
Why You Should Never Settle For A 'Shut Up Ring' (Even Though Many Women Do)

Humans are always gonna human, boy — and nothing reminds me of this more than how folks act (or is it act out?) online. Example? A few weeks ago, after watching a particular YouTuber wear folks out nonstop via their commentary of the Pop the Balloonshow, they were oh-so-very-sensitive about the opinions that commenters were giving them underneath their very own post. Dishing it while not being able to take it. It’s always an amazing sight to behold.
And y’all, that’s definitely what came to mind when I recently checked out an article about people assuming that artists (and long-term couple) Big Sean and Jhené Aiko were engaged based on a ring that was on her “traditional finger.” Although she made it clear that it’s not what one might assume, what I rolled my eyes at was a commenter who said that “bullying wins” in response to the assumption that it was (because if anyone has been on “engagement watch,” whether they want to be or not, it’s those two).
Bullying. Nagging. Ultimatums. Incessant hint dropping. Continuous pressure. When it comes to trying to go from girlfriend to fiancée, I’ve been working with couples long enough to scream from every rooftop that if any of this “works” at all, it’s not going to be in the way that you would ultimately like. At the very most, all you’re gonna do is end up with what is now coined as being a “shut up ring” and a lot of internal doubts.
And so, since December continues to be the most popular time of the year for couples to get engaged, I figured that now would be as good of a time as any to address what a shut up ring is and why women really need to not settle for one.
@kishapeart Replying to @Wealth by Samantha I know “shut up” ring is a new term to some, and in case you’re confused…it’s a ring that a man gives to a woman to get her to shut up about getting married. 🥹 It usually given after MANY years together and he’s finally had it with her begging. 🙃 It is not genuine and is usually very low to zero effort when it comes to a proposal. Ladies….PLEASE walk away before you wver have to beg a man for a ring. 🥲 You are the Prize! 😌 Special Shoutout to @ceciliaregina275 for coining this term!! #men #fyp #shutuprings #proposal #proposalfail #dating
I’m Pretty Sure You Can Guess What a “Shut Up Ring” Is But…
Yep, overall, one way or another, a shut up ring is a ring that is given to a woman in order to get her to quit focusing so much on getting engaged…, or at least to stop her from being consumed with getting out of the girlfriend stage of a relationship.
Okay, but what the creator (kishapeart on TikTok) just said in this video about shut up rings? Honestly, in my opinion, that is only one take on them. I will say that I know a guy personally, who has been engaged for almost four years now, and he and his fiancée (they live together, by the way) are no closer to getting married than they were before he proposed. In fact, when I asked him about it over a year ago now, he simply shrugged his shoulders and said, “She doesn’t want to get married. She just wanted a ring; now she has one. She hasn’t made any moves closer to marriage since, even after I told her to pick a date — and that was two years ago.”
Yeah, it can’t be said enough that getting engaged (traditionally) means that you are preparing for your wedding — and that typically takes no more than 12-18 months. And while we’re here, there is data to support that longer engagements can lead to quicker divorces because, if you have declared to each other (and probably your social media accounts) that you are ready to get married…what are you waiting for (hmm…)? If you’re not ready to literally get married…why get engaged?
Anyway, one thing that “kishapeart” said, right out the gate, is if you receive a shut up ring, you are not someone’s person. Eh, I don’t think that automatically applies across the board. I’m not sure where the popular assumption came from, yet it’s not accurate or even fair to draw the conclusion that just because someone doesn’t want what you do, at the time when you want it, that must mean they don’t care about you or love you. Good lord.
Now, what I will say is it would benefit people greatly to go into dating dynamics knowing if someone is on the same type of timeline that they are (check out “The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have”). For instance, if you want to get married in two years, does the guy you’re starting to see a real connection with think the same way? It would be good to know. At the same time, though, please don’t be out here thinking that they don’t want what you want just because it’s not at the exact same time. As a wise woman I know once said, “The right thing at the wrong time can still be the wrong thing.” Impatience has jacked many a couples up.
