Friendship break-ups are hard — hell, sometimes even flat-out devastating. There are articles out here that say that they’re actually a close equivalent to having a limb cut off, that it can take more out of you emotionally than going through a breakup or “falling out of love” and, because sometimes it can be as life-altering as the death of a loved one, the grieving process of losing a friend can take years to get over/past/through.
Yeah, friendship break-ups can totally wear you out on a myriad of different levels — believe me, I know.
So, what do you do if, after going through one and doing some healing, a former friend comes back into your world and wants to try and reconcile? Is that something that should even be up for consideration? Oh, if only there was a cut-and-dried or black-and-white answer for that. The reality is, since each friendship is so unique that it pretty much has its own “fingerprint,” there is no simple yes or no resolve.
However, I do think that I can provide you with a few things to strongly consider (and perhaps even journal about) so that you will end up making the kind of decision that you can feel good about; the kind that you can make real and lasting peace with.
If there is a former friend who has recently resurfaced on some level and you’re wondering if a “round two” of friendship is in the cards for you, here are some things that you should think long and hard about before saying or doing anything about…it all.
Why Did the Friendship End to Begin With?
GiphyNot too long ago, I ran into someone who I hadn’t seen in years. As we were catching up, one of the things that she inquired about was the status of someone who we have in common — or at least used to. I’m definitely not friends with this person anymore because, let’s just say that they did something that was so selfish and even emotionally cruel, that there is simply no coming back from it. That said, I haven’t not forgiven them; it’s just that, even though I knew that they had some narcissistic traits, I didn’t realize that they were capable of going as low as they did or that they would absolutely suck at holding themselves accountable when I brought the issue to their attention.
Y’all, when it comes to reconciling with someone on the friendship tip, while I am sometimes open to the possibility, what I am absolutely not interested in is when those who don’t take accountability for their actions try to come at me on some, “Girl, you’re still on that? When are you going to let that go?” gaslighting mess. And why is that the case? Because if someone isn’t willing to acknowledge what they did — or how you feel about what they did — there is a huge chance that they are going to repeat the same actions…and next time, it could be worse.
And so, before doing anything else, the first thing that you should reflect upon is why the friendship break-up transpired in the first place. Was it just a big misunderstanding or did some pretty damning things transpire that revealed a lot about the person’s character and/or their commitment (or lack thereof) to the friendship overall? It’s hard to begin something new if you’re not sure about why “it” ended to begin with.
Have You BOTH Taken Accountability?
GiphySpeaking of accountability, it takes two people to be friends and usually, it takes the actions (or inactions) of two people, at least on some level, to bring a friendship to an end as well — and that brings me to the next point. Many years ago, a former friend of mine decided to marry a guy who had all sorts of red flags. Partly because I’m a marriage life coach and then partly because I’m simply Shellie, all of my friends know that if I see a very potential relational trainwreck about to happen, I’m absolutely going to speak up — and with her, I did. Her church told her that I was being an “enemy” of the engagement (chile) and so she ended our friendship.
I believe she was still in her newlywed years when we ran into each other at an event. All she did the entire time was sob and, although we weren’t friends anymore, because I did still care about her, afterward, we spoke for several hours — about everything, including what ultimately transpired between us. I was glad that we had that conversation because I was able to take accountability for how abrupt I was and how I could’ve been more compassionate and she took accountability for not standing up for herself enough to where some strangers (of our friendship) could get her to make such a drastic decision.
Still, when it was all said and done, although I was glad that we were able to make peace when she mentioned us exchanging numbers so that we could go thrift store shopping (which is totally one of my favorite things to do to this day), I passed. After sharing some of the things that she was going through now that she actually was a wife, there was nowhere for us to go. I still wasn’t in support and yet I’m no idiot — a person’s spouse needs to take priority over their friendships (some folks seem to forget/ignore that) and so there was no point in putting either one of us through “act two” of the drama and trauma.
Yet remember again what I said: we both were in a peace-filled place and that wasn’t the case when we initially “broke up” — and the only thing that really brought us there was us both holding ourselves accountable. The takeaway here is definitely don’t consider trying again with someone if you’re both not willing to own what brought you to the ending of your friendship in the first place. Why? Because if neither of you changed, what’s going to be different now? Straight up.
Let’s Go Back Over What “Reconcile” Means
GiphySo, what if, in your opinion, what led to the breakup is truly something that you can get past and both of you have been very open, honest, and candid about what y’all could’ve/should’ve done better? What next? Well, my recommendation would be to keep in mind that “there are layers to this thing” as far as reconciliation is concerned. What I mean by that is, that there are different definitions of the word and so, you need to decide what your goal is — and by that I mean, what actually would be best for you and them.
Reconcile: to cause (a person) to accept or be resigned to something not desired; to win over to friendliness; cause to become amicable; to compose or settle (a quarrel, dispute, etc.); to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent; to restore
Another friendship story — this time, it’s with a guy. After almost three decades of being close, a former friend of mine got a girlfriend; one who, after only a few weeks, decided that she should “pull rank” on our friendship…and chile, he allowed it. Suddenly, he was sneaking to talk to me on the phone or rushing off whenever she was around. He was basically treating me like a side chick which was weird as hell because our friendship had literally “survived” a fiancée and a wife (two different women) with no problems. The way he handled all of that, I lost so much respect for him that I ended the friendship.
The birthday following our break-up, he sent me some money and I asked him what his agenda was. He said that he wanted the friendship back, that his relationship was toxic and yet, he was still going to keep her in his life while trying to rebuild our friendship. Are you kidding me? To choose chaos is…chaotic. And so, the kind of reconciling that I decided to do with him was that first definition: get him to realize that we can’t be friends when he’s with a woman who moves like she does. We can be cool, but our intimacy is over. She’s unsafe which made him unsafe (for me) too (check out “Are You An Emotionally & Relationally Safe Person To Be Around? 6 Ways To Know.”).
Then there’s the type of reconciliation that I spoke about right before this. By talking everything out with “her,” we were able to get to an amicable place and position — and sometimes, that’s all that needs to happen because, as I oftentimes say, you get old (and mature) enough and you both realize and accept that there is a significant amount of space between “friend” and “enemy” — many relationships (or situations or interactions) fall somewhere in there.
And then there’s the kind of reconciliation that literally brings two people back together. That requires settling matters and then seeing if you can get back into some sort of holistic agreement so that the relationship can be restored — and that takes quite a bit of mutual time and effort.
That’s why, the next thing that I recommend is asking yourself what kind of reconciling you’re after: getting clarity on why things need to remain as they are; a conversation that can bring both of you into a state of peace, so that folks aren’t rolling eyes at the mall or being passive aggressive on social media? Or do you feel like there is enough to salvage to where you want to try to be friends again?
Now, let me just say that before you give (yourself) an answer, restoration is a bit of a layered word too:
Restore: to bring back into existence, use, or the like; reestablish; to bring back to a state of health, soundness, or vigor; to put back to a former place, or to a former position, rank, etc.; to give back; make return or restitution of (anything taken away or lost)
Synonyms: bring back, build up, improve, reinstate, repair, revive, replace, rescue, strengthen
What these definitions amplify is if you’re thinking about restoring a friendship, you’ve got to ponder all of these definitions, so that you can know what it will require and entail. I mean, do you want to bring it back to where it was before? If so, why? Are you both willing to “make restitution” by making amends for what you both may have emotionally lost as a direct result of the break-up? Was your friendship even healthy to begin with? Because you can’t bring something “back to a healthy state” unless it was initially in one (and that’ll preach!).
Yeah, a part of the reason why I even wanted to tackle this topic is some folks think that “fixing a friendship” is simply a matter of saying that you did — oh, but it requires so much more work than that, chile. That’s why you’ve really got to be real with yourself about if it’s even worth it. Is it?
If Things Aren’t Going To Be Better Than Before, What’s the Point?
GiphyDid you notice how synonyms for restore included things like “improve” and even “replace”? When it comes to most of my broken friendships, while again, I have done my part to make sure that there is peace between us, I can’t really say that “getting back with them” would result in a better-than-before dynamic. For one thing, with some of the folks I was friends with, at the time when we became friends, I wasn’t even really friends with myself (check out “Self BFF: 7 Signs You're Your Own Best Friend”) and so I selected them from a broken and/or dysfunctional head and heart space. Others? Because they keep a victim mentality and refuse to take accountability for the breakdown, I simply don’t trust them or see the need to invest in them on a friendship level.
