Lose weight. Change jobs. Spend more quality time with the kids. These are the kinds of New Year's resolutions that are pretty common. But if you're married, tell me something. When's the last time you put a resolution on your list that specifically had to do with improving your sex life?
Being that 15-20 percent of married couples have sex less than 15 times a year, which is the textbook definition of a sexless marriage. I just read about a couple that's been married for 25 years and haven't had sex for 20 of 'em — W-O-W — and coupled with a considerable amount of women that still struggle with achieving a vaginal orgasm, and a lack of intimacy continuing to lead the pack of being a reason for divorce, doesn't it seem like wanting a better sex life should be a top priority? But how many couples actually make it so?
Sex Resolutions for Couples
Many reputable therapists and life coaches will tell you that there are two main reasons why resolutions fail within the first month of making them. One is due to a lack of accountability. The other has to do with not seeing immediate results. Well, if you want to have more mind-blowing sex, your spouse can serve as your accountability partner and, if you incorporate some of the things that I'm about to share with you, you'll be well on your way to seeing some pretty earth-shattering results!
Are you ready to make this the year of the best sex you've ever had in your entire married life? Read on below.
1.Upgrade Your Bedroom.
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Interior designers say it all of the time — the bedroom is for sex and sleep. But does your bedroom convey that kind of message? In other words, how sexy is that room in your house? If it's about as sexy as one of your kid's rooms, there's no time like the present to give it an upgrade.
As far as wall colors go, couples with caramel-colored ones reportedly get it on no less than three times a week, although eggplant and shades of blue can also get you in the mood. If it's time for a new mattress, a Sapira hybrid by Leesa one is firm and also absorbs a considerable amount of "movement noise" (if you've got kids). As far as bedding goes, cotton sheets with a real 200-thread count are affordable and comfortable. The color of them is up to you, but don't underestimate the power of some crisp white sheets. Word on the street is they subconsciously turn us on (which is a part of the reason why hotels use them).
2.Engage in a Little Morning Sex.
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Sex does everything from boost your immune system and reduce stress to lower your blood pressure and increase your brain power, so why not start off your day by participating in coitus — even if it's just a quickie? Morning sex is not only proven to be a healthy way to start the day, there's also tons of data to support that it can make you a lot more productive as well.
So, if you've been slackin' off on the job lately, don't say you don't know what you can do in order to remedy that. #justsaying
3.Snack on Some Halim Seeds.
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If your libido isn't as intense as it used to be (and your doctor has given you a clean bill of health), the first thing you should do is make sure you're getting no less than six hours of sleep; no one is in the mood if they're dead tired. The second is to snack on some seeds that are gaining the reputation of being quite the libido pick-me-up. They're called halim seeds (also known as garden cress seeds).
If you sprinkle them on your salads or use them as seasoning in your soup, the high amounts of iron and folic acid in them will help to rev your libido up again, along with improving your mood and cognitive brain function too.
4.Become a Karezza Expert.
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According to one study, less than half of married women desire sex on a consistent basis after four years of marriage. It's not due to a lack of interest in sex itself so much as it is about feeling emotionally disconnected from their spouse.
In walks karezza. If you don't speak Italian, it means "caress" in that language. It is the art of slowing things down — way down — in the bedroom. It's kind of like tantric sex, only you're focusing more on touching and fondling than deep breathing.
Couples who do it say that it's helped them to cultivate deeper intimacy and communication which has led to more intense orgasms. For more details on this particular sexual technique, check out "How Does Karezza Work?"
5.Play Some Board Games.
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When you've got kids, it's not always convenient or affordable to get a babysitter so that you and yours can go out. When date night is easier said than done, no problem — just pull out a few board games.
Put your children to bed early, pour from a bottle of red wine (an aphrodisiac), put on some of your favorite 90s R&B, and pull out an adult-only game like Monogamy, Nookii, or The Discovery Game.
They're sexy, they're fun, and they're a great way to get a little closer to your spouse. Literally.
6.Focus on (Non-Obvious) Erogenous Zones.
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If someone were to walk up to you right now and ask you to provide a list of male and female erogenous zones that don't include lips, breasts or genitalia, would you be able to do it?
The cool thing about erogenous zones is not only do they stimulate us, they also relax us as well. That's why offering to give your spouse a massage while focusing on their erogenous zones is a great way to set the perfect mood.
If you need a "zone cheat sheet", men's hot spots include the soles of their feet, thumbs, the crease in between his thighs and his buttocks, ears, neck, scalp and stomach. Women's include ears, neck, inner thighs, hands, belly button and, believe it or not, armpits (try it before you knock it).
7.Try the Hook Position.
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There are literally hundreds of sex positions (click here for some of 'em or Google "245 sex positions" for a site that's a little too racy for this one). But one that is currently getting rave reviews is the hook position. It's not complex. It's simply the missionary position with a woman "hooking" her legs over her partner's shoulders. It's all the rage because more and more couples are finding it to be one of the easiest ways for both partners to achieve an orgasm at the same time. BOOM!
8.Have Sex at 3PM (More Often).
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Like most things in life, our sex hormones are a bit of a roller coaster ride; sometimes they are way up and sometimes they are down. The time of day when a woman's cortisol levels spike (giving her more energy) and a man's estrogen levels are strongest (making him more willing to emotionally connect) is at 3PM.
It might not be the most convenient time of the day, but it's definitely an incentive to either take a late lunch break or finish all of your work so that you can leave early every once in a while.
9.Go to an Adults-Only Vacation Spot.
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11 percent of married couples go on weekly dates. Awesome!
30 percent go once a month. Not bad.
36 percent hardly ever do it. Now that just plain sucks.
If a couple doesn't go to dinner and a movie, it's probably a real stretch to think they go on romantic vacations. If you can't remember the last time you and yours booked a hotel reservation in the city you live in, let alone anywhere else, let 2019 be the year that you do.
Some of the hottest adults-only spots include the Secrets Marquis in Los Cabos, Dome-Shaped Tree House near Malibu, Auberge du Soleil in Napa Valley, Sandals LaSource Grenada or Twin Farms in Vermont (or check out some of the sexiest hotels in the world here).
If these all sound tempting but you don't know how in the world you'll be able to afford it, I wrote about a super-sexy way to pay for a vacation on this site a few months ago. Check out "5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs a Sex Jar".
10.Make Sex Vows (and Renew Them Every Year).
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Enter into the union with formal vows. Vows are verbal promises, pledges, and commitments. I've yet to attend a wedding where sex was made a part of the ceremony vows but being that less than half actually have sex on their wedding night, perhaps it should. Then it would remind couples to make sex a top priority from day one.
It could be romantic, special, and oh so erotic to make it a tradition every year to exchange some vows, specifically about what you promise, pledge and commit to do for your spouse — sexually, of course — in the upcoming year.
If they're heartfelt — and graphic — enough, implementing those vows could become the way you both choose to ring in each and every year.
And since they say that the way you start a year is the way you end up ending it…well. (wink)
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Temi and SkylarCj Hart @hartbreakToday, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak