
Not Sure If You're 'Into Him'? Look Out For These 6 Warning Signs.

Hey, dog Tubi out if you want to; however, word on the street is that it’s a platform that issteadily gaining on these streaming options out here. And although I will be the first to admit that some of the options are very umm, comical (yeah, let’s go with that — and while we’re here, why do so many of our movies have to have so much nonsensical violence in them? Goodness.), there are certain sections (like their indie options) that are pretty damn good.
Take a movie that I checked out not too long ago. Although the name of it escapes me at the moment, I do have a habit of jotting down quotes that I like while watching TV (or even when I’m at the movie theater). This particular movie featured one that I happened to like a lot: "Real love is liking who you are the most around another person.” (I like it so much that I’m actually gonna shout it out in my upcoming book!)
I pondered that point while reflecting on some of my past relationships (or situationships) that inspired me to write this piece. Because, when it’s all said and done, if you’re not feeling like your best self while you’re dating someone, you’re basically settling. And if you’re settling, you’re ultimately wasting your time…and his.
Know another sign of settling? Not being as into him as you should be. The thing is, sometimes, some of us want to be in a relationship so badly or we’ve been settling in different other areas of our lives for so long that we’re not sure if we’re really into someone or if we’re just trying to make ourselves be…so that we won’t have to be alone.
If what I said just resonated with you in ways that you didn’t quite expect, let me do you an extra solid by providing six very telling signs that, even if he’s a nice guy, even if you have some things in common, even if the intimacy is “aight,” you’re actually not that into him which means, it really is time to spare you both and…move on.
1. You’re Convincing Yourself to Be into Him
Time is one thing that you can never get back. I don’t care how much you try to romanticize it by saying that you can “redeem time” or make up for lost time, in many ways, time is like sleep. What I mean by that is, when you don’t get 6-8 hours of rest for a week or so, even if you crash out for a weekend and stay in bed the entire time, it’s not going to help you to get back all of those hours that you already lost. Along these same lines, when you waste your time or something or someone, even if you can say that you learned some things from the experience, you’re still not going to be able to get that time back. Hmph. My last boyfriend took up six years of my life and although it did teach me some things about…a lot of things, I can’t do anything about losing all of those hours, days, weeks, months, and years.
That’s why it is a HUGE red flag (and yes, I am yelling it!) to me, whenever I hear someone sound like they are trying to talk themselves into getting with — or staying with — an individual. Some of my energy? Oh, I know it’s projection because that’s how I found myself in the relationship that I was just talking about. My head and heart were never fully in it — yet I told myself, “Maybe I’ll grow to be attracted,” “Maybe it’s just because he’s so not my type and I have some reprogramming to do” and “Maybe I’m just being shallow.” Chile, thing is, until I could get answers for myself when it comes to all of that maybe-ing that I was doing, I really should have not agreed to commit.
Y’all, I can’t tell you how many couples I have worked with where one — sometimes even both — of them has admitted that they convinced themselves to try and feel something for their partner that wasn’t really there (check out “What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?”). Because of that, they would nitpick issues in the relationship, create problems that didn’t really exist, and actually find ways to make their partner so miserable that they could justify calling it quits. SMDH. This is one of the main reasons why I can’t tell you how many times I have said to folks who are dating who aren’t very happy, “It is so much better to break up than to divorce” — and it all the way is.
So, straight up, if you are out here having conversations with yourself in the tone of “I mean, it’s not that bad” — you are convincing yourself to remain, and, sooner or later, it’s going to turn into an avalanche of either a lot of problems or a ton of regret. I can almost guarantee it.
2. You’ve Got a “Paperclipping” Spirit
Geeze. At this point, exactly how many dating terms are there out here? Anyway, one that applies to this article is known as “paperclipping.” And just what is that? Well, on the surface level, it’s when you find yourself going on a few dates with someone, and you don’t hear from them for days or weeks on end, only for them to pop up out of the blue with some variation of a “hey, big head” text or DM. And just why would someone do that? According to some mental health and dating experts, it’s basically an ego boost — they don’t really want to be in a relationship with you but they do want to see if they could still gain access to you if/when they feel like it.