Then there’s this type of shut up ring that I read about via a TODAY article not too long ago: “I fought for it. I fought for him to recognize the relationship as something that was serious, something that mattered. I fought for him to realize that we needed to consider next steps. I fought for him to understand that my needs and desires matter. So he proposed.” Fought to get engaged. Whew.
The long story short here is this is the stance that this woman took after 3 ½ years of dating. However, she ended up canceling the wedding 2 ½ months before she was to stroll down the aisle because she ended up feeling more disconnected from her partner than ever.
Two years later, she has no regrets in doing so. Listen, her ex-fiancé wasn’t interviewed for the piece, yet again, I have worked with enough couples to say that this doesn’t automatically mean that she wasn’t “his person” or that he was setting himself up to settle. Sounds more like he was low-key resenting her for even putting him in the position of having to “prove” himself in the first place.
Hmph, some of y’all aren’t gonna wanna hear this, but — just like women don’t like to be pressured into sex, men don’t like to be pressured into marriage. #justsayin’
And then there’s the BuzzFeed article entitled, “19 Times People Realized They Got A ‘Shut Up’ Ring And Their Partner Didn't Actually Want To Get Married.” Let’s just say that many of the stories confirm what I just said in the last sentence of the above paragraph. SMDH.
Real talk, I could provide all types of scenarios to prove that a shut up ring is not a monolith; indeed, so many dynamics can result in a woman getting a ring before a man is truly ready to give her one. What I will say, for all of them across the board, is that no matter what the behind-the-scenes details of the relationship may be, ending up with this type of ring is never something that a woman should aspire to. In part, because of the red flags that automatically come with having one on your finger.
Red flags like what?
3 Things That Makes a Shut Up Ring a Huge Red Flag
We all know what a red flag is; it’s a warning, and a warning is something that warns, puts you on notice, or alerts you to take heed of something — or someone. Well, when you think of a shut up ring, anything that wants you to “shut up” is already problematic, right? Because, oftentimes, what that means is they are starting to process your words as low-key noise (I mean, look up the definition of shut up some time) — and that never can be good. Okay, but aside from the obvious, there are three other red flags about a shut up ring that immediately come to my mind.
1. Pressure makes diamonds, not healthy relationships. It is Winston Churchill who once said, “You can measure a man’s character by the choices he makes under pressure,” and again, some of you are gonna want to click off of this article after I say this, but, a man who doesn’t succumb to getting engaged before he is ready? That is a man of character — not the other way around.
If a man, right out the gate, will do something that he is not prepared to do, just because someone pressures him to do it, how can you trust in how he will handle other pressuring matters in the future? Not only that but, if you know that you had to pressure him to ultimately get what you want, how can you feel secure in the relationship anyway? Let’s move on to the next point.
2. Is the ring about love or…status? How many times over the years have I said that De Beers is one of the greatest scammers of all time because folks didn’t become obsessed with diamond engagement rings for any other reason than the company was going broke, they came up with the slogan “a diamond is forever” and people drank the Kool-Aid (if you don’t believe me, you can read all about ithere)? Every time I think about that, it gets me to wondering why a diamond is so crucial to so many: is it really about someone declaring their love, or is it a status symbol that they don’t even know the origin story of?
Case in point: some of y’all may remember the episode of Being Mary Jane (which has literally been years ago now) where one of her friends admitted that she bought her own engagement ring because she didn’t want to risk being embarrassed by the size that her fiancé would end up getting her. Now, what in the world does that have to do with their relationship? Sounds like she cares more about what others think about them — and no one is ultimately going to be in her relationship (if she’s wise, anyway) but her and her man. Bottom line here, is if you think you would be “fine” with a shut up ring, reevaluating the love vs. status thing is something you definitely should put some real thought into.
3. No woman should have to convince a man to marry her. Think about the last time that you tried to convince someone to do something. If you weren’t arguing or debating, you were having to provide enough “evidence” to prove that your point or perspective was right. Now, apply this to striving to get someone to marry you. Whether it’s trying to convince him that you are the one or now is the time, there is nothing self-affirming about having to prove that he should see things from your perspective. With that said, in walks the stellar groom from this video (@irisfilmsatl on IG) up top.
