I'm pretty sure that some of y'all are already hip to the woman who is known as nappyheadedjojoba. Me personally, I just started watching her videos a few months ago. She's quirky. She's super eloquent. Her humor is dry yet mad entertaining. In short, I dig her. So, when it came time to sit down and pen this particular piece, I smiled to myself because I already knew that she would serve as the ideal spokesperson, all thanks to a video that she posted last December entitled, "I Don't Want Kids. No, I'm Not Going to 'Change My Mind.'" She breaks her reasons down in seven minutes and one second, so it's worth your time to check it out in its entirety. But for those who simply want the gist, I transcribed some of her main points below:
"Simply because I'm still within my 'childbearing years', whenever I express that I'm not interested in having children, the response is typically like, 'Hmm, you'll probably change your mind' or "Hmm. Are you sure?' And, quite frankly, that response, in my opinion, is extremely dismissive and disrespectful. I'm not 15 years old, I'm not 20 years old; I think I would know by now if I were going to change my mind."
"Equally invasive is the fact that people constantly want to ask 'Why?' when I express that I don't want to have children. And, quite frankly, it isn't anyone's business. I don't owe anyone any explanation as to why I don't want kids. Nonetheless, the answer is pretty simple—I don't want kids because, I don't like them. I simply don't have that maternal urge to reproduce."
"As far as marriage goes, that also is not an aspirational thing for me; never has been. I never fantasized about some huge wedding, a giant white dress, even when I was a little girl…My aspirations in life have always been professional, aside from wanting a house with a yard so I can have a lot of dogs. And, it doesn't make me any less of a woman or any less feminine simply because my top priority isn't 'finding a husband' or starting a family."
Yeah, this part bears repeating: "It doesn't make me any less of a woman or any less feminine simply because my top priority isn't 'finding a husband' or starting a family."
Even as someone who counsels married couples, is a huge fan of that particular relationship dynamic and does want to get married someday, what she said still resonated all throughout my bones. As far as kids go, I made some decisions in my past that I regret; I regret, but I am at total peace about (trust me, my clock is screaming at this point but these days, let it). As far as a husband goes, if the right man comes along, I am all about a small wedding, a long honeymoon and foregoing a diamond ring for a new car or something (just sayin'). So yeah, clearly this means that nappyheadedjojoba and I are not exactly on the same page. But what I can celebrate is how intentional she is when it comes to how she feels about becoming a wife and/or a mom, along with how responsible she's being as it relates to her future, in general. To me, "planned parenting" isn't just about putting on a condom or popping a pill (y'all, I just read something a little crazy about the pill, by the way; you can check it out here).
It's about knowing what you want or don't want and then living your life according to those principles, preferences and personal standards.
If you listen to the video in its entirety, you'll peep that, aside from not wanting to be a mommy, nappyheadedjojoba doesn't really have marriage on her menu either. That doesn't mean she's not open to dating, however. And yeah, I totally get that too. Just because you may not desire to be someone's life partner (or to make that kind of relationship official by signing on the dotted line of a marriage contract), that doesn't mean you don't want—or shouldn't have—companionship.
So, if after reading all of this, you are trying to not exclaim "YES! FINALLY!" while you're at your desk or you're walking in the grocery store, I just wanted to say, "I support you in wanting what you want". I also wanted to share a few quick tips on how to make this point of personal resolve a lot less of a taxing issue for those who might be more like "Huh?" than "OK" about you being all about dating but totally turned off to marriage.
No, You Are Not a Walking Contradiction
A guy by the name of Jefferson Bethke once said, "Dating with no intent to marry is like going to the grocery store with no money. You either leave unhappy or take something that isn't yours." I'm pretty sure some of y'all have heard of Tony Gaskins. He once said, "If marriage isn't the goal, why are you dating? That's like working a job and saying you don't want benefits or a retirement plan." I get where both of these men are coming from; they are speaking about dating with the intention to marry. But there is a couple that I had a brief chat with a few weeks ago who are both widows (around in their 50s). They've been dating for a few years now. When I asked them if marriage was the goal, both of them looked at me like I cussed them out. "Absolutely not," the woman said laughing. "We love each other, but we've 'been there, done that'. We just like each other's company."
