I already know. If you're someone who's recently gone through a break-up (or you're currently contemplating ending your relationship), you probably rolled your eyes until they couldn't go back any further when it came to this title. Because the reality is that, similar to marriage, there aren't a ton of us who go into serious relationships thinking that they've got an expiration date to them. And so, whenever the ride comes to an end, even if we know it's for the best, it can take a lot out of us. It can also tempt us, at least initially, to only focus on how much we're hurting and/or losing, as the result of calling it quits.
As someone who has had my own fair share of break-ups with guys (believe you me, chile), while it does initially seem like a super painful experience, in hindsight, I'm able to see that there were several silver linings that arose from ending things. That's why I wanted to pen this. Because sometimes, in the midst of a break-up, it can be really hard to see the "beauty for ashes" moments that can be directly connected to them. I'll share the ones that I've personally discovered…now.
Believe It or Not, the Hardest Part Has Already Happened
I remember the day when I broke up with the last boyfriend that I will ever have in this lifetime (check out "Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again"). Between us being the best of homies before ever getting together, the relationship lasting for four years, and then us sleeping together for two more years after that, while I knew that moving on was absolutely the right and best thing for me to do, on the particular day that I made the call and officially ended things, I was absolutely devastated. I was at a cousin of his house and, after hanging up, I just curled up on a ball and literally screamed and cried and then screamed and cried some more. When someone has been an intimate part of your world for well over a decade, them leaving—even if you're the one who's removing them—can bring about a grief that is truly indescribable.
For the first week, everything was kind of a blur. I was so used to speaking with him, at least a couple of times a day, that it took me a moment to step back and adjust to what had become my new normal. But you know what?
After about three weeks, I found myself feeling pretty OK. On some levels, even better than that. Because while there was a part of me that missed him, I was more excited about what my life would look like, now that I was more focused on me and what I wanted rather than "we" and what he needed.
My point? While this might seem like a really "WTF?" way to start off this article, that doesn't make it any less relevant or true. If you're someone who has just gone through your own break-up, believe it or not, the first silver lining is the fact that the worst part of the break-up is already behind you. I liken it to someone breaking a bone. It hurts like hell but once the break happens (especially if it's a clean break; I'll get more into that later), it's time to focus on the healing part. So, please don't stay in something that is no longer serving you, simply because you think the pain will be too much to bear. Fear is never a good reason to remain in, pretty much anything. And besides, pain eventually exhausts itself. I know this from a very up close and personal fact.
Now It’s Time to Do Some Journaling
I've said in some of the other articles on here that a phrase that I absolutely cannot stand is, "If you want to get over an old guy, get underneath a new one." Sex is a gift; it's not something that should be abused (check out "We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'" and "Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good"). So no, I definitely don't think that rebounding, in any way and on any level, is your best move. If anything, use this as a time to do some serious self-reflecting; one of the most effective ways to do that is to journal.
Something that can prove to be super helpful is if you do a twist to what I call "prayer journaling". When I pray journal, I write my thoughts and feelings in a black or blue ink pen. I sometimes meditate and pray and then what I feel like God is conveying to me (which is oftentimes via a Scriptural reference), I wrote that in red ink. Well, if you're journaling for the sole purpose of evaluating your relationship, write what your "old self" felt while you were in the relationship in black or blue ink and then how your "newer self" feels, now that the relationship is over, in red ink. If you devote 15-30 minutes towards doing this, every day, after about two weeks or so, you may discover some extra confirmations about why the relationship ended and why that could actually prove to be a really good thing. Journaling about your break-up can bring forth a clarity that you possibly wouldn't get any other way. I can certainly vouch, big time, for this.
Think About How the Relationship Wasn’t Serving You
I once wrote an article for the site entitled, "How To Stop Being 'Ms. Fix It' In Your Relationships". Something that doing my own relationship journaling over the years has revealed to me is, more times than not, I would get into relationships where I was doing most of the work, simply because I was codependent AF. It didn't really matter if I wasn't getting my own needs met; I thought that loving someone meant that I did all that I could to make sure they were good…even if I actually wasn't.
It's pretty common that, once you break-up with someone, your mind merely wants to go back to all of the good times that are filed somewhere in your memory. In a weird way, it's like your heart is trying to shield you from having to relive the "icky parts" over and over again. This is exactly why many folks don't move past someone, who they actually should get over, for months or even years later (check out "6 Reasons Why You STILL Can't Over Your Ex" and "You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?"). But if you really want to heal from your break-up, it's important that you look at it from ALL angles. The good is what can help you to forgive. The not-so-good is what can encourage you to keep pressing forward.
Listen, I don't care how awesome a guy was to you. If the relationship was as wonderful as your heart may be trying to tell you right now, you'd still be with him, right? Think about the areas where things were lacking, so that you can be sure to require those things the next time. Even if the next time is via a reconciliation with him (we'll have to touch on that another time, y'all).
Try a Self-Care Fast
Even if the break-up was initiated by him, due to something that you did or kept doing (check out "10 Single Men Shared Some Thoughts They Wish Women Would Take At Face Value" and "Women Cheat More Than We Think. What To Do If That's You."), there's a pretty good chance that you were doing those things because some part of you was unhappy or unfulfilled (that's not a justification; just the reality). Back when I used to have boyfriends and go through break-ups, whether it was my call or not, whether it was because of something they did (or didn't do) or I did (or didn't do), I still used to be harder on myself than I ever should've been. I would just keep beating myself up with what-could've-been recollections rather than doing what I am now recommending that you try—self-care fasting.
Sometimes a fast is about not doing something. Other times, it's about doing something in overdrive.
You're a woman. You know how we tend to be when we're with someone. So much of our time, effort, energy and resources is all about making sure he's good and the relationship is fine. It can be so extreme that we don't even realize the areas where we've dropped the ball on pampering and nurturing our own selves. If there's ever a time to get back into the swing of things, on the heels of a break-up would be it.
I'd say devote 14 or even 30 days straight to doing something, each day, that focuses on self-care. It can be taking luxurious baths. It can be having a glass of wine. It can be getting a massage or a mani-pedi. It can be taking a weekend off to do nothing but read, watch mindless television and sleep. It can be taking a social media fast. It can be getting a makeover. It can be remodeling your bedroom. The list is literally endless. The point is, science actually says that it takes somewhere around 66 days to form a habit. By going on a self-care fast for 30 days, you are setting a foundation to make sure that your needs are nurtured. And that is one of the best ways to heal from a break-up and to set solid standards for your next relationship too.
Make Sure It’s a CLEAN Break (at Least for Now)
OK. Now back to what I was talking about when I mentioned a clean arm break. Any doctor will tell you that a clean break makes for much quicker healing. Same thing applies to a break-up. If the two of you are "technically" no longer together, but you're still talking on the phone, following each other on social media, or (whew) still having sex, it's going to be close to impossible for you to move forward with your life. Not only that but it sends a message to your "technical ex" that he can still get a lot of the benefits of keeping you around without any of the responsibility.
Remember, I was very open about the fact that my last ex and I had sex for two freakin' years after ending our relationship. I also told you that I was a basket case when I finally did say "enough is enough" once and for all. Breaking up can be a process. There's no doubt about that. But don't think that weaning off of a man is easier than just ending things, period. You need the space and time, without him, to see if you really still want him or you're just used to having him around. And the only way to do that is to end all communication. Perhaps not forever, but at least for a while (remember also what I said about how long it takes to form a habit, so "a while" should probably be a couple of months or so).
Remember the Path Is Now Open to Get What You REALLY Want
Best-selling author Paulo Coelho once said, "Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant." A break-up indeed qualifies as a crisis, at least on some level. And while it might not feel this way yet, because the relationship (and the man) are out of your path, the "brilliance" in all of that is you can figure out what you really and truly want. Is it time and space to focus on some desires and goals that your relationship had been distracting you away from? Is it time and space to determine if you were getting what you really and truly needed? Is it time and space to decide if the relationship was the right one at the wrong time, but you both need time to grow individually before coming back together again?
Break-ups are difficult. I totally get that. But they really aren't the end of the world or your love experiences. Use it as a learning experience, a self-motivator and an opportunity to do things, the way you really want to, the next time. If you choose to see the silver lining from this angle, you will be all the better for it, sis. I can absolutely promise you that.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Reset Your Relationship: How To Start 2025 Strong With Your Partner
As the calendar turns and a new year unfolds, many of us are laser-focused on our career goals, fitness resolutions, and vision boards that outline the journey to our best selves. But amidst all the planning and self-improvement, have you made room for another important part of your life? Your relationship.
It's easy for couples to fall into a routine, going through the motions and letting their connection sit on autopilot. While comfort is natural in a long-term relationship, it’s important to remember: that what you don’t nurture, eventually fades. So, why not make 2025 the year you reset your relationship? Here’s how to start the year with a renewed bond, reigniting the spark that brought you together.
Step 1: Schedule Your Reset Meeting
The first step to hitting the reset button is a State of the Union meeting with your partner. This is your chance to take a pulse on the relationship, discuss what's working, and identify areas that need attention. It’s all about creating space to reflect, without distractions.
Grab a pen and paper (or open a shared note on your phone) and come prepared to share your top 2-3 desires for your relationship.
What do you both want to feel more of in 2025? Maybe it’s feeling more appreciated, or perhaps you want to reignite the passion you had when you first started dating. Whatever it is, get clear about it, and make sure both of you are on the same page.
This isn’t just about listing your own wants, it’s also about discussing ways to nurture each other’s needs. Relationship goals should be focused on fostering deeper intimacy, trust, and mutual respect. Use this time to check in, not only with each other but with your individual feelings and expectations. Set the foundation for a fulfilling year ahead.
Step 2: Set A Date (Or Multiple!)
Having the meeting is only the first step. Now, it’s time to take action. One of the simplest ways to breathe new life into a relationship is by reintroducing consistent, intentional time spent together. For many couples, life gets busy, and date nights fall by the wayside. But dating doesn’t stop when you say "I do"—in fact, it’s even more essential.
During your reset meeting, lock in a regular date night that works for both of your schedules. This could be a weekly dinner date or an every-other-week adventure—whatever keeps things fresh. The goal is consistency. It’s easy to push date nights aside when life gets hectic, but if you set a specific date each week or month, you’re making your relationship a priority.
If you’re unsure what to do for your date nights, don’t worry! The key is creating new experiences together. This is what sparks excitement and brings you closer as a couple. Whether it’s cooking a new recipe together, trying a dance class, or exploring a nearby town, it’s about creating shared memories that build your connection.
Step 3: Find an Accountability Partner
Just like you might have a personal trainer to help you crush your fitness goals, an accountability partner for your relationship can do wonders for keeping both of you on track. Consider hiring a marriage coach or therapist—someone who can meet you where you are and guide you in strengthening your relationship.
When selecting a professional, it’s important to choose someone who truly wants the best for your marriage and can provide actionable advice.
Don’t be afraid to set high standards for your relationship, and seek guidance on how to keep it thriving for the long haul. In your reset meeting, discuss your commitment to growth, and be honest about areas where you may need support.
Marriage isn’t a set-it-and-forget-it endeavor—it’s an ongoing process. Regular check-ins with a professional can help keep your relationship in tip-top shape and “divorce-proof” by addressing issues before they become insurmountable.
Step 4: Try Something New Together
Stale routines can easily make a relationship feel monotonous. Spice things up by trying something new! Couples that explore new activities and create new memories together have stronger, more fulfilling bonds.
My husband and I host one of the top luxury marriage retreats, A Weekend For Love, designed to help couples experience new things together. From couples' workshops to outdoor adventures, the retreat provides a platform to rediscover each other and reconnect on a deeper level.
The element of surprise can reignite your connection. It’s exciting, fresh, and shows your partner that you’re committed to growing together. This doesn’t have to be a huge commitment—it could be as simple as trying a new hobby or planning an impromptu weekend getaway.
Your Relationship Should Be A Priority
As you start the year with personal goals in mind, don’t forget the importance of nurturing your relationship. It’s easy to get caught up in work, fitness, and family obligations, but your bond with your partner deserves to be at the top of your list. Resetting your relationship offers an opportunity to reignite that spark and remind each other why you fell in love in the first place.
In 2025, make a commitment to prioritize your partnership, to nurture it daily, and to invest in its growth. Take time to celebrate each other’s victories, support one another’s dreams, and build a foundation of love and respect. When you start the year with a clear focus on your relationship, you’re setting it up for success.
So, before you start mapping out your new workout plan or work goals, do yourself a favor: put your relationship at the top of that list. Your love story deserves a fresh start, too.
Happy New Year, and here’s to a love-filled 2025!
Couples, if you are ready to do the work and invest in your relationship register for A Weekend For Love: Heart Retreat Feb 21-23, 2025.
Featured image by zamrznutitonovi/Getty Images
Alaska Wasn’t On My Bucket List, But My Glacier Adventure Made Me A Believer
We all have bucket list destinations at the top of our lists. I visited one of those at the top of 2024: Japan! But what happens when you get an opportunity to go someplace that wasn’t on it? For me, that was Alaska. Now, I’d submitted my short film to the Anchorage International Film Festival, genuinely thinking it would be a long shot to get in with a short film about fibroids and Black women’s health.
However, to my surprise, I received an email that read: “It’s with great excitement that we announce your film, Super High: A Period Piece, has been selected for the 24th Anchorage International Film Festival.” After looking at the flight distance from Atlanta to Anchorage—a solid 10 hours one way— I’d decided this would be one I wouldn’t attend.
That was until there was a follow-up email that shared that the festival was sponsoring two excursions for filmmakers: A Northern Lights Tour and A Glacier Hike.
With that, I knew I had to make the trip to the 49th state! I flew Delta, which offered the shortest layovers—just 50 minutes each way. For a more comfortable flight on the longer legs that were about six hours between my layover city and Anchorage, I upgraded to first class with an in-app discount for $256 (the regular price of a first-class ticket runs about $2,100), which was so worth it for additional space and service for the six-hour trek.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
"So What’s Alaska Like? Did You Have To Wear a Snowsuit? What’s the Food Like?"