The first time I saw it, I played it back at least five times because I adored everything about it. Most of all? HOW CLEARLY READY THIS MAN WAS TO GET MARRIED. You can see the confidence oozing out of his pores from the moment that he showed up on the screen. And you know what? Men who are ready to get married, don’t need convincing. Rinse and repeat that conclusion, just as many times as you need to.
3 Things That Make Giving a Man an Ultimatum a Huge Red Flag
While I was reading an article entitled, “Do Most Proposals Only Happen After an Ultimatum?” from The Kit’s site, and I saw things like, “’Almost every girl I know who got proposed to [did] because they gave an ultimatum to their partner.’ More than 70 replies mostly ran the gamut of agreement: ‘Truth,’ ‘I told him to propose, or I was moving on, he picked propose,’” all I could literally do is shake my head, mostly because I know that this isn’t an exaggeration.
Geeze, I can’t tell you how many women I personally know who also fit into this…demographic. It’s not a good thing either because, no matter how popularized ultimatums have become, at the end of the day, an ultimatum is a threat — on some levels, even worse, it’s what PsychCentral once said on the topic in their article, “Should You Ever Give an Ultimatum In a Relationship?”: “...ultimatums often come from desperation.”
Let’s explore more of what an ultimatum is.
1. Ultimatums are threats (and it can’t be said enough). The reason why I thought that this video (krewseason on TikTok) was appropriate for this particular portion of the video is he’s right: if you’re going to make a threat, you need to follow through — and a lot of y’all ain’t ready to walk away if a man doesn’t give you a ring when you want it; you’re just hoping that he’ll be “too scared” to lose you. Okay, but don’t you get that if you have made your desires clear about where you want the relationship to go and he hasn’t made any moves, there is no need to threaten him anyway?
Men count up the cost of things more than they are given credit for in this culture, and so throwing ultimatums left and right is only going to cause you to become more mentally and emotionally unsettled and him to start seeing you as the boy — well, girl — who cried wolf because you keep threatening to do something that you know that you…won’t.
2. Whether it’s impatience, fear, or control, there is nothing loving about any of this. I loathe relationship ultimatums — I really do. One reason is because, one of the things that immediately comes to mind is the Scripture, “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” (I John 4:18 — NKJV)
If you add to that the fact that the Good Book also says in I Corinthians 13:4 that “love is patient” (which, by definition, means that it waits well and doesn’t complain a lot) — well, if you are trying to control the outcome of your relationship because you are impatient, fearful or both…maybe you need to reevaluate how sincere, genuine and healthy your love actually is (and I’ll just leave that right there).
3. Giving an ultimatum puts the relationship on shaky ground. Earlier this year, PEOPLE published, “What Is a 'Shut Up Ring?' Woman Explains How Her Ex's Proposal Didn't Fix Their Flawed Relationship (Exclusive).” When you get a chance, check it out. For now, I’ll say that one of my favorite parts is when the woman said, "As soon as the dust settled, I realized the ring, the proposal, the marriage, the wedding — none of that changed anything…We still had all the exact same problems that we had before."
That’s the other thing about ultimatums: even if the guy does give in to you (and many do), do you realize that by giving an ultimatum in the first place, that means you both aren’t on the same page — perhaps even the same chapter or even the same…love story? I have worked with couples where the wife gave an ultimatum, the now-husband gave in) and they still have a ton of trust issues…and a part of the reason is because of how they got engaged in the first place: the movement after a threat and, oftentimes, all that does is temporarily deflect from the issues that already exist, or it puts cracks in the foundation of the relationship in ways that neither person expected.
If He’s Not Ready to Marry You, That (Usually) Means One of Three Things
Okay, so what if you are ready for your man to put a ring on your finger, he knows this, and it seems like nothing is happening. What in the world is going on? For the most part, one of the following things is probably the case.
