I’ve always enjoyed movies. Since forever, I used to really like going to the movie theater, yet maybe it’s just me, but since the pandemic, it seems like the quality of films has gone down. That’s why, these days, I watch a lot of indie stuff at home. Not too long ago, I checked out this movie called She’s Lost Control; between it and a conversation that I had with a friend of mine, who also works in the mental health field, I was inspired to pen this piece.
Should You See a Sex Therapist?
There are a few reasons why I thought it was important to tackle this topic. One is because, as a life coach, I think it’s important that people learn about as many avenues as possible that are available to them when it comes to professional support for their overall mental (and emotional) health and well-being. Two, if you hang out on this side of cyberspace on a fairly consistent basis, you know that I talk about sex quite often. And three, lawd, if there is one thing that I think a lot of people have a TOTAL MISCONCEPTION about, it’s sex therapy.
So, if sex therapy is something that you’ve always been curious about and/or you’re wondering if it’s something that could benefit you and/or your partner, I’m going to try and share some facts and also debunk a few myths about it, so that you can gain about more clarity about an ever-evolving form of sex-and-relationship-related treatment.
What Is a Sex Therapist?
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So, let’s jump right on in. Before getting into the actual “sex” part, it should go on record that, like any other therapist, a sex therapist is someone who is a licensed healthcare provider. The thing that sets them apart is they specialize in the mental and emotional aspects as they directly relate to sex. What does that mean exactly? Well, say, for example, that you’re currently in a sexless marriage and, even though you and your spouse have been seeing a marriage therapist, counselor, or even a marriage counselor, it doesn’t seem like your sex life is improving — that is when a sex therapist might be able to be of assistance to you. That’s because they are specially trained to deal with things like:
- Sexual trauma
- Sexual incompatibility
- Poor sexual communication surrounding sex
- Religious and cultural differences about sex
- Poor body image issues (as they directly relate to your sexuality)
- Sexual anxiety
- Sexual orientation and gender identity
A sex therapist is also trained in how to help you connect any “blocks” that you may have as it relates to how your mental and emotional state may be directly affecting your sexual appetite or even your ability (or inability) to have an orgasm or when it comes to your partner, his ability to get or maintain an erection.
When it comes to that last part, does that mean that sex therapists get sexually involved with their clients in any way? Ah, I’m so glad that you asked.
The Difference Between a Sex Therapist and a Sex Surrogate
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One day, while I was talking to a friend of mine (the one whom I referred to in the intro), the topic of sex therapy came up. He asked me if I would ever consider becoming a sex life coach since sex is something that I talk about so often/much. When I told him that it was certainly something worth considering, his immediate response was, “How are you gonna do that if you’re abstinent?” Dude what? At first, I didn’t get where he was going with that; then, I realized that he thought a sex therapist and a sex surrogate were the same thing. In fact, he argued me down about it for about 15 minutes (SMDH). I came to realize that a lot of people confuse the two. If you’re one of them, here’s the deal about sexual surrogacy.
Okay, so the movie that I also talked about in the intro? It’s about a woman who was a sex surrogate. Long story short, she ended up getting emotionally caught up in one of her clients, and that caused things to get…strange. And yes, she was someone who slept with those she worked with (at least, some of them).
Why would she do that?
Well, a sex surrogate is someone who works alongside a licensed sex therapist to assist a client with certain types of sex-related issues.
For instance, if the therapist thought that talking wasn’t enough for someone, they might bring a surrogate in to assist in the realm of things like:
- Body mapping (check out “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey”)
- Sex-related mediation (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”)
- Senate focusing (which is an intensified form of sexual communication)
- Elevated sex education
- One-way or mutual nudity
- One-way or mutual touching
- Genital-genital contact — which, yes, can involve sex
Typically, what happens is a client will meet with a sex therapist for an hour and then their assigned sex surrogate for 1-2 hours following that session (sometimes the same day or later in the same week). That way, the therapist can help to monitor the progress between the client and the surrogate.
And who does sex surrogacy benefit the most? While there is still quite a bit of research that’s being conducted to thoroughly answer that question, those who are unable to climax, who deal with erectile dysfunction, or those who experience some sort of discomfort during sex (that isn’t health-related), especially if they are sexual trauma survivors, they all tend to top the list.
