggers a lot of people, usually those closest to me. Meanwhile, I have strangers in my DMs daily praising the work I do and telling me I need a bigger platform. It breaks my heart when those I once loved rip me apart solely for being honest. I also think people put way too much thought into what people post instead of just having a real convo about what is really triggering [them] deep down.
Jennifer, NY:
In my opinion, a lot of friendships have become superficial - quite frankly, a lot of women are starting to look alike! There's nothing wrong with sharing posts, keeping your page a certain way, documenting while you are out, etc., but I have noticed many friendships have become "let's go here so we can get good pics" and less about building a bond.
Petulia, NJ:
I feel like social media makes friendships seem like they’re not adequate enough by the display that certain people have. It makes people feel like if they’re not giving out lavish gifts, they’re not good enough friends. If they’re not doing expensive dinners, things like that but friendships are more than that.
Courtney, NJ:
I think, in general, social media has played a role in how friendships are viewed! I think people see the glitz and the glam of friendships that people post however, they don’t see the times when you’re not talking… where there might be friction (women being women)… when you lose touch (life be life-ing), etc. I think that is what people don’t see and don’t really show the honesty in friendships on social media.
Quadira, NJ:
So I’ve always battled with valuing friendships since I was a kid. One, I would blame the fact that I moved a lot, so whenever I actually developed a friendship with someone, and we got close within a year or two, I had to move, and after a while, that just made me no longer wanna get close with people. And I was always satisfied with having a bunch of siblings and cousins as my friends. So I would have maybe one friend each school year, and I was okay with that.
I never really got to experience like a core group of girlfriends until I was in the 11th grade, and even then, I saw them as disposable and replaceable, but not in a mean girl way. I was just detached from the idea of long-lasting friendships. And I think that it took a toll on me throughout my college years because I would watch everyone have a group of friends that they stuck with for all four years and saw how they built their lives together after college, and I just feel like I missed out on that.
EF Volart/Getty Images
Social media has definitely made me feel a lot of FOMO, like I denied myself something so special by not putting value in building friendships. The cute pictures with friends were something that drove my FOMO, but I feel like it was misguided because I didn’t really understand what it took for people to have these moments with each other for so long OR that some of these photos really didn’t represent a healthy friendship.
But now I have that understanding, and my on-and-off social media moments with my friends don’t always look so aesthetically pleasing because it is authentic to the kind of friendship that we built with each other and does not mirror what other folks got going on.
Like me and my best friend have more crazy-looking FaceTime screenshots of each other than posed pictures. Because that’s just who we are and that’s what puts a smile on our faces looking back at those FaceTime screenshots rather than pictures intended for social media.
Beata, NJ:
I think social media could be a good thing for friendships in that it gives you gathering ideas, recs for places to go, and overall sometimes content that makes you appreciate the tribe you do have when you see it sort of reflected in front of you and can relate. I think some people have even found valued friendships through social media that they may otherwise wouldn’t have found in the “real world.” However, we know that with all things social media - there’s also that downside.
Sometimes, things can feel performative, one could wonder if people are reaching out to hang out because they see you posting a certain lifestyle and want parts or if they’re genuinely looking to connect. There’s also that notion of comparison, which we know can be the thief of joy. Maybe you don’t have that many friends or that core group, and because of what’s being portrayed on social media, you feel bad about what you do have because it doesn’t look the same.
Sade Danielle:
My personal experience is quite the opposite. I think social media has allowed my friendships to strengthen. As we get older, move away, and have limited time because of other responsibilities, social media has kept us together and even motivates us to plan trips, go to events, or just give kind reminders that we can stay connected through content we find and share.
Denise, NY:
I think social media hasn’t made it superficial, but I do think it has made it lack depth and a sense of responsibility.
Daneyah, LA:
I am a huge girls' girl and love all of my friends for who they are as individuals. One thing that has stood out to me is not depending on one friend for everything, as different friendships have different values and bring different things to the table! Yes, I feel like friends engage with each other socially based on time and proximity.
Because I live so far from most of my friend groups, we lean on socials to stay connected, share memes/relatable content, as well as support each other from afar! It’s definitely helped me stay connected. But I can also see the counter of that, where people see friend groups on social media and get attached to the facade but not the work that goes into nourishing those friendships behind the scenes.
Destiny, NJ:
Yes, I believe friendships have become so superficial based on social media and aesthetics. For instance, I’ve observed in my own personal friendships some friends will gravitate to people who have more of a social media following and what is trending on social media. Wanting to go to certain places and do certain things to adhere to a trend rather than just pulling up on your girls to talk. It becomes hurtful, too, when you have your core group of friends, and the group chat goes cold because you can't ever align schedules, but you see them with people who may fit more of an aesthetic.
Nashima, OH:
Social media has significantly shaped my friendships, making it easier to connect with friends no matter the distance. I enjoy sharing updates and experiences through posts and messages, which helps me feel closer to them. However, I've also noticed that it can lead to misunderstandings, as tone can be easily misinterpreted in text. Additionally, seeing friends highlights can sometimes evoke feelings of jealousy or exclusion. Jealousy in the sense I am missing out because I am states away.