1. You’re not the right person. I promise y’all that one day, I’m gonna go on tour with my belief that you should never substitute familiar for good or good for right — and honestly, a lot of folks end up in divorce court due to this very thing: choosing someone who they are very familiar with or selecting an individual who is a good person yet isn’t exactly RIGHT for them. How to know if someone is right for you is its own article; however, a good starting place is “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life” — wait for it — as you do the same thing for him.
And the only way to know this is to have some hard conversations about each other’s purpose, each other’s values, and each other’s life goals and aspirations. Believe you me, when a man knows that a woman is right for him, he’s not going to drag his feet; he will put a plan into place and let her know that he is doing so…without her needing him to “help things along.”
2. It’s not the right time. I know a guy right now who has entered into the ultimatum portion of the program when it comes to his relationship. While his girlfriend is pushing him, he is taking some steps back because he has been trying to purchase a home before proposing, and he wanted to surprise her with it. However, because she can’t seem to talk about anything but when he is going to pop the question, now he’s wondering about the timing and the woman: “If this is how she is as a girlfriend, I’m starting to wonder if it will only get worse as a wife.” That’s a valid point.
That said, though, if you want to know when the “right” time is for a man to make you his fiancée, I wrote “Experts Say You Should Date This Long Before Getting Married,” and it addresses that (cheat sheet: after two years of dating). However, no two relationships or details in them are the same. Listen, a lot of couples go into debt, just from their wedding alone (almost 60 percent, in fact). To him, it’s right when he not only has a ring to put on her finger but a home to move her into as well — and her impatience may just rob her of both. For shame.
3. Marriage isn’t on his menu. The main reason why I thought this clip from singer Shanice was perfect for this particular point is it proves, yet again, that — and yes, I am yelling it — WHEN A MAN WANTS TO GET MARRIED, HE WILL GET MARRIED. And to tell you the truth, that is where a lot of women mess up: they date men who aren’t interested in getting married, whether that is around the same time that the women are or…ever.
And again, the guys who fall in the “B” box, that doesn’t mean that they don’t love you (check out “He Loves You. He's Just Never Gonna Marry You. Now What?”); it just means that they don’t want what you do. If marriage is something that you are super serious about, make that known out the gate — don’t wait until your feelings are “all in” and then get mad at him because you think that if he loves you, he should overlook his own needs and simply give you what you want.
Not only is that potentially delusional, but it’s also hella unfair. Besides, men who are marriage-minded tend to date differently than those who aren’t — they aren’t gonna be cool with you having to pressure them; they have inspired themselves to get prepared.
Always Remember That a Shut Up Ring Is a Choice
@kvy3m the problem is you think you have time. do you see how fast the year has gone by already? you better start doing all the things youve always wanted to doo #cinematography #film #filmtok #cinematic #videography #capcut #comingofage
This past spring, when I wrote, “These 12 Women Broke Off Their Engagements. Here's Why.” for the platform, I don’t think I stopped to consider that there were some “shut up ring scenarios” in it — but there were and boy, am I proud of those former fiancées for not settling for less by thinking that a shut up ring is good enough…because it isn’t. Y’all, marriage is too sacred, too special, and far too important to go into it with one person basically being like, “Here. Now will you stop nagging me?” and another being like, “As long as I get what I want, I don’t care how he ultimately feels about it.” Ughs. All the way around.
And that’s why I wanted to end all of this with the A SHUT UP RING IS A CHOICE. Meaning, a woman who accepts one of those isn’t a victim of her relationship because if she felt like pressuring someone to get what she wants is the right thing to do (it’s not), that is a conscious decision.
HOWEVER, as this last video (kvy3m on TikTok) basically implies, life is too short (and precious) to move in this fashion because, as writer Maureen Dowd once said, “The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for” — and a shut up ring is 1000 percent settling for less which means that you are wasting your time because marriage is too long to go into it with someone who got you something, so that you’ll quit talking about it…because your words translated as low-key noise in his mind (ouch).
And so, since a shut up ring is a choice, I hope that all this will remind you to NEVER CHOOSE ONE.
____
Clear communication. Honest intentions. Being on the same page. This helps you to get an engagement ring instead of a shut up ring. Both are your choice.
Sis, you are of great value. PLEASE…choose wisely.
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Featured image by Grace Cary/Getty Images
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Your April 2025 Horoscopes Are All About Softening Into Love & Speaking Your Truth
April is a month to slow down and to fully grasp what has been. The month starts in fiery Aries Season, but we are also in the thick of Retrograde Season as we begin the month as well. Thankfully, Mercury finally goes direct on April 7, after being retrograde mid-March, and communication matters are clearing up. This is a month of mental clarity, a fresh start, and not being afraid to dream a little bigger.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, and this Full Moon brings relationship and financial matters full circle. This is the time to let go of what doesn’t make you feel balanced or in harmony and to create space for more peace to enter your life. Venus goes direct in Pisces on the same day, after being retrograde since March 1, and love is healing. With Venus now direct, there are more opportunities for commitment and longevity in love, and there is overall a greater feeling of romance, receptivity, and compassion in the air now.
Mercury enters Aries from April 16 until May 10, and what you were trying to see through or understand better while Mercury was retrograde here last month, you are experiencing a breakthrough now. Mercury in Aries is insightful and courageous, and people are more likely to speak their minds and initiate conversation with this energy. Mars then enters Leo from April 18 until June 17, reminding us that sometimes it’s okay to be a little more selfish and to focus on what you need right now. Mars in Leo brings forth confidence, creativity, and passion, and brings an exciting energy to charge of your life and advocate for yourself.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, bringing some earth sign energy into the mix, grounding and nurturing what you are creating in your life right now. On April 27, we have a New Moon in Taurus, and this is an abundant and fruitful New Moon. This is one of the best New Moons of the year for you to set your intentions for your financial world and a time for seeing new opportunities for abundance. On the last day of the month, Venus moves into Aries until June 6th, and love requires a little more passion, independence, and excitement during this time.
Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
ARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CANCER
This month is all about balancing your time and energy wisely, Cancer. You are being reminded not to overwork or overwhelm yourself in April, and to focus on doing the things that are within your control right now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of the month so you are feeling really passionate about the things you are developing in your life right now, but it’s all about finding the right balance between your personal goals and your needs in your relationships as well.
The Full Moon in Libra on April 12 will be a time to devote your energy to self-care, close loved ones, and overall getting some time to decompress. You are ready to let go of the things that don’t make you feel safe or nurtured and are receiving an emotional renewal right now. The New Moon in Taurus at the end of the month is a time to focus on your intentions on your community, friendships, and aspirations in life, and to pay attention to where you can create more abundance here.
LEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
On April 18, Mars enters your sign until June 17, and this is huge for you. You began the year with Mars retrograde in your sign, so you are getting the opportunity now, to rewrite some of the things that weren’t working for you at the beginning of the year. You are overcoming previous obstacles, and experiencing a breakthrough in your life this month. Before April ends, there is a New Moon in Taurus, highlighting your career, reputation, and professional life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for what goals you want to come to fruition for you now.
VIRGO
This month is all about building new foundations in your life, Virgo. You are feeling more supported and in tune with your own inner needs and interests, and it’s bringing you closer to people and systems that resonate. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct this month on April 7 after being retrograde for the past few weeks; bringing more clarity, understanding, and compassion to your partnerships in life. You are focused on love this month and are working together with others to make your dreams come true.
Mid-month, Mars moves into your 12th house of closure and endings, and there is a journey of healing that you experience until June 17. You are motivated to understand yourself better and are looking at the past more right now in order to do so. This is a month of recovering and healing from what has been, for new foundations to be built upon. The New Moon on April 27 is a beautiful way to end the month, as you are getting glimpses of a new, abundant, adventure that is ahead of you.
LIBRA
This is a big month of closure for you, Libra. The Sun is in your 7th house of love for most of April, and your heart is in the right place. With Venus, your ruling planet, going direct on April 12 after being retrograde since March 1, you are finally able to take a breath. You are not experiencing as many obstacles when it comes to communication matters and you are feeling like you have the tools you need to move forward right now.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
SCORPIO
April is a month of success, progress, and dreams coming to fruition, Scorpio. You are focused on your health, your priorities, and creating space for the new beginnings that you are creating in your life right now. The Full Moon mid-month is a big closure moment for you, and you are owning the fact that you have healed and you are no longer the same person you were in the past. This is a month of stepping into your power and feeling supported in doing so.
Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SAGITTARIUS
April is a new beginning for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on putting the action and effort behind your goals, and you are being proactive within the opportunities that you are looking for right now. With a Full Moon in your 11th house of aspirations mid-month, you are letting go of the way you thought things would play out for you and are owning a more abundant version of things.
On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus, which will be highlighting your health and what your body needs more of right now. This is a New Moon to set your intentions for your everyday life and to create a new, beneficial routine that will make things easier for you at the end of the day. Before the month ends, Venus enters your 9th house of adventure, and you are leaving the month with your sights set high. Travel plans are likely, and this is a good time to create some new plans for yourself.
CAPRICORN
April is about putting one step in front of the other with patience and dedication and trusting the decisions you are making for yourself right now, Capricorn. The Sun is in your 4th house for most of the month, and you are yearning for your safe spaces, comfort foods, and loyal people. Giving yourself more time to decompress, take care of yourself, and ground your energy is essential this month.
Mars enters your 8th house of transformation mid-month and will be fueling your need for some change, excitement, and emotional rejuvenation over the next month and a half. You are entering an impactful moment of the year for you, and you are motivated toward change right now. The New Moon at the end of the month is in a fellow earth sign, highlighting the romantic new beginnings you are entering now. Overall, this month is a process, and you are opening new doors while finding gratitude in what is here for you now.
AQUARIUS
April is about giving yourself time to process, accept, and gain a new perspective, Aquarius. You are being guided towards friendship, connection, and community, and are understanding what may be creating the discord in your life that has been distancing you from that. The Full Moon this month is happening in Libra on April 12, and you are ready to let go of feeling like you have to do it all at once or all alone. This month is a reminder to take your time with all the experiences you want to have, trusting that they will come to fruition for you.
Mars enters your house of love and partnership on April 18, and you enter a passionate and steamy time. Romance is in the air for you as you move through the month, and you are spending more of your time with those who you want to move forward with. Venus also moves into a relationship area of your chart before April ends, and you are surrounded by love and community. Overall, this month is showing you that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the heavy stuff alone either.
PISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
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Hmph. I know there has got to be at least three times a week when our grandparents will hear about something that folks present as being revolutionary that causes them to just roll their eyes, shrug their shoulders, and continue to go on with whatever they were doing. Listen, call it old-fashioned thinking if you want to but if you want to avoid a lot of unnecessary regret in this life, hang out with your elders (and actually listen to what they are saying) sometimes — they’ve already been where you are and, since when it comes to them, you can’t say the same, you just might get a few gems (in fact, I can almost guarantee it).
Take sobergasms, for instance. Oh, I’m willing to bet that a senior in your life has mentioned them, just in another way, before. If you’ve never heard of the term, it’s actually a pretty good one because it means just what you think it does: SOBER ORGASMS. And just to make sure that we all are on the same page, it’s sex — that hopefully includes orgasms — that involves very little to no alcohol.
I thought that it was important to address this term for a couple of different reasons. One is for the reason that is mentioned in the origin story of sobergasms that I will address in just a sec. Another is because…people who are in long-term committed relationships? I think it’s pretty safe to say that, unless they both have some sort of substance abuse situation going on, most of them have sex some, if not most of the time, without alcohol (and certainly without drunkenness) being involved. Those who engage in casual/recreational sex, though? Well, I’ve got some stats included in this piece that will show you how much alcohol and copulation go hand in hand in a lot of those instances.
