Every single person struggles with self-confidence from time to time. It is natural to not feel confident in everything that we do. In the bedroom, too, lacking confidence is a normal part of life because of imposter syndrome and insecurities about our bodies. Sex is a confidence problem ready to happen. If you engage in sexual activity long enough, you’re bound to face difficulties at some point or another.
Society teaches us to love sex and excel at it, but we are expected to keep it quiet. How does that work? I believe that people who talk about sex tend to have better sex. So, instead of shying away from your insecurities around sex, you should embrace them and figure out how to overcome them. What better way to gain sexual confidence than to learn firsthand from an actual sex expert?
How To Be More Sexually Confident, According To Experts
Listed below are tips on how you can boost their confidence in bed from some of my favorite sex experts and educators.
Honor your body through your senses.
"I believe that women and femmes can become more sexually confident by honoring their body through their senses (our sense of sight, taste, touch, smell, listening, visioning/mind). By asking a question like, 'Which touches or sensations feel good to my physical body?' we can open the door to exploring our sensuality. Our sensuality is a building block to sexual confidence. Learning how to Pleasure Map can support women and femmes increase their sexual confidence. Pleasure Mapping is an intentional act and skill by an individual or partners exploring varieties of physical touches, their sensations, intensities, temperatures, and directions that bring them pleasure in their bodies.
"By asking a question like, 'Which touches or sensations feel good to my physical body?' we can open the door to exploring our sensuality. Our sensuality is a building block to sexual confidence."
"This exploration and this pause to touch their bodies with intention can support them in learning what turns them on both sensually and sexually. Understanding their bodies, in turn, helps them feel empowered. Then, women and femmes can take new knowledge, skill and embody that sexual confidence so they can use it in whatever way we see fit. It doesn’t matter whether they are single or with partner/s."
– Andrea Richardson (she/her), Certified Full Spectrum Doula (BADT)
Give yourself grace and do not compare yourself to others.
"To become more sexually confident, you first have to be gentle with yourself and give yourself grace! We all have various upbringings and backgrounds that shape how we approach sex and sexuality. This may require some unlearning or reframing of the things you learned or internalized. Go at your own pace and do NOT compare yourself, your body, or your journey to anyone else's because everyone is different and you will not have all the details of anyone's story but your own."
– Chanel Jaali Marshall, Sexologist and Human Sexuality Ph.D. Student
Remember that our sexualness lives in our bodies.
"Get out of your head. Our sexualness lives in our bodies, the thoughts we have about our bodies, our pleasure, and our sexuality don’t serve our confidence. When we KNOW something we are more confident and getting to know your body will increase your sexual confidence. Also, consider taking an embodiment course or learning some gentle somatic practices that help you drop into the feeling body out of the thinking brain."
– Amina Peterson, Somatic Abolitionist, Tantric Sex & Intimacy Coach
Write yourself a love letter about your fantasies.
"In order to be able to grow your sexual confidence within yourself you have to be able to effectively articulate what makes you feel sexy. This happens through our relationship with words, because words have meaning. My advice is to write yourself a love letter expressing your fantasies and be as detailed as possible. When you are done, take a moment and step away from it. Then come back and allow yourself to review with an open mind."
— Mystkue Woods, MEd, Sexuality Arts Educator and CEO of Mystkue Publications
Examine the ways your sexuality has been defined for you, and redefine it for yourself.
"I believe that women can become more sexually confident and connect more into their sexuality when they begin to examine the ways in which societal and cultural expectations have shaped their thoughts about sex, sexuality, and who they are as a sexual being. Many women are shamed and sexualized and accept those ideologies as the way they should behave and think about their own sexuality. Self-reflection, acceptance of self, and release of sexual shame, and perhaps an acknowledgment and healing from sexual trauma can be the first steps to sexual liberation."
— Tanya Bass, PhD, CHES, CSE
Dance in front of the mirror naked.
"Dance in front of the mirror naked. As you're dancing, be sure to spend time admiring what you love about your body. Take notice of how your different body parts move, giggle, and flow with the music. If you find yourself thinking about what you don’t like about your body, redirect your thoughts to how much you love the song that’s playing or refocus on the parts you DO LOVE!"
— Chanta Blue, Sex & Relationship Therapist at Blue Counseling & Wellness Center
Ritualize getting ready in ways that make you feel sexy.
"Create a getting ready routine with songs playing all throughout the house that make you feel sexy. Take your time getting ready, and consider slowly caressing your body as you get dressed. Try a new or bold lipstick. Go perfume testing and find a scent that really compliments you."
— Tia Evans MSW MEd LCSW CST
Step into your power as a woman and never forget it.
"I believe women can become more sex confident by learning what is true. When women learn that they're worthy, beautiful, sexual, free, and deserving of pleasure they become more sex confident."
— Dr. Jacqueline Sherman, licensed clinical psychologist and certified intimacy & relationship coach.
Give yourself permission to be free.
"Sexual freedom arrives when you stop waiting for permission to be free. It’s past time to take your fantasies off of your pillow, I promise you’ll enjoy it in real life."
— Dr. Hareder Mcdowell, Community Psychologist & Black Female sexuality researcher
Have open dialogues about sex, what's taboo, and what you've experienced.
"In my experience, having open dialogue with other vulva owners has helped with my sexual confidence. The reality is, no single one of us knows everything there is to know about our own bodies or how to have sex with others. If we continue to have candid convos with people we trust, and NOT just the people we are sleeping with, it definitely helps boost sexual confidence.
"Sharing experiences takes the taboo out of some of the things we are scared to try because at least our home girl tried it and she said it ain’t that bad. The point is, having honest discussions about our experiences will help us all be more confident and hopefully create better sexual experiences for all of us."
— @Toy._ the self-proclaimed sex sensei
Focus on your assets instead of what you're lacking.
"For me, sexual confidence begins within. It starts with our identity and mentality. In order to become more sexually confident, I believe women should focus on being comfortable in their own skin with more self-love (i.e., positive self-talk and body positivity) and a lot less comparison to others. Focus on your assets, not what you think you’re lacking. You are beautiful and uniquely you!"
— Dr. Ashley Townes, Sexual Health Researcher
Self-reflect and practice your sexual confidence.
"Sexual confidence requires self-awareness and insight. It requires self-respect and self-love. How one treats themselves and speaks to themself can contribute to both building or destroying one’s sexual confidence. Sexual confidence is not solely about sex, yet [it's] about your relationship with sex and the relationship you have with yourself.
"Sexual confidence is not solely about sex, yet [it's] about your relationship with sex and the relationship you have with yourself."
"Such confidence can be externally displayed through your aura/energy, the way you walk, speak, eye contact, and body movements. If ever lost, sexual confidence can be found again - through means such as self-reflection, practice, therapy, and/or coaching."
— Jasmine Brown, MA, International Trauma-focused Sexologist
Feature image by Jose Luis Pelaez Inc/ Getty Images
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