It's hard to come to terms with the messed up parts of other people. But it's even harder to come to terms with the parts of ourselves that are weak or wrecked. During this time of self-isolation, it's brought me to the point of soul-searching. I began to dig deep and unfold the parts of me that didn't seem to be evolving or were simply untapped into. When we take a look back on our lives we always place our focus on what has gone good for us and the parts of ourselves that are most likable, but that's surface level understanding of who we truly are. If a person really wants to grow, then you also have to take a hard look at the parts of yourself that are least desirable and possibly even dark.
In psychology, the term "shadow" is defined as the hidden parts of self or the unconscious aspect of personality. I took it upon myself to dive deeper into the parts of me I didn't like to face because they may have scared me, made me feel uncomfortable or I just didn't have a clear understanding of those emotions. Using a technique called Shadow Work, I began to reveal the darker side of my thoughts and feelings to help me gain a better perspective of who and what I'm capable of. It's not all sunshine and roses diving into the eerie parts of self but, I was looking to bring myself to a healthier understanding of what things play a fundamental role in the way I respond, engage, and live my life.
I struggled with trying to understand why I'm always putting forth effort into my relationships, friendships and work and often not receiving reciprocity from the sources I gave my all to.
I realized that my upbringing had a great influence on the woman I am today and the core values I've held onto throughout my life. My identity was halted at five years old when I began to take on the burdens of an adult as a young child. My mother and father have been married for 35 years this coming July, but when I was a young child my father got sentenced to prison for 17 years over a physical altercation that turned deadly. The pain that my mother endured from my father being imprisoned and taken away from the lovely family environment they built brought us all great grief to the point that it was nearly unbearable. I decided then that I had to be a strong girl for my mother so that she could get throiugh these 17 years my father would be away with ease. She had enough on her plate and I never wanted to be another source of worry for her. I only wanted to bring her joy and relief. I adapted to emotional detachment and an ideology that showing fear or emotions only made me weak.
The technique of shadow work is simply about asking the hard questions we may be afraid to face. Unfortunately, that's not always an easy task to tackle. The answers won't necessarily flow to you right away but, it's about exploring the depths of self that may not be knowingly present. No one is perfect and we all have flaws, that's what makes us unique. Those flaws however need to be tended to just the same as the parts of ourselves that we nurture.
Starting the process of shadow work through journaling, I wrote down 10 things I liked about myself and 10 things I disliked about myself. Once I read over them, that's when I began to analyze the Who, What, Where, When and Why of both sides of myself. Good and Bad.
This technique of meditative journaling revealed what my dark side was trying to teach me about myself:
The WHO
Diving into the WHO of my life showed me who made an impact on me and how it caused me to form other relationships with people. Because I saw things through an adult lens, I felt pressure to take on the role of authority very young.
I made decisions based around what would make other people happy throughout my life, often neglecting my own feelings and needs.
I morphed into what other people projected onto me, thinking I could handle more than the average person could, but never reciprocating that same energy back.
The WHAT
The WHAT dealt with the battles I choose to fight in my life and what I deemed necessary to prove a point on. I've always had a rebellious nature. I was trying to prove that I could handle things on my own because other people have always depended on me and I've always come through. Freedom is extremely important to me and I didn't like being told what to do because I felt as though I had things figured out. That, in turn, made me go out of my way to prove a point when anyone doubted me or what I was capable of. It made me feel exhausted many times to the point that I couldn't enjoy myself or I'd avoid engagements just so I wouldn't feel depleted if I had to make a point. I was always protecting the well-being of others but who really was there looking out for me. I chose to be of service to many when I should of chose my own sanity.
The WHERE and WHEN
Asking the question of WHERE and WHEN allowed me to see where I was willing to draw the line between right and wrong. I had adopted many of the beliefs, thoughts, and logic that I absorbed from my environment. My environment growing up impacted the person I am today deeply. Having boundaries in many of my relationships, whether it be personal or business-related, has always been an issue. When it came to family, friends or lovers, I'd be willing to do almost anything within my power to help them. Seeing the good in everyone, I struggled with knowing when to walk away at times because I could see the potential in people. In business, I'd take on a workload that was oftentimes extremely excessive, leaving me feeling stressed.