These are among the major questions I’ve gotten. Anchorage reminds me less of a bustling major city and more of a small town with an easygoing feel. When I arrived, they’d just had snow a few days before, so it was cold, and the streets were slick. So, I was so happy I’d invested in a pair of snow boots. For my first few days, the locals said it was warm. Warm to them being 20s at night and mid-30s during the day.
However, by the time I left, fresh snow was on the ground, and temps were well into the single digits—and it felt like it. Oh, the sun doesn’t rise until 10:30 a.m., and it sets around 4 p.m. That was among the most challenging things to experience because I felt like I never really woke up. So, between the lack of sun and the four-hour time difference, I felt tired the whole time I was there.
As for food, I didn’t explore a ton because I was so cold. But I found two gems! First was Whiskey and Ramen. If you enjoy ramen and exceptional service, this is a must-visit. I’d make a trip back just for their Wagyu ramen and their special take on an old fashion!
And, for coffee, I thoroughly enjoyed That Feeling Co. The coffee was great, and being surrounded by plants helped to perk up my spirits.
The Northern Lights
Iceland is one of the most popular places to see the Northern Lights, so I was very excited to know that Alaska also gets to see the Aurora Borealis light show. Typically, many people visit Fairbanks to see them, but there are tours offered in Anchorage too! When prepping for the late-night tour, we’d heard that the night we were heading out to see the lights, the cloud coverage likely meant we wouldn’t be able to see them. Bummer. I know. So, we could sit the tour out or still try. But, in my mind, I was like, why would I come all the way to Alaska not to try?
So, at about 9:30 p.m., we piled into vans and headed out to chase the Northern Lights. We traveled about an hour and a half from Anchorage, and when we stepped out of the van, it was cold and pitch black. And unfortunately, after a couple of hours in the cold, those clouds in the sky never parted for us. I know that when we see the posts of people who do get to see Mother Nature do her thing, we don’t have all of the context of the science, which is Aurora Borealis.
Sometimes, the weather just doesn’t do what we earthlings would like, which can lead to disappointment. However, our guide did give a recommendation. When you book a trip to see the lights, give yourself four to five days to see them. Don’t bank on one day because, at the end of the day, this is science.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Now, On to the Glacier!
Just six hours after returning from the Northern Lights tour, we were up for the glacier tour because they were back-to-back! I was exhausted and so excited. If someone had told me I’d hike on a glacier, I would have given them a mean side-eye. I mean, where on earth does one climb a glacier? Let me share a few destinations with you, just in case you want to plan an icy adventure: Switzerland, Norway, Iceland, Chile, Argentina, and Alaska.
Aside from the fact the Matanuska Glacier is 22,000 years old, it’s the largest glacier accessible by car in the United States—27 miles long and four miles wide, making it one of the easier ones to see IRL. As a girlie with generalized anxiety disorder, I get anxious about doing this kind of thing because I know that to see these world wonders is usually a mountainous trek.
This one was two hours long, one-way, up snow-capped, windy, mountainous terrain. However, my therapist always reminds me to push myself to do what scares me (as long as it’s for a reason, of course). I held my breath for the journey there and back! And white-knuckled it from time to time, too.
Courtesy of Bianca Lambert
Once we got there, we were surrounded by fresh, fluffy snow, and it was COLD! In the negative cold. I was thankful, I’d over-prepared. If you even go on a glacier tour, I recommend a few things: Balaclava, heavy-weight gloves, cashmere socks, snow boots, and lots of layers.
Here’s what I wore. My first layer was Ann Taylor leggings and a Wolford Turtleneck. Then, I layered a cashmere turtleneck and cashmere joggers. A COACH down vest, which I’d recommend anyone own just for winter, in general, because it’s SO warm! For my feet, I wore Ann Taylor cashmere socks (I love these because they’re affordable and so warm) and Adidas Adifom Superstar Winter Boot and topped all of that with a Brandon Blackwood ankle-length parka. I know BB is known for his accessories, but the brand’s outwear is truly amazing and worth the investment. After two hours on the ice, I felt great!
If you’re open to adventure travel, I highly recommend putting a glacier tour on your list of things to do. There are a few reasons. First, standing on an ice age-old massive piece of glacier was my 2024 version of touching some grass. I was reminded that I’m a speck on this spinning rock and need to spend more time grounded in that fact as I move through the world. I looked to the sky and thought of how proud my ancestors would be, even though I know they’d be telling me to get my butt home and off a dog on a glacier!
Secondly, I gained an ever-large appreciation for Mother Nature as I learned that glaciers are the world's largest reservoir of freshwater, containing around 69% of the world's freshwater. Again, another fact that helped me gain perspective. Lastly, it’s just fun and stunningly beautiful!
After this, I’m looking forward to my next cold-weather adventure! Iceland and Argentina are at the top of the list!
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Featured image courtesy of Bianca Lambert