Because I personally think that a lot of people confuse dating and courting (dating is about getting to know someone; courtship is what happens when the intention is to head towards marriage), they tend to be like, "If you don't want to get married, what's the point of dating?" But dang. Folks can't check out a movie, enjoy dinner or mutually decide to hang out without wanting to jump a broom?
Humans are made for companionship. Not everyone wants it to remain strictly on a platonic level. That doesn't mean they want to become spouses, though. If you like to date because you enjoy meeting new people and making connections, there is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with you.
But because it can be perceived by some as leaning on the side of being counter-cultural, let's move on to the next point.
Be As Upfront As Possible, Right Out of the Gate
A writer by the name of Donna Lynn Hope once said, "I don't make people comfortable; that's what couches are for." I like what she said because a lot of people are totally uncomfortable with someone's truth and boundaries. But you know what? If someone in your world is trying to impose how they choose to live their life on you, that says more about them than anything. So, don't be hesitant, apologetic or yes, uncomfortable about not wanting to get married. You not wanting to is a complete thought. Any more of an explanation that you provide is privileged information. And I'm telling you, life is teaching me more and more that when folks don't accept your initial statement on something, they are already showing signs of disrespecting your boundaries, whether they realize it or not.
That said, as far as your family members and friends go, if they are constantly bringing up marriage to you, be direct—"Y'all, I do not want to get married." When they start to look at you like you are crazy or like you are a stray puppy in need of a home, follow that up with, "It's by choice, not by circumstance." When the "but, but, buts" follow, it's OK to say, "You have your life and I have mine. This is how I choose to live mine." Then kindly direct them to "10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'". Hmph. Although there's no time to get into all of this today, I will say that some people can't fathom folks who choose to never marry because it was never modeled to them how dope that way of life can also be. Oh, and if any of these people are church-goin' ones, kindly remind them that two of the most influential people in the Bible were single—Christ and Paul. BAM!
As far as the dating world goes, something else that nappyheadedjojoba mentions is how, when she's dating online and sees that a man is looking for a future mother for his future children, she is quick to "swipe left". Good for her. You should do the same thing. And if you do make a connection with someone and it gets to first-date-status, feel free to bring up that marriage isn't something that you desire. And, as far as you can see, it's not up for negotiation. No sense in you and "him" getting all attached, only to realize that you both want totally different things.
Oh, and simply because I feel led to say this—make sure these guys out here don't assume that just because you don't want to be their wife that you want to be some casual play toy. There are a lot of possibilities in between "Nice to meet you" and "Will you marry me?" Standards don't only apply to women who are looking for a husband.
Some men think otherwise. If you feel like a guy that you just started seeing is one of them, school them as soon as possible.
Know What It Is That You Do Want. And Pursue That.
There are a few people I know who don't want to get married but do like to date. Something that a couple of them admit that they need to work on is figuring out exactly what it is that they do want from their potentially-more-than-platonic relationships. You don't want to be a wife, but what do you desire? A casual dating companion? A boyfriend? Something somewhere in between that? Something a little more than both?
It's going to be hard for you to find someone who complements your lifestyle if you're not sure what kind of non-marital situation you prefer to be in. The sooner you know, the easier it will be to articulate that to your prospects.
And girl, don't worry—whatever it is, there are more than two handfuls of men (probably per county) who will have no problem with it. Because I'm sure that it is no newsflash that a lot of men don't want to get married either.
Dating with no desire for marriage, really only becomes problematic when the two people who are seeing each other desire something totally different. But again, even though I adore the concept and purpose of marriage, I don't think that individuals who don't want it should be "punished" by not being able to have more than just their homies to go out and spend time with. As long as two people are on the same page, it can still be a beautiful story.
