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6 Genuine Signs You're Making An Emotional Connection With Your Sex Partner
I've shared before that back in my sexually active days, a pattern that I had was having sex with my friends. While some friends were closer than others and some of the "others" turned into more serious relationships, I don't personally know what it's like to have sex with a stranger or even someone I don't know well. However, I definitely do know people who prefer the opposite of everything that I just said. Casual sex is their preference, for a myriad of reasons. All of us have our own paths. Indeed.
One of my "casual sex homies" has recently found themselves feeling some type of way about their current partner. At first, they thought it was just that the sex was really good. A few months in, though, and they are starting to sense that it could be about a lot more than that.
More Than Sex: 6 Signs You Have an Emotional Connection During Sex
So, in honor of them — gasp! — cultivating an emotional connection, I thought I would share a few genuine signs that you're making a genuine emotional connection with your sex partner and a few reasons why I think that is indeed the case.
1. Missionary Happens. Often.
You know what's interesting? Back when I was in my 20s, I heard a lot of people frown on the missionary position. They called it things like "boring", "bland" and "old-fashioned". Meanwhile, folks who are in their mid-30s and up and/or are in a serious relationship, tend to be quite fond of it. Rave reviews like "you can maintain eye contact that way", "you're able to feel really close to your partner" and "it's super intimate" are what I hear, more than a little bit.
I think a part of the reason is that, when you're at a point and place where you want to have sex for more than "get off" reasons, you're not necessarily looking for a position that will help you to climax the fastest; it's more about discovering ways where you and your partner can really get close, "melt into one another"…bond.
Listen, I started being sexually active in college. There's a lot of raging hormones at that time and sex is definitely more about curiosity and getting your rocks off more than cultivating anything that would fall under the category of special or highly significant. That said, if you've got someone who is always trying to put you in doggy style and frowns upon missionary (or some variation of it), ask them why. While I'll be the first to say that all positions have their benefits, remember, we're talking about emotional connections here and since the eyes are indeed the window to the soul, wouldn't it make sense that the two of you would look at each other, at least a little bit, during the act?
2. Sex Isn’t Taken So Seriously
I remember once reading that some of the benefits that come from having a sense of humor and laughing a lot are they both help to decrease stress while also boosting immunity, improving one's moods, decreasing pain, and — get this — stimulating organs. That last one happens because, when you laugh, you get more oxygen into your system; this, in turn, causes your brain to release endorphins which can bring pleasure and help to calm you down as well.
If the relationship is new and/or you're just having sex for the first time, it makes sense that you may feel some tension or anxiety. However, once you've been with someone for a while, there's no need for sex to feel like a performance where you'll be judged or that you have to be somber all of the time. Sex should be about having a lot of fun and that includes being able to laugh with each other. Whether it's during foreplay, the act, or afterplay, if the two of you can joke around and not take things so seriously, that's another pretty good indication that you're in a great place — emotionally.
3. Communication (Not Just Dirty Talk) Happens During the Act
Something that someone said to me, not too long ago, is they feel the most powerful style of communication is sex. Personally, I really dig that perspective because one definition of communicate is "to impart thoughts" while another is "something imparted, interchanged, or transmitted". One of the main reasons why I encourage married couples to have sex, as much as possible really (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important" and "8 'Kinds Of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation"), is because, physically, it's the closest that you can get to someone else. And as women, when someone is literally inside of us, it can cause us to let our guard down and open up the door to share in a way that we might not in any other setting.
When this transpires, some dirty talk may be involved yet so does simply expressing feelings, needs and desires overall. I mean, think about it — when the sex is really good, how easy is it for an "I love you" or "You mean so much to me" to come out? And when that does, doesn't it help to solidify the bond that you and your partner already have? The way that relationships grow is through a healthy form of communication. Sex is not only one way to cultivate communication, it can significantly strengthen it too.
4. “Nakedness” Transpires in a Myriad of Ways
I know. It's a given that nakedness and sex go hand in hand. What I'm speaking of here is being naked from the angle of removing all sorts of layers and walls. See, when sex is just good on a physical level, you and your partner can give each other orgasms, walk away and not know very much about each other at all (happens all of the time out here). When there is an emotional connection, though, you feel at ease talking about childhood memories, family issues, past heartbreaks — things that reveal you to another person in a very powerful kind of way.
In certain translations of the Bible, one way that sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is described is by using the word "know". Matter of fact, the first documented married couple (Adam and Eve) were instructed to be "naked and not ashamed" with one another (Genesis 2:24-25). Every time I think about both of these points, it reminds me that an emotional connection in sex means that two people are sharing themselves in a very profound way. They are coming to know each other in a way that very few will be able to speak of when it comes to them. And y'all, that is pretty powerful, if you ask me.
5. Pleasing Each Other Is the Main Goal
Not too long ago, I was having a conversation with some folks about R&B artist Miguel. More specifically, how fascinating it is that so many women find him sexy when songs like "Quickie" and "How Many Drinks?" low-key send the message that sex with him is gonna be quick, that he doesn't think you are worth wooing and your pleasure isn't exactly his top priority. While I'm mostly speaking in jest, let's not act like art isn't imitating life in a lot of bedrooms. Meaning, there are definitely men (and women, if we're going to be fair) who really couldn't care less if their partner is feeling fully satisfied; so long as they are getting what they want/need, at the end of the day, that's all that truly matters to them.
This is 1000 percent not the case when an emotional connection is involved. That's because, when two people care about each other, they want to bring their partner pleasure, joy, and satisfaction. On the sexual tip, sex isn't even all that gratifying unless their partner is fully pleased. I say it often in my sessions with married folks — when both people get off more on pleasing the other person, it's pretty difficult to only have ho-hum sex. Emotionally connected couples know this. That's why, when it comes to "meh" coitus, they rarely can relate.
