As someone who is a minimalist in the cosmetics department, I must admit that I did smile when I read articles (like this one here) that said, even when it comes to make-up trends, the “less is more” approach was going to be super popular all year long.
And so, with that being the case, that got me to thinking that whether you’re someone who goes the au naturel route as much as possible or you are a self-professed artist extraordinaire when it comes to how you adorn your face, now is a really good time to offer up some solid tips on how to make sure that your skin is healthy, glowing and beaming.
Because no matter what, skin that is as flawless as possible, is the foundation for all of us to put our best face forward. Wouldn’t you agree?
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1. Rosemary Oil
When it comes to beauty uses, rosemary oil probably has the best reputation when it comes to stimulating hair growth. Still, don’t sleep on it as it relates to your skin because it contains properties that help to deeply hydrate it, bring elasticity to it, reduce inflammation and, if acne is something that you deal with, rosemary’s antibacterial benefits can help to keep pimples at bay as well. Plus, if you’re like me and you like for your skin to have a natural “dewy” look, a drop or two (or three) of rosemary on your skin will provide that effect for hours on end.
2. Hyaluronic Acid
Hyaluronic acid is definitely my ish. So much, in fact, that I once penned, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday” for the platform. Yeah, if you want your skin to be on-point on a consistent basis, this acid can help to get you there thanks to its ability to hydrate, improve elasticity, provide anti-aging effects, soften the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, and even bring healing to symptoms related to eczema.
Also, if you’ve got dry skin that you can’t seem to get rid of, because hyaluronic acid is 1000 times the weight of water, you can trust it to moisturize your skin for longer periods of time than many commercialized moisturizers that are on the market. Dope.
3. Rose Petal Toner
If you want to keep your skin’s pH levels in balance, reduce the appearance of your pores, increase your skin’s hydration, and deep clean your skin after washing it, skin toner can make that happen. That said, if you want your toner to be as natural as possible, why not make some out of rose petals? For many years, rose water has been praised for its ability to reduce inflammation, slow down the signs of aging, tone your skin, and decrease the effects of oxidative stress. For tips on how to make rose water out of rose petals, go here. Some toner recipes with rose water in them? Here, here, and here.
4. Infused Ice
Looking for something that will reduce the inflammation of pimples or will shrink the appearance of pores? Look no further than some regular ole’ ice. Definitely if you’ve had a rough (or great, if you know what I mean) night and your eyes have bags to show it, a cold compress on them for about 20 minutes will brighten things right on up. And, if you want to get some nutrients into your skin in the process, freeze the water with some lemon (the vitamin C in it willstimulate collagen production), Aloe vera gel (it willmoisturize oily skin without encouraging breakouts), or fresh sage (it willfight off free radicals and the signs of aging). Your skin will certainly thank you if you do.
5. Vegetable Glycerin
If you’ve ever tasted vegetable glycerin before and you wonder why it’s sweet, that’s because it is a type of sugar alcohol that is made by warming up plant-based oils like soy, palm, and coconut. Since it works as a humectant, vegetable glycerin works as a powerful skin moisturizer. If you’ve got eczema or psoriasis, it can help to soothe the irritated skin that is oftentimes associated with it. Another cool thing about this particular product is it is able to make the texture of your skin feel baby soft smooth too.
6. Turmeric Oil
Something else that I am super fond of is turmeric oil. The curcumin that’s in turmeric has antioxidant and anti-inflammatory properties that are literally able to give your skin a rich and healthy glow. If you’ve got acne or discoloration on your face due to the marks that acne leaves behind, turmeric can assist with those as well. Two other bonuses that come with turmeric are it can reduce blotchiness and oxidative stress. So, if you’ve never given turmeric oil a shot, perhaps this has convinced you.
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7. Mandelic Acid
My latest “Where have you been all of my life?” skincare addition is mandelic acid. Listen, if you’re looking for an acid that — is a gentle exfoliant; can turn over fresh skin cells in record time; will have your skin feeling baby-soft smooth; will soften the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles; helps to unclog pores, and is on-10 when it comes to treating hyperpigmentation (especially the kind that acne leaves behind)? Whew, chile! Again, I wish that I had known about this sooner.
