The timing of writing this is really something. While I was doing some keystroking, I got a call from one of my clients. They recently broke up with someone and are actually displaying some of the very behaviors that we're about to get into today. So, while it's on my mind, let me just say that if you just called it quits with someone, I'd say around 4-6 weeks ago, this article doesn't necessarily apply to you. Ending relationships can be quite painful and it takes a little bit of time for the "heart scab" to form so that the healing process can truly begin.
Oh, but if it's been a few months now (or more) and you're not able to tell much of a difference between today and how you felt on the day when the relationship official came to a close, this is something I would recommend that you at least skim through. The reality is that, for most of us, heartbreak is indeed sure. A bigger reality is if we don't make sure to fully heal—"to make healthy, whole or sound"; "to cleanse"; "to purify"—from the situation, not only is it going to hold us back, it can also hinder us from getting into a relationship that is so much better.
Signs You're Healing From a Breakup
So, how can you know, for certain, that you've truly healed from an ex? I'm so glad that you asked. Here are some telling signs you're healing from a breakup that you can gauge your mind and heart by.
1.You’re Not Bitter
I'm thinking that one of the most telling signs that someone hasn't healed from shoot, just about anything that deals with relationships (any kind of relationship), is they are bitter. And yeah, bitter ain't good. Whenever I think of that word, as it relates to romantic relationships, the first thing that oftentimes comes to my mind is the synonym "acrimonious" which ties really well into the Tyler Perry movie Acrimony.
Yeah, I know that film triggered a lot of folks yet something I did appreciate about it was it showed a very bitter woman and how she came to be that way (because very few are bitter for absolutely no reason). It also revealed an extreme example of what can happen when you don't let bitterness go. Know another in-real-life example of bitterness? A lot of posts that I see on social media. It's like some folks think it's an Olympic sport to dog out Black men all day long. And what's a trip about this particular example is the fact that, when someone is bitter, they tend to, by definition, generalize.
What are some other indications of being bitter? Holding grudges. Being jealous of other people's relationships. Always seeing things with a negative slant. Staying stuck in the past. Not acknowledging the good things that are happening in your life. Comparing the next guy to the old one.
To be fair, when you first break up with someone, there do tend to be stages of grief that can sometimes feel like bitterness (check out "Why You Need To Grieve Your Past Relationship"). Yet if it's been so long since the relationship ended at this point that even your friends, your mama, and your auntie are like, "Girl, we're still talking about this?", it's worth asking yourself if there is some bitterness within you that still needs to be addressed. Then resolved.
2.You’re Not Rebounding
The flip side to being bitter? Oftentimes it includes being on the rebound. I've mentioned in articles before that I actually-pretty-close-to-loathe the saying, "The best way to get over someone is to get underneath someone else." One of the main reasons why is because that typically speaks to using another person as a distraction—and, well, as the saying goes, everywhere you go, there you are. Yeah, trying to get over someone by getting involved with someone isn't the best way to heal from the relationship. More times than not, all it does is cause you to compare the new guy to the old one, and worse, you can end up making him pay if he shows even remote signs of being like your ex.
What's so wrong with that? Well, say that something you didn't like about your ex-boyfriend was that he wasn't very romantic or attentive. Let the new guy show up 10 minutes late to something and all of a sudden, now he's selfish and too immature for a relationship. And it's all because you're too jaded to see things from a balanced perspective (which I'm gonna address in just a sec).
A healed person is fine standing on their own. That's how healed they are. If you can't imagine getting through your break-up without someone else being around, that's not fair to the-new-him—or to you. Rebounding rarely ever is.
3.You Have a Balanced Perspective
When I speak of having a balanced perspective, this can actually go a few different directions. First, when you're healed from him, you're not holding the guys in your future to "his" standard. You are able to see each person as an individual and "judge" accordingly. Another example of having a balanced perspective is you don't just remember all of the bad times or all of the good. Another sign of being balanced is you don't see only what you want to see.
