The man I loved epitomized all of the obvious signs that he had checked out of our relationship. I honestly didn't know what to do.
He stopped making me a priority, he wouldn't return my calls, and he had even forgotten to show up for our date night once. Despite those happenings, somehow I had missed the telltale signs that this man wasn't feeling me anymore! Broken-hearted doesn't even describe what I felt when I realized that his disinterest was fact and not fiction.
I could tell things were falling apart, but like most women, I wanted to give him one more chance in hopes that things would change. Newsflash: they won't, and they certainly didn't.
It's time we reclaim our time from "ain't sh-t" men, and allow the signs we see to act as warnings to check out of the relationship before the water runs dry. Here are 6 definite signs that it's time to break up with him, girl.
1.The Silent Treatment
Girl, if your once slightly talkative boyfriend won't talk to you anymore, it's cause for concern. Communication is completely vital to a healthy and vibrant relationship. No partnership can exist without proper communication.
Rationally speaking, not every man is a chatterbox. In fact, this sign may be much harder to evaluate with the quiet, stoic types. But trust me, if he used to ask you about your day and would genuinely listen but doesn't care to know at all anymore, he's emotionally disconnected.
There are ebbs and flows in every relationship, so it's important to discern whether your man has truly lost interest, or if he's going through something completely unrelated. Communication is key, so don't be afraid to ask questions. Tell him how his sudden silence is making you feel. If he still refuses to show interest after you express your concern, pack your bags, sis. It's time to break up.
2.You Feel More Like An Option Than A Priority
Don't you just love the puppy stages of a relationship? Where he's seemingly all you can think about, and you're all he can think about? Ahhh. For a short time, it's absolute romantic bliss that you don't want to go away.
But it all stops when you're suddenly pushed further and further down his priorities list. You used to be the first person he'd call when he got off work, but you're noticing your phone is getting drier and drier. Does this sound familiar? Girl, he's showing you EXACTLY what you mean to him. My mother used to tell me, "A man makes time for what he wants," and if he's not making time for you, he doesn't want you anymore.
Life gets busy, but it's important that the person you choose effectively chooses you back. Your partner should be willing to do what it takes to prioritize your wants and needs, just like you would for him. Does this mean that he has to stop hanging out with people he knew before you or putting energy into hobbies he loves? Absolutely not. But balance is important, especially when it comes to maintaining a healthy and functioning adult relationship. You don't need him to be laid up under you 24/7, but weekly date nights might be important for your connection. Would you really want a man that doesn't make you a priority?
3.The Sex Is Whack
Now, we all can tell when the sex isn't good anymore. It's like the plague hit your house, and you're an Egyptian calling out for help from God. What is a girl to do? The once highly sexual man that rubbed your feet every night and gave you head on-demand all of a sudden isn't "interested" anymore. This is a tell-tale sign that he's pulling away from you. From my knowledge, it takes A LOT for a man to emotionally disconnect from you, but when he's unable to be physical, well sista, you're in a world of trouble. Rather than stick around and be unhappy, find a man that can hit it right, day and night. You get the gist.
4.His Future Plans Don't Include You
When your partner starts to say things like, "You're really going to make someone happy someday," or "I can't make you happy", it's a sign that he can see a future with you, but one without him in it. If you have never heard this statement from a man, go ahead and click away from this article, you're on a winning streak that I don't want to mess up! But, if you're like me, some f-ckboy has spoken these earth-shattering words to you, and you didn't know what to do.
I'm here to tell you, when your partner says these things, it's usually to gauge your reaction to their apparent shift in the relationship. The best thing to do is accept it, address it, and move on. No one's got time to harbor unspoken feelings. Let this man go "find himself" on his own time, not yours.
Related: The 4 Types Of F-ckboys & How To Avoid Dating Them
5.Y He Mad Tho?
If you've got a Kevin Hart for the first few months of a relationship who turned into George Jefferson all of a sudden, run for the hills girl, this man has changed! It's an apparent shift in the paradigm of your relationship when your partner consistently gets angry over the smallest things you do. Their perpetual annoyance is… well.. annoying, and indicative of someone that isn't interested in being around you anymore. If your partner acts this way, it's usually because they don't want to hurt your feelings and can't admit that they're finished. In my experience, this happens so that YOU can be the one to end it and relieve him of doing the the dirty deed himself.
6.Your Gut Won't Lie
It's the woman's intuition. All women are equipped with a compass that tells us which direction to go. This subconscious intervention will alert you if things aren't safe, and will allow you to determine whether or not you should run for the hills.
I'm here to tell you, LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE! She's never steered you wrong! Think back, has there ever been a time when you just all of a sudden "knew" that something wasn't right with your man, but you couldn't tell what it was? It's like a little person inside your head is saying, "Girl, don't trust this fool. Don't give him your p-ssy," and yet you did it anyway?
THAT'S the voice we need to start listening to. It's time we start taking orders from her, and not the hairy sister in our panties. Like men, sometimes we let our hormones take the driver's seat, but in this instance, they need to ride along like a happy passenger. Trust those vibes and feelings because your instincts never lie.
Ladies, please understand, the power is yours! Time's up for the damsel in distress calling out for a prince to save her. There is no time life for the sister circles filled with advice on how to get your man back, and tutorials on how to make things work. The truth is, sometimes things aren't meant to work, and that's alright.
Better things come together when good things fall apart. So grab your incense, light it up, and relax. If these signs ever appear in your relationship, they are an omen that it's time to clear your life of toxic energy.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Since the focus today is on hyperpigmentation, let me break that down a bit further. Basically, what gives your skin pigment is melanin. Well, when your skin cells end up getting damaged or injured, oftentimes your body’s response is to create more melanin as a part of the healing process. Problem is, sometimes your system overproduces melanin, and that can lead to darker patches of skin. This can especially be the case for our skin since we naturally produce more melanin anyway.
When hyperpigmentation transpires, we usually want to get rid of it as soon as possible. And while doing things like applying sunscreen, using skin lightening products, and even taking certain vitamins can help — the main thing to do is incorporate a gentle skincare regimen and then use patience with it. If you don’t and you go overboard in your approach, you could look up and end up with hyperpigmentation issues that are far worse (and longer lasting) than they were to begin with.
How? I’ll explain.
Using Products That Create Breakouts
GiphyWho likes getting a pimple? For me, though, what pisses me off to no end is that there is about a 70 percent chance that if one pops up, some sort of hyperpigmentation is going to be left behind whether I mess with it or not. Ugh. The reason why is because zits bring inflammation and inflammation can trigger hyperpigmentation.
So, you know what that means, right? It’s important to do all that you can to avoid getting a pimple in the first place and that includes not using products that will clog up your pores or irritate your skin like lanolin, thick butters (especially on your face), mineral oil, D&C coloring, a fatty acid called isopropyl palmitate — these are a few things that can lead to breakouts, if you’re not careful. That’s why it’s always a good idea to read the labels of the things before purchasing them.
Oh, and when it comes to things like shea and mango butter, it’s usually best to use them on other parts of your body than your face (because your face is more fragile than, say, your arms or legs).
Doing Too Much Exfoliating
GiphyI am a fan of DIY chemical peels; so much so that I wrote an entire article about it a couple of years ago (check out “I've Been Doing At-Home Chemical Peels. Here Are The Pros And Cons.”). The things that I like most about them are they are a super-effective way to exfoliate and even out my skin tone. That said, though, be careful with doing too much exfoliating whether it’s via a chemical peel, a skin scrub or even dry brushing.
Not only can over-exfoliating irritate your skin, it can dry it out, cause lots of skin flakes, lead to inflamed skin — and all of this can result in hyperpigmentation as your skin is in the process of “getting back to normal.” So, just how often should you exfoliate? Unless your skin is really oily, 1-2 times a week is more than enough (2-3 if it is on the oily side).
Layering with Too Many Products
GiphyOh, I know — if you watch too many of those TikTok and Instagram videos where women are applying 6-10 products on their face before adding any make-up to it, it can tempt you to follow suit. Use some caution with that, though. Each skincare product comes with its own list of ingredients and every time you add something else that has another set of ingredients onto it, that increases the chances of you irritating your skin or causing it to break out.
My two cents would be to ease into each product. Start with one thing and, if it’s all good (after about a week or so), incorporate another. Oh, and try to keep it down to 3-5 skincare products tops. When it comes to effective skin routines “less is more” is a motto to live by. Otherwise, redness, flaking and hyperpigmentation may be in your future.
Using Skincare Products That Contain Fragrance
GiphyAlthough applying skincare products that have a nice scent to them can cause your skin to smell amazing, sometimes they can be both an irritant as well as an allergen — and that can cause your skin’s barrier to weaken or become really irritated. And again, whenever your skin is damaged in some way, the recovery process can lead to hyperpigmentation. So, it really is best to avoid scented skin products at all costs (if you want flawless skin, that is).
Applying Too Much Heat
GiphyBet you didn’t see this one coming. How about increased blood flow, over time, can lead to hyperpigmentation. Basically, it’s because of the fact that, sometimes, too much consistent blood flow can result in skin inflammation and, as we already discussed, when the body is healing from inflammation, that can sometimes cause hyperpigmentation to occur.
The takeaway here: use sunscreen when you’re outdoors and try to keep those scorching hot showers to a minimum. Being in warm water for between 7-10 minutes is ideal.
Not Testing Products (Especially Acids) on Your Arm First
GiphySomething that definitely keeps my skin glowing is certain acids: hyaluronic acid, mandelic acid and kojic acid soap (oh and some vitamin C extract too), especially. All of these are pretty good on darker skin tones; however, because we all are different, before applying any acid to your skin, make sure to test it on your arm first (and wait 48 hours, just to be sure that the coast is clear).
Trust me, I know of what I speak because I once tried some pretty potent pineapple extract on my face once and it mildly burned the lower part of my right cheek to the point where it took about four months before everything turned back to normal. Hmph, if I can keep anyone from experiencing that drama, I absolutely will.
7. Experimenting with Harsh Essential Oils
GiphyListen, if you want a zit to go away, damn near overnight, apply some tea tree oil to it. Just make sure that you dilute it with a light carrier oil (like grapeseed, jojoba or rosehip oil) first. Why? Oh, I have learned from very up close and personal experience that certain essential oils can also burn your skin and, as we’ve already discussed, ad nauseum at this point, damaged skin typically results in hyperpigmentation on some level. Yeah, essential oils are a blessing. They are also nothing to play with. Dilute, dilute, DILUTE.
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You know, they say that it can take several weeks, if not many months, for hyperpigmentation to totally fade away. Hmph. To me, that’s even more incentive to do all that you can to avoid it transpiring in the first place — and that includes NOT incorporating counterproductive skincare routines and regimens.
The more you know, sis. For real.
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