

Friendship break-ups are hard — hell, sometimes even flat-out devastating. There are articles out here that say that they’re actually a close equivalent to having a limb cut off, that it can take more out of you emotionally than going through a breakup or “falling out of love” and, because sometimes it can be as life-altering as the death of a loved one, the grieving process of losing a friend can take years to get over/past/through.
Yeah, friendship break-ups can totally wear you out on a myriad of different levels — believe me, I know.
So, what do you do if, after going through one and doing some healing, a former friend comes back into your world and wants to try and reconcile? Is that something that should even be up for consideration? Oh, if only there was a cut-and-dried or black-and-white answer for that. The reality is, since each friendship is so unique that it pretty much has its own “fingerprint,” there is no simple yes or no resolve.
However, I do think that I can provide you with a few things to strongly consider (and perhaps even journal about) so that you will end up making the kind of decision that you can feel good about; the kind that you can make real and lasting peace with.
If there is a former friend who has recently resurfaced on some level and you’re wondering if a “round two” of friendship is in the cards for you, here are some things that you should think long and hard about before saying or doing anything about…it all.
Why Did the Friendship End to Begin With?
Not too long ago, I ran into someone who I hadn’t seen in years. As we were catching up, one of the things that she inquired about was the status of someone who we have in common — or at least used to. I’m definitely not friends with this person anymore because, let’s just say that they did something that was so selfish and even emotionally cruel, that there is simply no coming back from it. That said, I haven’t not forgiven them; it’s just that, even though I knew that they had some narcissistic traits, I didn’t realize that they were capable of going as low as they did or that they would absolutely suck at holding themselves accountable when I brought the issue to their attention.
Y’all, when it comes to reconciling with someone on the friendship tip, while I am sometimes open to the possibility, what I am absolutely not interested in is when those who don’t take accountability for their actions try to come at me on some, “Girl, you’re still on that? When are you going to let that go?” gaslighting mess. And why is that the case? Because if someone isn’t willing to acknowledge what they did — or how you feel about what they did — there is a huge chance that they are going to repeat the same actions…and next time, it could be worse.
And so, before doing anything else, the first thing that you should reflect upon is why the friendship break-up transpired in the first place. Was it just a big misunderstanding or did some pretty damning things transpire that revealed a lot about the person’s character and/or their commitment (or lack thereof) to the friendship overall? It’s hard to begin something new if you’re not sure about why “it” ended to begin with.
Have You BOTH Taken Accountability?
Speaking of accountability, it takes two people to be friends and usually, it takes the actions (or inactions) of two people, at least on some level, to bring a friendship to an end as well — and that brings me to the next point. Many years ago, a former friend of mine decided to marry a guy who had all sorts of red flags. Partly because I’m a marriage life coach and then partly because I’m simply Shellie, all of my friends know that if I see a very potential relational trainwreck about to happen, I’m absolutely going to speak up — and with her, I did. Her church told her that I was being an “enemy” of the engagement (chile) and so she ended our friendship.
I believe she was still in her newlywed years when we ran into each other at an event. All she did the entire time was sob and, although we weren’t friends anymore, because I did still care about her, afterward, we spoke for several hours — about everything, including what ultimately transpired between us. I was glad that we had that conversation because I was able to take accountability for how abrupt I was and how I could’ve been more compassionate and she took accountability for not standing up for herself enough to where some strangers (of our friendship) could get her to make such a drastic decision.
Still, when it was all said and done, although I was glad that we were able to make peace when she mentioned us exchanging numbers so that we could go thrift store shopping (which is totally one of my favorite things to do to this day), I passed. After sharing some of the things that she was going through now that she actually was a wife, there was nowhere for us to go. I still wasn’t in support and yet I’m no idiot — a person’s spouse needs to take priority over their friendships (some folks seem to forget/ignore that) and so there was no point in putting either one of us through “act two” of the drama and trauma.
Yet remember again what I said: we both were in a peace-filled place and that wasn’t the case when we initially “broke up” — and the only thing that really brought us there was us both holding ourselves accountable. The takeaway here is definitely don’t consider trying again with someone if you’re both not willing to own what brought you to the ending of your friendship in the first place. Why? Because if neither of you changed, what’s going to be different now? Straight up.
Let’s Go Back Over What “Reconcile” Means
So, what if, in your opinion, what led to the breakup is truly something that you can get past and both of you have been very open, honest, and candid about what y’all could’ve/should’ve done better? What next? Well, my recommendation would be to keep in mind that “there are layers to this thing” as far as reconciliation is concerned. What I mean by that is, that there are different definitions of the word and so, you need to decide what your goal is — and by that I mean, what actually would be best for you and them.
Reconcile: to cause (a person) to accept or be resigned to something not desired; to win over to friendliness; cause to become amicable; to compose or settle (a quarrel, dispute, etc.); to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent; to restore
Another friendship story — this time, it’s with a guy. After almost three decades of being close, a former friend of mine got a girlfriend; one who, after only a few weeks, decided that she should “pull rank” on our friendship…and chile, he allowed it. Suddenly, he was sneaking to talk to me on the phone or rushing off whenever she was around. He was basically treating me like a side chick which was weird as hell because our friendship had literally “survived” a fiancée and a wife (two different women) with no problems. The way he handled all of that, I lost so much respect for him that I ended the friendship.
The birthday following our break-up, he sent me some money and I asked him what his agenda was. He said that he wanted the friendship back, that his relationship was toxic and yet, he was still going to keep her in his life while trying to rebuild our friendship. Are you kidding me? To choose chaos is…chaotic. And so, the kind of reconciling that I decided to do with him was that first definition: get him to realize that we can’t be friends when he’s with a woman who moves like she does. We can be cool, but our intimacy is over. She’s unsafe which made him unsafe (for me) too (check out “Are You An Emotionally & Relationally Safe Person To Be Around? 6 Ways To Know.”).
Then there’s the type of reconciliation that I spoke about right before this. By talking everything out with “her,” we were able to get to an amicable place and position — and sometimes, that’s all that needs to happen because, as I oftentimes say, you get old (and mature) enough and you both realize and accept that there is a significant amount of space between “friend” and “enemy” — many relationships (or situations or interactions) fall somewhere in there.
And then there’s the kind of reconciliation that literally brings two people back together. That requires settling matters and then seeing if you can get back into some sort of holistic agreement so that the relationship can be restored — and that takes quite a bit of mutual time and effort.
That’s why, the next thing that I recommend is asking yourself what kind of reconciling you’re after: getting clarity on why things need to remain as they are; a conversation that can bring both of you into a state of peace, so that folks aren’t rolling eyes at the mall or being passive aggressive on social media? Or do you feel like there is enough to salvage to where you want to try to be friends again?
Now, let me just say that before you give (yourself) an answer, restoration is a bit of a layered word too:
Restore: to bring back into existence, use, or the like; reestablish; to bring back to a state of health, soundness, or vigor; to put back to a former place, or to a former position, rank, etc.; to give back; make return or restitution of (anything taken away or lost)
Synonyms: bring back, build up, improve, reinstate, repair, revive, replace, rescue, strengthen
What these definitions amplify is if you’re thinking about restoring a friendship, you’ve got to ponder all of these definitions, so that you can know what it will require and entail. I mean, do you want to bring it back to where it was before? If so, why? Are you both willing to “make restitution” by making amends for what you both may have emotionally lost as a direct result of the break-up? Was your friendship even healthy to begin with? Because you can’t bring something “back to a healthy state” unless it was initially in one (and that’ll preach!).
Yeah, a part of the reason why I even wanted to tackle this topic is some folks think that “fixing a friendship” is simply a matter of saying that you did — oh, but it requires so much more work than that, chile. That’s why you’ve really got to be real with yourself about if it’s even worth it. Is it?
If Things Aren’t Going To Be Better Than Before, What’s the Point?
Did you notice how synonyms for restore included things like “improve” and even “replace”? When it comes to most of my broken friendships, while again, I have done my part to make sure that there is peace between us, I can’t really say that “getting back with them” would result in a better-than-before dynamic. For one thing, with some of the folks I was friends with, at the time when we became friends, I wasn’t even really friends with myself (check out “Self BFF: 7 Signs You're Your Own Best Friend”) and so I selected them from a broken and/or dysfunctional head and heart space. Others? Because they keep a victim mentality and refuse to take accountability for the breakdown, I simply don’t trust them or see the need to invest in them on a friendship level.