For the record, what I am speaking of is the acid that’s in serum form. What I personally use is The Ordinary’s Mandelic Acid 10% + HA. It’s affordable. It’s gentle on my skin. It’s also not as…intense as a mandelic acid chemical peel. In fact, if you want to go the chemical peel route, my two cents would be to speak with a dermatologist or esthetician; those can be pretty potent. The serum kind, though? I’d do a commercial for The Ordinary if I could (I like a lot of their stuff, actually…).
Oh, and if you really want to brighten your skin up, vitamin C extract in the day (it can brighten up dark spots on your skin) and marula oil at night can certainly get you there in fairly record time (about four weeks).
8. Ginger Tea
Wanna spritz your skin with something that’s all-natural? Try a little bit of ginger tea. The properties in ginger are great for it because it helps to boost your skin’s collagen levels; works to improve the texture of your skin (when used regularly); has antioxidants that can help to clear up acne; brightens your skin tone, and they can fade minor scarring of your skin. To make your own spritz, steep fresh ginger or a couple of ginger tea bags for 20-30 minutes. Allow the tea to cool completely, pour into a small spray bottle and refrigerate. Use to freshen your skin whenever the mood hits.
9. Marula Oil
If you’re in the mid-to-latter stages of perimenopause, treat your skin to the info that is featured in “So, What Does Menopausal Skincare Consist Of Exactly?” One of the things that I shared is the fact that if your skin is drier than usual (due to all of the hormonal shifts), marula oil is the perfect oil for “sealing your skin” with the moisture that it needs after showering or bathing. Marula oil is also bomb because it contains anti-aging properties, helps to protect your skin from UV damage, and can reduce the bacteria that cause breakouts too.
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10. DIY Tea and Essential Oil Steam
If you can’t remember the last time that you’ve steamed your face, you are well past due. Not only does the face steaming process deep-clean your pores and increase blood circulation to your face, it also helps to hydrate your skin and, if you add some herbal tea or essential oil into the mix, it can soothe your skin as well. If you need some help figuring out which loose leaf or tea bags to put into your steam water, check out “I've Got 10 Teas That Will Help You To Age (Even More) Gracefully” and “10 Different Ways Herbal Teas Can Fit Into Your Beauty Regimen.”
As far as essential oils go, lavender can help to calm your skin, geranium can help to minimize the appearance of your pores and sandalwood can give you a natural healthy glow. For tips on how to properly and safely steam your face at home, go here.
11. DIY Serum
If you’ve ever wondered what a serum actually is, it’s a product that is most effective if you apply it right after washing your skin and right before moisturizing it. The purpose of a serum is to provide a lightweight yet super potent kind of liquid to your skin that is filled with ingredients that can help to heal a variety of skin-related issues such as dryness, acne, and aging. Although there are an endless amount of commercialized serums on the market (like these here, here, and here), you can also make your own.
One of my favorite recipes comes from the website The Sweetest Digs and it consists of jojoba oil, rosehip oil, vitamin E, and a variety of essential oils. You can read more about how to make it along with how it can do wonders for your skin here.
12. DIY Bronzer
Although it’s rare that I am going to wear anything more than mascara and lipstick (literally), when I want my skin to look hella radiant, I have absolutely no problem brushing on some bronzer. In my opinion, nothing can give you a quicker sun-kissed glow than it. The key is to go with a shade that is a couple of shades darker than your natural skin tone and to evenly apply it on your bare skin or on top of your foundation.
Yes, there are bronzers that you can buy; however, if you’d prefer to customize your own, it’s easier to make than you might think. If you’ve got some cinnamon, nutmeg, and cocoa powder and a little bit of time, you’re halfway there. For a recipe that is easy to follow, go here.