6. Intimacy Is Also Being Cultivated Outside of the Bedroom
Honestly, I can't even remember which forum it was (Reddit, Quora, etc.) that I pulled the following two quotes from. What I do know is I appreciated both of them so much that I made sure to jot them down and give each guy their proper credit. The context was can you get tired of having sex with this same individual. This is what they said:
"Do not think of it as 'I am having sex with this woman.' Think of it as 'We are having sex together.' Think of your partner as your equal. Both of you are doing this, and both of you are working so that both of you can enjoy it." (Miguel Valdespino)
"Whether you ever get tired of sex with someone is a choice. It's a choice you might not know you're making, but it's still a choice. If you choose to allow sex to become a boring routine, then sex will become boring and routine. If, on the other hand, you choose to be experimental, to explore new things (even if they might sound 'weird' to you), if you try new ideas, if you talk about your fantasies, then there is so much territory to discover that sex with one person for a thousand years doesn't have to be boring." (Franklin Veaux)
That is some grown man stuff right here and I salute it. Anyway, I thought this would be a good place to bring all of this to a close because, clearly, the reason why these men could speak with this level of awareness and maturity is that their emotions have been involved with a partner before; they know what true intimacy is all about.
Intimacy. When the person you're having sex with is interested in spending time with you, hanging out with you, learning more about you outside of your boudoir — when they are content just being in your space because they dig so much more than what's between your legs, this also shows signs of an emotional connection being established.
You know what this means, right? If there is a ton of sex and not much else and you want more, scale back a bit and see if he's just as interested in being around you with your clothes on. If there's something bigger than climaxing going on, he will call, plan dates, and initiate non-sexual time. If there's not, at the very least, guard your heart. As you've just seen, great sex is not automatically a sign of anything deeper. For there to be a genuine emotional connection, thoughts and feelings must be mutually shared…too.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
Step One: Bond Repair Collection Shampoo
Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Collection Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Collection Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy
In today’s economy, we’re always looking for ways to stretch every dollar. However, the allure of new gadgets, trendy clothes, and the latest dining spots can often lead to impulsive spending. An iced latte here and an Uber Eats delivery there, topped off by a spontaneous online order can add up over time.
For those seeking to curb frivolous expenses and adopt a more mindful approach to their finances, participating in a no-spend month could be the solution to gaining control over their spending.
What is the No-Spend Challenge?
The no-spend challenge is a personal finance exercise where individuals commit to not spending money on non-essential items for a specific period. This could mean cutting off a subscription service, limiting your nights out for drinks, pulling back on online shopping, and holding off on big, spontaneous purchases to see how much you’d save over the month. The challenge encourages participants to evaluate their spending habits, identify areas of unnecessary expenditure, and redirect their financial focus toward savings and debt reduction.
This spending requires one to differentiate between needs and wants, with the base necessities being food, transportation, housing, essential bills, and medical/mental health expenses.
Preparing for a No-Spend Challenge
When embarking on a no-spend month, proper preparation is key to ensure you make the most out of the experience.
Financial expert and founder of The Frugal Feminista, Kara Stephens, says that having a compelling “why” can serve as a motivator to endure the ups and downs of the challenge, especially if it's your first time. “Have a clear idea of what your goals and outcomes are for the challenge. Do you want to be grateful for what you have? Do you want to save a certain amount of money?” she tells xoNecole. “Know what's going to be your ‘after-no-spend challenge' sustainability plan because we're hoping that your habits and your perspective on spending are changing and that you find a way to make that a part of your life after the challenge.”
One of the initial catalysts for the recent popularity of the no-spend challenge is to combat “revenge spending.” This spending habit, triggered by the “life is short” reality of the pandemic, has caused many of us to want to make up for lost time or missed experiences, which can lead to reckless financial decisions and jeopardize future stability.
Because of this, Stephen advises us to reframe our thinking around revenge spending to avoid putting our financial future at risk.
“Try and shift your perspective on revenge spending and say, yes, I want to live my best life, but how can I spend it responsibly?” she says. “How can I revenge spend on a budget? How can I remove the idea of revenge spending from my lexicon and just live well and plan systematically so it doesn't take away from my future financial goals?”
Benefits of A No-Spend Month
Taking part in a no-spend month has a number of benefits, one of which is the self-awareness and gratitude you gain by cutting out non-essential purchases. “You’re more financially self-aware because you're only thinking about what you deem as essentials,” Stephens says. “It can also make you more resourceful because you have to use what you have in your home, rather than going out and shopping.”
Those who take part in the challenge often find they become more intentional with their purchases, distinguishing between what they truly need and what they can do without. The money saved over this course of time can then be redirected towards paying off debt, building an emergency fund, or being put into a sinking fund.
Due to the rigid nature of the challenge, Stephens says that it’s important to have a sustainable framework to follow the no-spend challenge to avoid reverting to old habits. “It can be like "yo-yo dieting,” she explains. “If you were very strict for a certain period, but didn’t create any type of habit or change of mind to continue with it, you could resort back to revenge spending, ironically.”
Things to Keep In Mind
While it may seem like just another financial trend, taking part in a no-spend month can provide precious data about not just how much money you spend but also your mindset and relationship around money. You can observe how your feelings about money change and highlight areas of improvement. Alternatively, you can even start a sinking fund that allows you to put money aside for large purchases or personal experiences.
Ultimately, it’s not that spending money is bad, it’s about how you approach spending in a responsible way that ensures your financial security and success in the long run.
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Featured image by Evgeniia Siiankovskaia/Getty Images