Listen, the folks who I consider to be my friends, they know that I’ve got them and then some and so, especially at this point and place in my life, if a person, place, thing, or idea isn’t going to make me a better person, I don’t see the point in bringing it/them into my intimate space. And definitely, if I’m going to put in the blood, sweat, and tears that are needed to restore a friendship, I’m going to need to see some indications that not only is it NOT going to be a sequel of what we already went through, but that we are BOTH going to do what’s needed for things to be so much better. Otherwise, again, what’s the point?
On repeat for the people in the back: If you’re going to reconcile, just for more of the same — and that was oftentimes stuff that wasn’t good — sis, what’s the point?
Implement a “Probationary” Period
It’s pretty common that when someone first gets hired for a job, they are (usually) given a 90-day probationary period. The main point of that is to see if a new employee is truly a good fit for the job. Personally, when it comes to reconciling with a former friend, I think a similar practice should be limited. I mean, people can say anything — before going all in again, ease into things. Give it a few weeks to see if you both have healed, if growth has truly transpired, and if you still work, as friends, after all that has happened.
By not jumping totally in, that helps you to guard your heart, so that if one or both of you discover that either a friendship isn’t going to work or that it’s time to transition into a different kind of dynamic, feelings are spared and there’s not so much “spilled milk” to clean you. You can transition smoothly with fonder memories in tow.
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Should you reconcile with a friend? I’ll end this with a quote by civil rights activist John M. Perkins: “There is no reconciliation until you recognize the dignity of the other until you see their view — you have to enter into the pain of the people. You've got to feel their need.” If neither of you is at this place, while there may be a need for a conversation, a reconciliation may be premature…if necessary, at all.
Again, if you’re going to enter into phase two of a relationship with a former friend, it should be better than it was before. I hope all of this will help you to determine if that is indeed the case…or not.
Either way, your time, heart, and investments are precious. Reconciliation or not, for your own sake, please choose wisely.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Your April 2025 Horoscopes Are All About Softening Into Love & Speaking Your Truth
April is a month to slow down and to fully grasp what has been. The month starts in fiery Aries Season, but we are also in the thick of Retrograde Season as we begin the month as well. Thankfully, Mercury finally goes direct on April 7, after being retrograde mid-March, and communication matters are clearing up. This is a month of mental clarity, a fresh start, and not being afraid to dream a little bigger.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, and this Full Moon brings relationship and financial matters full circle. This is the time to let go of what doesn’t make you feel balanced or in harmony and to create space for more peace to enter your life. Venus goes direct in Pisces on the same day, after being retrograde since March 1, and love is healing. With Venus now direct, there are more opportunities for commitment and longevity in love, and there is overall a greater feeling of romance, receptivity, and compassion in the air now.
Mercury enters Aries from April 16 until May 10, and what you were trying to see through or understand better while Mercury was retrograde here last month, you are experiencing a breakthrough now. Mercury in Aries is insightful and courageous, and people are more likely to speak their minds and initiate conversation with this energy. Mars then enters Leo from April 18 until June 17, reminding us that sometimes it’s okay to be a little more selfish and to focus on what you need right now. Mars in Leo brings forth confidence, creativity, and passion, and brings an exciting energy to charge of your life and advocate for yourself.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, bringing some earth sign energy into the mix, grounding and nurturing what you are creating in your life right now. On April 27, we have a New Moon in Taurus, and this is an abundant and fruitful New Moon. This is one of the best New Moons of the year for you to set your intentions for your financial world and a time for seeing new opportunities for abundance. On the last day of the month, Venus moves into Aries until June 6th, and love requires a little more passion, independence, and excitement during this time.
Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
ARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CANCER
This month is all about balancing your time and energy wisely, Cancer. You are being reminded not to overwork or overwhelm yourself in April, and to focus on doing the things that are within your control right now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of the month so you are feeling really passionate about the things you are developing in your life right now, but it’s all about finding the right balance between your personal goals and your needs in your relationships as well.
The Full Moon in Libra on April 12 will be a time to devote your energy to self-care, close loved ones, and overall getting some time to decompress. You are ready to let go of the things that don’t make you feel safe or nurtured and are receiving an emotional renewal right now. The New Moon in Taurus at the end of the month is a time to focus on your intentions on your community, friendships, and aspirations in life, and to pay attention to where you can create more abundance here.
LEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
On April 18, Mars enters your sign until June 17, and this is huge for you. You began the year with Mars retrograde in your sign, so you are getting the opportunity now, to rewrite some of the things that weren’t working for you at the beginning of the year. You are overcoming previous obstacles, and experiencing a breakthrough in your life this month. Before April ends, there is a New Moon in Taurus, highlighting your career, reputation, and professional life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for what goals you want to come to fruition for you now.
VIRGO
This month is all about building new foundations in your life, Virgo. You are feeling more supported and in tune with your own inner needs and interests, and it’s bringing you closer to people and systems that resonate. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct this month on April 7 after being retrograde for the past few weeks; bringing more clarity, understanding, and compassion to your partnerships in life. You are focused on love this month and are working together with others to make your dreams come true.
Mid-month, Mars moves into your 12th house of closure and endings, and there is a journey of healing that you experience until June 17. You are motivated to understand yourself better and are looking at the past more right now in order to do so. This is a month of recovering and healing from what has been, for new foundations to be built upon. The New Moon on April 27 is a beautiful way to end the month, as you are getting glimpses of a new, abundant, adventure that is ahead of you.
LIBRA
This is a big month of closure for you, Libra. The Sun is in your 7th house of love for most of April, and your heart is in the right place. With Venus, your ruling planet, going direct on April 12 after being retrograde since March 1, you are finally able to take a breath. You are not experiencing as many obstacles when it comes to communication matters and you are feeling like you have the tools you need to move forward right now.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
SCORPIO
April is a month of success, progress, and dreams coming to fruition, Scorpio. You are focused on your health, your priorities, and creating space for the new beginnings that you are creating in your life right now. The Full Moon mid-month is a big closure moment for you, and you are owning the fact that you have healed and you are no longer the same person you were in the past. This is a month of stepping into your power and feeling supported in doing so.
Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SAGITTARIUS
April is a new beginning for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on putting the action and effort behind your goals, and you are being proactive within the opportunities that you are looking for right now. With a Full Moon in your 11th house of aspirations mid-month, you are letting go of the way you thought things would play out for you and are owning a more abundant version of things.
On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus, which will be highlighting your health and what your body needs more of right now. This is a New Moon to set your intentions for your everyday life and to create a new, beneficial routine that will make things easier for you at the end of the day. Before the month ends, Venus enters your 9th house of adventure, and you are leaving the month with your sights set high. Travel plans are likely, and this is a good time to create some new plans for yourself.
CAPRICORN
April is about putting one step in front of the other with patience and dedication and trusting the decisions you are making for yourself right now, Capricorn. The Sun is in your 4th house for most of the month, and you are yearning for your safe spaces, comfort foods, and loyal people. Giving yourself more time to decompress, take care of yourself, and ground your energy is essential this month.
Mars enters your 8th house of transformation mid-month and will be fueling your need for some change, excitement, and emotional rejuvenation over the next month and a half. You are entering an impactful moment of the year for you, and you are motivated toward change right now. The New Moon at the end of the month is in a fellow earth sign, highlighting the romantic new beginnings you are entering now. Overall, this month is a process, and you are opening new doors while finding gratitude in what is here for you now.
AQUARIUS
April is about giving yourself time to process, accept, and gain a new perspective, Aquarius. You are being guided towards friendship, connection, and community, and are understanding what may be creating the discord in your life that has been distancing you from that. The Full Moon this month is happening in Libra on April 12, and you are ready to let go of feeling like you have to do it all at once or all alone. This month is a reminder to take your time with all the experiences you want to have, trusting that they will come to fruition for you.
Mars enters your house of love and partnership on April 18, and you enter a passionate and steamy time. Romance is in the air for you as you move through the month, and you are spending more of your time with those who you want to move forward with. Venus also moves into a relationship area of your chart before April ends, and you are surrounded by love and community. Overall, this month is showing you that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the heavy stuff alone either.
PISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
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Hmph. I know there has got to be at least three times a week when our grandparents will hear about something that folks present as being revolutionary that causes them to just roll their eyes, shrug their shoulders, and continue to go on with whatever they were doing. Listen, call it old-fashioned thinking if you want to but if you want to avoid a lot of unnecessary regret in this life, hang out with your elders (and actually listen to what they are saying) sometimes — they’ve already been where you are and, since when it comes to them, you can’t say the same, you just might get a few gems (in fact, I can almost guarantee it).