And although some studies say that casual sex (i.e., hook-up culture) isn’t quite as rampant as it was, even just a few years ago, at the same time, let’s not act like it isn’t still happening. Hell, every time we hop on social media, we see evidence (and sometimes fallout) of that. Plus, while many people are out here declaring that they don’t want or need marriage anymore (chile) — do you hear them saying that they feel the same way about sex?Yeah…exactly.
With all of this being said, let’s take a moment to look into what sobergasms are really all about and why, if you are sexually active and are not in anything serious, you should strongly consider having (more of) them.
The Origin Story of Sobergasms Is…
Aight, so here’s the backstory of sobergasms. Last year, right around the holiday season, the sexual wellness brand Lovehoney decided to partner up with an alcohol-free drink company (CleanCo) to create a mocktail (I will share the recipe in just a sec) — you know, a cocktail that doesn’t have any alcohol in it. They did it because their UK (where they are based) research revealed that people tend to drink almost 40 percent more during the holidays (in the US, Americans reportedly drink twice as much as they usually do around that time).
If you add to that the fact that Lovehoney conducted their own study which cited that 64 percent of participants have admitted to having sex while being intoxicated and yet only 20 percent said that they actually enjoyed it.
And that was the main motivation for why Lovehoney came up with sobergasms: it’s a way to encourage people to be more intentional about going without drinking (so much) so that they can engage in the kind of sex that they will actually find to be pleasurable; especially since their findings also discovered that only 29 percent of men and 11 percent of women have consistent orgasms when they are drunk compared to 45 percent of men and 15 percent of women who do when they are sober.
As I thought about all of this, I decided to go on my own fact-finding mission about alcohol and its relationship to sex. It helped me to come up with even more reasons to cosign on sobergasms — and I’m hoping that it will do the same thing for you.
Before I share 10 interesting stats, first, the recipe for the mocktail that Lovehoney and CleanCo came up with:
Sobergasm Clean Drink
25ml fresh lime juice
50ml CleanCo Clean T
1 tbsp fresh orange juice
1 tbsp hot honey
Sea salt, chili flakes, and lime for garnish
You can click here for thorough instructions on how to make it. Over on this side of the pond, we’re pretty big on mocktails ourselves and so, if you'd like to test out some other recipes, check out “10 Spring/Summer Cocktails (& Mocktails) That Your Vagina Will Truly Enjoy” and “Sexy Sips: 8 Fall-Themed Mocktails That Are Aphrodisiacs Too.”
And while you’re pondering which mocktail you would actually like to try first, let’s get into some other reasons why oftentimes “less is best” when it comes to mixing sexual activity with alcohol consumption.
10 Stats to Keep in Mind When It Comes to Mixing Sex with Alcohol
When it comes to how many people partake in alcoholic beverages, Gallup cites that 65 percent of Americans who are over the age of 21 claim to do so. Out of those, the average amount of drinks that they consume on a weekly basis is around four. The preferred drink of choice? Wine (31-35 percent) with liquor being a close second (30 percent). Now factor all of this into your mind as you read the following information about alcohol and its relationship to sex:
1. One study revealed that almost 30 percent of participants were less safe when it came to their sexual decisions due to them having alcohol in their system.
2. About half of the sexual assaults that happen on college campuses involve alcohol whether it’s the perpetrator, the victim, or both.
3. Among college-aged women, when they are having sex while in a relationship, alcohol is involved 20 percent of the time. When it’s casual sex? Alcohol is involved 53 percent of the time (heavy drinking happened a whopping 36 percent of the time).
4. 42 percent of college students binge drink and 400,000 of them have sex without using a condom while consuming alcohol.
5.One study revealed that almost 72 percent of college students regretted their sexual decisions at least once. Out of the ones surveyed, almost 32 percent said that alcohol was involved when they did.
6.Of people aged 18-25, more individuals regretted having sex while having alcohol in their system than they did when it came to weed or ecstasy.
7. Women tend to participate in “non-traditional” sexual acts and masturbate more when they are intoxicated than when they are sober.