A great example of this particular point is the movie (500) Days of Summer (Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zooey Deschanel). One of my very favorite scenes is when Tom (Gordon-Levitt) goes to a party that Summer (Zooey) throws and it shows his expectations vs. the actual reality via a split screen (you can watch it here). Because Tom was still so hung up on Summer following their break-up, he had a one-sided perspective. He saw what he wanted to see which was Summer inviting him to her party to get back together when the reality is that it was really her engagement party to some other guy.
When you're not healed, you tend to have quite a bit of tunnel vision. More times than not, it's because you're trying to protect yourself—even if it's by doing things that are only putting yourself in harm's way. That said, you know you've healed when things aren't unrealistic or extreme. You can process things for what they are because you've got a balanced insight on matters.
4.You Can Own Your Own Ish
I don't care if it's your BFF, the First Lady of your church, or your favorite relationship coach, be careful of listening to people who, when they speak of their own relationships, you never—and I do mean NEVER—hear them say what they did wrong or could've done better. One of the things that is super annoying—and dangerous—about the state of our society these days is how so many people seem to have a total lack of personal accountability. That's why, while I will do it sometimes, I prefer to work with a couple instead of just one person who is in the relationship. Why? Because when you hear both sides, things make a helluva lot more sense as you're trying to figure out how a couple got to where they are.
Whew. I can't tell you how many times a wife will hit me up to provide me with a long list of all of the things that her husband is doing wrong. When I just hear it from her end, it's easy to think that her husband is a living hell. Oh, but let him tell his side, and more times than not, I get that what he's doing is a reaction to what has been said or done to him—by his wife. That they both have created the mess that they are in.
When it comes to heartbreak, I've definitely had some doozies and known some asses. The more I heal, though, the more I can see some of my own missteps. The reason why that is so important for me to do is because I'm able to acknowledge how I got into the relationship, along with the poor choices that I made, so that I can avoid getting into similar situations, moving forward.
If you're trying to get over an ex and you are totally unwilling to see and then accept what you could've done to make the relationship better/healthier (and I don't mean that passive-aggressive "I loved him too much" mess than somehow still soothes your ego; I mean, "I was too controlling" or "I was impatient"…the real stuff), that oftentimes means that the wound is so fresh that it hurts to step on your stuff. The more you heal, the easier it will be able to do, though. Trust me.
5.He’s Not Able to “Double Dutch” in Your Life
There's a guy in my life who, it took me much longer than it should have for me to get over him. I think a part of it was because I lacked that "balanced perspective" that I referenced. Plus, he's super charming (the Bible says that charm is deceitful; don't be impressed with it—Proverbs 31:30), so he oftentimes would do just enough to keep me emotionally invested in some level without him having to fully commit. Because of this, it was very easy for him to Double Dutch (you know, go in and out, in and out) of my life.
Amazingly, after all of that, we've managed to remain a few steps up from just being "cool". I can tell that I really am completely over and healed from the situation because, when he came through to pick up something, saw some roses in my living room, and inquired who they were from my total energy was, "Boy, bye". I didn't care what he thought. The way he tried to flirt to reel me back in was futile. I wasn't mad, giddy, or triggered. I was just…over it.
One of the reasons why I'm such a fan of initial break-ups being clean breaks is so that people don't have to go through (or is it send themselves through?) a lot of what I can personally relate to. Sometimes, when it comes to an ex, we keep going around and around and around like Keith Sweat once sang about because it seems easier to keep "some" of the guy in our life than to have none of him at all. Yet that's the thing—break-ups happen because one or both people aren't able to give their all or two people don't mesh well enough to give their all. So, it's really best to just leave well enough alone so that they both can get to their better "fit".
Does this mean that I think exes aren't capable of getting back together? What I will say is, that when it comes to healthy and progressive dynamics, that tends to be the exception and not the rule. Either way, being "on" one day and "off" the next, for weeks, months, or even years on end, is just wasting your time and causing the attachment to grow deeper. Bottom line, if you keep letting him in and out of your life, you're not being fair to yourself. You're also allowing him to get too many of the benefits without much of the responsibility.
