Lose weight. Change jobs. Spend more quality time with the kids. These are the kinds of New Year's resolutions that are pretty common. But if you're married, tell me something. When's the last time you put a resolution on your list that specifically had to do with improving your sex life?
Being that 15-20 percent of married couples have sex less than 15 times a year, which is the textbook definition of a sexless marriage. I just read about a couple that's been married for 25 years and haven't had sex for 20 of 'em — W-O-W — and coupled with a considerable amount of women that still struggle with achieving a vaginal orgasm, and a lack of intimacy continuing to lead the pack of being a reason for divorce, doesn't it seem like wanting a better sex life should be a top priority? But how many couples actually make it so?
Sex Resolutions for Couples
Many reputable therapists and life coaches will tell you that there are two main reasons why resolutions fail within the first month of making them. One is due to a lack of accountability. The other has to do with not seeing immediate results. Well, if you want to have more mind-blowing sex, your spouse can serve as your accountability partner and, if you incorporate some of the things that I'm about to share with you, you'll be well on your way to seeing some pretty earth-shattering results!
Are you ready to make this the year of the best sex you've ever had in your entire married life? Read on below.
1.Upgrade Your Bedroom.
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Interior designers say it all of the time — the bedroom is for sex and sleep. But does your bedroom convey that kind of message? In other words, how sexy is that room in your house? If it's about as sexy as one of your kid's rooms, there's no time like the present to give it an upgrade.
As far as wall colors go, couples with caramel-colored ones reportedly get it on no less than three times a week, although eggplant and shades of blue can also get you in the mood. If it's time for a new mattress, a Sapira hybrid by Leesa one is firm and also absorbs a considerable amount of "movement noise" (if you've got kids). As far as bedding goes, cotton sheets with a real 200-thread count are affordable and comfortable. The color of them is up to you, but don't underestimate the power of some crisp white sheets. Word on the street is they subconsciously turn us on (which is a part of the reason why hotels use them).
2.Engage in a Little Morning Sex.
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Sex does everything from boost your immune system and reduce stress to lower your blood pressure and increase your brain power, so why not start off your day by participating in coitus — even if it's just a quickie? Morning sex is not only proven to be a healthy way to start the day, there's also tons of data to support that it can make you a lot more productive as well.
So, if you've been slackin' off on the job lately, don't say you don't know what you can do in order to remedy that. #justsaying
3.Snack on Some Halim Seeds.
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If your libido isn't as intense as it used to be (and your doctor has given you a clean bill of health), the first thing you should do is make sure you're getting no less than six hours of sleep; no one is in the mood if they're dead tired. The second is to snack on some seeds that are gaining the reputation of being quite the libido pick-me-up. They're called halim seeds (also known as garden cress seeds).
If you sprinkle them on your salads or use them as seasoning in your soup, the high amounts of iron and folic acid in them will help to rev your libido up again, along with improving your mood and cognitive brain function too.
4.Become a Karezza Expert.
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According to one study, less than half of married women desire sex on a consistent basis after four years of marriage. It's not due to a lack of interest in sex itself so much as it is about feeling emotionally disconnected from their spouse.
In walks karezza. If you don't speak Italian, it means "caress" in that language. It is the art of slowing things down — way down — in the bedroom. It's kind of like tantric sex, only you're focusing more on touching and fondling than deep breathing.
Couples who do it say that it's helped them to cultivate deeper intimacy and communication which has led to more intense orgasms. For more details on this particular sexual technique, check out "How Does Karezza Work?"
5.Play Some Board Games.
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When you've got kids, it's not always convenient or affordable to get a babysitter so that you and yours can go out. When date night is easier said than done, no problem — just pull out a few board games.
Put your children to bed early, pour from a bottle of red wine (an aphrodisiac), put on some of your favorite 90s R&B, and pull out an adult-only game like Monogamy, Nookii, or The Discovery Game.
They're sexy, they're fun, and they're a great way to get a little closer to your spouse. Literally.
6.Focus on (Non-Obvious) Erogenous Zones.
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If someone were to walk up to you right now and ask you to provide a list of male and female erogenous zones that don't include lips, breasts or genitalia, would you be able to do it?