To me, "cheers" to you for knowing what kind of relationship you want—and don't want; a lot of people can't say they are as clear as you are. And, don't feel you the least bit guilty for wanting something that doesn't result in walking down an aisle.
The way I see it, it's better to date without marriage in mind than to do something you don't want to do and end up in divorce court someday. Again, I counsel couples. Several people I work with realized on the backend that the reason why their marriage blew up is because they were better built for the single life. A lot of pain could've been spared if they knew about themselves what you already know—that marriage isn't for everyone, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Refuse to let anyone "single shame" you for not wanting what they expect of you (humans can be a real trip, can't they?). Be direct about your position. Shoot them the hyperlink to nappyheadedjojoba's video. And continue to go on about your life. Some people don't get the concept of "dating not to marry" because they've never seen it done and/or done well before. How about you be the one to show them?
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RELATED
Taja, an actress known most for her role on BET’s The Oval, and businessman/model Ryan Easter tied the knot on July 27 in an intimate and beautiful wedding in LA - surrounded by friends and family. During our 40+ minute conversation, the newlyweds opened up about the inner work journey they both went through individually to become their best selves.
Taja revealed that her grateful and light spirit came after being in a depressive state and doing a great deal of healing and education. And Ryan shared how losing a parent as a youth affected how he showed up in the world and the truths he had to face to embrace who he is wholly.
The pair also chatted about the power of intention, the importance of working through trauma, and the work they do every day to honor their partnership. There’s a reason their glow is so beautiful! It comes from the inside.
“You're meeting me now after I've done all this work, but I had to go through it to get to that space and be in a very happy, healed relationship,” Taja says. Check out the layered conversation below.
xoNecole: I’ll start with the most obvious question: how did you two meet, and what were your initial feelings about each other?
Ryan Easter: We connected through friends. At the time, I was in New York, and she was back and forth between LA and Atlanta. But our mutual female friends were together and decided they needed to set me up. So they confirmed I was looking for something serious and then sent me her picture.
And I was like, "Okay, she looks good - a chocolate drop." But then I thought, "What's wrong with her? So, I called them up, and one of them was messing with me and said, "Oh, she's a little crazy." I was like, "Whoa, I can't do crazy anymore. I've dealt with that before. I’d rather stay by myself than deal with that again." Then she clarified, "No, I'm just kidding. She's crazy in a good way. She's a lot of fun and has her stuff together. That’s how it started for me.
Taja Simpson: I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it.
Later, I thought about it and figured it could just not be a good picture. So she sent his Instagram which had all these modeling fitness pictures and stuff. And then I was like, wow - you had my whole husband this time and didn’t tell me - now I told her she could give him my number.
"I was just going about my life, getting ready for another season of The Oval, when I got a text from my friend Natasha. She said, "Hey, I don't think you're dating anybody, but I have a friend I think you should meet. He's a great guy." She gave me this huge pedigree, saying they had been friends for 19 years. I thought, "Wow, he sounds amazing." But when she sent me a photo, I didn’t like it."
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: I love that because, you know, there's all these conversations about the ways people meet, and I still feel like friends and family are one of the best ways. It’s like they know you! What are your thoughts?
Ryan: Yeah, absolutely! You feel a great sense of obligation to be the best version of yourself because you’re not just representing yourself; you’re also representing the person who referred you. I can’t go out there acting like a fool and have them looking at their friend like, "Why did you hook me up with this clown?" It’s like, we're gonna be clear and honest about our intentions. And if it works, great, and if it doesn't, it's okay.
Taja: Exactly. When he called, we spoke that day for like, an hour. The rest was history. We just connected, and it was great. After that, we started talking every day, and now here we are.
xoN: Okay, so tell me about your first date! Do you remember where you went? What did you do? How was the vibe?