Now, something else that should go on record is sexual surrogacy is still a pretty controversial form of therapy and is currently considered to be unethical for those who are psychotherapists to practice. However, since a lot of sex surrogates aren’t actually licensed therapists (again, they are people who work with those who are professionals in the field of therapy), that tends to be their “workaround."
Anyway, if sex surrogacy is something that you would be interested in learning even more about or exploring at some point, speak with a sex therapist. If they are reputable, this is a topic that they should be pretty well-versed in.
What To Know Before Seeing a Sex Therapist
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Now that, hopefully, you know the very clear differences between a sex therapist and a sex surrogate, if a sex therapist is something that you would like to invest in, you might be wondering if there are any additional things that you should know before actually booking an appointment.
I’ll say this — as a marriage life coach, sex comes up quite a bit in my sessions. If you’re someone who is shy around the topic of sex, although a sex therapist is trained in how to make you feel more comfortable, you should know upfront that you’re going to have to be prepared to be very open when it comes to things like your childhood; first sexual experience; any sex-related trauma that may have transpired; some of your deepest/hidden sexual thoughts; your sex partners (both past and present); your sex habits, and sex-related goals.
Yep, they are gonna be all up in your business, so if that’s not something that you’re even the least bit cool with, it’s probably best that you go with a relationship therapist/counselor/life coach — at least initially, to see if your issues can be resolved in that type of setting or so they can “ease you into” seeing a sex therapist.
It's also important to keep in mind that you don’t have to be in a relationship to see a sex therapist — they are equipped to work with you by yourself or with your partner (or both at some point). And if you’re wondering if something “deep” or “super complex” has to be happening for you to see a sex therapist, absolutely not. The main thing to keep in mind is if you want to see someone who deals in the realms of all things sex, a sex therapist is what you’re looking for.
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So, how do you go about finding a sex therapist? Good question. If you are already in relationship-related counseling, your therapist/counselor/life coach may be able to refer you. Or you can check out the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) database.
At the end of the day, sex therapy is like any other form of therapy — you’re just honing in on your sex life. That’s it.
I hope you can breathe easy now. Oh, and please spread the word.
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RELATED
Mercury enters Sagittarius on November 2, will be retrograde from Nov. 25 until Dec. 15, and will be in this sign until Jan. 8, 2025. Mercury in Sagittarius is bold and outspoken but, in retrograde, can come across as impulsive and brash. Thinking before speaking is important right now, and so is considering your values and interests before committing to something new. Since Sagittarius rules long-distance travel, this isn’t the best time to plan a new trip or to rush the ones already in place.
Consider where you want to be, and take your time getting there.
What to Expect from Mercury Retrograde in Sagittarius
A little more than a week after Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, Mars goes retrograde in Leo. With these important transits happening in fire signs, energy can be misdirected right now. It’s about looking at the full picture and not overwhelming yourself with too many options or interests. Take your passions and align them with your heart and willpower, without confusing inspiration with ego. Emotions are running high, yet this activation is creating a breakthrough in personal development before the year ends.
Read below to see how this Mercury retrograde transit will be for you. Read for your sun sign and rising sign.
ARIES
Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, and you are focused on the bigger picture right now, Aries. With Mercury retrograde in your 9th house of adventure over the next few weeks, this is the time to expect the unexpected and to go at your own pace. Don’t rush the clarity that is meant to bloom for you right now, and take things one day at a time.
Even if you don’t have all the answers you need right now, there are still some important truths and insights to gain. You are in the process of reinventing yourself and your life, and the universe is helping you get the space in order to do so. If you are traveling over the next few weeks, remember to be flexible and to go over plans thoroughly.
TAURUS
Mercury goes retrograde, and you enter a time of change and rebirth, Taurus. This transit, for you, is an opportunity to gain balance, perspective, and empowerment. Your commitments and close partnerships are being addressed right now, and you are seeing where your needs are being met and where they aren’t. You are on a journey of letting go and allowing more, and this is the time to focus on being more flexible rather than controlling outcomes.
This retrograde could also be affecting your shared finances and earnings, and this is a good time to take another look at the money coming in and the money going out and make sure things are in order here. Trust your intuition right now, Taurus.
GEMINI
Mercury goes retrograde in your sister sign, Sagittarius, and you are ready for a fresh perspective in love. This retrograde will highlight your 7th house of partnership, connection, romance, and inner harmony, and your heart is figuring things out right now. Confusion or disagreements are more likely within your relationship dynamics, and this is the time to address what your partnerships need.
If you have been feeling out of balance when it comes to love, then this is the time to get things back on track.
This Mercury retrograde is helping you gain a new perspective and reminds you that you deserve the love you are looking for. Use this time to forgive, grow, and use better judgment regarding matters of the heart and the relationships you are building in your life right now.
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CANCER
This Mercury retrograde transit for you is a chance to gain some renewed clarity regarding your health, well-being, and work life. You could be feeling more pressure to perform and have it all together on the job, and there is a need to delegate, let go, and take care of your health more right now, Cancer.
This transit will highlight where some cracks are seeping, where you may need to build stronger foundations and healthier daily routines, and also how you can manage a better work/life balance. Your daily lifestyle may feel a little more difficult to find consistency in right now, and this is because new avenues and perspectives are waiting for you to grab ahold of. Overall, use this time to listen to your inner voice and do more of what feels right for you and your body.
LEO
Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, and this transit highlights your 5th house of romance, creativity, passion, and happiness, Leo. This retrograde is an opportunity for you to address what and who makes you happy and how you can show up more for these fortunate experiences in your life. You are looking at if you’ve been making your happiness as much of a priority as it should be this year and also taking a look at what sources help you align with that energy altogether.
This time is about being a little bit more flexible, doing things differently, and being open to a new perspective. Relationship developments are also providing your heart more clarity right now, and you are balancing your needs with the needs of your partnerships and creative ventures.
VIRGO
Your ruling planet Mercury goes retrograde before the year ends, and this is helping you rebuild your foundations, Virgo. Mercury will be retrograde in an area of your life that has to do with your home, history, family, and emotional stability- and you are getting a new grasp on things here.
Where you have been planting your seeds and building for your future are coming up for review during this time, and you are gaining clarity on which of these foundations is stable enough to continue to build upon. You could be feeling less secure than you would like to right now, and this change of pace is helping you reassess your goals and figure out what is worth it for you and the legacy you want to live.
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LIBRA
Mercury goes retrograde in Sagittarius, and the focus turns towards your communication channels, Libra. Mercury retro is already a more chaotic time when it comes to communication, and with this retrograde also happening in your 3rd house of insight and communication, you may feel this heaviness a little more right now.
This transit, for you, is about taking your time getting your message across, being patient while traveling and running errands, and giving yourself space to gain some new clarity.
Meditation, journaling, and talking to someone who can support you are therapeutic, and know that your voice deserves to be heard. You are looking at ways you can take up more space and show up in the world without letting your insecurities keep you away from true connection, vulnerability, and understanding.
SCORPIO
This Mercury retrograde is happening in your 2nd house of income, values, assets, and self-confidence, and you are taking a step back to assess your current reality, especially financially, Scorpio. This is a good time to go over your spending habits and earnings, to find greater balance here, and to think about some of your financial goals moving forward.
Look at your resources, skills, and talents, and make sure what you are receiving is equal to or greater than what you have been giving. Less is more right now, and this isn’t the best time to overspend or overindulge, as you need more time to grasp your current stance on things, and how to increase your overall wealth and abundance.
SAGITTARIUS
With this Mercury retrograde happening in your sign, it’s hitting a little closer to home for you, Sagittarius. This is a good time to refine your goals and direction in life and how you want to show up right now. You deserve to be able to change your mind when you need to, and you are thinking about some of the things you have done and what you want to do moving forward.
Miscommunications are more likely while Mercury is in retrograde, but you can use this as a source of empowerment, knowing that you are living in your truth and allowing yourself room to grow in the process. Remember to be a little kinder to yourself during this transit and to give yourself the grace you need right now.
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CAPRICORN
This Mercury retrograde for you, Capricorn, is about rest and taking care of your emotional world. You are being given the opportunity to spend more time alone, to gather your strength, and to heal before you enter the new year. A lot has happened, and there have been many changes in your world this year. This Mercury retrograde is here to help you find acceptance and closure.