Eventually, more times than not, that is a straight-up recipe for disaster. And could end up taking you so much longer to heal from…it all.
6.You Clearly See Where You’ve Grown
When it comes to most break-ups, there's a season when all you can think about is how the end of the relationship is hurting you. You might even think that it is ruining your life. As you start to heal, though, you begin to notice some silver linings that you probably didn't see coming. Maybe the break-up has taught you to love yourself more. Maybe the break-up has revealed some cyclic patterns that you need to break. Perhaps the break-up has taught you how to be more tolerant or forgiving or—the other side of the coin—to set better boundaries. Maybe now you can see how you've become more sure of yourself and how to not settle. Could it be that the break-up has you more emotionally aware and mentally centered than you've ever been?
The thing about relationships is, if we're really paying attention, they are lessons. And the purpose of a lesson is to teach us something. When we learn, our minds expand. As a result, there is growth. When you're able to step back from a relationship and be like, "Yeah, it hurt. But man, it taught me this, this and this and I'm all the better for it", not only does that also reveal that you've healed—it has taken a lot of the power away that the person and relationship once had in your life. You can thank it and him for how it influenced you to become who you are. So that you can move on—fully and peacefully.
7.You’re Able to Wish Him Well
How many of y'all rolled your eyes when you read this point and then followed that expression up with, "Wish him well…for what?" Listen, author Dr. Wayne W. Dyer once said something about karma that a lot of people could stand to blow up and hang in their office as a daily reality check—"How people treat you is their karma. How you react is yours." Some of my exes? When I tell you that I don't ever have to see them again and even never would be too soon, I mean that from the very bottom of my heart. At the same time, I don't want any harm or even hurt to come to them. Why? Because I'm over it. Folks who tend to hold vengeance in their heart are usually people who are still putting way too much energy into a person or situation. Or both.
While I'm all about setting some boundaries up in here so that I won't be hurt again (and so I won't have to keep reliving a lesson that life has already taught me) when it comes to eh, 95 percent of the people who have hurt me before—whether professionally or personally—I can definitely send light and good energy into their direction because the reality is, at one point, something was good enough about them that caused us to have a connection. And so, just like I was able to grow and move forward, I hope they are able to do the same.
Healing isn't easy. Don't let anyone tell you something different. The only thing that's harder is to think that you've healed when you actually haven't. I hope all of this provided a bit more clarity for if you have fully healed from an ex—or not. If you have, celebrate yourself. If you haven't—be gentle with your being while still acknowledging that there is more work to do—for your greater good.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
Courtesy
When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
Courtesy
Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
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The End Of The Road? Zoë Kravitz And Channing Tatum Reportedly Split
Rumors are circulating that Zoë Kravitz and Channing Tatum's engagement has come to an end. Adding to the intrigue, two hours prior to the news of their split becoming public, Channing celebrated the exciting announcement that he and Zoë would reunite for an upcoming alien invasion movie entitled Alpha Gang.
Some folks are saying that October is now “uncuffing season” as partners won’t have to deal with the weight and expectations that come with this time of year. From matching Halloween costumes to voting to Thanksgiving and Christmas, it seems the new cuffing season has moved to January.
In August 2021, Zoë and Channing were first rumored to be romantically involved after being photographed riding together through the streets of New York City on a BMX bike. The following month, they were seen leaving the Met Gala together, and Tatum confirmed their relationship on Halloween by posting a picture of them wearing a couples costume from Martin Scorsese's iconic 1976 film Taxi Driver on Instagram.
Instagram/@channingtatum
After collaborating on Zoë's directorial debut, Blink Twice, where Channing played a starring role, their relationship blossomed into a full-out romance. Approximately a year later, the Step Up star popped the question.