Taja: Our first in-person date was two months after we met over the phone. This was during COVID, so we got introduced in July 2020 but didn’t meet until September. From July to September, we were doing video dates and phone calls, building up this excitement about meeting in person. I was really nervous. I thought, "Oh my God, is it going to be like it was over the phone?" We really connected and vibed. I was there to pick him up at LAX, and I felt like this was it. I thought, "God put this brother in my life to be this good, this perfect." It felt too good to be true.
I actually had a friend meet us at the airport to film our meeting without him knowing. I told her to stay in the corner and keep the camera hidden. When he was coming down the escalator, I had this whole plan to run up to him in slow motion and jump into his arms. When I saw him, I froze. I was so nervous that I couldn’t move! He came up to me, gave me a big hug, and swung me around, and I just thought, "Wow!" Everything I planned went out the window.
Ryan: I was really excited to meet her, too. Technically, our first date was at Firestone Brewery. After the airport, we went back to her place to drop off my stuff, and then she said, "I like to drink beer," so she took me to a brewery nearby.
I remember being there, and we were kind of embracing, but not too much since it was technically the first time we were in physical proximity. You still have to play it cool, even after talking for a while. But every time I touched her, it felt good. I thought, "Yeah, this is it." When we hugged at the airport, I felt like, "Yo, this is home." At that moment, I knew she was the one.
xoN: Ugh, I love that. So when did the courtship start to develop into a relationship? Did y'all have that conversation?
Ryan: Initially, we were very clear about our intentions. We were both dating with purpose and had similar aspirations of eventually finding someone to marry, start a family, create businesses together, and live our lives to the fullest. We knew from the beginning that this was our goal and checked in with each other to see if we were on the same page.
After establishing our intentions, it was about having those small conversations. We discussed what was important to each of us—our needs, wants, likes, dislikes, triggers, and traumas. All those details are crucial for building a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. We spent a lot of time getting to know the real person, not just the representative we might present to the world.
Sometimes, it’s difficult because it requires us to be extremely vulnerable. For men, especially in our society, vulnerability is often frowned upon, making it hard to expose that sensitive side. You never know how people will react—some might use it against you, while others might protect you.
I think for her; it took her understanding that mentality that men have and use that to her advantage to make sure she's like, look, this is a safe space for you to allow me to see the full person that you are. I appreciated that because, like, I would tell her, if you really want a man to value you, he has to feel safe with you, right, not necessarily in a physical capacity but more so from an emotional standpoint; I need to feel like I can be safe with you emotionally.
So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow.
"So that courtship was a lot of just having those serious, sometimes difficult conversations about things we're going through in the past to things we aspire to accomplish in the future, to things that we're currently dealing with, and started to gain that understanding about who we are and what we aspire to be, and just continue to flow."
Taja: I mean, that's exactly right, and a lot of it we spoke about even before we met. Because it was this free thing where we didn’t know each other. We didn't have to be a representative. I was just my authentic self. It’s like - I'm an actor, and I got five or six characters that may come out in our conversation. I'll be funny, then the next moment, I'll be serious. It just happens.
I was very vocal about how I foresee my life going. Also, because I'm in entertainment, that played a part. I had met people before who couldn't handle that. They wanted a woman with a nine-to-five, a teacher, or just somebody with a very strict schedule. But that wasn't me. So I think we were super intentional when it came to dating and making sure we can build and grow together. So, we made that commitment prior to him leaving. He came to LA for a week, and the day before he left, it was like, okay, so this is it.
xoN: I’ve noticed that intention and vulnerability are both powerful words that you two keep using, which I think is essential for any long-term relationship. What are some of your other shared values?
Ryan: Also, we both understood the power of mindset. When you see successful or unsuccessful people, sometimes others will attribute their state to their family or money. And I'm not saying that that doesn't help. But there are a lot of people who have come from very humble beginnings and very troubled past that have gone on to do great things, and it all had to do with their mindset. They had to leave and see themselves doing what they desired to do before it became a reality in the physical realm.