The way this translates into being with someone who you’re not totally into is sometimes people will do a variation of this because they like the attention and just how much the person is into them. And so, while they won’t go “all in” like they would for someone who they really and truly care about, what they will do is give the individual just enough to stick around and settle for less; then, when they feel like the person might be starting to tap out, all of a sudden, they will invest some of time, effort and energy that they should’ve been giving all along.
Does it sound low-key evil? It is. A lot of folks do it, though. If you are one of them, karma is a mutha. Stop paperclipping and torturing that brotha. Let him go so that someone will enthusiastically do what you are pushing yourself to do…whenever you feel like it.
3. You Take More than You Give
Selfish people have no business in a relationship. Full stop. However, when it comes to this particular point, I’m coming from a slightly different angle than just that. When you’re really into an individual, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else says or thinks; you dig them and so you’re going to show it. Okay, but when you’re pretty much “meh” about them? That’s when you find yourself not being as proactive as you know you could be or taking as much initiative as you should be. As a direct result, if you’re really and truly honest with yourself, you end up taking more than you end up giving.
Now, this could be on a tangible or monetary level; however, it also could be when it comes to giving compliments, celebrating achievements, acknowledging special days, planning dates, or initiating conversations about the future. When you’re not totally into a guy, it’s easy to let him do, easily 75 percent of the work, when it comes to stuff like this. And because either you don’t want to admit to yourself that you’re not “totally there” with him or because you’re self-absorbed and comfortable with the benefits that you’re getting, you’ll just keep taking…and taking…and taking. Be careful with this one, though. You can burn bridges with people who catch on to you basically using them — and some of those bridges, you may need, one way or another, later down the pike.
4. You “Double Dutch” Intimacy
Because I see this far more in my female clients than my male ones, yes, I’m calling out (certain) wives, specifically, on this one. Boy, nothing boils me more than dealing with a married couple who has sexless marriage issues, only to find out that the wife married her husband for reasons that had nothing to do with being attracted to him and/or she was never really interested in having sex with him. Years (sometimes even months) in, she wants to gaslight him into thinking that he’s low-key got a sex addiction when the real truth is that she never was really into him, physically or sexually, from the jump. The outcome (which is more like a fallout)? Now sex feels more like a chore and, because she doesn’t want to be honest about that, she tries to act like it’s his fault and he needs to either move heaven and earth to get her interested or he pretty much needs to make peace with having less intimacy in his relationship. Whew, that’s some evil and nasty work (on her part).
It can’t be said enough that a huge part of what makes a romantic relationship different from all of the others is physical intimacy. Each couple is different as far as what the intimacy expectations are.
That said, though, if you’re out here rationing it out to your partner or, if when you do engage, you are trying to do all that you can to get or stay in the mood — I don’t know what you think marrying him is going to do. Ask any married couple who is willing to be real with you and they are going to tell you that marriage merely magnifies and amplifies what already exists. If you are out here Double Dutching — you know, you’re in and then…you are out — with that man, you are being so unfair. Don’t believe me, how would you feel if he was being that way to you? Yeah…my point exactly.
5. Your Time Clock Is Your Motivation
Sometimes, I’ll be asked why I stayed with my final boyfriend for as long as I did. Honestly, one of the biggest reasons is because, again, after six damn years (four being together and two still sleeping together with me not having sex with anyone else), I was afraid to start the (relationship) clock with someone else all over again. I mean, all of that time was invested; our families had bonded with the both of us; even though I wasn’t totally into him, we did have a pretty good friendship and had learned a lot about each other’s strengths, weaknesses and quirks — and although I wasn’t exactly tap-dancing at the thought of forever, I had already put in so much, shoot, everything, that I had figured out how to make us work. Why start all over? What if the risk of finding someone…more proves to not be worth it?
Y’all, I can’t tell you how many women I have heard say to me that they are going to just…be with who they are because they’re in their mid-to-late 30s, they want children and their clock is a tickin’. While I get the fear in theory (I really do), starting or continuing a relationship that is rooted in fear and/or thinking that something like marriage or kids will make your initial fears go away? I mean, you might get the last name or the child yet the feelings of settling for less won’t go away. If anything, your fear might transition into resentment and that’s not ultimately helping anyone.