Because the streets are always watching, PEOPLE reported that Channing joined Zoë in seeing a production of a play by Blink Twice costar Levon Hawke in New York City's Red Hook neighborhood on Oct. 6. Most recently, Kravitz has been seen in public without her engagement ring, notably during an outing with her Big Little Lies co-star Shailene Woodley.
So the news of the split kinda comes as a surprise as we were just oozing over the couple’s undeniable chemistry during their Blink Twice press run in August. Channing and Zoë openly discussed their relationship and collaborated on multiple videos that went viral.
Even proud papa Lenny Kravitz gave his approval. During an interview with BBC’s Radio 2, he said, "He was raised well. So, you know, he’s got manners. He’s charming. He’s a soulful human being. And so, he’s become part of the family quite quickly. He fits and they're in love. We’re going to have a wedding next year."
As we mourn this breakup, let’s run back some memorable moments from the possibly uncoupled pair.
"Art is our love language."
When asked about future collaborations with her boo during the premiere of Blink Twice on Aug. 23, Zoë shared, "I think it's what we love, and we love talking about it, and experiencing it, and supporting each other.” Channing chimed in saying, “This is what I'll say about creating with someone that you are with or love: I suggest it. If you are thinking about having a kid or if you're thinking about getting married, go find the hardest possible creative project with your partner.”
“I got you forever.”
Channing took to Instagram to share an adoring photo of him holding Zoë. He captioned the photo, “This little sweet. She So tired bro. Every time I wondered if she’d break…. She just kept going and going and going. Always on the dig for truth. She pour’d every single ounce of her into this film. I’m so proud to stand ten toes down for her, this film and everyone in it. forever. Knowing what it took to make it. No one will ever know.”
The last line took us out: “Thank you for finding me and seeing me. I got you forever. Me and you back to back against it all. I’ll never blink. Let’s go. #blinktwice”
GOAT Talk
On Complex’s GOAT Talk, a show where stars are prompted to reveal their favorites of all time, Channing and Zoë disclosed their go-to song for singing in the shower, their beloved ad-lib line from Blink Twice, and their stance on conspiracy theories and their favorite rapper. The moment Channing challenged Zoë’s answer that Catwoman is the best superhero of all time was just too cute.
“The Lie Detector determined…”
The cast of Blink Twice underwent Vanity Fair's well-known lie detector test, facing a barrage of probing questions. Among the inquiries were: Did Channing Tatum and Naomi Watts ever irritate Zoë Kravitz during the filming of Blink Twice? Did Naomi ever pilfer anything from the set? Did Channing's portrayal of Gambit in Deadpool & Wolverine surpass his personal expectations?
Best of all were the moments you saw Zoë and Channing look at each other adoringly and when they would finish each other sentences. “We are equally cool,” Zoë beamed.
Puppy Love
The pair hung out with BuzzFeed and a slew of adorable puppies while chatting about their favorite improvised moment on set, who has the best rizz — which is apparently Channing according to Zoë — and their first impressions of each other. Not only did they binge-watch Love Island together but they also boasted they would win Love Is Blind if they were on the show.
The Pressure
Zoë Kravitz recently sat down with Esquirefor an interview and got real about her thoughts on becoming a parent. She shared that she's always kinda thought motherhood might not be her thing. “For a long time, I felt like there was something wrong with me. I was waiting for this light to go off in my head, and it never did. When you’re younger, you’re like, ‘Well, I can’t have kids. I’m too young! It’d be crazy.’”
Her viewpoint on childbirth and parenthood has evolved as she has matured and witnessed the societal pressure placed on women to reproduce. While she recognizes the immense strength and courage required to carry and raise a child, Kravitz believes that women should not be made to feel obligated to do so.
Zoë continued, “For a lot of people that have children, it is this giant, life-changing event – and I do think there is a certain amount of focus and respect that they should get from their community. There’s a lot of pressure on women to have children, and there’s a feeling that if you don’t, you don’t have purpose here.” The director feels a special connection to her new movie akin to giving birth.
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