Listen, the folks who I consider to be my friends, they know that I’ve got them and then some and so, especially at this point and place in my life, if a person, place, thing, or idea isn’t going to make me a better person, I don’t see the point in bringing it/them into my intimate space. And definitely, if I’m going to put in the blood, sweat, and tears that are needed to restore a friendship, I’m going to need to see some indications that not only is it NOT going to be a sequel of what we already went through, but that we are BOTH going to do what’s needed for things to be so much better. Otherwise, again, what’s the point?
On repeat for the people in the back: If you’re going to reconcile, just for more of the same — and that was oftentimes stuff that wasn’t good — sis, what’s the point?
Implement a “Probationary” Period
GiphyIt’s pretty common that when someone first gets hired for a job, they are (usually) given a 90-day probationary period. The main point of that is to see if a new employee is truly a good fit for the job. Personally, when it comes to reconciling with a former friend, I think a similar practice should be limited. I mean, people can say anything — before going all in again, ease into things. Give it a few weeks to see if you both have healed, if growth has truly transpired, and if you still work, as friends, after all that has happened.
By not jumping totally in, that helps you to guard your heart, so that if one or both of you discover that either a friendship isn’t going to work or that it’s time to transition into a different kind of dynamic, feelings are spared and there’s not so much “spilled milk” to clean you. You can transition smoothly with fonder memories in tow.
____
Should you reconcile with a friend? I’ll end this with a quote by civil rights activist John M. Perkins: “There is no reconciliation until you recognize the dignity of the other until you see their view — you have to enter into the pain of the people. You've got to feel their need.” If neither of you is at this place, while there may be a need for a conversation, a reconciliation may be premature…if necessary, at all.
Again, if you’re going to enter into phase two of a relationship with a former friend, it should be better than it was before. I hope all of this will help you to determine if that is indeed the case…or not.
Either way, your time, heart, and investments are precious. Reconciliation or not, for your own sake, please choose wisely.
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Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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And just why would a plant that contains dung (wild, right?) be associated with intimacy? Well, two things that mistletoe symbolizes are vivacity and fertility — and since kissing is oftentimes a precursor to foreplay which then leads to sex…there you have it.
Although you may not have known any of this until just now, if you’re not currently in a serious relationship and yet you do happen to have a mistletoe hanging somewhere in your house and/or you’ve got plans to put some somewhere on your body over the next several days (check out “Mistletoe Around Your Waist (And Other Christmas-Themed Sex Ideas)”) — this article was written with you in mind.
Why the Holidays Are a Prime Time for Casual Sex
Why is that? Well, since people reportedly have more sex during the holiday season (more on why in a bit), I just wanted to make sure that before you let the presence of mistletoe (and hormones) overtake you as you take that text from an ex or respond to that DM from some month-long-correspondence-exchange guy that you stop to consider what you may be getting yourself into…beyond just (possibly) a “’tis the season” orgasm. Or two.
Never Forget What “Casual” Means
GiphyAs long as I am able to speak on casual sex, I will forever profess that it continues to be one of the greatest oxymorons of our time — to me. When you stop to consider that Scripturally, sex was designed to bond married couples (I Corinthians 6:16-20-Message), that babies can be made from sex, and that there are hormones during the act of sex that can cause you to bond to someone in a way that nothing else can (whether you’re close to them or not) — I don’t know why anyone would want to look at sex from a casual space; especially since casual means things like apathetic, careless, without serious intention, without emotional intimacy and indifferent.
Shoot, even some of the most promiscuous guys I know say that sex is better when they have some sort of emotional bond with their partner. So, if you’re about to consider involving yourself with someone sexually on a casual level over the next several days, please take a moment to really ponder what that means (in spite of how much culture tries to downplay it); then decide if “casual” is what you’re after — and if it’s what you are truly deserving of.