While I appreciate the convenience of staying in touch, I often find that online interactions lack the depth of face-to-face conversations. Balancing social media with real-life connections is important for me to truly strengthen those friendships. Overall, social media plays a crucial role in my relationships, but it's essential to prioritize meaningful communication alongside it.
Justine, NJ:
I think social media affects friendships negatively because it offers a false sense of connection. It is nice to see photos or relatable memes that friends post, but it doesn’t give us an inside view of how they are really doing. It can be used as a tool to stay in the loop, but true connection involves vulnerability and impersonal encounters; both are missing from social media.
Jaylon, PA:
Social media has certainly impacted friendships in a number of ways. On one hand, I believe it’s made it harder to have true, deep, and long-standing connections as we compare ourselves and lives to the lifestyle content we see online. But it also has allowed us to connect with people who have similar interests all around the world.
Ebony, NJ:
I don't feel like social media plays a part in my friendship but I can see the benefits and negative impacts. Social media has been a way to celebrate with friends that I haven’t seen and see if they're going on an amazing vacation, getting married, or if they're opening up their own business, so I do find that it gives me opportunities to still be present even if I can't physically show up.
Sometimes, there are negative impacts of social media, especially as Black women. When we’re looking at content comparing our lives, there's so many curated situations on social media, so it may feel like, "Oh my friendship doesn't look like this," so then comparison sets in.
No matter where you fall whether you’ve found yourself comparing your friendships, felt alone, have a strong group of friends, or none at all, remember this - you are worthy of friendship.
Maskot/Getty Images
Every connection and friendship I have, from my best friends from high school and college to my friends I’ve met as a creator and entrepreneur, brings something unique to my life, and I truly believe that we can celebrate our old friends while embracing the opportunity to make new ones.
It’s important to realize that growth doesn’t mean leaving people behind; instead, it can enrich our lives in ways we never imagined. It’s absolutely possible to cultivate new friendships while holding onto the ones that have been with you through thick and thin. Each relationship adds a different flavor to our lives, and there’s power in allowing ourselves the space to expand our circles without losing the love for those who have always been there.
So, let’s embrace change, appreciate the different paths we take, and honor the friendships that shape our journeys, old and new.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by EF Volart/Getty Images
Dubbed one of the "21 Black Women Wellness Influencers You Should Follow" by Black + Well, Yasmine Jameelah continues to leave her digital footprint across platforms ranging from Forever 21 Plus, Vaseline, and R29 Unbothered discussing all things healing and body positivity. As a journalist, her writing can be found on sites such as Blavity, Blacklove.com, and xoNecole. Jameelah is also known for her work shattering unconventional stigmas surrounding wellness through her various mediums, including her company Transparent Black Girl. Find Yasmine @YasmineJameelah across all platforms.
'We Had To Heal To Love': Taja Simpson And Ryan Easter’s Journey To Lasting Love
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
One of my favorite things about interviewing married couples and hearing their diverse “How We Met” stories is the way they affirm true love and integral beliefs. One principle that I wholeheartedly believe is that one must truly know and love oneself before effectively doing it for another human being, and Taja Simpson and Ryan Easter’s story affirms this.
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
When you’re both a marriage life coach and a doula (like I am), it’s not uncommon for people to want to talk to you about birth control. And indeed, it is a bit of a tricky topic when you’re married because, although it should pretty much be a given that condoms should be used when you’re single, who wants to have, what I call, “college sex” (which is sex with a condom because sex in college tends to need it…A LOT — LOL) when you’re in a long-term, committed and monogamous relationship (for the record, I do know some couples who do it and the husbands hate it)?
Still, when you’re not ready to have a baby, it can be…let’s go with the word “trying” to land on a birth control method that is reliable, healthy, and doesn’t have a ton of side effects.
One option that has been around since, shoot, forever (although technically, it became defined in the early 1930s) is the rhythm method. And although I’m not sure if any other form of birth control creates a more polarizing response than it does because it has been around for as long as it has, I do think it’s worth discussing what it is, along with its benefits and challenges, just so you can make a truly educated decision regarding if it’s the best route for you and your partner to take in this particular season of your family planning journey.
Are you ready to look past the myths about the rhythm method and get into some actual facts?
What Is the Rhythm Method?
GiphyAnother term for the rhythm method is natural family planning; that makes a lot of sense when you take in the fact that the rhythm method is a completely chemical-free approach to avoiding pregnancy. What I mean by that is, instead of relying on things like hormone-filled birth control to manipulate your menstrual cycle, the rhythm method is all about keeping up with the natural (pardon the pun) flow or rhythm of your period, including your ovulation time, in order to avoid conceiving — until/unless you are ready.
How Effective Is the Rhythm Method?
GiphyOkay, so before diving even deeper into why you may (or may not) want to consider using the rhythm method as your own personal birth control option, let’s discuss how effective it actually is. For the most part, depending on what source you reference, most medical-related data is going to say that the rhythm method has a success rate of somewhere around 75 percent or a failure rate of between 8-25 percent.