I think a lot of those beliefs and mentalities that we shared was refreshing because, you know, we've all known people that every time you talk to them, something bad is going on. And it's such a drag because they can bring your energy down. We don't subscribe to that. Not saying that we don't go through tough times. But when we do, the question that we always ask ourselves is, what is it that I'm supposed to learn from this? I think those type of elements of just being in alignment mentally about how we view the world definitely help to solidify our relationship and our connection.
Taja: When we met, I was in a headspace of growth. We now call it believe, evolve, become because you have to believe that thing right in order to show up. We both understand that your vibration precedes your manifestation, so you have to vibrate and believe at a certain level. Act as if you have to be in that space, that energy, in order for that thing to come so you can evolve and then become whatever that said thing is. But I was in that headspace before we met, and I was clearing out people in my life.
I was really intentional with finding someone that was in that headspace, too. I was not okay with anyone being stagnant.
Taja Simpson & Ryan Easter
Photo by @jorgemezaphotos
xoN: You two seem so evolved individually and collectively. I'm curious, were there any challenges that you two had to get through together, and what did you learn from that experience?
Ryan: Being parents. And if your partner doesn't have a great pregnancy, then it can be tough, and it stretches you in a lot of ways. But I would definitely say the first five months of being new parents was a lot because we were both exhausted. And she's also trying to heal her body because giving birth puts a tremendous amount of stress on the woman's body. It gives you a different respect for the strength of femininity because I wouldn't want to go through that. And I was there the whole 29 hours.
So during that time I'm getting snappy because I need to rest. I have not been able to rest, and I'm sleep-deprived, and I don't feel like I got my foot in yet. And, and then, on top of that, you have this, this really small human that's completely dependent upon you. They can't do anything for himself, and that, even psychologically, that's a lot to carry. But the thing that I think that has helped us is that we understand that we won't always be on the same page. It's okay to have disagreements, but you always have to lead with love, meaning that if I'm upset with her or she's upset with me, we focus on what the issue is.
Taja: I had a horrible pregnancy and was still feeling like I want to be productive; it’s just part of who I am. And during the newborn phase, like he said, we were exhausted. We were zombies. I'm getting whiny. I need sleep. He's getting snappy and short, and we're having to figure out us. The hardest thing is trying to still learn how to effectively communicate in the midst of this space where you are exhausted; you don't feel good, nothing's going your way.
But I'm a big believer of being accountable, especially for women, because women are not always accountable. But we encourage each other to address the trauma and encourage positive self-thought and talk. Because what you think, speak, and do creates power for better and worse.
xoN: Were there any past traumas you had to heal from in order to love each other correctly, and do you feel comfortable discussing them?
Ryan: For me, the biggest thing was my father’s death at nine. You’re young, and you don’t know how to process the loss. It’s one of those things I thought I dealt with, but when I got into my adult years, I realized it didn’t. I always felt like I had to go above and beyond because I didn’t have my father there to be a man - I excelled in sports and academics, but it was based on an inadequate feeling.
I understand the importance of fathers in children’s life but you still have the power to be the best version of yourself whether your father is there or not. And I believe the almighty Creator will put people in your life to be the best version of yourself. I wanted to be that confident person for her and our children - and I didn’t want to carry that trauma into our relationship or our son. So I worked on it before us and I continue to now.
Taja: Mine was colorism. I grew up where the brown paper bag thing was a thing. There were kids I couldn’t play with because “I was too Black.” I had a family member who called me “Ew.” Like she’d literally say, come here, Ew, you ugly thing. And my family, for a long time, didn’t realize how it was breaking me. But eventually, my mom noticed and taught me more about self-esteem and then I started to do the work. But it still shows its head. I still would have thoughts that I’m not good enough because of how I look. I’ve literally not tried out for roles because of that. One of my friends’ friends has literally called out once that I was the only dark person at an event.
So when I started doing the work, I noticed the ways it showed up, like I just wouldn’t want to be in the sun long. I mean when I was younger, I used to pray to God to make me “better” or lighter. It took a long time to really get over that. There’s a book I wrote called Women Who Shine - where I got my thoughts out about this.