Keep the Holiday Season in Its Proper Perspective
GiphyRemember how I said in the intro that research has revealed that sex tends to experience an uptick right around this time of the year? There are several reasons why that is the case. For one thing, cuffing season is upon us and we all know that is when cold weather will make (many of) us look for a cuddle buddy (by the way, if you’ve never seen Big Jahh’sCuddle Seasonseries before, it’s pretty funny and is currently on Tubi). Another reason why sex happens more is because people are taking time off which means that they have more time for, umm, lay activities. Another reason? Nostalgia, chile.
As you’re taking walks down memory lane, it’s real easy to think about that romantic ice skating date you had with a guy five years ago or when you and your ex-boyfriend binge-watched Christmas movies all weekend one year. Suddenly, when one of those fellas pop up on your phone, you’re strongly considering recreating those moments. Be careful. I’ve got a friend right now who is in one of the dumbest relationships EVER (for the billionth time, I might add) — and it’s pretty much all because she doesn’t know how to leave the past in the past. She doesn’t know how to let nostalgia…go.
Oh, and one more reason worth mentioning for why holiday sex is so rampant is because science actually says that the fall and winter seasons are the best time for copulation (check out “Did You Know Fall & Winter Are The Best Times To Have Sex?”). Whew.
What all of this is basically saying is the holiday season sets up an ideal atmosphere for sex, including casual sex. However, just because it puts you in the “feels” that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t use your brain. Bottom line, is having someone to cuddle up with worth it if they are just gonna go ghost on you before Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, all because there was nothing truly substantial to keep them there in the first place? Just something to think about.
We Tend to Be Riskier During the Holiday Season. Be Careful.
GiphyYou know, I once read that DUI offenders find themselves drinking a whopping 33 percent more during the holiday season, and Americans overall drink twice as much as they usually do right through here. And you know what? It should be no shocker that when you are inebriated, it not only increases your chances of engaging in sex with partners you may not have chosen with a sober mind, but it also increases your chances of participating in unprotected sex too (a part of the reason why it does for us is that alcohol also elevates our testosterone levels which, yes, makes us hornier).
And since STIs/STDs continue to be on the rise and we’re about to be in an administration that doesn’t seem to be big fans of readily available forms of birth control — yeah, definitely watch how much alcohol you consume and always (and I do mean ALWAYS) keep some condoms at your personal disposal.
After Weddings, Marriage. After the Holidays, “Real Life.”
GiphySometimes, when I’m in a coaching session with a single woman who seems to be almost obsessed with the idea of getting married, something that I will say to her is, “Please remember that you are a BRIDE for a day and a WIFE for the rest of the days following your wedding.” Meaning, marriage isn’t one nonstop party where most of the focus is on you and everything that you want is at your disposal for the rest of your entire life.
And you know what? Along these same lines, after all of the décor, music, and sentimentality of the holiday season is over, real life sets back in and you’re going to have to deal with whatever decisions you made during the holidays — good, bad, or otherwise. So, if you’re considering engaging in some casual sex, in part, because those Hallmark holiday movies have gotten to you, please remember that movies are scripted and reality checks can be quite costly…when you don’t prepare for them.
Always Remember, YOUR BODY IS A GIFT
GiphyConsidering we are so close to Christmas, of course, I had to find some kind of pun to end this with. And honestly, when I think of the main definition of "gift" (“something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present”), I do think in this culture of transactional dating that everyone is doing (check out “Guess What? Dating Was Never Supposed To Be Transactional.”) that people really should ponder what a gift actually is. SMDH. Is your time really a gift — or is it more like a bribe (or spider’s web)?
However, when I speak of a gift for this last point, I mean that when someone is able to be with you sexually, it should be seen as a privilege because you should be seen as a blessing…starting with how you see yourself. It’s a lot harder for someone to process you in that manner if 1) they barely know you; 2) some real conversations aren’t had on the front end of coitus, and 3) you’re not being honest with yourself about what you want and need beyond sexual stimulation. Remember, you are a gift. Gifts are special.
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So, this holiday season, if casual sex has some real potential to be a part of your memories this year, please take everything that I just said into account. Be wise. Be safe. And be mature enough to acknowledge that sex has consequences. Then move accordingly in front of that roaring fire or tinseled Christmas tree of yours. #wink
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Featured image by Giphy