You are in a preparation stage right now, and things can feel a little more lonesome in this energy, but with a different perspective, you can see just how much of this space your heart truly needs right now. The past is coming up for you to see things in a new light, and you are ready to gain some renewed insight, closure, and healing.
AQUARIUS
This Mercury retrograde highlights your friendships, community, and your hopes and dreams, Aquarius. You are being reminded of the importance of connection, but more significantly, of good connections. You are looking at who and what surrounds you right now and gaining clarity on whether this energy matches who you are and the things that you stand for.
Your social circle and the people around you are shifting as the power dynamics do, and you are finding your place and purpose amidst this change. It’s about identifying who and what makes you feel good and aligning things in your life to bring in more of that energy. Don’t be discouraged right now; find your people and ask for support.
PISCES
Your career and ambitions are the focus during this Mercury retrograde, Pisces. You have a lot to address here, and you are gathering your skills and talents and reminding yourself that you are worthy of your dreams. Miscommunications and setbacks are more likely within your professional world, but they are here to ask you if what you are striving for, is really what you need right now.
You are thinking a lot about how you show up in the world, what you want to be known for, and what successes you still want to obtain. This isn’t the time to let anyone’s idea or vision of you define who you are; rather, define that for yourself. Show up as you want to be seen, and don’t count yourself out right now, Pisces.
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The burgundy gown featuring a mesh torso embroidered with embellished florals and a draped silk-taffeta skirt is one of the greatest moments in red carpet history. “There are some moments in life that just happen and they change our lives forever! Winning an Academy Award in my Elie Saab gown was one of those moments for me,” Berry wrote on Instagram. “Thank you Mr. Saab for being a part of the tapestry of my life as we have been inextricably connected for 22 years now! It was my honor to celebrate you and your 1001 seasons.”
Along with her history-making win, the dress has also been a monumental moment for Black women shattering glass ceilings in Hollywood on one of the biggest Oscar moments to date.
It’s no secret that Black actresses have been excluded from being styled by high-end designer brands and denied clothing throughout the years. When Beyoncé received the Fashion Icon Award at the 2016 CFDA Awards, she revealed high-end labels refused to dress Destiny's Child during their career because they "didn’t really want to dress four Black, country, curvy girls." Law Roach, best known for styling Hollywood’s elite, shared how difficult it's been to dress Black clients in top fashion houses.
During a discussion on The Cutting Room Floor podcast, he expressed these frustrations early on in Zendaya’s career. “I would write the big five,” said Roach, as reported by Variety. “I would write Saint Laurent, Chanel, Gucci, Valentino, Dior, and they would all say, ‘No, try again next year. She’s too green. She’s not on our calendar.”
He continued, “She still has never worn Dior on a carpet. She still has never worn Chanel on a carpet…still never worn Gucci on a carpet — any press, any appearance, never. Never,” explained the 45-year-old. “The first time she wore Valentino in public was when she had a contract…When I said, ‘If you say no, it’ll be a no forever,’ that rang true for a long, long time.”
While red carpet fashion has been an uphill battle for Black Hollywood and their stylists, there have been countless times when Black women have been the moment encapsulating beauty and glamour each award season:
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Who: Halle Berry
Where: 2002 Oscars
Designer: Elie Saab
Aaliyah at the 2000 MTV VMAs.
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Who: Aaliyah
Where: 2000 MTV Video Music Awards
Designer: Robert Cavalli
Frank Trapper/Corbis via Getty Images
Who: Whitney Houston
Where: 1994 Oscars
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Who: Beyoncé
Where: 2015 Met Gala
Designer: Givenchy
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Who: Lupita Nyong’o
Where: 2014 Academy Awards
Designer: Prada
Kayla Oaddams/WireImage
Who: Angela Bassett
Where: 2023 Oscars
Designer: Moschino
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Who: Lupita Nyong’o
Where: Oscars 2015
Designer: Calvin Klein
Who: Zoë Kravitz
Where: 2022 London Batman Premiere
Designer: Saint Laurent by Anthony Vaccarello
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Who:Yara Shahidi
Where: 2023 Met Gala
Designer: Jean Paul Gaultier
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