So, if you’re trying to figure out if you’re totally into “him” and, as you’re reading what I’m saying, you have to admit that “I just don’t want to start all over” is a huge part of what’s keeping you around — that’s not a good enough reason to stay. You deserve to be a happy wife and mom — not just a wife and mom. Feel me?
6. It’s Harder than It Really Should Be
Let me tell it, if you’re still reading this article, that’s already a sign to end the relationship because people who don’t feel like they are settling, people who feel like they really are all in, people who adore who they are with — THEY DON’T HAVE TO WONDER. Wondering means there are some doubts and, as Benjamin Franklin once simply and yet poignantly said, “When in doubt, don’t.”
Why? Because doubt oftentimes means that there is hesitation because we are uncertain about something (or one) — and until we can get certain, at the very least, we should “press pause;” especially when it comes to something like, “Do I really care about this guy as much as I should?”
Bottom line, is even the best relationships have moments of trying times and challenges, so by no means am I saying that with the right one, the best one for you, it will be unicorns and rainbows on a daily basis. At the same time, however, what I do hope you get is when you are fully present with someone because they are who you really want to be with, relationships are a helluva lot easier — including dealing with the lows, the valleys, the ebbs, and flows of it all.
Yeah, another sign that you’re not totally into who you are with is the dynamic always feels like work — damn near like a job…because you keep pushing yourself to get to…where you aren’t.
Yes, relationships should stretch you. No, they shouldn’t be defined as being hard work most of the time. So, why do so many people say that? Because, quite frankly, a lot of them settled by choosing someone who they are not totally into. #fullcircle
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Yeah, this is definitely one of those articles that is going to keep someone out of divorce court. I can just feel it. If there is one thing that every human is deserving of, it’s being with an individual who is totally into them while they reciprocate the very same energy.
It’s not hard to know if that is the case. We’ve just got to be honest with ourselves.
Are you? Being honest with you? Please be “into you” enough to start being real. You and he both deserve it.
No matter what the outcome of the honesty is, it’s better than settling via self-convincing.
Promise you that.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Feature image screenshot/ xoNecole YouTube
I’ve gotta say that, for the most part, my friends are pretty damn chill. There is one (major) exception, though — and it’s an odd one. Even after all these years and countless times of me giving them the same answer, if there is a time when they think they are my mama, it’s when they see an email come through at an odd hour of the night. Then, all of a sudden, here they come asking me when do I get sleep if I’m emailing at (say) three in the morning.
Again, the answer never changes because, if there is one thing that Shellie Reneé Warren is gonna get, it’s 6-8 (sometimes nine) hours of sleep. However, since my chronotype (check out “Ever Wonder What Personality Traits Make Someone A 'Morning Person'?”) means that I like/prefer to write in the wee hours of the morning, sometimes I will sleep for the night for five hours and take a nap in the day. And y’all, that is just fine with me because I am well aware of the fact that napping does everything from give me more energy, heighten my alertness and even make me more creative to decrease stress levels, strengthen immunity, and reduce my chances of experiencing a heart attack or stroke.
My problem is I will oftentimes go “overboard” with my daytime zzz’s. What I mean by that is, in order to get the most out of a nap, they say thatyou shouldn’t sleep for longer than 25 minutes or so; otherwise, you could wake up feeling sluggish (I don’t but…). Also, it can make resting, soundly, at night a bit of a struggle.
So, what are you saying, Shellie? We should get quickies in? Yeah. And it’s funny that the word “quickie” would come up because just like a sex quickie can do wonders for you (and it can — check out “12 Super Solid Reasons To Have A Quickie Every Single Day”), it’s a full-circle moment when I say that something that can improve the quality of your sex life is to have a power nap (a nap that lasts between 10-30 minutes).
Wanna know how the two things correlate? Honestly, it’s no secret that sleep and sex work together to optimize both (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”). Today, though, we’re going to tap into how a nap, specifically, can have you partaking in some of the best sex that you’ve experienced in a minute. I’ll explain.