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Bonus: Kojic Acid Soap
Long story short on this one kojic acid is an acid that is made from fermented rice wine. The science of it all is when applied, it helps to prevent the enzyme tyrosinase from forming. Why is that relevant? Well, tyrosinase is actually what helps to control melanin production and while we all know that melanin is all good, when it is overproduced to the point where it creates hyperpigmentation (like when your skin is trying to heal from the inflammation of a pimple), that’s when it can become problematic.
And although, the acid itself, some people have used it to lighten their skin, in the form of soap, it’s simply good at fading dark spots over time. In fact, some skin experts actually say that it’s really effective at evening out the skin tone of darker hues (a Black YouTuber who goes by GRAYCYLYN sings its praises here). I’ve used it and I have not one regret, so as we close this out, if you want to “wash some radiance” onto your face, here’s a viable option. Enjoy!
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I’ve never been married before (which is how I personally define single), so did that trigger me? Eh. Trigger isn’t the right word (check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships”); more like, it reminded me of how tired I am of, again, shallow and gross generalizations. You see, I’ve been a marriage life coach, successfully so, for over 20 years now and I’m even super proud to say that I’ve been able to help to reconcile a few divorces along the way — something that I don’t personally know any therapist, counselor or life coach, married or not, to have done. You see, when you have a purpose, are committed to it, and take evolving in it seriously, “status” and people’s opinions don’t hinder it.
Hmph, if anything, let me tell it, folks should applaud singles who respect marriage enough to not want to just…do it…just to be doing it. Besides, as I oftentimes say, with the divorce rate what it is (still holding at around 50 percent, by the way), seems like even married people (and a lot of divorced folks) are out here “crap shooting” when it comes to providing insights on how to make a marriage work and last — in a healthy way (which is key) too.
And just what does all of this possibly have to do with today’s topic? Well, because life is full of cynical people (chile, I am well aware), if anything has the potential to rub some folks the wrong way it would be what we’re about to touch on — at least, on the onset. Because what’s a very popular saying out in these internet streets: “Relationships, especially marriage, are hard work,” right? And here I come, with my single self, pushing back on that — AND I AM.
And you know what? Due to a philosophy that I both have and implement into my coaching, I have seen many married couples shift from “hard work” to marital maintenance. And a big part of it has been because we have worked through the following seven points — and that has altered, shoot, everything.
Are you ready to hear why this single woman believes what she does about the whole “It really doesn’t have to be grueling” thing?
Let’s proceed.
Toiling vs. Maintenance. Let’s Discuss.
GiphyThe first time that I recall being introduced to the word “toil,” was in the Bible, after God gave Adam and Eve their consequences for what went down at the tree. Eve was told that she would submit to her husband and experience pain during labor and Adam was told that he would have to toil for his provision (Adam was to toil not Eve — some of y’all will catch that later — Genesis 3:14-21).
Toil is a rough word. It means “hard and continuous work” and “exhausting labor or effort.” Some synonyms for toil include exertion, pains, sweat, drudgery, and strain. As a result of Adam and the Woman (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 2:18-25), Adam was going to have to work hard, continuously so, to meet a lot of his and his family’s needs. Toiling was the result of not listening. Bookmark that.
When it comes to relationships being hard work, while there are definitely seasons when a couple will have to put in more sweat (and tears) equity to get through more than others (because some seasons throw more stress and curveballs than others), if they constantly feel like their union is a form of toiling? Something is definitely up — and not in a good way.
Personally, I liken relationships to starting a garden: although, in the beginning, you may have to put in a lot to prepare the soil, remove the rocks, fertilize, plant, etc., once you get your groove and you make it a point to care for your garden on a daily basis, then it transitions into mere maintenance:
Maintenance: the act of maintaining; means of upkeep, support, or subsistence; livelihood
Maintain: to keep in existence or continuance; preserve; retain; to keep in an appropriate condition, operation, or force; keep unimpaired; to keep in a specified state, position, etc.; to affirm; assert; declare; to support in speech or argument, as a statement or proposition; to keep or hold against attack; to provide for the upkeep or support of; carry the expenses of; to sustain or support
Synonyms: cultivate (that’s a good one); manage; guard; renew; repair; supply; protect; provide; retain; uphold; persevere; advocate; hold; insist; stand by
Toiling (hard work) vs. maintenance (to keep in existence) — do you see how, while they both certainly require effort, one is way more straining and stress-filled than the other? And do you also get a bit more of why I am a firm believer that if folks are willing to “maintain their relationship garden,” expressing on-loop about how hard things are, that simply doesn’t have to be the case?
So, what causes so many folks to believe that relationships are more like toiling instead of maintenance? Good question.
1. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not with the Right Person
GiphyThere is a divorced woman and an engaged man who I find myself being like, “Naw, that’s not everyone; that’s YOU” whenever they tell me or I hear them tell other people about how hard marriage is. The divorced woman?
To this day, I definitely will stand by the fact that she had one of the most unhealthy marriages that I had ever witnessed and a big part of it was because she ignored rows of red flags before saying “I do” — his totally dysfunctional relationship with his mother; his very odd views on religion and race; the fact that he didn’t have many friends (and that he was low-key disrespectful to hers); how selfish and controlling he was (and still is); his very shallow views on therapy…oh, I could go on and on.
She married him anyway and so, what did she think was going to happen? That her marriage was going to be easy street? With a man like that?
As far as the engaged guy goes, I don’t think I’ve seen him and his fiancée go 10 days without some kind of a drag-out argument. He is constantly wanting to feel respected and she is constantly feeling unheard. He has been married before and felt the same way in his other relationship. And so, when he says that relationships are hard work — sir, you keep picking the same kind of person over and over again. Not getting a lesson in life and repeating it until you do? Yep, that is hard work.
And that’s why the first thing that must be addressed when it comes to “hard work relationships” is if you’re with someone who really isn’t your best fit — because…have you ever tried to put a puzzle piece into a spot where it doesn’t belong? That is indeed some hard work. On the other hand, when it goes where it was designed to, it slides in with ease.
I could go on and on about this point; however, I think y’all get the gist. Plus, there is more ground to cover, so let’s continue…
2. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Don’t Put in Daily Intentional Effort
GiphyIf someone were to ask you how much time, on average, couples spend together on a daily basis, what would you say? If you have no clue, let me give you a hint: it’s the same amount of time that most people also spend on social media: 2.5 hours. This literally means that folks are out here prioritizing their relationship in the same way that they do their Instagram account — and that is a damn shame.
When it comes to relationships, one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” And this is probably the reason why a lot of individuals, when asked why their relationship ended, will simply shrug and say, “We just grew apart.” Did you — or did you not put in daily effort to maintain — guard, renew, supply, uphold, and manage — your relationship? Because really, if you’ve got 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in a week, and roughly 720 hours in a month (depending on how many days are in said month) and only a tiny bit of that time is spent on your relationship, how could trying to play catch-up not feel like hard work to you?
While growing up, I would go to visit my dad and great-grandparents in Dallas every summer. A memory that I have is my great-grandfather watering the lawn, every evening, like clockwork. He had the best lawn on the block too. He wasn’t sweating and struggling while he was out there with his water hose. That man would sit in a lawn chair and kick right on back — because he was maintaining his yard…daily.
If a lot of couples were honest, they would admit that they put more time into, shoot, everything else BUT their relationship — and that’s why it feels like hard work so much. If that’s you, devote that social media time to your bae. See how much it improves and enhances your dynamic when you do. It just might surprise you.
3. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’ve Got a Toxic “Support System”
GiphyWanna know something that really makes a relationship hard? Having moments of struggle and having family members and friends who only have negative things to say. This is another reason why it amazes me that folks think that single people are automatically relationally problematic to married folks (as far as advice and insight go) when my clients tell me that it’s mostly MARRIED AND DIVORCED INDIVIDUALS who they get some of the worst advice from as far as how they should handle their “valley situations.”
Whew, there is nothing like someone claiming to tell you that they are looking out for you when really, they are just projecting their own toxic mess onto you — and that happens…a lot. And when you don’t have people around who are fans of marriage and advocates of yours (not either or…both), when you need someone to lean on, pray for you, offer insight that will “get you to the other side” and no one’s around — of course, that can make your relationship feel like really hard work. Of course, you are going to toil.