So he knows my sensitive spots and speaks to the little girl in me. It's so interesting how the things we go through when we’re young affect us in adulthood. Mental health is as important as physical health - and I’m grateful that he understands the importance of both of those.
xoN: Thank you for your vulnerability. I hope it helps someone else. Finally, I’ll close with this: what’s your favorite thing about each other?
Ryan: Definitely her mindset. She doesn’t have a victim mindset; she’s empowered. That’s so attractive. I believe that she prides herself on being a good, great communicator. She moves with integrity, you know, I think that's important. And you know, she also understands the importance of taking care of her physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing.
Taja: There’s so many. Where do I start? My husband is supremely supportive. I absolutely love that about him. Also, I love his intention. I love how effectively he communicates. I love how he fathers our child. I love how he looks. Because, praise God. Okay, I'm just gonna put that out there.
But you know what, my favorite thing about him is that I love that he's a man of integrity.
Integrity was the highest things on my list when I’d write out what I wanted in a partner. Because it’s everything. And so I love that I feel the level of safety that I feel with him, that I can completely be my 100% authentic self. I know that he's taking care of me, my heart, and our family. We're good.
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Feature image by @jorgemezaphotos
With Thanksgiving vastly approaching and Christmas a little under a month away, there is still time to ditch the traditional Christmas home to visit family or friends. Whether you’re looking to put a new stamp on your passport and keep things domestic with a destination in the States, xoNecole has you covered with a few hotspots for those itching to go somewhere cold (but with cozy vibes) this holiday season.
Aspen, Colorado
Our Christmas queen, Mariah Carey, has been taking an annual trip to this snowy destination since 1997, just three years after dropping the track that would make her the unofficial (but official to us) ambassador of the winter holiday.
Aside from being a key vacation spot for one of the culture’s greatest musicians, Aspen also offers travelers access to world-class skiing and snowboarding and four distinct mountains that provide the perfect backdrop for a winter vacation.
Whistler, British Columbia, Canada
Alex Ratson/ Getty Images
Home to the largest ski resort in North America, Whistler Blackcomb, this destination is located in the Coast Mountain Range and is about 75 miles north of Vancouver.
From luxury spas like Scandinave Spa Whistler to Olympic Park, this is another top winter vacation spot that offers a unique experience for people who love snow and the thrill of a good adventure.
Western Massachusetts
Dubbed the place for a magical holiday escape, Springfield, Massachusetts, blends the warmth of small-town charm with unforgettable experiences like Grinchmas at Springfield Museums, Winterlights at Naumkeag in Stockbridge, Historic Deerfield’s Winter Frolic, and many others.
This destination offers something for all ages, and it’s close to home, making it all the more reason to place on your radar for a winter getaway.
Rovaniemi, Finland
Elena Liseykina/ Getty Images
If you want to really get into the Christmas spirit, this just may be the place for you. As the official home to Saint Nick himself, Rovaniemi, Finland offers reindeer sleigh rides, the opportunity to stay in a glass igloo, as well as an opportunity to experience the Santa Claus Village.
Lake Tahoe, California/Nevada
Who says that visits to the lake house are only reserved for summer vacation? A winter trip to Lake Tahoe is equipped with stunning lake views and top-notch ski resorts, including Heavenly and Northstar.
Chamonix, France
Walter Bibikow/ Getty Images
Sitting at the base of Mont Blanc, Chamonix, France, is known for its skiing and mountaineering. This destination is home to the Aiguille du Midi cable car, the charming Alpine village, and is also close to various other European ski destinations.
Northeastern Pennsylvania
This area of the U.S. state is home to the Poconos Mountains, whose renowned ski resorts include Camelback Mountain, Blue Mountain, and Jack Frost Big Boulder. Whether you’re a ski expert, a beginner, or just there for the vibes, this destination makes for a winter vacation that balances fun adventures and cozy getaways. Additionally, Pennsylvania is home to the Christmas Tree Capital of the world.
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Feature image by Sergio Mena / Getty Images