8. Although a small amount of alcohol in a woman’s system can arouse them sexually, high amounts will decrease it and can even make it harder for them to become naturally lubricated.
9. Alcohol increases the probability of having more sex partners for women.
10. Alcohol can make it more challenging for women to climax.
When you take all of this in, although I certainly appreciate how Lovehoney has brought to our attention that too much alcohol can make sex less physically pleasurable, as you can see, it can also make coitus more risky, potentially more dangerous and it can cause us to make some pretty unwise decisions, if we’re not careful as well.
And so honestly, this additional intel should further solidify why you should be uber cautious and super careful if you are going to bring alcohol into the picture when it comes to having sex with another person — again, especially if it’s recreational sex. Because even though intercourse, on average, lasts between 3-7 minutes (Google is right there), that small window of time can result in a lifetime of consequences that you may not wish to experience.
Besides, it’s not like sober sex doesn’t have its own benefits…
5 Benefits of Having Sex While You’re Completely Sober
You know what’s interesting about the word “sober”? It doesn’t just mean that you aren’t drunk; it also means that you are “rational,” “self-controlled” and “level-headed” — and yes, when you are about to have sex with someone who you aren’t in a serious, long-term or exclusive sexual relationship with, it’s best that you are all of these things. Because while alcohol can initially make you feel like sexual activity will be more fun, sober sex has the following five proven things to offer.
1. You can better trust your decisions. Recently, I watched a video of four women who taped and posted themselves driving drunk. Moments later, all of them were ejected from the vehicle that they were in and only one survived (and she is in critical condition). Imagine if they could go back in time and go without having alcohol in their system before getting in that vehicle. SMDH.
When it comes to today’s topic, no matter what pop culture tries to tell you, any act that can potentially result in you conceiving or contracting something that doesn’t have a cure is serious as all get out. That’s why, especially when it comes to casual sex, you want to make sure that you go into the act as level-headed as possible — and you can only really do that if/when you are sober.
2. You can clearly articulate your needs and expectations. We’ve all seen a movie (or personally know someone) where a woman got tipsy and wanted to do certain sexual things; however, as alcohol began to affect her system even more, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go further or not. When you’re sober, it’s so much easier to articulate what you want/don’t want and what your expectations are. T
hat said, there are so many people who have sex-related regrets and a big part of the reason is because alcohol totally clouded their judgment and sometimes altered their thoughts and words. Definitely something to (always) keep in mind when it comes to consuming alcohol in the presence of others.
3. You’re more present. I also want to make sure that I touch on some of the things that prompted Lovehoney to come up with sobergasms in the first place. As far as the purely pleasurable side of sex goes, ask anyone who has a satisfying situation in their bedroom and I’m willing to bet that one thing that they will advise is to not overthink the experience and to remain in the moment.
When you’re intoxicated, your mind tends to be all over the place. When you’re sober-minded, it’s easier to remain focused.
4. Sex definitely tends to be more pleasurable. I’ve already shared with you that you are wetter and it’s easier for you to climax when you don’t have a lot of alcohol in your system. A part of the reason is that, since your brain is your biggest sex organ, it’s important to keep in mind that alcohol has a way of negatively affecting the communication pathways of your brain; when that happens, it can cause your moods to become erratic and you tend to become less coordinated too.
Not well-lubricated. Not climaxing. In a bad mood. Do those that sound like the keys to an awesome sexual experience? Right…absolutely not.
5. There is a lot less regret. Once you have sex with someone, you can’t take it back. That’s why it’s so important that you go into the act feeling like this is something that you really want to do (the person and the acts included); you significantly decrease the chances of you having this type of certainty when you’re not sober. And sexual regret can sometimes be one of the hardest things to get past.
____
Sobergasms. Although there seem to be new terms that come up daily, one that I can definitely get behind is that. Because it encourages everyone to be sober-minded and sexually responsible in order to ultimately have a more fulfilling sexual experience.
And I will certainly raise a mocktail to that.
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