Naps Reduce Stress
If you’re feeling super stressed out right now, you are not alone. There is plenty of data out here that says that most of us are stressed for at least a couple of reasons at a time — and that can impact your sexual health on a few levels. For one thing, it can bring about feelings of depression and/or anxiety. Stress can also throw your hormone levels off (including your cycle) which can weaken your libido. Stress can make you want to put distance between you and your partner (yes, literally).
Stress can also make it challenging to get aroused or to have an orgasm. And just what can help to decrease stress? Taking a nap. Since sleep has a way of helping you to “get off of the clock” and relax a bit, that can lower your stress levels and “reset” your body so that you are calmer — and that, in turn, can do wonders for your sex drive and ultimately your sex life.
Naps Improve Your Mood
There is one person in my life, and fairly 80 percent of the time, she’s in a super good mood. Oh, but let that girl go without sleep, and…who is this woman? LOL. There’s research behind why this happens. When a person is sleep-deprived, it messes with their brain chemicals, and that can amplify emotions like anger, restlessness and sadness. In fact, one study revealed that people who had their sleep disrupted throughout the night, they ended up having their positive outlook on life reduced by about 30 percent.
And geeze, who wants to have sex when they’re not feeling very good? Anyway, since serotonin is a neurotransmitter that helps to regulate your moods, your sleep patterns, and your libido and sleep is what helps to keep it in balance — by taking a nap, not only can it help you to feel better, it can also increase your desire for sex (it can also build up your endurance which is also…sexually beneficial).
Naps Increase Your Focus and Concentration
Something that some of my clients bring up is how, when it comes to having sex, sometimes the flesh is willing while the spirit is weak because, although the desire for intimacy is there, so much is going on that they aren’t able to get still enough to focus on experiencing copulation with their partner. This also tracks because, when you don’t have enough rest, your brain finds itself not working in harmony and that can make it hard to do everything from approaching life with a sense of flexibility to making necessary decisions.
Certain data also reveal that a lack of rest can cause you to have a really poor attention span and not process things in context (the more you know). So, if you really want to get some yet it’s hard for you to focus long enough to make it happen, ask your bae to lie down with you and take a nap. Between the sleep and the snuggling (check out “Fall's Coming: 8 Wonderful Health Benefits Of Cuddling”) — you may wake up with your mind and body totally on the same page. #wink
Naps Can Make You Feel Better About Your Body
Even if, overall, you feel really good about your body, I think that we all have moments when we feel less attractive than others — and who wants to have sex when they don’t really feel…very sexy? Well, something else that sleep, in general, can do is increase your confidence in your body.
For one thing, if you want to lose a few pounds, sleep can actually make that happen by helping your body metabolize the glucose (sugar) that’s in it so that you can better manage your appetite. Other studies go on to share that since sleep deprivation can impact one’s mental health and emotional stability in a negative way, of course, getting enough rest would increase body positivity.
Shoot, science even goes so far as to say that insomnia can cause people to have an elevated level of dissatisfaction when it comes to their body image. Don’t take their word for it, though. Look in the mirror before a nap. Then look in a mirror after waking up from me. Do you feel better? I’d be surprised if you don’t.
Makes Your Brain Bigger…Which Could Make Your Orgasms Better
I saved the best for last by design. Now if you’re wondering how in the world a nap can improve (and possibly increase) your orgasms — oh, there is a method to the madness…trust. For starters, the saying that your biggest sex organ is your brain? That isn’t a myth. Long story less long, the brain is what houses your central nervous system and that is what controls how men and women sexually function (yes, literally).
And since the brain also releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin during sex and brain activity significantly increases in women during sexual activity (especially right before she orgasms) — well, would it trip you out to know that when you take a nap, your brain actually expands? A bigger brain (that’s healthy) can potentially intensify your sexual experiences (and your climaxes) — and who doesn’t want that to go down?
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Like I said earlier, I never have to be convinced to get a nap in. However, if your sex life has been a bit stagnant lately, you’ve been feeling a little sluggish and you’re not sure what to do — I’m hoping that a nap can get you right.
There’s enough science to prove that it can. All you need to do is give it a shot.
Now where’s your pillow and sleep mask, chile?
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