Take sobergasms, for instance. Oh, I’m willing to bet that a senior in your life has mentioned them, just in another way, before. If you’ve never heard of the term, it’s actually a pretty good one because it means just what you think it does: SOBER ORGASMS. And just to make sure that we all are on the same page, it’s sex — that hopefully includes orgasms — that involves very little to no alcohol.
I thought that it was important to address this term for a couple of different reasons. One is for the reason that is mentioned in the origin story of sobergasms that I will address in just a sec. Another is because…people who are in long-term committed relationships? I think it’s pretty safe to say that, unless they both have some sort of substance abuse situation going on, most of them have sex some, if not most of the time, without alcohol (and certainly without drunkenness) being involved. Those who engage in casual/recreational sex, though? Well, I’ve got some stats included in this piece that will show you how much alcohol and copulation go hand in hand in a lot of those instances.
And although some studies say that casual sex (i.e., hook-up culture) isn’t quite as rampant as it was, even just a few years ago, at the same time, let’s not act like it isn’t still happening. Hell, every time we hop on social media, we see evidence (and sometimes fallout) of that. Plus, while many people are out here declaring that they don’t want or need marriage anymore (chile) — do you hear them saying that they feel the same way about sex?Yeah…exactly.
With all of this being said, let’s take a moment to look into what sobergasms are really all about and why, if you are sexually active and are not in anything serious, you should strongly consider having (more of) them.
The Origin Story of Sobergasms Is…
Aight, so here’s the backstory of sobergasms. Last year, right around the holiday season, the sexual wellness brand Lovehoney decided to partner up with an alcohol-free drink company (CleanCo) to create a mocktail (I will share the recipe in just a sec) — you know, a cocktail that doesn’t have any alcohol in it. They did it because their UK (where they are based) research revealed that people tend to drink almost 40 percent more during the holidays (in the US, Americans reportedly drink twice as much as they usually do around that time).
If you add to that the fact that Lovehoney conducted their own study which cited that 64 percent of participants have admitted to having sex while being intoxicated and yet only 20 percent said that they actually enjoyed it.
And that was the main motivation for why Lovehoney came up with sobergasms: it’s a way to encourage people to be more intentional about going without drinking (so much) so that they can engage in the kind of sex that they will actually find to be pleasurable; especially since their findings also discovered that only 29 percent of men and 11 percent of women have consistent orgasms when they are drunk compared to 45 percent of men and 15 percent of women who do when they are sober.
As I thought about all of this, I decided to go on my own fact-finding mission about alcohol and its relationship to sex. It helped me to come up with even more reasons to cosign on sobergasms — and I’m hoping that it will do the same thing for you.
Before I share 10 interesting stats, first, the recipe for the mocktail that Lovehoney and CleanCo came up with:
Sobergasm Clean Drink
25ml fresh lime juice
50ml CleanCo Clean T
1 tbsp fresh orange juice
1 tbsp hot honey
Sea salt, chili flakes, and lime for garnish
You can click here for thorough instructions on how to make it. Over on this side of the pond, we’re pretty big on mocktails ourselves and so, if you'd like to test out some other recipes, check out “10 Spring/Summer Cocktails (& Mocktails) That Your Vagina Will Truly Enjoy” and “Sexy Sips: 8 Fall-Themed Mocktails That Are Aphrodisiacs Too.”
And while you’re pondering which mocktail you would actually like to try first, let’s get into some other reasons why oftentimes “less is best” when it comes to mixing sexual activity with alcohol consumption.
10 Stats to Keep in Mind When It Comes to Mixing Sex with Alcohol
When it comes to how many people partake in alcoholic beverages, Gallup cites that 65 percent of Americans who are over the age of 21 claim to do so. Out of those, the average amount of drinks that they consume on a weekly basis is around four. The preferred drink of choice? Wine (31-35 percent) with liquor being a close second (30 percent). Now factor all of this into your mind as you read the following information about alcohol and its relationship to sex:
1. One study revealed that almost 30 percent of participants were less safe when it came to their sexual decisions due to them having alcohol in their system.
2. About half of the sexual assaults that happen on college campuses involve alcohol whether it’s the perpetrator, the victim, or both.
3. Among college-aged women, when they are having sex while in a relationship, alcohol is involved 20 percent of the time. When it’s casual sex? Alcohol is involved 53 percent of the time (heavy drinking happened a whopping 36 percent of the time).
4. 42 percent of college students binge drink and 400,000 of them have sex without using a condom while consuming alcohol.