Growing up, I saw every woman that looked like me going the extra mile to make ends meet or please their loved ones, so I believed that's what I had to do as well.
I lacked a clear understanding of what boundaries I need to set for myself and oftentimes let people cross the line. Once the lines were blurred, it was hard to recognize what was actually right or wrong. I couldn't make clear decisions if I couldn't decipher what was necessary (or unnecessary) in my life.
The WHY
The ultimate question of WHY I am who I am was based around the simple fact of my unchanged behavior. All the fear I kept inside, self-doubt, and lack of understanding was often expressed in manic behavior. The shadow or hidden parts of myself, especially surrounding my upbringing, never truly had a light shone on them. I had to get the courage to see which aspects of my life made me feel conflicted. I could never understand why certain events would continue to arise in my life repeatedly. Once I realized that areas of myself were blocked from the opinions and outlooks I adapted, I began to allow myself to see from other viewpoints and perspectives. That ultimately led me to realize that I lacked power over my circumstances when I put the well-being of others before myself.
Taking a look back on the pieces that make me who I am,is a complete eye-opener. Such simple questions being asked dug deep into the things that I believed were healed and whole. It's a process of discovering self. In order to achieve goals and obtain the self-love I desire, I had to accept the parts of me that aren't always praise-worthy.
Understanding that I am not everyone's keeper but instead my own keeper was the essential lesson I learned through the shadow work process.
I carried the burdens of others way too long and I had to learn to set clear boundaries between what deserves my energy and what doesn't. My strength was never tied to how much I could take on or handle, but how much love I shine into other people's lives.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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With the revered "White Lotus bump" in mind, if you’re looking to turn your White Lotus vacation dreams into reality, here’s everything to know before booking your trip to the "Land of Smiles."
The White Lotus Hotel Location
From season to season, the fictional White Lotus hotel serves as the show’s throughline, with the Four Seasons Resort Maui at Wailea central to the first season and the aforementioned San Domenico Palace, Taormina, A Four Seasons Hotel last season. This season, the Four Seasons Resort Koh Samui, is the hotel.
With sweeping 43 acres nestled on steep slopes that overlook the pristine waters of the Gulf of Thailand, this oasis offers private hillside villas bordered with tropical greenery, infinity pools, and a world-class spa in the heart of the Thailand jungle making it fitting to be the undeniably picturesque and tranquil backdrop for this season.
Other filming locations for the White Lotus Thailand captured in the series included Anantara Lawana, Anantara Bophut, and Anantara Mai Khao Phuket, per The Hollywood Reporter.
The Four Seasons
How Much Does It Cost to Book the White Lotus Hotel?
With a "core clientele of affluent travellers, honeymooners, and wellness seekers," if you want to book a stay at the Four Seasons Resort Koh Samui, be prepared to splurge for your leisure. Standard rates for villas start at about $1,000 per night, offering sea views of the Gulf of Thailand as well as surrounding islands and tropical gardens. It also comes with an infinity pool equipped with a private deck and sun loungers.
One of the more expensive residences on the property, the Four-Bedroom Residence Villa with a Pool costs around $11,000 a night and comes complete with a personal butler, two infinity pools, and chef, with the goal to provide guests with "the ultimate indoor-outdoor living experience."
Fun fact: The Ratliff family in White Lotus Season 3 series stay in the resort's Residence #9 multi-level villa.
What To Expect at The Four Seasons Koh Samui Thailand
The Four Seasons Koh Samui Thailand is designed to be an exhale. Perched within the nature of the laid-back island lifestyle Koh Samui is known for, the idyllic resort hosts a bevy of relaxing activities, escapes, and excursions. From world-class healing treatments that can be indulged in while surrounded by lush greenery via the Secret Garden Spa or while overlooking the Gulf to activities like beachfront dining for two, sunrise yoga, or paddleboarding, the resort seeks to give you a taste of a little bit of everything the island has to offer.
High above the resort is the KOH Thai Kitchen and Bar, serving up an elevated dining experience on the resort, thanks to panoramic views of the island while you indulge in the vibrant flavors of dishes featuring fresh-caught seafood and ingredients that are locally sourced.
KOH Thai Kitchen and Bar at The Four Seasons Koh Samui
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Featured image by Ken Seet/The Four Seasons