The cool thing about erogenous zones is not only do they stimulate us, they also relax us as well. That's why offering to give your spouse a massage while focusing on their erogenous zones is a great way to set the perfect mood.
If you need a "zone cheat sheet", men's hot spots include the soles of their feet, thumbs, the crease in between his thighs and his buttocks, ears, neck, scalp and stomach. Women's include ears, neck, inner thighs, hands, belly button and, believe it or not, armpits (try it before you knock it).
7.Try the Hook Position.
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There are literally hundreds of sex positions (click here for some of 'em or Google "245 sex positions" for a site that's a little too racy for this one). But one that is currently getting rave reviews is the hook position. It's not complex. It's simply the missionary position with a woman "hooking" her legs over her partner's shoulders. It's all the rage because more and more couples are finding it to be one of the easiest ways for both partners to achieve an orgasm at the same time. BOOM!
8.Have Sex at 3PM (More Often).
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Like most things in life, our sex hormones are a bit of a roller coaster ride; sometimes they are way up and sometimes they are down. The time of day when a woman's cortisol levels spike (giving her more energy) and a man's estrogen levels are strongest (making him more willing to emotionally connect) is at 3PM.
It might not be the most convenient time of the day, but it's definitely an incentive to either take a late lunch break or finish all of your work so that you can leave early every once in a while.
9.Go to an Adults-Only Vacation Spot.
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11 percent of married couples go on weekly dates. Awesome!
30 percent go once a month. Not bad.
36 percent hardly ever do it. Now that just plain sucks.
If a couple doesn't go to dinner and a movie, it's probably a real stretch to think they go on romantic vacations. If you can't remember the last time you and yours booked a hotel reservation in the city you live in, let alone anywhere else, let 2019 be the year that you do.
Some of the hottest adults-only spots include the Secrets Marquis in Los Cabos, Dome-Shaped Tree House near Malibu, Auberge du Soleil in Napa Valley, Sandals LaSource Grenada or Twin Farms in Vermont (or check out some of the sexiest hotels in the world here).
If these all sound tempting but you don't know how in the world you'll be able to afford it, I wrote about a super-sexy way to pay for a vacation on this site a few months ago. Check out "5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs a Sex Jar".
10.Make Sex Vows (and Renew Them Every Year).
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Enter into the union with formal vows. Vows are verbal promises, pledges, and commitments. I've yet to attend a wedding where sex was made a part of the ceremony vows but being that less than half actually have sex on their wedding night, perhaps it should. Then it would remind couples to make sex a top priority from day one.
It could be romantic, special, and oh so erotic to make it a tradition every year to exchange some vows, specifically about what you promise, pledge and commit to do for your spouse — sexually, of course — in the upcoming year.
If they're heartfelt — and graphic — enough, implementing those vows could become the way you both choose to ring in each and every year.
And since they say that the way you start a year is the way you end up ending it…well. (wink)
Featured image by Getty Images.
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As I quickly ran down my “Christmas list” of desires, as I came towards the end and then looked him in the eyes (because we were walking), he calmly and simply said, “I can be that.” Chile…CHILE. It took me close to a year of discovering so many cryptic things about him for me to realize that there is a really big difference between what someone “can be” vs. who they actually are — and that oversharing can set you up for dating a character more than a genuine individual. Lesson learned. Lesson freakin’ learned.
I can’t lie, though — when I recently read about a current dating trend known as “floodlighting,” from my own personal experience, that’s probably the closest that I’ve ever come to it. I think it’s because, since I’m so open with damn near everyone and also, since my past pattern has mostly consisted of taking friendships into something more (as opposed to dating people who I barely know), I’ve never really taken the classic floodlighting approach to try and connect with someone else.
I do have clients who have, though — and the trend is concerning enough that I definitely thought that it was worth writing about; mostly as a PSA to not floodlight and also to be cautious if you sense that someone is currently in the process of trying to floodlight you.
And just what do I mean when I say that? Read on, sis. Read on.
Floodlighting. According to Author Brené Brown.