5.One study revealed that almost 72 percent of college students regretted their sexual decisions at least once. Out of the ones surveyed, almost 32 percent said that alcohol was involved when they did.
6.Of people aged 18-25, more individuals regretted having sex while having alcohol in their system than they did when it came to weed or ecstasy.
7. Women tend to participate in “non-traditional” sexual acts and masturbate more when they are intoxicated than when they are sober.
8. Although a small amount of alcohol in a woman’s system can arouse them sexually, high amounts will decrease it and can even make it harder for them to become naturally lubricated.
9. Alcohol increases the probability of having more sex partners for women.
10. Alcohol can make it more challenging for women to climax.
When you take all of this in, although I certainly appreciate how Lovehoney has brought to our attention that too much alcohol can make sex less physically pleasurable, as you can see, it can also make coitus more risky, potentially more dangerous and it can cause us to make some pretty unwise decisions, if we’re not careful as well.
And so honestly, this additional intel should further solidify why you should be uber cautious and super careful if you are going to bring alcohol into the picture when it comes to having sex with another person — again, especially if it’s recreational sex. Because even though intercourse, on average, lasts between 3-7 minutes (Google is right there), that small window of time can result in a lifetime of consequences that you may not wish to experience.
Besides, it’s not like sober sex doesn’t have its own benefits…
5 Benefits of Having Sex While You’re Completely Sober
You know what’s interesting about the word “sober”? It doesn’t just mean that you aren’t drunk; it also means that you are “rational,” “self-controlled” and “level-headed” — and yes, when you are about to have sex with someone who you aren’t in a serious, long-term or exclusive sexual relationship with, it’s best that you are all of these things. Because while alcohol can initially make you feel like sexual activity will be more fun, sober sex has the following five proven things to offer.
1. You can better trust your decisions. Recently, I watched a video of four women who taped and posted themselves driving drunk. Moments later, all of them were ejected from the vehicle that they were in and only one survived (and she is in critical condition). Imagine if they could go back in time and go without having alcohol in their system before getting in that vehicle. SMDH.
When it comes to today’s topic, no matter what pop culture tries to tell you, any act that can potentially result in you conceiving or contracting something that doesn’t have a cure is serious as all get out. That’s why, especially when it comes to casual sex, you want to make sure that you go into the act as level-headed as possible — and you can only really do that if/when you are sober.
2. You can clearly articulate your needs and expectations. We’ve all seen a movie (or personally know someone) where a woman got tipsy and wanted to do certain sexual things; however, as alcohol began to affect her system even more, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to go further or not. When you’re sober, it’s so much easier to articulate what you want/don’t want and what your expectations are. T
hat said, there are so many people who have sex-related regrets and a big part of the reason is because alcohol totally clouded their judgment and sometimes altered their thoughts and words. Definitely something to (always) keep in mind when it comes to consuming alcohol in the presence of others.
3. You’re more present. I also want to make sure that I touch on some of the things that prompted Lovehoney to come up with sobergasms in the first place. As far as the purely pleasurable side of sex goes, ask anyone who has a satisfying situation in their bedroom and I’m willing to bet that one thing that they will advise is to not overthink the experience and to remain in the moment.
When you’re intoxicated, your mind tends to be all over the place. When you’re sober-minded, it’s easier to remain focused.
4. Sex definitely tends to be more pleasurable. I’ve already shared with you that you are wetter and it’s easier for you to climax when you don’t have a lot of alcohol in your system. A part of the reason is that, since your brain is your biggest sex organ, it’s important to keep in mind that alcohol has a way of negatively affecting the communication pathways of your brain; when that happens, it can cause your moods to become erratic and you tend to become less coordinated too.
Not well-lubricated. Not climaxing. In a bad mood. Do those that sound like the keys to an awesome sexual experience? Right…absolutely not.
5. There is a lot less regret. Once you have sex with someone, you can’t take it back. That’s why it’s so important that you go into the act feeling like this is something that you really want to do (the person and the acts included); you significantly decrease the chances of you having this type of certainty when you’re not sober. And sexual regret can sometimes be one of the hardest things to get past.
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Sobergasms. Although there seem to be new terms that come up daily, one that I can definitely get behind is that. Because it encourages everyone to be sober-minded and sexually responsible in order to ultimately have a more fulfilling sexual experience.
And I will certainly raise a mocktail to that.
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