Right now, I have a friend who is going through one of the hardest times in her marriage. Guess who she’s talking to a lot? Me. Why? “I know that you will never encourage me to leave my husband,” she has said — and she’s right. Meanwhile, she’s got some married people who are talking about what they wouldn’t put up with or tolerate. This man isn’t abusing my friend. They are simply having a challenging time. It happens. What she needs is the kind of support that is going to “fuel her” through this part of her journey — not a group of folks who bring new meaning to misery loves company (online or off, by the way).
Yeah, surrounding yourself with poison when you are going through a relationship trial? That can definitely make marriage feel like it’s really, really hard work.
4. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Fail to Take Accountability
GiphyEver notice that when people talk about why their marriage failed, 8.5 times out of 10, they will go on and on about what their former spouse did or didn’t do and yet will say absolutely nothing about what they could’ve/should’ve done better?
That’s called not taking personal accountability and it actually helps to explain why the divorce rate significantly increases with second (67 percent) and third (73 percent) marriages — people are so busy thinking that someone else is the problem and so all they need to do is “push reset” with a new person when all that does is amplify the point of one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Everywhere you go, there you are.” (I believe it’s Confucious who originated that.)
Accountability helps you to take responsibility for your actions. Accountability helps you to see where you can stand to improve. Accountability helps you to take constructive criticism. Accountability helps you to handle things in a mature rather than childish fashion (more of that in a bit). Accountability helps you to apologize. Accountability helps you to actually listen instead of always wanting to only be heard. Accountability helps you to grow up.
If you are bad at holding yourself accountable or you are in a relationship with someone who sucks at personal accountability — hell, no wonder your relationship is wearing you out. You can’t get anywhere far or good with someone who refuses to hold themselves accountable. My advice in this instance? See a therapist/counselor/life coach — STAT.
5. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Your Expectations Are Unrealistic (or Hypocritical)
GiphyI believe I’ve shared before that I’ve got a friend — a friend who’s been married for over 20 years, by the way — who, whenever his wife finds herself comparing their marriage to others or she rants about things that she’s dissatisfied with and it seems to come totally out of the blue, he will simply say, “You need to lower your expectations, honey.”
It tickles me every time I think about it because, what he’s basically saying is, “Now, you were fine until you went on a scrolling social media marathon or one of your friends talked about their wedding ring upgrade and now, here you are — making problems where there are none.” See, he’s not telling her to have no expectations; he’s telling her to be realistic about the ones that she comes up with — and that is some grown kids' advice right there.
When it comes to this particular point, a great example of having unrealistic expectations is to bring perfectionism into your relational dynamic. Wanting a flawless relationship is always going to make things trying because not only is there no such thing (because you are not perfect and neither is your partner), perfectionism is rooted in things like being hypercritical, never knowing how to be content, setting goals that are damn near impossible to reach, constantly stressing yourself out as well as those who are around you and not knowing how to live in the moment.
I know some perfectionists and I honestly try to keep my distance from them because they are draining to be around, so I can only imagine what it’s like to be in a relationship with one. SMDH. If this pushed some buttons, absolutely, being in a relationship with a perfectionist is hard work.
As far as the hypocrisy thing goes — it deserves its own article. For now, I’ll just say, that if you’re someone who expects from your partner what you yourself are not providing, not only are you being hypocritical, but you are a miserable person to be around as well. Because there is nothing like being in a relationship with someone who sets higher expectations of their partner than they do for their own selves. Amen? Amen.
6. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Intimacy Is Lacking
GiphyI am totally unapologetic when I say that one of the greatest relationship gaslights of all time is believing that someone is unfaithful if they have sex with someone other than their committed partner while totally ignoring the fact that it is also an unfaithful act to commit to being your partner’s only sex outlet while refusing to sleep with them. Both things are selfish. Both things are toxic. Both things are relationally counterproductive. Yeah, you are definitely setting yourself up to have an excruciating relationship if you fall into one of these categories.
That’s a big part of the reason why I appreciated the “Dead Ass Podcast Season 4- Episode 2: Monogamy Expectations Vs. Reality” episode (featuring Devale and Khadeen Ellis) that I watched a few weeks back. Although it’s a few years old, if you are married or are considering getting married, it really is an unfiltered take between a husband and wife about intimacy, the expectations and needs within intimacy, and how to balance it all that you should check out. Something else that I like about it?
It’s a blaring reminder that SEX IS A RESPONSIBILITY IN MARRIAGE — and perhaps that is one of the real downsides about sex outside of it: since, when you are single, you are mostly focused on you and you alone when it comes to sex, it can be hard to realize that you need to prioritize your partner’s needs just as much as your own (as they do the same for you) after jumping the broom.
This means that no — you can’t be out here “not in the mood” for months at a time and then be freaking out at the thought of your partner liking an IG picture. Because let’s be real — on what planet does a sane person sign up for exclusivity or monogamy and then not expect to receive intimacy from the only source that they committed to get it from? Listen, if your partner sleeps with someone else, they cheated and, at the same time, if you refused to sleep with them, didn’t you cheat (the agreement) too?
In a long-term committed relationship, sex is one of the main things that sets it apart from all other relational dynamics. If you’re not bringing that to the table, how are YOU being faithful to the relationship?
Let’s please stop bugging when it comes to this because absolutely no one (who is physically capable) wants to be in a long-term sexless romantic relationship. That said, anyone who has a partner who minimizes intimacy, manipulates intimacy, or weaponizes intimacy — they are absolutely grueling to be around. Torturous even. And yes, to try and make it work with this type of individual…that is beyond hard work.
7. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not Mature Enough for a Relationship
GiphyThere is a man that I know who has been married for a few decades at this point and, throughout that entire time, he has mentioned how hard and incredibly stressful his marriage is. I bet because I have seen in a very up close and personal way that he’s with someone who is emotionally immature.
Yeah, while social media influencers are constantly talking about how they want someone who is emotionally intelligent (effective conflict management is one sign of that, relationship folks — so is apologizing and forgiving — hmm…), what we really need to be addressing in these streets is what it means to be emotionally immature:
- Emotionally immature people are poor communicators
- Emotionally immature people are self-centered
- Emotionally immature people act impulsively
- Emotionally immature people are inflexible and don’t know how to compromise
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent
- Emotionally immature people like to play the victim
- Emotionally immature people don’t manage their emotions well
- Emotionally immature people make excuses instead of taking responsibility for their actions
- Emotionally immature people tend to overreact to things
- Emotionally immature people “go on the attack” and/or hit below the belt during conflict
Meanwhile, signs of emotional maturity:
- Emotionally mature people know how to own their ish without deflecting
- Emotionally mature people have healthy boundaries
- Emotionally mature people are solutions rather than problems-oriented
- Emotionally mature people are flexible and adaptable
- Emotionally mature people strive to see the positives and silver linings of things
- Emotionally mature people are humble (peep how much social media pushes back on humility)
- Emotionally mature people are very self-aware (about their good and not-so-good points)
- Emotionally mature people can put themselves in other people’s shoes
- Emotionally mature people aren’t bitter
- Emotionally mature people know how to be patient
Do you know how many folks out here are absolutely not with an emotionally mature person? And when a grown adult feels like they are damn near babysitting their partner — how could that not feel like some really hard work?
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Now do you get why this article has the title that it does? Just imagine if more people took all of what I said to heart and then altered the things that they are doing here. Do you get how their relationship could go from being hard work to being maintenance? Less toiling and more cultivating? Less exhausting labor and more upkeep? Less drudgery and more affirming?
Again, I have clients who’ve told me that since we’ve worked on these very issues, their marriage is easier than it’s ever been. Hmph. That’s what happens when you stop calling the relationship “hard work” and focus more on being easier to deal with instead.
Both ways. Just sayin’.
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