GiphyBest-selling author, podcaster, and professor Brené Brown is a pretty popular person. Since quotes are my thing, that’s probably how I “connect” with her most because I like things that she has been credited for saying like “Maybe stories are just data with a soul,” “The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it” and “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
And since self-reflection is such a big part of her platform, it didn’t really surprise me when I found out that she is actually credited for coming up with the term “floodlighting.” It would seem that in her audiobook, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections, and Courage, she stated this:
“Oversharing? Not vulnerability; I call it floodlighting. ... A lot of times we share too much information as a way to protect us from vulnerability, and here's why.
I'm scared to let you know that I just wrote this article and I'm under total fire for it and people are making fun of me and I'm feeling hurt — the same thing that I told someone in an intimate conversation. So what I do is I floodlight you with it — I don't know you very well or I'm in front of a big group, or it's a story that I haven't processed enough to be sharing with other people — and you immediately respond ‘hands up; push me away’ and I go, ‘See? No one cares about me. No one gives a s*** that I'm hurting. I knew it.'
It's how we protect ourselves from vulnerability. We just engage in a behavior that confirms our fear.”
If that was a bit challenging to follow, what Brené is basically saying is…well, you know how sometimes you will watch a post on social media by someone you don’t know, your first reaction is something like “Ugh. TMI.” and then you may actually say some form of that in their comment section? If others join in with your sentiment, the poster may follow up with a second video about that being why they don’t share their lives — it’s because people only take shots at them for doing so. Yeah, social media? Oh, there is PLENTY of floodlighting that goes on up in there, chile.
Okay, but what would be the strategy for floodlighting if it proves to be such a risky approach to connecting with other people? According to Brené, by sharing too much information about ourselves only to then receive some level of rejection for it — it’s kind of a “hurt you before you hurt me” kind of thing.
Meaning, “I’m not the best at cultivating intimacy and so, if I overshare and you pull back, I can make you be the ‘bad guy’ for rejecting me which makes all of this a test that you failed instead of my choosing to create an authentic connection and owning my part if things don’t end up working out.”
And yes, many people do this because, at the end of the day, they aren’t very comfortable with genuine intimacy. They also do it because they don’t really get that, when it comes to intimacy, another word should be the goal instead of vulnerability anyway.
I’ll explain.
It’s Important to Remember What Vulnerability Means
GiphyAsk pretty much any of my clients about what I think about the word “vulnerable” when it comes to marriage and they’ll tell you that I am not a fan. That’s because I lean into being pretty word-literal (as far as original definitions go) and I am aware that vulnerable means things like “capable of or susceptible to being attacked, damaged, or hurt,” “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.”
And y’all, for the life of me, I don’t know why anyone would choose to vow to spend their lives with an individual who they would need to be vulnerable with because, if your partner is susceptible to damaging you or they leave you open to attack or temptation — does that sound healthy to you? Yeah, me neither.
So, what word do I prefer then? Dependent. And what’s so wild to me is the fact that our culture is so used to the word “vulnerable” that many, even when it comes to their close connections, are far more uncomfortable with the word “dependent” — and boy, ain’t that a damn shame. Dependent is all that I want to be with my intimate dynamics because that’s all about “relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.” — and that is what you should do with your closest friends and definitely who you are in a romantic relationship with.
In fact, if the relationship is solid, it should be interdependent: “mutually dependent; depending on each other.” However, the thing to keep in mind with getting to the point where you can rely on someone is it takes time. While vulnerability, on some levels, can be rushed and semi-forced, dependency is an organic experience that occurs from life simply…happening.
Now keep all of this in mind as we explore how floodlighting reveals itself in a dating situation.
Floodlighting. When It Comes to Dating.
GiphyOnce I processed floodlighting, as far as dating is concerned, it actually made me think of people who have sex very quickly in the beginning of a relationship. I’m pretty sure that at least 70 percent of us know of someone who has raved about a person who they’ve only gone out on a couple of dates with. However, because they’ve already had sex with them and it was really good, suddenly, they believe that they’ve met the one.
Y’all, it truly can’t be said enough that “an oxytocin high” does not true intimacy make — oh, but because it feels amazing, it can have you out here thinking that something lasting and real has transpired when really, there hasn’t been enough moments shared or experiences had to know that for sure. However, since the sex was rushed, it can cause you to want to speed up the relationship too. It can tempt you to be like, “I mean, if we’re great in bed, surely we will be amazing in other rooms of the house too.” Floodlighting is a lot like this.