How does that line up with other types of birth control? Well, condoms, when used correctly and consistently, have a success rate of about 98 percent, while the pill, when taken daily and around the same time, has a 99 percent success rate (which is why many people end up getting the side-eye when they are pregnant while claiming that it happened while using birth control).
Some other pretty reliable forms of birth control include IUDs, patches, “the shot,” vaginal rings, and diaphragms although, since some of them also contain hormones and hormones tend to come with side effects (like spotting, nausea, headaches, mood swings, a drop in your libido and weight gain), when a woman doesn’t want to go the permanent route (like cutting or burning her fallopian tubes), that is what ends up making the rhythm method so appealing.
And just what are some of the other proven benefits of the rhythm method?
What Are the Pros of the Rhythm Method?
GiphyWhen it comes to some of the reasons why the rhythm method is actually a good look:
- It’s cost-effective
- No hormone treatments are involved
- Birth control-related side effects are not an issue
- It’s a great way to learn about your body via your menstrual cycle
- There’s no “downtime” when it comes to getting your system off of hormones from birth control
Yeah, definitely, if you’re someone who doesn’t want to take anything that will alter your body’s hormones and/or you don’t want to wait for the hormones to leave your system in order to get pregnant at some point, the rhythm method is worth considering.
That’s not to say that it doesn’t come with its own set of challenges, though.
What Are the Cons of the Rhythm Method?
GiphyAs with most things in life, just like there are benefits that come with going with the rhythm method, there are some potential setbacks, too:
- Again, its effectiveness isn’t as high as other birth control methods
- Spontaneous sex can be a bit of a challenge
- If your cycle is not consistent, the rhythm method can be somewhat unpredictable
- There may be a learning curve (and you could get pregnant in it)
- For obvious reasons, most of the work/effort falls on the woman
When it comes to some of my (doula) clients, the two things that I hear the most as to why they can find the rhythm method to be a bit, let’s go with “taxing,” is because 1) there is a lot of planning that is involved and 2) when you don’t have everything down to a science, you usually have to end up using a condom anyway. And that brings me to something else that you strongly need to factor in when it comes to using the rhythm method: tracking your ovulation.
The Main Hack to Rhythm Method: Tracking Your Ovulation
GiphyAlthough reportedly two-thirds of women use some form of birth control, the rhythm method is very low on the list of options. Personally, I think it’s because so much prepping and planning are involved if you want to avoid pregnancy at all costs. I mean, not only do you need to track when you’re ovulating, but you’ve got to remember that sperm can live inside of you for up to five days, which means that not only is your actual ovulation day the time when you can get pregnant, so are a few days before and around 24 hours after.
This alone can get a bit dicey if your period isn’t regulated, and if that is indeed the case, you have to be even more hypervigilant about taking an ovulation test (on a monthly basis), checking your basal body temperature (which needs to be done every morning; if it’s slightly elevated, there’s a good chance that you are ovulating) as well as your cervical fluid (it tends to have the consistency of egg whites during ovulation).
If you want to get pregnant, all of this helps you to know when to have sex. Oh, but there’s another side to this coin: If you don’t want to conceive, this is the time when either you have to go without copulation (or engage in say, oral sex) or use another birth control method — and who wants to basically be abstinent for a week or have “college sex” for that long? Every…single…month? Yep — like I said, the rhythm method is a lot of work; it’s basically like a real live at-home science project that you conduct on a monthly basis.
Oh, and if you’re someone who is thinking, “No problem. We’ll just pull out during that time” — well, just keep in mind that the pull-out method is somewhere around 80 percent effective, which comes down to somewhere around one in every five people getting pregnant from using/doing it. Plus, I don’t know why so many people want to ignore the fact that pre-ejaculate/pre-cum contains sperm, and guys don’t always know when that is going to spill out, so pulling out before climaxing may not be a surefire bet that you still won’t end up with a plus sign on a pregnancy test at some point. #justsaying
____
So, what am I saying — that when it comes up to the thumbs up/thumb down game, the rhythm method gets the thumbs down in my book? Nah, that’s not my overall point. What I will say is that this form of birth control requires a ton of personal accountability, that sacrifices will have to be made, and there isn’t a lot of room for error. Oh, and since again, it’s a form of birth control, and if you do happen to get pregnant before you’re ready, whatever decision you make is going to alter your life for the rest of your life…just make sure that you approach this option while being sober-minded and with a partner who will take it as seriously as you do.
And one more thing: also remember that it’s a lot of work for something that has around a 75 percent chance of working in your favor (if you don’t want to get pregnant). Now, if you’re all for taking those odds, have at it. Otherwise, set up an appointment with your doctor ASAP. Technology is ever-changing. They might be able to find something that is more suitable to your expectations, your schedule…and your sex life. Something that is less work, may have fewer side effects (than other popular methods of birth control), and is even more reliable. #againjustsaying
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Mindful Media/Getty Images