If you meet someone and you like the potential of what it could be, you might be tempted to want to, like Brené said in her book: OVERSHARE. It could be oversharing as it relates to some personal traumas that you’ve experienced. It could be oversharing as it relates to intimate details about your past relationships. It could be oversharing as it relates to your mistakes and flaws. It could be oversharing as it relates to your sex life. It could be oversharing as it relates to all of the expectations and demands (along with why) that you have.
The reason for doing this? It could be that you’re hoping the person will take it all in without any pushback which will cause you to believe that you both are immediately on the same page or it could be that you are attempting to fast-track the relationship by believing that if you share all of who you are during date one or two (or even four), they will do the same and — ding — an instant relationship.
See, more than anything else, floodlighting is a test. It’s a bit manipulative. It’s potentially stressful. And, more times than not, it ends up backfiring. And then, if it backfires, because it was a test, you can blame them for not rising up to the occasion.
Please tell me that you get how toxic this all is. For one thing, no one wants to be tested like this. Secondly, it’s unfair to expect someone to be “all in” with a person who they are just getting to know. Third, you have layers to you — all of us do — and it can be overwhelming for someone to be expected to learn, retain, and even accept all of the layers at once. Yeah, one thing that I like about the term floodlighting is it has the word “flood” in it. Water? We’re made up of mostly water, so of course, it’s good for us. Being flooded by water, though? That could harm or even destroy us.
In many ways, trying to force intimacy onto another person…it manifests in a similar way. Of course, you should share what makes you…you. A bit at a time, though, while letting time do its thing. Too much too soon is…exactly that.
How to Cultivate Healthy Intimacy in the Beginning Stages of a Relationship
GiphySo, what are some things that you can do to avoid being a floodlighter?
See your intel as privileged information.
Everything about you is special and special things should be earned. That said, as you get to know someone, OVER TIME, you’ll be able to see if they can be trusted with your thoughts, feelings and ultimately your heart — and no, that can’t happen on the first couple of dates. Y’all, it really can’t be said enough that instant chemistry doesn’t mean that intimacy should be expected to happen overnight.
In other words, just because you see the potential for something awesome with another person, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wait to see if the individual’s words and actions, consistently so, can complement the elation that you feel. Share a little. See how they respond. At another time, share a little bit more. See how they react. Rinse and repeat. Patiently and intentionally so.
Stop trying to pull stuff out of people.
There are all kinds of ways to be manipulating and controlling — and deciding that someone should move at your pace in a relationship is a way to be both things. In other words, not everyone is emotionally unavailable or immature simply because they don’t want to share every childhood experience or their relationship stories with you by date three.
No doubt, a lot of people self-sabotage something that could’ve been good because they were rushing someone to move outside of their comfort zone — knowing damn well that they would’ve had a problem with that if the shoe was on the other foot. Chill…what someone wants to tell you, they will. If they don’t? All you can — and should — do is decide if you want to move forward or not. That doesn’t require force on your part to come to that conclusion.
Nervousness is one thing. Being fearful is something else.
If the reason why you’re floodlighting is because you’re scared that people will not accept you or that they will abandon you, it really is best to put dating aside for a season and get into some therapy. Because, while being nervous about a potentially new relationship is completely understandable, being afraid of organic intimacy and then doing things that can hinder or prevent it is something completely different.
Put the tests away.
Listen, if you recall the tests that you took back in school, I have no clue why you’d want to put others through tests now that you’re a big-time adult. Tests are stressful, pressuring and sometimes, no matter how smart you are, you’re not going to perform well on them because you’re simply not a good test-taker (some of y’all will catch that later). There’s no need to “test” someone to see if they can take all of who you are. Again, time will reveal that on its own.
___
Personally, I think that floodlighting is so common that folks don’t even realize that they’re doing it or how problematic it actually is. Hopefully, this helps to shed some light.
Vulnerability tests? Uh-uh.
Seeing if someone can be depended on to care for you as you are? Relax. Time. Will. Reveal.
Now go on your date(s) and have fun. Damn. #winkLet’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
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